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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No more staying at my ex house

352 replies

Nomoresleepovers · 01/01/2022 17:01

Me and my ex share custody of our 4 1/2 year old son. His house is a 1 hour train ride away so to settle our son in I have stayed over for probably a total of 10 days? For the last 3 months to help settle our son in to sleep over by themselves. (The reason for the settling is that we had been separated for two years and our son had never spent the night alone with them plus they used to live much further away so visitation was infrequent/COVID travel restrictions are strict in our country)

The problem is that our son still breastfeeds to sleep (not great I know) but I have been working on this. At Christmas they had their first "Big Boy" sleepover and although they went to bed late and threw tantrums they did get to sleep for both the nights by midnight. I have praised my son greatly etc however because I have had family visiting who are unwell and have mental health issues and I live in a small flat I have not forced my son not to breastfeed to sleep between the 26th to now I did not offer etc (family members left 1 day ago) as it would have been detrimental to family members health.

I have taken steps to ease my Ds off breastfeeding such as wearing tight tops to bed strict bed times, warm milk before bed and now my family member has left their bed will be moved back into our room so no more co sleeping.

My ex is angry at me for not continuing the no breastfeeding and is meant to have them again soon for a sleepover but is asking me to come stay over for the 2-3 nights to "help build the child's confidence back up".

AIBU that it is better for our child to go stay without me and that my ex has to deal with it like any parent or grandparent would and it would actually help the child stop needing the comfort before bed?

I would like to say my ex isn't a bad father and does care greatly for our child but they are more of a Disney dad and expects me to do all the hard stuff.

OP posts:
BlueFlavour · 01/01/2022 17:30

You don’t have to justify feeding your child to sleep at all. Really you don’t. I wish I’d fed mine for much longer tbh. I probably would have done if I hadn’t felt judged by other people.

RussianSpy101 · 01/01/2022 17:30

@Ileflottante and me

Embracelife · 01/01/2022 17:30

Just let him stay wiith his dad without you
He will learn that he doesn't feed from breast at dad s

Cocomarine · 01/01/2022 17:31

It’s a bad idea for you to stay over to settle him at his dad’s and refuse the breast. That’ll just cause stress for your child coping with two changes at once.
My daughter would absolutely refuse to sleep without the breast on a Sunday night. Very next night, when mummy was away? No issue at all. Thursday night if she realised mummy was home? No thank you daddy - where’s mummy?
That was all fine for us, as it happens.
But children are not stupid. In an unusual situation, with you there, he’s going to want his extremely effective comfort feed more than ever. You’d make it harder for him being there.

christmascharade · 01/01/2022 17:32

@Poptart4

Can you give him a bottle at night instead?
BFing isn't just about the liquid. A bottle isn't a substitute for a child wanting to BF to sleep.

BFing is an act of love (like a hug is), and as well as comfort it protects the child from illness, and is magic at getting DC to go to sleep!

You shouldn't let a child fall asleep with a bottle, plus feeding them cow's milk after teeth brushing is bad for their teeth.

Whywonttheyhelpme · 01/01/2022 17:33

@christmascharade I disagree

The ex is cross that, after struggling through a sleep over and finally winning, the OP has carried on BF because it suited her and her family. I too would be cross- not for my own benefit but because it undermines everything that they are striving to achieve and puts the child back in square one.

Cocomarine · 01/01/2022 17:34

@RussianSpy101

How can he settle his own child when the child wants a breastfeed because that’s what he’s had every single night with his mum for 4.5 years? Ridicukous
Read my posts. My child got used to the breastfeed / no breastfeed nights younger, because I worked away regularly. But children are not stupid. Plenty of young children have shift worker parents, or spend regular time with an extended family member. These children can cope with different routines. OP breastfeeding her child is not what is stopping this boy from settling for his father. What’s stopping him, is that for 2 years he hasn’t been doing overnights, and this is all just new to him. Just like a grandparent sleepover, he just needs dad to be loving, reassuring, and step up in building his own sleep routine.
Xmasiscancelledagain · 01/01/2022 17:35

This thread is just weird full stop.

If OP said on here her four and a half year old still had a dummy there would be outrage. But what about their teeth. They don't need the comfort etc. But BF beyond an age that does mother or child any benefit is absolutely fine. Confused

As for dad, it's his house he can deal with DC while he's there. But personally I think you are also doing what you accuse your ex of, doing what's easiest to suit yourself.

Original poster
Nomoresleepovers · 01/01/2022 17:36

Do you think I want to admit how aggressive my son can be during tantrums? Yes I have tried explaining that they don't need it but obviously the comfort from me is very important to them right now. They had a very hard time settling into school too. COVID restrictions has definitely led to a strong bond between us which I've been working on spreading around and helping them be alone with other people.

OP posts:
SweetPotatoDumpling · 01/01/2022 17:40

I have no opinion on what age you choose to stop breastfeeding your child.

I do think, though, that you are expecting your ex to do what you, yourself, are unable or unwilling to do. Which simply isn't on OP.

Fuuuuuckit · 01/01/2022 17:42

@Ileflottante

I’m sure it’s normal to some, but a 4.5 year old ‘violently’ hauling at his mother’s clothes and demanding to breastfeed is very disturbing to me.
This.

OP you've stated the reasons why you are finding it difficult to stop bf, but not the reasons you want to (do you want to?)

I bf'd my dc to 13 months both times, it was quite straightforward to stop for us. But no child of mine would get anything they wanted AND what they were demanding whilst being violent and pulling my clothes.

If you choose to bf to this age you accept the challenges. But I think you need to establish if/why you want to stop bf.

And your son is plenty old enough to realise that daddy can't bf him to sleep - that's something dad needs to work on at bedtime regarding the routine.

Original poster
Nomoresleepovers · 01/01/2022 17:43

I'm sure most people have a family member who's illnesses would not allowed such upset for the 6 days before they left as it would have greatly effected their health.

I'm not against working on stopping the breastfeeding and I do understand where my ex is coming from however it was only two nights not a week or month and they chose to do it the court order actually said that they would only have them from 10 am to 8pm on Christmas and no sleepovers until January where it should be a week.

OP posts:
underneaththeash · 01/01/2022 17:43

I can't believe you're bfing a 4.5 year old either.

Just tell him the milk has gone. And stop.

Original poster
Nomoresleepovers · 01/01/2022 17:47

I just really want to know if it's a backward step to go back at staying at his father's with them, I don't feel like me being there will help and it would be better for us to just work at opposite ends.

Tommorrow I will be putting their bed back and in a couple of months we will be moving house and they will have their own room.

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 01/01/2022 17:47

AIBU that it is better for our child to go stay without me and that my ex has to deal with it like any parent or grandparent would and it would actually help the child stop needing the comfort before bed?

That's not unreasonable - when you have had such reactions from the child in your decision to end breastfeeding (hurting the cat and trying to get out of the house?), it definitely would make it easier than to go there and still have him expecting to BF.

girlmom21 · 01/01/2022 17:47

@Nomoresleepovers but now the relative has gone home, so you have to make a decision.

Are you going to stop breastfeeding or not?
If not, is it for the right reasons or because you can't deal with the tantrums?

girlmom21 · 01/01/2022 17:48

@Nomoresleepovers

I just really want to know if it's a backward step to go back at staying at his father's with them, I don't feel like me being there will help and it would be better for us to just work at opposite ends.

Tommorrow I will be putting their bed back and in a couple of months we will be moving house and they will have their own room.

Don't stay. He's their dad. He wants contact. He can parent.

Just don't make his life harder than you need to.

Original poster
Nomoresleepovers · 01/01/2022 17:49

Does breastfeeding for twenty minutes before they fall asleep inconvenience me no..

Do I want them to be able to fall asleep by themselves in their own rooms and stay at their fathers without the tantrums absolutely.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nomoresleepovers · 01/01/2022 17:53

I just don't think withdrawing completely cold turkey from my end will work and our child doesn't seem to understand.

Although everything I have been doing the last year hasn't completely stopped breastfeeding it has now reached a point where it is only before they go to sleep and hopefully after more sleepovers with their father, no more co sleeping and their own room in a couple of months they will not need it anymore

OP posts:
christmascharade · 01/01/2022 17:57

@Xmasiscancelledagain

This thread is just weird full stop.

If OP said on here her four and a half year old still had a dummy there would be outrage. But what about their teeth. They don't need the comfort etc. But BF beyond an age that does mother or child any benefit is absolutely fine. Confused

As for dad, it's his house he can deal with DC while he's there. But personally I think you are also doing what you accuse your ex of, doing what's easiest to suit yourself.

It absolutely does benefit the child. BFing supports the immune system, is amazingly useful if the child gets ill and won't take good or perhaps even drink (I've never known a sick BFed child who won't BF).

And it provides comfort - which matters!

Quartz2208 · 01/01/2022 18:00

OP there are forums and on facebook groups that deal with longer term breastfeeding that I think may well be better to post on rather than on here when you get an awful lot of judgment about still breastfeeding.

Original poster
Nomoresleepovers · 01/01/2022 18:05

Yeah it does seem to have missed some of my main point which is wether my ex should have our son without me but it does seem like most people feel I should say I'm not staying over.

My kids 4 now lol 😂 it's a bit late for all the people judging the extended breastfeeding. I'm sure they will stop this year.

OP posts:
MerryChristmas21 · 01/01/2022 18:06

He
Him
His

Correct pronouns still exist.

He can BF when he's with you & not when he's with his Dad. It's not complicated and at his age, should understand that. It's up to his Dad to find a routine that works for them.

colourfulpuddles · 01/01/2022 18:07

YABU. You have caused this problem and have only made half hearted attempts to stop it. So you can’t just leave your ex to it.

ancientgran · 01/01/2022 18:10

@Charley50

At 4.5 years, you should be able to explain to DS that he is a bit big to breast feed now, as he gets his nutrition from food.
I breastfed my youngest till he was 3. He'd have fed day and night if I hadn't had things to do. He was a big boy, at 3 people assumed he was at school. I was actually tired of it so DH sat him down and had a man to man chat. It was quite funny really, I was eavesdropping in the kitchen. He told him he was a big boy now and mum was tired and his feeding was getting too much. DS said OK and breastfeeding was never mentioned again.

It was spookily easy but it does depend how mum feels. I'd had enough after breastfeeding 4 of them and it felt like it would never stop but OP might be happy to carry on.