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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being obese affects your friendships

245 replies

Shockedmama · 01/01/2022 07:15

Interested to see if this is true for others?
Does being obese affect friendships? Is less sociable, thinking people don’t want to be friends with you, seen with you?
Less physically able?

Interested to hear from people who are not obese too ?

OP posts:
SusannaQueen · 01/01/2022 16:24

I notice that after a very vague first post the op has not been back at all. When that happens it always makes me wonder what their motivation was?

Maybe she was lead in bed pondering this morning, has got up and gone on with her day and will return later tonight, unaware of the debate she has generated Grin... Or maybe not!

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 01/01/2022 16:30

@SusannaQueen I suspect that the OP knew fine well that this would be somewhat robust and controversial debate. She/He/They have a long enough posting history to see how it pans out. Hmm

Bluesarestillblue · 01/01/2022 16:44

@Thatldo. Hmmm.. I disagree.

I’m obese (size 16-18) and only have one friend who is similar. The rest of my friends tend to range from a size 6 to 12. Never felt any judging from them

Original poster
Shockedmama · 01/01/2022 16:47

@FanciedChange

I have an inlaw who is morbidly obese and it affects everything. I agree with PPs who say it's more about the degree of obesity. My inlaw can't go to the cinema because of the chair arms, has to call up venues in advance to check how wide the chairs are/if they have arms, can't walk very far, can't stand for too long etc etc. It means socialising is sort of limited to, as a PP said, sitting on the sofa and eating. Her life is very restricted but she does have friends. In my experience it is a bit like being friends with someone who is disabled (I guess she is actually disabled by her weight). The difference is that it is seen by others as self inflicted so some people aren't very understanding of the accommodations that need to be made for her. I also know people who have said they would be embarrassed to be seen with her socially.
I have always thought it is like living with a disability but like you say people think it’s all your own fault anyway
OP posts:
Original poster
Shockedmama · 01/01/2022 16:50

@SusannaQueen

I notice that after a very vague first post the op has not been back at all. When that happens it always makes me wonder what their motivation was?

Maybe she was lead in bed pondering this morning, has got up and gone on with her day and will return later tonight, unaware of the debate she has generated Grin... Or maybe not!

lol it’s exactly that! I’m just trying to think what else it could possibly be! lol some comments have been removed.

In the last ten years iv put ona. Lot of weight and am now 21 stone.
I feel I have no friends or social life and I always did before. I struggle to maintain friendships right now and wondered if losing weight helps with this

OP posts:
Bluesarestillblue · 01/01/2022 16:53

@Shockedmama maybe getting out and about for walks will help you feel a bit better about yourself and help make the first move towards a friendship.

Bluesarestillblue · 01/01/2022 16:54

Fuck me. Some mumsnet members are right fat phobic

cushioncovers · 01/01/2022 16:55

Im the obese friend and I don't feel it affects my friendships at all.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 01/01/2022 16:59

@Bluesarestillblue

Fuck me. Some mumsnet members are right fat phobic
You only need to have been here a couple of months to see how these threads go. Anyone over 13 stone (as declared on this thread) brings out the frothers and pearl clutchers and hard of thinking. Usually the same people doing all three things together Grin
SusannaQueen · 01/01/2022 17:01

I struggle to maintain friendships right now and wondered if losing weight helps with this

I think it will be proportional to how much your weight gain affects you. If it is limiting your choice of activities and affecting your self confidence, then it may cause problems with relationships. But if you are able to do a wide range of things, then maybe there's other factors at play.

Original poster
Shockedmama · 01/01/2022 17:03

For reference I’m not taking about being a bit on the bigger side I’m taking about over 20 stone where you can’t see my waist anymore. I do go for walks but tend to avoid as I slow them down pant so much I can’t talk I just feel embarrassed of myself and feel like they don’t want to be seen with me. I had a group of friends and we all fell apart they have kind of split and I no longer feel apart of either side anymore they dont contact me invite me anywhere. They are all nice weights etc
I also just don’t feel popular though wanted at all
I would like to join netball but I’m too fat.
Thinking of doing netball or Cambridge

OP posts:
wheresmymojo · 01/01/2022 17:08

I'm morbidly obese...size 22.

It doesn't affect my friendships.

It's interesting that everyone on the thread assumes it means I won't have good levels of self-esteem or confidence.

I'm actually very confident with high levels of self-esteem.

I've been everything from a size 10 to size 22. The only difference it makes is that I don't get sexually harassed all the time which is great!

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 01/01/2022 17:11

@Shockedmama if you wanted to go that way, you will probably qualify for the funded 12 weeks at Slimming World, to give you a head start, should you wish.

wheresmymojo · 01/01/2022 17:11

I have to say that even though I count as morbidly obese I'm still physically able to do most things.

