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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No more staying at my ex house

352 replies

Nomoresleepovers · 01/01/2022 17:01

Me and my ex share custody of our 4 1/2 year old son. His house is a 1 hour train ride away so to settle our son in I have stayed over for probably a total of 10 days? For the last 3 months to help settle our son in to sleep over by themselves. (The reason for the settling is that we had been separated for two years and our son had never spent the night alone with them plus they used to live much further away so visitation was infrequent/COVID travel restrictions are strict in our country)

The problem is that our son still breastfeeds to sleep (not great I know) but I have been working on this. At Christmas they had their first "Big Boy" sleepover and although they went to bed late and threw tantrums they did get to sleep for both the nights by midnight. I have praised my son greatly etc however because I have had family visiting who are unwell and have mental health issues and I live in a small flat I have not forced my son not to breastfeed to sleep between the 26th to now I did not offer etc (family members left 1 day ago) as it would have been detrimental to family members health.

I have taken steps to ease my Ds off breastfeeding such as wearing tight tops to bed strict bed times, warm milk before bed and now my family member has left their bed will be moved back into our room so no more co sleeping.

My ex is angry at me for not continuing the no breastfeeding and is meant to have them again soon for a sleepover but is asking me to come stay over for the 2-3 nights to "help build the child's confidence back up".

AIBU that it is better for our child to go stay without me and that my ex has to deal with it like any parent or grandparent would and it would actually help the child stop needing the comfort before bed?

I would like to say my ex isn't a bad father and does care greatly for our child but they are more of a Disney dad and expects me to do all the hard stuff.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nomoresleepovers · 01/01/2022 20:40

I have dyslexia and my child's actually a girl. I just didn't want my ex stalking me again and using this thread to threaten me or something

OP posts:
JustWonderingIfYou · 01/01/2022 20:41

Your child sounds spoilt! No wonder ex is worried about bedtime. Letting a 4 year old pull your clothes off and tantrum- my 18month old wasn't allowed to get away with that! Why haven't you taught him any manners?
Breastfeeding is a red herring but the awful behaviour is not.

feedthepeony · 01/01/2022 20:41

@Nomoresleepovers

My child has always been very clingy, they're father just wants me to flat stop now otherwise they're not having them overnight apparently. So I've told him I won't say when he's stopped breastfeeding. Although I am aiming to stop soon.
Do you won't tell him but surely your son at the age of 4 and a half years old can tell his dad if he's being breastfed or not?

Also please rehome your cats.
And please stop using 'they/them.'

Weird.

Original poster
Nomoresleepovers · 01/01/2022 20:43

I started with the aim of working together, with the father having our kid over night but if he just wants me to stop cold turkey then how is that us working together at all. All I've had today is crap from him because he put two night of work in for the first time ever and me not being able to continue it as I had a relative staying. Then blame for not stopped breastfeeding sooner.

OP posts:
KiloWhat · 01/01/2022 20:43

@Nomoresleepovers

I have dyslexia and my child's actually a girl. I just didn't want my ex stalking me again and using this thread to threaten me or something
I apologise sorry I didn't realise dyslexia could manifest this way. Hope you get things sorted with the ex. Don't go round there ever again there's no need for you to really.
KiloWhat · 01/01/2022 20:45

Does he have a cat?

Original poster
Nomoresleepovers · 01/01/2022 20:45

Well thanks Mumsnet I think I'm done vipers. I was hoping for good adult advice but I think I feel attacked from all sides now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nomoresleepovers · 01/01/2022 20:47

@KiloWhat it's fine it's my own fault, I didn't want to out myself by saying the gender as female but seems it was all to difficult for me

OP posts:
Original poster
Nomoresleepovers · 01/01/2022 20:49

My child went to smack the cat, did not actually smack the cat. They do not take their frustrations out on animals in general. I feel I've written it all so poorly that people missed what I was actually trying to explain and how infrequent the action were

OP posts:
memememe · 01/01/2022 20:49

@Nomoresleepovers I would keep breastfeeding your child at bedtime and explain that daddy can't breastfeed as he doesn't have milk boobies. At 4.5 they are old enough to know they can do it at your house and not at daddy's.

I wouldn't sleep there with them. Daddy will have to find a routine that works for him when your little one is there.

mrmonkeyjocks · 01/01/2022 20:57

Tantrums at 4 are unnecessary?! I must let my 4 y/o know this 😂 it's not referred to as the f*king fours for no reason surely...

OP, extended BF aside - and honestly the amount of judgement from some posters here is horrible - if your ex is keen on your son learning to sleep without bf, perhaps you could suggest he could come to yours and do bedtime for you...I'd guess he wouldn't be so keen then!

I agree with previous posters who have said that your ex needs to learn how to settle your son himself, find their own routine. There may be tears, tantrums and upset but he needs to support him through that and not try to hand the responsibility for this back to you.

Good luck x

Beancounter1 · 01/01/2022 20:59

Children are perfectly capable of understanding that different homes have different rules and routines, e.g. things may run a bit differently at a grandparents' house, or lunch is done differently at day-care. It is not a big deal for them, as children are very flexible in this way.

Definitely DON'T go to ex's house, that is just confusing things for the child. Let them have it clear in their head that daddy's house and routines are not your house and routines; they will soon adapt.

But tell ex that he needs to put the effort in to set up and maintain a completely consistent routine, every night without fail, of 30 mins to an hour. Snack/drink, bath, teeth, one TV cartoon, book stories, chat before lights out, or whatever he chooses to do, but it HAS to be consistent every night. He may not be aware of the importance of this, so spell it out to him.

maddiemookins16mum · 01/01/2022 20:59

BF a 4/5 year old is only ‘normal’ on MN…….meanwhile in the real world…..
Just say no fgs.

