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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No more staying at my ex house

352 replies

Nomoresleepovers · 01/01/2022 17:01

Me and my ex share custody of our 4 1/2 year old son. His house is a 1 hour train ride away so to settle our son in I have stayed over for probably a total of 10 days? For the last 3 months to help settle our son in to sleep over by themselves. (The reason for the settling is that we had been separated for two years and our son had never spent the night alone with them plus they used to live much further away so visitation was infrequent/COVID travel restrictions are strict in our country)

The problem is that our son still breastfeeds to sleep (not great I know) but I have been working on this. At Christmas they had their first "Big Boy" sleepover and although they went to bed late and threw tantrums they did get to sleep for both the nights by midnight. I have praised my son greatly etc however because I have had family visiting who are unwell and have mental health issues and I live in a small flat I have not forced my son not to breastfeed to sleep between the 26th to now I did not offer etc (family members left 1 day ago) as it would have been detrimental to family members health.

I have taken steps to ease my Ds off breastfeeding such as wearing tight tops to bed strict bed times, warm milk before bed and now my family member has left their bed will be moved back into our room so no more co sleeping.

My ex is angry at me for not continuing the no breastfeeding and is meant to have them again soon for a sleepover but is asking me to come stay over for the 2-3 nights to "help build the child's confidence back up".

AIBU that it is better for our child to go stay without me and that my ex has to deal with it like any parent or grandparent would and it would actually help the child stop needing the comfort before bed?

I would like to say my ex isn't a bad father and does care greatly for our child but they are more of a Disney dad and expects me to do all the hard stuff.

OP posts:
DartmoorChef · 01/01/2022 19:42

Your posts are very difficult to understand with all the "they" "them" when it should say he or his or him etc..

Elieza · 01/01/2022 19:51

Like others have said, please don’t say ‘they’ when referring to one child, it’s ‘him’ or ‘her’. ‘They’ is a plural.

Re bf, I think you ex is trying to control you so you can’t date anyone else as you’re still feeding your child yourself.

Plus he doesn’t like to have to do any tough parenting. It’s just easier if you help. Easy bedtimes with minimal effort from him.

For your child, all this on off on again bf is confusing and quite honestly it’s cruel. You both have to decide what to do and stick to it. As it’s your body it should be your decision, but you can take his comments into consideration if you wish. Although I wouldn’t!

By 4.5 he will get his nutritional needs met by food. In traditional times without contraceptives, if you’d had another two babies in the intervening years there wouldn’t be enough milk for all so the eldest would have to be weaned. Probably the middle child too.

If you want to stop it’s therefore fine. An inbetween measure could be expressing milk and your son having a bottle of this milk at night at your house and take one to his dads for use there too.

It could be the milk he wants. Or the comfort of you. But he needs to grow up at some point and he has to manage without you when at his dads. So it seems sensible to give him a strategy to cope with this. A bottle of your familiar milk may be an interim way of doing this.

You mentioned you’re moving house shortly. A lot of change at once is unsettling for children. So if you’re going to make any bf changes please do it now so the new routine can be established before he gets his own room. Otherwise the change may be too much.

Re tantrums and hurting animals, that sounds very bad. It sounds like he’s not coping with the current situation. Or he’s just bratty and spoiled. I don’t know him so can’t say. But he can’t throw a wobbly and you give in. That just teaches him to throw more wobblies! You have to have house rules and stick to them. I think you do that though. Perhaps the whole sad situation with changeable on off answers is confusing him.

Get a plan. Keep to it.

Original poster
Nomoresleepovers · 01/01/2022 19:52

Well my ex has blammed me for not stopping breastfeeding months ago and says he doesn't want to phsychologicly damage him by keeping him over night again

OP posts:
femfemlicious · 01/01/2022 19:55

Why are you carrying on with they/them. You have already said he...we know hes a boyHmm

GettingItOutThere · 01/01/2022 19:58

im all for breastfeeding but after 3 is not necessary! 4.5 is just madness!!!.

You need to stop that asap

JMKid · 01/01/2022 20:02

Why do you keep on referring to your son as they or them!!! Stop breast feeding!!! You seem to be using so many excuses for stopping. There is no reason to be breast feeding him at the 4 1/2!!

DivorcedAndDelighted · 01/01/2022 20:03

@Nomoresleepovers

No I never give in to tantrums. I have left shops without shopping, taken away toys, time outs etc. When my family member was here it wasn't appropriate to go cold turkey incase of tantrums etc. I did not offer breastfeeding, kept routine, did not change in front of them and slept in tight tops. When asked by them to breastfeed I asked them to try to get to sleep for a set amount of time and if they couldn't sleep we would breastfeed to sleep.

Which is the most appropriate thing I could do while my family member was down... Like would you sleep Train your baby while your sick grandma was staying for a week?