I'd probably give going on a hike a swerve if it was hilly but that's it.

I do outdoor swimming in the summer and love going for a walk. Don't have issues fitting in chairs or anything like that.

NerrSnerr · 01/01/2022 17:12

@wheresmymojo reading through the thread most people talking about self esteem are talking about themselves. I have put 3 stone on in the last couple of years and it has massively affected my self esteem- that doesn't mean that other overweight people feel the same but the OP asked and people gave honest answers.

TinselTottyTart · 01/01/2022 17:13

@Shockedmama

I would try a water fitness class. I have been to them and most people are big or elderly. I got a cossie on landsend. If you're not working try volunteering, most peoole are kind in the charity shops. I am thinking of having wls but i am lucky I have a good group of friends.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 01/01/2022 17:13

And some people gave very judgey answers, not from a position of truth, but psychological projection Hmm

MarleneDietrichsSmile · 01/01/2022 17:14

I have a couple of obese friends, who do the same sport as me, are active and successful in their jobs and lives, and seem happy about life and themselves.

So I have never thought they were in any way affected by their weight

We've never talked about it, tbf

I think you have to get to very serious levels of obesity for it to affect you in your daily life

ldontWanna · 01/01/2022 17:17

@wheresmymojo

I'm morbidly obese...size 22.

It doesn't affect my friendships.

It's interesting that everyone on the thread assumes it means I won't have good levels of self-esteem or confidence.

I'm actually very confident with high levels of self-esteem.

I've been everything from a size 10 to size 22. The only difference it makes is that I don't get sexually harassed all the time which is great!

That's because quite a few posters have mentioned they do struggle with their self esteem, and most threads about weight loss mention that as well. So much so, that sometimes is their lack of self esteem that stops them doing things rather than their actual weight.

I'm more like you, and definitely don't avoid spas, beaches, swimming etc but that isn't really the norm tbh.

Snowisfalling33 · 01/01/2022 17:20

*In the last ten years iv put ona. Lot of weight and am now 21 stone.
I feel I have no friends or social life and I always did before. I struggle to maintain friendships right now and wondered if losing weight helps with

I'm similar to you then in a lot of ways* @Shockedmama

What I've come to realise is that the weight and the social confidence go hand in hand. So yes your weight is probably affecting your ability to socialise but also your self-esteem and confidence are impacting on your weight. So if somebody magicked you slim overnight, without tackling the root cause you'd be back to square 1 in a year.
I think getting to a very high weight like this is a sign that something else is happening for you mentally and emotionally and this needs to be tackled alongside the "eat less, move more" type weight loss message.

Snowisfalling33 · 01/01/2022 17:22

@wheresmymojo

I'm morbidly obese...size 22.

It doesn't affect my friendships.

It's interesting that everyone on the thread assumes it means I won't have good levels of self-esteem or confidence.

I'm actually very confident with high levels of self-esteem.

I've been everything from a size 10 to size 22. The only difference it makes is that I don't get sexually harassed all the time which is great!

They're not assuming it about you, more noticing that it seems to be a common feature in many people who are severely overweight. I know a few people who are larger but very confident and happy and that's lovely to see.
StrifeOfBath · 01/01/2022 17:26

I’m just trying to think what else it could possibly be! lol some comments have been removed

OP: there was a lot of troll hunting / assuming you were a journalist. People being clever….. without having the wit to do a quick search in your username before making ….clever people… of themselves Wink

Others think their disingenuousness is invisible, too.

immersivereader · 01/01/2022 17:27

At a size 14, women love me. Easy to make friends, sympathetic nods to why I say. Men are indifferent to me.

At a size 10, men love me, women hate me and seem to think I'm just after their husband. No nods whatsoever.

NerrSnerr · 01/01/2022 17:41

@immersivereader

At a size 14, women love me. Easy to make friends, sympathetic nods to why I say. Men are indifferent to me.

At a size 10, men love me, women hate me and seem to think I'm just after their husband. No nods whatsoever.

You need to get better friends if your existing friends hate you if you drop 2 dress sizes. I have been between size 8 and 14 and my friends love me all the same whatever size I am.
Original poster
Shockedmama · 01/01/2022 17:46

@StrifeOfBath

I’m just trying to think what else it could possibly be! lol some comments have been removed

OP: there was a lot of troll hunting / assuming you were a journalist. People being clever….. without having the wit to do a quick search in your username before making ….clever people… of themselves Wink

Others think their disingenuousness is invisible, too.

Oh I see! No just me in my frazzled brain trying to find reason’s 🤣 I think weight loss would help my confidence x
OP posts: