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Original poster

To be upset with partner over no engagement?

256 replies

bluenewyear23 · 01/01/2022 15:08

My partner and I have discussed marriage a lot over the years as something we both want to do - even down to details about the ceremony size etc. We’ve been more ‘seriously’ talking about it for last year and a half and he wants to do it in his own way - but soon. This still hasn’t happened 1.5 years on and I’m quite upset about it.
I’m now 3 months pregnant and we’ve just had our second fight about it. First fight was not long after finding out I’m pregnant - he suddenly said he doesn’t really want to get married and it’s not important to him. He has said ‘he will if I insist’ but in his own time/when he feels ready.

Obviously I’m not sure if I want to marry someone who doesn’t actually want to marry me for the right reasons. We’ve now fallen out I assume - as he’s taken the joint car, disappeared and turned his phone off.

I can’t help but feel a bit strung along, the timing of telling me he doesn’t want to get married once I’ve already gotten pregnant seems odd since we’ve spoken so much before about it.

Am I being unreasonable being so upset? Should I just wait and see if he does at some point in the future? Am I expecting too much?

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 01/01/2022 18:18

I’m now 3 months pregnant

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

He is showing you that he is not interested in providing the mother of his children with the financial protections of marriage.

Whatever you do, no not make yourself financially dependent on him. I'm afraid that means minimum maternity leave and back to work as soon as possible, with childcare and other child related costs a joint expense.

Good luck.

How would you feel about bringing up your child as a single mother.

Brainwave89 · 01/01/2022 18:20

Things can change for men when a baby appears. He may have been very happy to talk in theory about having a long term committed relationship, but the reality looks different sometimes. be careful OP.

notanothertakeaway · 01/01/2022 18:22

I think it's fine to continue in the relationship / have a child without being married

And no one should be pressured to marry against their wishes

But you need to go into this with your eyes open, understanding what the implications are. As others have said, financially you might be better off unmarried

RussiasGreatestLoveMachine · 01/01/2022 18:23

As PP have said you’ve been well and truly played, and by planning a pregnancy before the proposal, you handed him all the cards.

Accept that he doesn’t want to marry you, and move on from that.

I’m glad to hear you have some financial security, and even more glad to hear you plan to give the baby your surname.

FinallyHere · 01/01/2022 18:24

Just seen that you are the higher earner. If you can maintain that, and avoid the baby impacting your career negatively, you might come to be glad you are not tied to him by marriage. Good luck.

ChiefStockingStuffer · 01/01/2022 18:29

He's lied to you. Repeatedly. And now he thinks you're stuck.

Ask him to move out. Tell him you two can work out the financials later, but obviously, the priority is for you to have a home to raise your child in. Tell him you will be pursuing him for full maintenance but you're no longer interested in being with someone who thinks his bait and switch behaviour is appropriate.

Give the baby your surname, and I don't see why he should have any input into other names since he can't even be arsed to follow through with legal protections for all of you.

AcrossthePond55 · 01/01/2022 18:30

He doesn't want to get married. Well, that is his right. Deceiving you about it is pretty shitty, though. But it just proves that he wants to be sure he has an 'easy out' if he wants one. Not to say he'll ever take it, but he wants to keep that option. So, it behooves you to keep your options open, too. Goose, gander, sauce.

So your primary goal now is to protect yourself financially. If you have any joint finances, separate them. Make it a priority to pay off any debt that YOU may have. Start (or increase) your savings. Be sure you aren't 'overpaying' your fair share of the household expenses. Double check on the titling of the house and mortgage to be sure you have 50/50 ownership with no ring fencing, liens, or encumbrances.

Ask him how he expects to financially contribute to his coming child. How is he planning to pay half of all the baby's needs? Nappies, clothes, and all the other accoutrements that come with a baby. So many times the man figures the mother will carry that burden out of her maternity pay or whatever other child-related payments she may receive. You may have to accept the fact that you will have to return to work sooner than you really want to. And whatever you do, do NOT give up your job to be a SAHM. The temptation will be great, believe me, once that baby is here. But it would be a foolish decision unless your career is one you can 'put down and pick up' at will. And research childcare options and costs in your area, now. Not 9 months from now.

If he wonders why suddenly you are so concerned, tell him the truth. That his decision to NOT commit legally (a 100% commitment) to the relationship has made you feel insecure. Nothing but the truth, and you are as entitled to your feelings as he is to his. Maybe if he feels you are also keeping your options open, he may reevaluate his.

YukoandHiro · 01/01/2022 18:33

Everyone has given great advice and you've taken it on board. Worth mentioning that my now DH didn't want to marry and I wasn't fussed either - but we got engaged when our eldest was three months old and married when they were eight months old because it suddenly became important to both of us. You may find your DP ends up feeling the same. If not, you've got good advice on here

NoNameHere12 · 01/01/2022 18:34

Lady, if your going to have the baby unmarried the worst thing you can do to yourself and that baby is give up work. Do not give up work unmarried, even for “a few months” you will be trapped!
Maternity leave for as long as you can take then go back, even if half yours and half his salary goes on childcare, do not give it up

SalveVagina · 01/01/2022 18:35

OP, given your partner's very childish behaviour (huffing off), I wouldn't want to marry him. Especially not when you are the higher earner. In fact, there's nothing in it for you as things stand.