Bendydich · 01/01/2022 21:02

Wow a lot of hate going on here I can see why a lot of people don't do extended breastfeeding and how many people were "lucky" that their kid just weaned themselves off.

Maybe take the night and speak to him Tomorrow about it, it sounds like you've been working through this on your own way but your child isn't ready yet. But it's positive that they stayed at the dad's house.

I think the dad has to create a routine and figure out how to parent.

Alpenguin · 01/01/2022 21:21

@Bendydich

Wow a lot of hate going on here I can see why a lot of people don't do extended breastfeeding and how many people were "lucky" that their kid just weaned themselves off.

Maybe take the night and speak to him Tomorrow about it, it sounds like you've been working through this on your own way but your child isn't ready yet. But it's positive that they stayed at the dad's house.

I think the dad has to create a routine and figure out how to parent.

I expected my child to self wean from about age 1. Still has an occasional feed at 4.5 because it’s comforting for him and tastes like ice cream. We haven’t mentioned to anyone since he was 2 when all the nasty comments started. I do recognise some of the behaviour OPs child displays, just like when we refuse an ice cream, same thing. Not a spoilt child at all just a normal 4 year old.

Op your child will survive a night without you. Your ex has to learn how to parent his own child on his own and that includes the tantrums and comforting them when upset. I’m not saying to stop feeding as that would be hypocritical but you need to teach your child a degree of age appropriate independence and the overnights with dad are a great start.

DroopyClematis · 01/01/2022 21:27

@Nomoresleepovers

Do you think I want to admit how aggressive my son can be during tantrums? Yes I have tried explaining that they don't need it but obviously the comfort from me is very important to them right now. They had a very hard time settling into school too. COVID restrictions has definitely led to a strong bond between us which I've been working on spreading around and helping them be alone with other people.
You need external help here. That you are breastfeeding to stop these behaviours is extreme.

This is not normal at all.

Your ex must be exasperated too.

This whole dynamic is wrong and you need support.

Sorry OP.

MyCatHatesPCRTests · 01/01/2022 21:34

In terms of your actual question, I agree with @Beancounter1 - different homes, different rules, and your DC is of an age where they can understand that. Don’t stay over at his! He needs to find his own way with your DC.

In terms of the breastfeeding, I stopped when my DC was just shy of 3 - because I’d had enough. I tried softly softly and hoped he would naturally self-wean. I think that works for some and not others. We had to go cold turkey and had some awful behaviour the first couple of days. We promised a present once he’d stopped, and delivered on that. But I had to mean it, in terms of stopping. His distress was real and it would have been easy to decide no, actually, not today. I also needed another adult (my DH in our case) to support me in this and reinforce it. If you do want to stop, it might be worth seeing whether anyone can support you in doing so.

DroopyClematis · 01/01/2022 21:35

In fact I'm going so far as to suggest that you don't want a complete break from your ex, hence this behaviour being allowed.

I'm not surprised your ex is angry.

GettingItOutThere · 01/01/2022 21:36

@Nomoresleepovers

My child has always been very clingy, they're father just wants me to flat stop now otherwise they're not having them overnight apparently. So I've told him I won't say when he's stopped breastfeeding. Although I am aiming to stop soon.
i agree with his dad ! why cant you refer to your child as HIM... not THEM. THEM is plural.?

its fucking weird not stopping and not even being able to change in front of your child. You want to fund therapists when your kid is 6? no? boundaries need to go up today

worriedatthemoment · 01/01/2022 21:40

@Alpenguin hurting animals ? When you refuse an ice cream , hitting you , you consider that normal behaviour

TequilaBlaze · 01/01/2022 21:41

@femfemlicious

Why are you carrying on with they/them. You have already said he...we know hes a boyHmm
This. I'm really confused by all this them/their business. Is there only one child OP? It's really distracting and I'm not sure what the point is.
SeasonFinale · 01/01/2022 21:42

On the basis you are choosing to BF your son YABU to expect the ex to have to put up with trying to get him to settle at his. It is your choice to BF him and you are kidding yourself that he can't stop cold turkey as you want to call it. If you want to BF then you should at least make the effort to help the ex with your son because this whole situation is of your making!!

Lennon80 · 01/01/2022 21:45

I’ve had a four year old who breast fed to sleep and when I went into hospital a few times overnight he understood dad put him to bed and didn’t cause a fuss. He’s having tantrums as he wants his mum by the sounds of it it rather than it being about the BF. Don’t give it up sounds like it reassures him in a difficult time of transitions but it certainly isn’t causing the tantrums.

5keletor · 01/01/2022 21:56

OP has explained the child is a girl and was trying to be ambiguous in case her ex found this thread

YANBU OP, I don't think breastfeeding is the issue here, you'll often get a lot of stick for feeding past 2 at a push, it's totally normal but the majority of the UK seem to find it horrifying.
Sadly my first stopped at about 1.5yo, baby is still going as under 1. They both did/do settle for dad as they figure out, in some way, that he can't feed them. It sounds like there might be a behavioural issue, and you and your ex need to be firm that when she stays with dad, she can't feed to sleep, and that's that. Sorry I'm not sure exactly how you'd do it, maybe just persistence? It does sound tough and like you've really been trying to improve the situation as much as you can.

escapingthecity · 01/01/2022 21:57

It's not fair to your child or to their father to keep BF. It makes it impossible for your ex to parent properly on his own if you're there, and makes it harder for the kid to settle away from you. You need to be realistic about what it means to be separated parents: your kid needs to be able to settle happily at two homes.