I do understand this OP. I tried to night wean one of mine while I had friends staying with us for a while. It was really difficult - he would scream the house down as if he was being tortured, plus grabbing at me. He was 2 1/2 though so developmentally understandable though not ideal. If my visitors had only been staying for a week, I'd have put it off until they'd gone.
LilaBellaRose · 01/01/2022 20:04

@Nomoresleepovers

Well it says that tantrums are normal from 1-4 years old up to once a day. So I'm not that worried about that right now

Your child is HURTING your cat! Thats not a tantrum that's terrible behavior. Your poor cat. Please don't normalise this

girlmom21 · 01/01/2022 20:04

@Nomoresleepovers

Well told ex I'm not coming, their worried that he will hate going to his and when he spoke to him on webcam today he was worried that he looked close to tears at the thought of staying again.
It's more than likely because he knows he can't do whatever he wants to your ex and get away with it
worriedatthemoment · 01/01/2022 20:10

I would be more concerned at the tantrums they seem quite extreme if being violent etc at basically being told no
How long you bf is upto you but he is old enough to go to dads and know that bF isn't possible there

Original poster
Nomoresleepovers · 01/01/2022 20:12

He thinks he will phsychologically damage them if he stays at theirs if they haven't completely stopped breastfeeding. He's now complaining about his lack of input in their sleep routine... Well have him over night then

OP posts:
Elieza · 01/01/2022 20:12

So if staying overnight at your ex’s house is in his opinion ‘psychologically damaging’ to the child, does your ex expect you to just bf for ever? Or does he mean that you had the opportunity to stop before he had a house of his own and started doing overnights, in which case he actually has a point, that would have been better for the child.

Your ex is still an ass though. He has to take his turn parenting your child and stop being a lazy arse.

Does he pay you maintenance money for your child?

worriedatthemoment · 01/01/2022 20:13

And no you shouldn't have to stay there with him

SlashBeef · 01/01/2022 20:15

Why do you say you have a son but then use they/them for him? Confused makes your posts really clunky and hard to read.
Ultimately its entirely up to you and your son to continue with breastfeeding but I really can't imagine tolerating my 4 year old throwing tantrums and grabbing at my body. That's just so unacceptable and I'd be drawing some very firm boundaries regardless of the bedtime routine at his father's.

AlwaysLatte · 01/01/2022 20:16

BF'ing should last as long as mother and child want it to. I can see why you left him, just say no! Sleepovers happen after feeding naturally ends.

JustUseTheDoorSanta · 01/01/2022 20:18

you had the opportunity to stop before he had a house of his own and started doing overnights, in which case he actually has a point, that would have been better for the child
No, it really makes no difference to a child who is comfortable with both parents. No mummy = no boobs. Mine sleeps perfectly happily for DH when I'm not there, because DH has never had boobs he has never expected milk from him, at least since a cute attempt at a few weeks old when he was lying on DH and got confused. The issue with sleep at the ex is because he doesn't have a bedtime routine there. Ex needs to develop that; make him feel safe and loved, then off to sleep.

worriedatthemoment · 01/01/2022 20:26

@AlwaysLatte they mentioned a court order ?

1forAll74 · 01/01/2022 20:29

I would definitely leave your child with the Father, whatever,with you not staying over with him. It might break the cycle of the breast feeding issues, if you can both work together on this. I have never heard of anyone breastfeeding at this age of a child, it's very inconvenient all round, especially if it promotes all this screaming and shouting and tantrums , and ripping at your clothes all the time. It must be quite disturbing for a child, to go through this kind of behaviour.

Original poster
Nomoresleepovers · 01/01/2022 20:33

Jeez not ripping at my clothes all the time. Trying to pull my top down when co sleeping.

Yes it's not as normal in western countries to breastfeed as long , and personally I was planning to stop before 4 but he was very upset by school then we were both very ill. I believed I had until January to work through the last part and when his father wanted him for Christmas I thought it was a positive step.

OP posts:
feedthepeony · 01/01/2022 20:34

@flippertyop

I agree with others. You expect him to put up with the tantrums but you won't. You need to wean him off the breast - it's ridiculous that you can't do this at 4 years old
Agree with this.

Also are you raising your child as non-binary / gender fluid? It comes across that way with the constant 'they're, them, they.'

His tantrums to the point of hitting you / harming the poor bloody animals and destruction aren't normal.

Good on you for feeding for so long, but if it's effecting his relationship with his dad it's not fair. Particularly if it's not a team effort and he has to deal with the tantrums his end because of it all. He's old enough to understand. He's not a baby (as much as he thinks he is as from what you've said??)

With the fact he still thinks he's a baby, and his ways of harming the animals and destruction - are there any possibilities of SEN?

Original poster
Nomoresleepovers · 01/01/2022 20:36

My child has always been very clingy, they're father just wants me to flat stop now otherwise they're not having them overnight apparently. So I've told him I won't say when he's stopped breastfeeding. Although I am aiming to stop soon.

OP posts:
KiloWhat · 01/01/2022 20:39

@JustUseTheDoorSanta

4) for goodness sake say He/Him etc, "they" is just weird.
It's the mixture that's confusing me. One minute it's him then it's they and it throws me a bit becuase there is also mention of a relative.
Original poster
Nomoresleepovers · 01/01/2022 20:39

No what I expect is not to have to do this alone

OP posts:
Lennybenny · 01/01/2022 20:40

[quote Whywonttheyhelpme]@christmascharade I disagree

The ex is cross that, after struggling through a sleep over and finally winning, the OP has carried on BF because it suited her and her family. I too would be cross- not for my own benefit but because it undermines everything that they are striving to achieve and puts the child back in square one.[/quote]
Yes. Op stopped and then started so now ex has to deal with it all again when if the plan had been stuck to it would be fine.

KiloWhat · 01/01/2022 20:40

@Nomoresleepovers

My child has always been very clingy, they're father just wants me to flat stop now otherwise they're not having them overnight apparently. So I've told him I won't say when he's stopped breastfeeding. Although I am aiming to stop soon.
It doesn't sound like you're working together at all so probably best to just leave communication to strictly need to know.
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