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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No more staying at my ex house

352 replies

Nomoresleepovers · 01/01/2022 17:01

Me and my ex share custody of our 4 1/2 year old son. His house is a 1 hour train ride away so to settle our son in I have stayed over for probably a total of 10 days? For the last 3 months to help settle our son in to sleep over by themselves. (The reason for the settling is that we had been separated for two years and our son had never spent the night alone with them plus they used to live much further away so visitation was infrequent/COVID travel restrictions are strict in our country)

The problem is that our son still breastfeeds to sleep (not great I know) but I have been working on this. At Christmas they had their first "Big Boy" sleepover and although they went to bed late and threw tantrums they did get to sleep for both the nights by midnight. I have praised my son greatly etc however because I have had family visiting who are unwell and have mental health issues and I live in a small flat I have not forced my son not to breastfeed to sleep between the 26th to now I did not offer etc (family members left 1 day ago) as it would have been detrimental to family members health.

I have taken steps to ease my Ds off breastfeeding such as wearing tight tops to bed strict bed times, warm milk before bed and now my family member has left their bed will be moved back into our room so no more co sleeping.

My ex is angry at me for not continuing the no breastfeeding and is meant to have them again soon for a sleepover but is asking me to come stay over for the 2-3 nights to "help build the child's confidence back up".

AIBU that it is better for our child to go stay without me and that my ex has to deal with it like any parent or grandparent would and it would actually help the child stop needing the comfort before bed?

I would like to say my ex isn't a bad father and does care greatly for our child but they are more of a Disney dad and expects me to do all the hard stuff.

OP posts:
roarfeckingroarr · 07/01/2022 21:13

I still breastfeed my 14 month old and plan to until he's at least two; I couldn't be k

user97533676 · 07/01/2022 21:13

[quote Offmyfence]@user97533676 why's that a silly term? I get you are pro very extended breast feeding to not have to deal with sleep issues etc, but why so derogatory about the facts?

[/quote]
It's not a fact. Dummies don't "free" mothers, whatever that even means. You're arguing with nature.

roarfeckingroarr · 07/01/2022 21:14

Sorry * couldn't be more pro breast feeding. But I'm surprised to hear about a 4/5 year old still being breastfed. I thought the WHO said 2 years is good but after that is superfluous.

user97533676 · 07/01/2022 21:14

@VelvetChairGirl

"Way past which weaning age?"

weening age onto food, they dont need it once they can eat properly.

I don't think you understand what weaning from breastmilk is if you think it involves food.
user97533676 · 07/01/2022 21:14

@roarfeckingroarr

Sorry * couldn't be more pro breast feeding. But I'm surprised to hear about a 4/5 year old still being breastfed. I thought the WHO said 2 years is good but after that is superfluous.
They didn't. They said until AT LEAST 2 years old.
Offmyfence · 07/01/2022 21:19

@user97533676 all this "weaning" and breast milk is still good is nonsense! All nutrients are gained through the diet of a school aged child, assuming they've been introduced to a good diet, which is the parents responsibility.

You're a dummy, used by the child to get them to sleep, the same as a comforter or blanket etc.

By your own admission your child wouldn't go to sleep until you gave them your breast.

It's nothing to do with weaning.

Offmyfence · 07/01/2022 21:19

@roarfeckingroarr

Sorry * couldn't be more pro breast feeding. But I'm surprised to hear about a 4/5 year old still being breastfed. I thought the WHO said 2 years is good but after that is superfluous.
Agreed!
user97533676 · 07/01/2022 21:21

[quote Offmyfence]@user97533676 all this "weaning" and breast milk is still good is nonsense! All nutrients are gained through the diet of a school aged child, assuming they've been introduced to a good diet, which is the parents responsibility.

You're a dummy, used by the child to get them to sleep, the same as a comforter or blanket etc.

By your own admission your child wouldn't go to sleep until you gave them your breast.