As PP have said, you'd need to share all the costs incurred by having a child equally with your partner, and share all the duties/sick leave etc. I see no reason at all to give your child his surname, if you're not married - and even if you were, you wouldn't have to do it.

If you decide he's worth keeping and you can agree on how to organise your lives/childcare, you need to get things legally watertight so that you're not disadvantaged in the event of a later separation (which I'd think was likely, given his silly behaviour).

mswales · 01/01/2022 18:40

Just to say OP you can top up statutory maternity pay with universal credit if it's not enough to cover your outgoings (if you are living separately from your partner and are the named recipient of the child benefit and have less than 6k in savings or assets)

bonetiredwithtwins · 01/01/2022 18:48

And this would be why I refused to get pregnant until I was married

Liz1tummypain · 01/01/2022 18:51

Sorry to hear you're in this situation OP. I hope he really is interested in being a dad. It doesn't seem like your baby is going to see a lot of him. Best wishes for the future. I hope things stay amicable at least.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 01/01/2022 18:52

@Horst

Sounds like he doesn’t want marriage. Don’t give the baby his last name, don’t give up work. Make sure he pays his fair share of all child related costs.
This... So many women pals who then had kids, either didn't want marriage, or strung along...( We'll get married some time /never....)

In each case they've been utterly turned over, between 2 and 15 years later.... Where they took the lions share of child costs and gave up large bits of their career to play mum/Hausfrau....

And of course it was lovely for the blokes... They paid minimally... And had zero impact on their career... In fact enhanced it as :settled family men...

The women in contrast were having drastically reduced income for YEARS, and had missed promotion, and lost pension contributions etc etc...

ALL were worse off than had they been married.

MrsBaublesDylan · 01/01/2022 18:54

Actually op, given that you are the higher earner, he is actually doing you a huge favour.

The house is in both your names and it is he who can't register the birth and you get to keep your surname and give it to the baby.

In your position I would honestly tell him that you no longer want to get married because it isn't financially beneficial to you. Then tell him that although you have now decided not to marry, his lack of commitment to you and your child means that you don't know if you want the relationship to continue and that once you have decided, he'll be the first to know.

Fluffycloudland77 · 01/01/2022 18:55

Basically he’s waiting for the hot 21yo supermodel to come along isn’t he? Their not against marriage then. It’s why you see women dumped after 20 years for a younger model. Their engaged 5 minutes after meeting them.

It’s like us all holding out for Daniel Craig look alikes.

Lauren0902 · 01/01/2022 18:55

Ah I've been here OP and my situation had a happy ending. My other half married his high school girlfriend until she left him for someone else when in their mid 30s. The divorce was a bit messy and he said he would never marry again. Marriage was important to me and I would get on at him A LOT, like your DP he would tell me that he would propose if I insisted but he would only be proposing because it's something I wanted which upset me and I told him never to propose under those circumstances.

I actually got so fed up with the arguments it caused and I realised that we loved each other and that is enough. It was a hard pill to swallow and I just completely dropped the subject one day. He actually started bringing up the subject of marriage himself and I would shut him down and tell him why it was no longer for discussion.
3 or 4 months later he proposed because he realised he wanted to (I had pushed for it for 2 years previously). He actually wanted to get married that same year, but we had an unplanned pregnancy and I would rather wait now until baby is here before we get married.

He's telling you that he will do it when he's ready, not that he'll never do it.

felulageller · 01/01/2022 18:56

He doesnt love you.

You should seriously consider your options as becoming a single mum with potentially a vicious ex as baggage forever will make ever getting married and having a happy home life oh so much more difficult.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 01/01/2022 18:56

@TooWicked

Well for starters…

Give the child your surname, not his.

Don’t quit work.

Tell him he’ll be paying half the childcare costs and he will need to do 50% of the nursery drop offs, pick ups, take time off work if your child is sick, etc.

Again... Do this...

Should concentrate his mind..

emsmar · 01/01/2022 18:56

@Horst

Sounds like he doesn’t want marriage. Don’t give the baby his last name, don’t give up work. Make sure he pays his fair share of all child related costs.
Absolutely
BoodleBug51 · 01/01/2022 18:58

What a horrid thing to be dealing with in early pregnancy OP.

Try to stay calm tonight - do something to distract yourself from his absence.

Flowers
HippeePrincess · 01/01/2022 19:06

As joint home owners and the higher earner I don't see the benefit in marriage for you OP. I wont be getting married again to protect my assets.

heelforheelandtoefortoe · 01/01/2022 19:08

I think things are happening a bit too fast. You've been together only 18 months, share a car already, and pregnant already too. I assume you already live together too? All way too fast.

I was engaged after 4 years, married after another 3.

Most people I know get engaged after 2 or 3 years, then married, then baby. That may sound traditional or old fashioned but you are definitely moving too fast so I sympathise with him.

Original poster
bluenewyear23 · 01/01/2022 19:10

No we've been together for 4 years, been discussing getting engaged 'soon' for 1.5.

OP posts:
Kylereese · 01/01/2022 19:10

He’s strung you along to keep you sweet, now you’re pregnant he can show his true feelings as he’s got you trapped now. Why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free.

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