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Original poster

To be upset with partner over no engagement?

256 replies

bluenewyear23 · 01/01/2022 15:08

My partner and I have discussed marriage a lot over the years as something we both want to do - even down to details about the ceremony size etc. We’ve been more ‘seriously’ talking about it for last year and a half and he wants to do it in his own way - but soon. This still hasn’t happened 1.5 years on and I’m quite upset about it.
I’m now 3 months pregnant and we’ve just had our second fight about it. First fight was not long after finding out I’m pregnant - he suddenly said he doesn’t really want to get married and it’s not important to him. He has said ‘he will if I insist’ but in his own time/when he feels ready.

Obviously I’m not sure if I want to marry someone who doesn’t actually want to marry me for the right reasons. We’ve now fallen out I assume - as he’s taken the joint car, disappeared and turned his phone off.

I can’t help but feel a bit strung along, the timing of telling me he doesn’t want to get married once I’ve already gotten pregnant seems odd since we’ve spoken so much before about it.

Am I being unreasonable being so upset? Should I just wait and see if he does at some point in the future? Am I expecting too much?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 01/01/2022 19:12

@GrandmasCat

He has said ‘he will if I insist’ but in his own time/when he feels ready.

You insist, walk him to the local registry to put in paper ASAP and certainly before the child is born. You can organise the romantic wedding for another time.

See marriage as a contract that protects you and your child from him walking out with mutual assets. Now if this has shown you who he is… believe him, leave and do not complicate the situation further by staying, if he wants his single life now that he is going to be a dad… let him have it, it is much easier to raise your kid alone than raising them with a selfish man who only cares about himself.

The OP is the higher earner.

It's now in her best interests NOT to marry him.

RussiasGreatestLoveMachine · 01/01/2022 19:18

He's telling you that he will do it when he's ready, not that he'll never do it.

Unfortunately, this is the line that men who’ll never do it also use, as a means of diverting the argument.

DillDanding · 01/01/2022 19:19

Sorry, but wanting the old-fashioned proposal and 'getting engaged' seems a bit daft to me when you're already pregnant.

It also sounds like he doesn't want the same as you in this regard.

crochetmonkey74 · 01/01/2022 19:20

I wasted 7 years on a man like this.

lightisnotwhite · 01/01/2022 19:20

@Coop80

Why not propose to him then?
Well she sort of has. And he’s sort of said yes but won’t set a date.

I’d move out. If he can live without you and his child this will show you. He can do EOW and pay maintenance. If marriage is important to you it’s the same as anything else that’s either is or isn’t.

InaccurateDream · 01/01/2022 19:25

Is he back yet?

ToykotoLosAngeles · 01/01/2022 19:25

@DillDanding

Sorry, but wanting the old-fashioned proposal and 'getting engaged' seems a bit daft to me when you're already pregnant.

It also sounds like he doesn't want the same as you in this regard.

Well given the OP said "he wants to do it in his own way - but soon" then yes, I agree he is being very silly wanting to do a formal proposal.

However, he apparently now doesn't want to get married so he has either gone off OP and won't admit it, or lied.

Original poster
bluenewyear23 · 01/01/2022 19:31

Yes he's back and pretended nothing was wrong. Then went off to the pub when I said I don't think leaving me with no car and turning off your phone is acceptable behaviour when I'm pregnant, argument or not.

Honestly seeing all this written down helps me see from the outside, which is eye opening.

Thanks again all, going to have a serious think about what I want.

OP posts:
Miserablebitch · 01/01/2022 19:31

When my dear nephew’s girlfriend got pregnant she said to him that she would give the child her surname if they didn’t get married (she already had a daughter, but her ex decided he didn’t want to get married and left her shortly after their dd was born). They went away and had a very small wedding when she was 6 months pregnant. They had their big party, blessing, wedding dress, reception, cake etc. when their daughter was 4 months old. Dear nephew adopted her elder daughter, so they all have the same surname.

UsernameInTheTown · 01/01/2022 19:32

Do not put his name on the birth certificate.
Do not give him any say in baby's name.
Do not give baby his surname.
He has told you loud and clear what he thinks of you.
Prepare to parent alone. You'll be awesome.

