No more staying at my ex house

[Nomoresleepovers]

Me and my ex share custody of our 4 1/2 year old son. His house is a 1 hour train ride away so to settle our son in I have stayed over for probably a total of 10 days? For the last 3 months to help settle our son in to sleep over by themselves. (The reason for the settling is that we had been separated for two years and our son had never spent the night alone with them plus they used to live much further away so visitation was infrequent/COVID travel restrictions are strict in our country)

The problem is that our son still breastfeeds to sleep (not great I know) but I have been working on this. At Christmas they had their first "Big Boy" sleepover and although they went to bed late and threw tantrums they did get to sleep for both the nights by midnight. I have praised my son greatly etc however because I have had family visiting who are unwell and have mental health issues and I live in a small flat I have not forced my son not to breastfeed to sleep between the 26th to now I did not offer etc (family members left 1 day ago) as it would have been detrimental to family members health.

I have taken steps to ease my Ds off breastfeeding such as wearing tight tops to bed strict bed times, warm milk before bed and now my family member has left their bed will be moved back into our room so no more co sleeping.

My ex is angry at me for not continuing the no breastfeeding and is meant to have them again soon for a sleepover but is asking me to come stay over for the 2-3 nights to "help build the child's confidence back up".

AIBU that it is better for our child to go stay without me and that my ex has to deal with it like any parent or grandparent would and it would actually help the child stop needing the comfort before bed?

I would like to say my ex isn't a bad father and does care greatly for our child but they are more of a Disney dad and expects me to do all the hard stuff.

So I'm guessing the main answer is not to stay with my ex, tell them to continue a established routine and if they can't deal with it while I work from my end they will just have to stick to day trips to visit

I still feed my similarly aged DS to sleep. Been cutting down as much as possible but the tantrums can be very overwhelming and include me being hit, kicked etc. However my son has autism and limits on his communication, both in understanding and verbalising. I'm not sure if I'd expect the same level of meltdown from a 'neurotypical' child.

When asked by them to breastfeed I asked them to try to get to sleep for a set amount of time and if they couldn't sleep we would breastfeed to sleep.

If your child's not old enough to understand that they don't get their own way by throwing a tantrum they're not old enough to understand how long half an hour is. Just a tip.

4. for goodness sake say He/Him etc, "they" is just weird.

I asked them to try to get to sleep for a set amount of time and if they couldn't sleep we would breastfeed to sleep

But this is giving in. As soon as they ‘can’t get to sleep’ they know you’ll get your boobs out.

I know for me it isn’t normal and so I’m seeing it a certain way, but I can’t get past a 4.5 year old boy violently trying to get at your boobs, you not being able to change in front of him because he’ll launch at you, and having to sleep in tight clothes because he’ll help himself when you’re asleep. It just doesn’t feel right. I’m sure someone will be along to tell me I’m wrong but surely he is getting such a strange message about his right to claw and demand something from a woman’s body?!

They're behaviour and verbalision, learning,growth etc is very normal for their age. They do have quite bad tantrums sometimes which are worse when tired which is when I would be stopping breastfeeding. I do think isolation, COVID and the fact that we moved here two years ago has effected them but I have worked hard around these things. The country we are in had much stricter COVID restrictions then the UK and still does.

I don't change in front of him as it is guidelines for how to wean children from breastfeeding

Yeah I can't get past the violence here really and I have sen children who have been violent they are never allowed to hurt animals they have smashed up stereos on occasions ripped wallpaper but pets and people I'm right there stopping them my reason is its his wallpaper and his stereo he breaks it he lives with it the consequences are there for him to cry over and he has gained some self control still has no wallpaper but he has some control

I'm not sure why you think I allowed them to hurt the pets or why there wouldn't have been a punishment and talk about why that was wrong?

The tantrums which they can have we're used as a example as why it would have been in inappropriate to go cold turkey for the 6 days that my sick relative was visiting after they had the sleepover at their fathers house.

I agree with others. You expect him to put up with the tantrums but you won't. You need to wean him off the breast - it's ridiculous that you can't do this at 4 years old

I don't think my son is ready to completely stop they get almost violent pulling at me or waiting for me to go to sleep then tugging at my top to breastfeed,

I breastfed for an extended term too, as did many of my social group. ^This is worrying tbh. At 4+ your son should be learning more about empathy and your own boundaries and right to privacy. It sounds like he isn't hearing /respecting what you want here. Your own bodily autonomy is important and "martyr mothering" does nobody any favours. When I weaned my children, some of them did need it spelled out that, eg, "I don't want to do booby milk now, let's just have a cuddle and you can drink a cup of milk instead". They do need to hear that what YOU feel matters. This is a really important lesson and he's well old enough to learn it.

You said he hurt the cats. Whether you "allowed" it or not, he hurt them. This along with the level of tantrums, is worrying behaviour, can't you see that?

