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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No more staying at my ex house

352 replies

Nomoresleepovers · 01/01/2022 17:01

Me and my ex share custody of our 4 1/2 year old son. His house is a 1 hour train ride away so to settle our son in I have stayed over for probably a total of 10 days? For the last 3 months to help settle our son in to sleep over by themselves. (The reason for the settling is that we had been separated for two years and our son had never spent the night alone with them plus they used to live much further away so visitation was infrequent/COVID travel restrictions are strict in our country)

The problem is that our son still breastfeeds to sleep (not great I know) but I have been working on this. At Christmas they had their first "Big Boy" sleepover and although they went to bed late and threw tantrums they did get to sleep for both the nights by midnight. I have praised my son greatly etc however because I have had family visiting who are unwell and have mental health issues and I live in a small flat I have not forced my son not to breastfeed to sleep between the 26th to now I did not offer etc (family members left 1 day ago) as it would have been detrimental to family members health.

I have taken steps to ease my Ds off breastfeeding such as wearing tight tops to bed strict bed times, warm milk before bed and now my family member has left their bed will be moved back into our room so no more co sleeping.

My ex is angry at me for not continuing the no breastfeeding and is meant to have them again soon for a sleepover but is asking me to come stay over for the 2-3 nights to "help build the child's confidence back up".

AIBU that it is better for our child to go stay without me and that my ex has to deal with it like any parent or grandparent would and it would actually help the child stop needing the comfort before bed?

I would like to say my ex isn't a bad father and does care greatly for our child but they are more of a Disney dad and expects me to do all the hard stuff.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nomoresleepovers · 01/01/2022 18:15

We've all spoken to him including my mum about how they don't need to breastfeed etc they just go on about how they love it and how they are a baby etc it very frustrating. I've worked this last year to cut it down to. Just before bed for twenty ISH minutes

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 01/01/2022 18:16

@Nomoresleepovers

We've all spoken to him including my mum about how they don't need to breastfeed etc they just go on about how they love it and how they are a baby etc it very frustrating. I've worked this last year to cut it down to. Just before bed for twenty ISH minutes
Well then tell them they're not a baby anymore so your body's stopped making milk
ancientgran · 01/01/2022 18:16

@Cocomarine

It’s a bad idea for you to stay over to settle him at his dad’s and refuse the breast. That’ll just cause stress for your child coping with two changes at once. My daughter would absolutely refuse to sleep without the breast on a Sunday night. Very next night, when mummy was away? No issue at all. Thursday night if she realised mummy was home? No thank you daddy - where’s mummy? That was all fine for us, as it happens. But children are not stupid. In an unusual situation, with you there, he’s going to want his extremely effective comfort feed more than ever. You’d make it harder for him being there.
I agree with Cocomarine.
TimeForTeaAndG · 01/01/2022 18:19

I'd be concerned that you staying over would confuse him with regards to mummy and daddy not living together. Time at daddy's house is separate to being with mum.

Tell ex to parent his child and that you will not be staying over.

mobear · 01/01/2022 18:21

I don’t think it’s fair for you to expect your ex to deal with all the tantrums that come with not breastfeeding then breastfeeding him at home so you don’t have to.

Ireallycantthinkofagoodone · 01/01/2022 18:23

I have always felt that ‘feeding to sleep’ is not good at any age. Babies need to learn to self-settle, and the earlier that is learnt the better.
I really don’t understand why anyone would would make this rod for their back.
Nothing against breastfeeding for a child of this age, by the way. However, a child becoming violent to get their own way is abhorrent.

user1471457751 · 01/01/2022 18:24

You need to stop your son from hurting the cats and if you can't, you need to speak to a shelter about rehoming them

Original poster
Nomoresleepovers · 01/01/2022 18:26

I haven't said I would breastfeed him at home or work with my ex to help wean him from my side without staying at his. I absolutely could not allow tantrums or upset at night with my very unwell family member staying over.

But am I unreasonable to expect that we work separately in our own homes at making sure our son is comfortable staying at their fathers after I've done 10-14 nights settling him into his father's flat.

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 01/01/2022 18:28

I don't think it's fair on your ex that he's still being breast fed. He's old enough to stop. I wouldn't stay over my exs place to help settle the child either! That's his job to deal with.

mobear · 01/01/2022 18:28

You should be working as a team, not separately, even if you’re doing so in your own homes, and it doesn’t sound like you are.

snowdropsandcrocuses · 01/01/2022 18:29

It sounds to me like you don't have a bf problem so much as a parenting problem. Tantrums at 4 years old are unnecessary (assuming no SEN).

Regardless of how you address being at his dads it seems you would do well to introduce some consistency. Poor kid is denied it one night, allowed it the next and understands that if he shouts loud enough he will get his way.

I would suggest you set boundaries for your child and pre-decide the consequences if he acts out. For instance, removal of toy or privilege if he doesn't do as asked and rewards for good behaviour.