Username075 · 01/01/2022 19:33

Absolutely not. Your in a long term relationship and pregnant with his child… it’s not out of the norm to desire a proposal. What a difficult predicament x

londonrach · 01/01/2022 19:33

Op sounds like he doesn't want to marry you. Protect yourself and your DC asap please.

notanothertakeaway · 01/01/2022 19:34

@bonetiredwithtwins

And this would be why I refused to get pregnant until I was married
Out of interest @bonetiredwithtwins what part of your post is helpful to the OP?
saleorbouy · 01/01/2022 19:37

Would you get Married and walk down the aisle while pregnant or with a newborn in toe, I doubt it so by falling pregnant you've kicked that into the long grass for a while.
Even 8f he wanted to propose then it unlikely he will until the dust has settled after the birth and he can see his place again.
Knowing the changes a child has on a relationship its gonna be a tough on for him as your priorities will focus on the baby, not him and the relationship.
Hope it all works out well be as others have said I'd be well prepared financially to go it alone.

ListeningButNotHearing · 01/01/2022 19:37

......."Then went off to the pub when I said I don't think leaving me with no car and turning off your phone is acceptable behaviour when I'm pregnant, argument or not........"

He's an arse-wipe.

Staryflight445 · 01/01/2022 19:41

I wish I left my now husband over this.
Took him to our 5th anniversary to give me a ring but he never asked the question. Took another almost 4 years to actually marry.
I wish I experienced actually being asked the question and for some reason didn’t realise how important this was to me at the time.

I’ll forever now not feel good enough and it does create a lot of insecurity’s for me.

RussiasGreatestLoveMachine · 01/01/2022 19:42

Then went off to the pub when I said I don't think leaving me with no car and turning off your phone is acceptable behaviour when I'm pregnant, argument or not.

As is so often the case when someone comes on here to question their partner’s behaviour - the issue is quite apparent.

He doesn’t like you, does he?

Please don’t think I’m saying this to be unkind. I’m absolutely not. I’m just trying to remove the blinkers from your eyes.

There is zero point in being in a relationship with someone you don’t like, or who doesn’t like you. It’s the absolute antithesis of a happy, mutually satisfying relationship.

You deserve better. Flowers

ChiefStockingStuffer · 01/01/2022 19:43

He didn't like that you stated your obvious concerns about him swanning off with the only car and went NC while you're at home and rightfully upset with him and pregnant?

FFS
You are in a vulnerable position with this man and he's starting to show his true colours. Get legal advice to get him out.

hadtoomanymincepies · 01/01/2022 19:47

I think your age is important here too. In your 20s lots of people would see no rush to be married after 4 years. In your 40s it's different.

Dillydollydingdong · 01/01/2022 19:49

Tell him that if he doesn't want to get married, you will have to go forward on your own. That means the baby gets your surname. As already said by another pp, you need your own bank account, including a savings account. And don't act like a housewife - don't be responsible for doing his washing or clearing up after him. Men like this think they can have their cake and eat it too. Now that he's shown his true colours, you might not even want to marry him.

TotallyFloored · 01/01/2022 19:58

As the higher earner, why do you want to marry. It will not benefit you financially. I learned that one the hard way. It is a legal contract to protect the weaker financial party, which is not you. Wish I had given that more thought. An expensive mistake.

BlueSuffragette · 01/01/2022 20:01

Think long and hard OP about what you really want and then don't settle for anything less. He sounds like he's not really that into you to fully commit to marriage. Best wishes with whatever you decide. xx

oakleaffy · 01/01/2022 20:03

Sadly too many men don't want to get married, and are forced into it by their partners.. A war of attrition, nagging, tears, getting pregnant...the latter is a huge risk, but happens.

Why does marriage matter so much when many marriages end in expensive divorce after a few short years?

I'd never marry again after having a divorce, and I'm a woman.

oakleaffy · 01/01/2022 20:03

@TotallyFloored

As the higher earner, why do you want to marry. It will not benefit you financially. I learned that one the hard way. It is a legal contract to protect the weaker financial party, which is not you. Wish I had given that more thought. An expensive mistake.
YES!!! /\ /\
Theeyeballsinthesky · 01/01/2022 20:04

Ah Sorry OP, your update suggests he’s a bit of a nobber

You sound lovely & if you do decide to go it alone, you’ll be brilliant xx

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