I cant see that a 4.5 year old, without special needs, cannot understand that he can BF to sleep at mummy's house, but he just gets cuddles and stories at daddy's. He might not like it much, but I'm sure he can understand it.

@Ileflottante

I asked them to try to get to sleep for a set amount of time and if they couldn't sleep we would breastfeed to sleep

But this is giving in. As soon as they ‘can’t get to sleep’ they know you’ll get your boobs out.

I know for me it isn’t normal and so I’m seeing it a certain way, but I can’t get past a 4.5 year old boy violently trying to get at your boobs, you not being able to change in front of him because he’ll launch at you, and having to sleep in tight clothes because he’ll help himself when you’re asleep. It just doesn’t feel right. I’m sure someone will be along to tell me I’m wrong but surely he is getting such a strange message about his right to claw and demand something from a woman’s body?!

I was involved in breastfeeding support for many years and I'm along to tell you you're spot on!

@Nomoresleepovers

They're behaviour and verbalision, learning,growth etc is very normal for their age. They do have quite bad tantrums sometimes which are worse when tired which is when I would be stopping breastfeeding. I do think isolation, COVID and the fact that we moved here two years ago has effected them but I have worked hard around these things. The country we are in had much stricter COVID restrictions then the UK and still does.

OP I have extensive experience with young children both professionally and as a parent. An NT child of school age throwing violent tantrums where they hurt animals and destroy rooms is not ‘normal’. Children behaving like this is usually an indicator or something else.

@Nomoresleepovers

I haven't said I would breastfeed him at home or work with my ex to help wean him from my side without staying at his. I absolutely could not allow tantrums or upset at night with my very unwell family member staying over.

But am I unreasonable to expect that we work separately in our own homes at making sure our son is comfortable staying at their fathers after I've done 10-14 nights settling him into his father's flat.

YANBU about this - his father should not be asking you to stay to settle your son. But YABU with your approach to weaning, because if your son knows there is any circumstance where you'll "put out", such as - Tantrumming Grabbing Claiming he can't sleep without nursing

Then, as soon as you give in, you are training him to behave in that way. I know it's hard for those of us who really committed to attachment parenting, but you just need to stand firm and know there will be a few difficult nights at yours, but then life will get easier.

Have a look at how this works in a natural setting OP. Look at what animals do when they want to wean older offspring. Generally, they kick them!! I've seen cats, horses and dogs "naturally wean" their young and they don't beat about the bush. We can get guilted into taking an awful lot of crap as mothers, but this particular crap is bad for the children as well as for us.

I'd thoroughly recommend the Breastfeeding Older Babies and Beyond Facebook group for non-judgemental support. I've seen lots of discussions on there between women in similar situations.

And for those interested in educating themselves on the topic of natural term breastfeeding rather than making snap judgements, here's some information aimed at GPs on the longterm benefits for child and mother of feeding to natural term.

Well done for feeding for so long OP. It's bloody tough. If you feel ready for weaning I'm sure your local La Leche League will provide you with free non judgemental support.

By 4.5, he should be able to respect other people's bodies and able to have conversations about not trying to get at your breasts or do things you don't want him to. I don't think breastfeeding at 4 is necessarily a problem but I do think it's a huge problem to have a school-age child who apparently doesn't respect someone's personal boundaries or wishes for their body.

Breastfeeding is your choice, not his. If it was anything else he was attempting to get by throwing tantrums, trying to pull your clothes off, etc. I imagine you wouldn't let him, and this is no different.

It doesn't sound like you've actually had conversations with him about it? DD is nearly 3 and perfectly capable of understanding when I tell her I don't want her to do something to my body.

Breastfeeding at 4.5 isn't an issue but it's a mixed message to go and stay at exes. It might be better for you not to stay and ex will need to say "My nipples don't have milk I them, would you like milk in a cup or would you like a cuddle?". Every time. He will understand eventually that there's no booby milk at daddy's.

It's not okay for your child to be pawing at you for breast milk at that age. They need to realise that you say when it happens as it's your body.
Nothing against breast feeding just the thought of a child that age yanking at my clothes would give me rage....plus the teeth.

Honestly? You need to simply stop breastfeeding cold turkey, no more gently cutting down, your ex can help by having dc for 2-3 nights in a row initially. At 4.5 you can explain he's a big boy and his milk is in a cup now, let him choose a new mug perhaps and have one of the same mugs at both houses

And you really should be brushing teeth after last milk drink at that age, adult teeth start to come through from 5/6

People need to lay off with the pronoun lecture. It's not relevant to the thread.

Well told ex I'm not coming, their worried that he will hate going to his and when he spoke to him on webcam today he was worried that he looked close to tears at the thought of staying again.

Your parenting choices are your own, but are you still breastfeeding your school aged child as a form of control over your ex? You are certainly making it very hard for him to joint parent. For disclosure I bf for 2 years, which is extended by todays standards. As babies and toddlers our children don't see us a people in our own right, but at his age he is old enough to be told that "mummy isn't doing this anymore" and know that no means no.