It's nothing to do with weaning.[/quote]
Tell that to the WHO

roarfeckingroarr · 07/01/2022 21:21

My mistake @user97533676

I'll breastfeed DS if he still wants to until he's at least two, but I do think 4/5 sounds quite extreme.

roarfeckingroarr · 07/01/2022 21:24

@Offmyfence I agree re the child probably not gaining nutritional benefit anymore from breastmilk but I don't think you're helping your argument by being so blunt and falling PP nothing more than a dummy to their baby

VelvetChairGirl · 07/01/2022 21:25

Right I have slogged thru all this and have a few random things to say aimed at various people upon the subject.

1 my child never had trouble sleeping and he wasnt breastfed, has it occurred to any of you that its not the milk but the physical contact which is really the point here.

2 will the breast milk champion please stop bleating about how great it is, its very very annoying to those of us who didn't want to or couldn't do it for many reasons, it boarders on judgmental bullying frankly to rabbit on about it so much and demonize formula, millions of people are very, very grateful for formula, before its invention all we had was pap and carnation milk mixed with brown sugar as an alternative.

3 I have a SEN kid and he has never hurt an animal, not even an insect because he knows he would have my wrath if he did, he does have tantrums and throws things and breaks things and punches things, but he doesn't hurt living things, if he did so accidentally he would be absolutely horrified and very sorry once the red mist passed.

  1. the child is supremely insecure and suffering from anxiety, this is why they are behaving as they are it doesnt matter if they are SEN or not, the behaviour is insecurity, now that maybe because of the OPs behaviour, it maybe because of the fathers behaviour, or how the father treats the op and the subsequent knock on effects of that or the current arrangements. but something has to change and it goes way deeper then still boob feeding a 4 and half year old, thats one of the symptoms of the problems not the cause.
PinkSyCo · 07/01/2022 21:50

Reporting akk these dangerous anti breastfeeding posts

I am not anti breastfeeding at all. I was lucky enough to be able to breast feed all my children until they didn’t need it anymore.

user97533676 · 07/01/2022 22:38

@roarfeckingroarr

My mistake *@user97533676*

I'll breastfeed DS if he still wants to until he's at least two, but I do think 4/5 sounds quite extreme.

Extreme? It's uncommonin the UK because the breastfeeding rates beyond 6mo are 1%.

It's not extreme to allow your child to wean naturally. Nature is amazing.

user97533676 · 07/01/2022 22:40

2 will the breast milk champion please stop bleating about how great it is, its very very annoying to those of us who didn't want to or couldn't do it for many reasons, it boarders on judgmental bullying frankly to rabbit on about it so much and demonize formula, millions of people are very, very grateful for formula, before its invention all we had was pap and carnation milk mixed with brown sugar as an alternative.

Sorry but that's nothing to do with me.

I had an emergency C Section but I wouldn't begrudge anyone campaigning about the benefits of a natural birth.

gamerchick · 07/01/2022 23:02

@user97533676

2 will the breast milk champion please stop bleating about how great it is, its very very annoying to those of us who didn't want to or couldn't do it for many reasons, it boarders on judgmental bullying frankly to rabbit on about it so much and demonize formula, millions of people are very, very grateful for formula, before its invention all we had was pap and carnation milk mixed with brown sugar as an alternative.

Sorry but that's nothing to do with me.

I had an emergency C Section but I wouldn't begrudge anyone campaigning about the benefits of a natural birth.

Determined folks always pull that stuff to shut down conversation. Happens on all areas of topics.
user97533676 · 07/01/2022 23:07

@gamerchick What do you mean?

gamerchick · 07/01/2022 23:17

I'm answering you and referring to your quote.

Always happens. You can't talk about natural term breastfeeding without someone wailing that you're mean because they couldn't or didn't.

fuckoffjournalists · 07/01/2022 23:27

@mycatistrans it’s way more common than you’d think, people don’t talk about it though, due to reactions like yours.

VelvetChairGirl · 07/01/2022 23:43

@gamerchick

I'm answering you and referring to your quote.

Always happens. You can't talk about natural term breastfeeding without someone wailing that you're mean because they couldn't or didn't.

My brother wasnt breastfed, I wasnt and my sister was and she was and still is a very weak and sickly person, nothing wrong with formula it doesn't ruin you for life or whatever.