I cannot personally comprehend bf'ing a 4 1/2 year old but even if you continue to do so, he needs to understand the rules around when you will and when you won't. If regular visits to his dad are on the cards, then that is a bf free zone because you cannot always be there. Can you restrict bf to a certain time each day - for instance every evening around 7pm. Then he knows it is there but cannot use it to fall asleep with. He will need to learn to self settle. It won't take many days for this to work but only if you are consistent. Children need to understand the rules in order to stick to them.

Ileflottante · 01/01/2022 18:29

they just go on about how they love it and how they are a baby etc it very frustrating

You’ve said ‘he doesn’t understand’ but he does, only too well. As his insistence that he’s still a ‘baby’ illustrates.

Breastfeeding aside, his violence (towards your breasts and apparently your cats?) and your apparent giving-in to these aggressive demands, is causing big problems.

HunterGatherer · 01/01/2022 18:31

Christmascharade
You rightly point out that cows milk shouldn't be given before bed as it contrains sugar which can damage the child's teeth.
Cows milk has 5g of sugar per 100ml
Breast milk has 7g per 100ml.

KiloWhat · 01/01/2022 18:32

@Nomoresleepovers

We've all spoken to him including my mum about how they don't need to breastfeed etc they just go on about how they love it and how they are a baby etc it very frustrating. I've worked this last year to cut it down to. Just before bed for twenty ISH minutes
I'm confused who's "him" and who is "they". Are these people all your son? If so it sounds like you're making it into too big a deal.

And maybe rehome your poor cat.

Thesearmsofmine · 01/01/2022 18:34

I think that YABU, you seem to be expecting toir ex to deal with violent tantrums because your child wants bf but at home you deal with them by giving in to him and bf.
If you want to continue bf that is of course your choice but you need to work on teaching your child body autonomy and that violent tantrums don’t get him what he wants. At that age he should be able understand the basics that your body belongs to you and his body belongs to him and he cannot get access to your body by being violent,

Original poster
Nomoresleepovers · 01/01/2022 18:34

Well it says that tantrums are normal from 1-4 years old up to once a day. So I'm not that worried about that right now.

OP posts:
Ileflottante · 01/01/2022 18:36

@Nomoresleepovers

Well it says that tantrums are normal from 1-4 years old up to once a day. So I'm not that worried about that right now.
I’m astonished by how violent and destructive your 4.5 year old’s tantrums are. I’ve never heard of anything like that. Do you always give in? If so, he’s learnt tantrums work so he/they escalates them until you give in.
KiloWhat · 01/01/2022 18:36

At that age he should be able understand the basics that your body belongs to you and his body belongs to him and he cannot get access to your body by being violent I agree

And I hope your ex is warned if he has a cat too

Thesearmsofmine · 01/01/2022 18:36

Violent tantrums including harming animals and destroying a room are not normal behaviours.

KiloWhat · 01/01/2022 18:37

Does he have tantrums over anything else?

Original poster
Nomoresleepovers · 01/01/2022 18:41

No I never give in to tantrums. I have left shops without shopping, taken away toys, time outs etc. When my family member was here it wasn't appropriate to go cold turkey incase of tantrums etc. I did not offer breastfeeding, kept routine, did not change in front of them and slept in tight tops. When asked by them to breastfeed I asked them to try to get to sleep for a set amount of time and if they couldn't sleep we would breastfeed to sleep.

Which is the most appropriate thing I could do while my family member was down... Like would you sleep Train your baby while your sick grandma was staying for a week?

OP posts:
Original poster
Nomoresleepovers · 01/01/2022 18:43

Yes my child has tantrums for many reasons mostly because they are tired after school. Or when they don't want to go to sleep and there are other adults around but we still do it.

OP posts:
DizzySquirrel90 · 01/01/2022 18:43

@Ileflottante

they just go on about how they love it and how they are a baby etc it very frustrating

You’ve said ‘he doesn’t understand’ but he does, only too well. As his insistence that he’s still a ‘baby’ illustrates.

Breastfeeding aside, his violence (towards your breasts and apparently your cats?) and your apparent giving-in to these aggressive demands, is causing big problems.

This.

How can you allow this behaviour? Your rewarding the behaviour by giving what he wants.

DizzySquirrel90 · 01/01/2022 18:44

Also I feel sorry for your cats.

JustUseTheDoorSanta · 01/01/2022 18:45
  1. I breastfeed a 3yo only at night, I recognise other names; those who don't breastfeed perhaps don't understand practicalities. Those who actually breastfeed older children know well that they cope just fine, they understand from quite tiny that Daddy doesn't breastfeed but still go to sleep for Daddy. Not settling with Daddy has nothing to do with breastfeeding at this age, it is for your ex to sort out.
  2. Give up or not at your own pace, but by no means should you give in to tantrums, cat attacks nor attacks on yourself. He needs firm and clear consequences for any violent behaviour or it will continue. Learn how to be consistent with him if you want to resolve behaviour issues and rehome your cats if you can't protect them.
  3. If you are ready to give up, use breastfeeding organisations for help, mumsnet doesn't have that many who extended breastfeeding.