All the BF stuff on here is what drove me to other place when I had my kid, couldn't ask a single thing about formula without the Breast is best lot wading in to say how terrible formula is, got pretty damn sick of explaining I didnt make any and even if I had my kid wouldnt have been able to do it anyway due to tongue tie. and I had a emergency C-section too so what.

user97533676 · 07/01/2022 23:43

@gamerchick

I'm answering you and referring to your quote.

Always happens. You can't talk about natural term breastfeeding without someone wailing that you're mean because they couldn't or didn't.

Oh I totally agree.

And the thing is, it's only something like 1% of women who don't produce enough.

Formula is the norm and this thread is evident of that. If anyone is to feel criticised it's breastfeeding mothers.

user97533676 · 07/01/2022 23:46

*My brother wasnt breastfed, I wasnt and my sister was and she was and still is a very weak and sickly person, nothing wrong with formula it doesn't ruin you for life or whatever.

All the BF stuff on here is what drove me to other place when I had my kid, couldn't ask a single thing about formula without the Breast is best lot wading in to say how terrible formula is, got pretty damn sick of explaining I didnt make any and even if I had my kid wouldnt have been able to do it anyway due to tongue tie. and I had a emergency C-section too so what.*

The Breast is best lot? You mean the 1% of the population who breastfeed after 6mo old?

We have the lowest breastfeeding rates in the world and it's not difficult to see why.

Every time breast is mentioned you have people taking it as a personal insult.
Alongside that you have poor informed people calling breastfeeding mothers dummies for allowing their children to naturally wean.

user97533676 · 07/01/2022 23:46

@user97533676

*My brother wasnt breastfed, I wasnt and my sister was and she was and still is a very weak and sickly person, nothing wrong with formula it doesn't ruin you for life or whatever.

All the BF stuff on here is what drove me to other place when I had my kid, couldn't ask a single thing about formula without the Breast is best lot wading in to say how terrible formula is, got pretty damn sick of explaining I didnt make any and even if I had my kid wouldnt have been able to do it anyway due to tongue tie. and I had a emergency C-section too so what.*

The Breast is best lot? You mean the 1% of the population who breastfeed after 6mo old?

We have the lowest breastfeeding rates in the world and it's not difficult to see why.

Every time breast is mentioned you have people taking it as a personal insult.
Alongside that you have poor informed people calling breastfeeding mothers dummies for allowing their children to naturally wean.

Sorry this was for @VelvetChairGirl
VelvetChairGirl · 07/01/2022 23:48

@user97533676

*My brother wasnt breastfed, I wasnt and my sister was and she was and still is a very weak and sickly person, nothing wrong with formula it doesn't ruin you for life or whatever.

All the BF stuff on here is what drove me to other place when I had my kid, couldn't ask a single thing about formula without the Breast is best lot wading in to say how terrible formula is, got pretty damn sick of explaining I didnt make any and even if I had my kid wouldnt have been able to do it anyway due to tongue tie. and I had a emergency C-section too so what.*

The Breast is best lot? You mean the 1% of the population who breastfeed after 6mo old?

We have the lowest breastfeeding rates in the world and it's not difficult to see why.

Every time breast is mentioned you have people taking it as a personal insult.
Alongside that you have poor informed people calling breastfeeding mothers dummies for allowing their children to naturally wean.

The lot who wade in as I stated in the above post you quoted.
user97533676 · 07/01/2022 23:56

@VelvetChairGirl
So just to clarify this post is from a breastfeeding mother and you are claiming that Pro breastfeeders waded in?
I've posted to defend OP and natural breastfeeding. I think you've got the wrong thread.

VelvetChairGirl · 08/01/2022 00:04

[quote user97533676]@VelvetChairGirl
So just to clarify this post is from a breastfeeding mother and you are claiming that Pro breastfeeders waded in?
I've posted to defend OP and natural breastfeeding. I think you've got the wrong thread.[/quote]
I think you've not read my original post properly I stated I have read the whole thread and here is a few random things aimed at various people. i.e throughout the whole thread.

be interesting to know why you are being so defensive and have convinced yourself I am talking about you (spoiler I wasnt).