Page 10 | Being obese affects your friendships

Shockedmama · 2022-01-01T07:15:40+00:00

Interested to see if this is true for others? Does being obese affect friendships? Is less sociable, thinking people don’t want to be friends with you, seen with you? Less physically able? Interested to hear from people who are not obese too ?

whoamiwhoami · 01/01/2022 18:24

@Shockedmama

I really resonate with your post. I feel the same way as you,
My weight definitely affects my friendships. I avoid doing things where I know I might feel uncomfortable (walks/posh restaurants/anywhere with stairs!) which means I will often decline invites to these sorts of things. I was so worried about fitting into a plane seat on a girls weekend away, that I faked an illness and didn't do. People stop asking after a while.

I previously lost lots if weight (9 stone in a short period of time) and it was astounding at how differently people treat you. These are work colleagues who had known me for a long time but they were suddenly very nice to me.
Thin privilege is a thing- thin people are treated better as most people are fatphobic, whether they admit it or not.

Original poster

Shockedmama · 01/01/2022 18:30

[quote whoamiwhoami]@Shockedmama

I really resonate with your post. I feel the same way as you,
My weight definitely affects my friendships. I avoid doing things where I know I might feel uncomfortable (walks/posh restaurants/anywhere with stairs!) which means I will often decline invites to these sorts of things. I was so worried about fitting into a plane seat on a girls weekend away, that I faked an illness and didn't do. People stop asking after a while.

I previously lost lots if weight (9 stone in a short period of time) and it was astounding at how differently people treat you. These are work colleagues who had known me for a long time but they were suddenly very nice to me.
Thin privilege is a thing- thin people are treated better as most people are fatphobic, whether they admit it or not.[/quote]
I so agree. I can see looks on peoples faces at certain things and I feel that people don’t want me in their picture perfect social media pics etc
I have noticed when people lose weight they go up in peoples estimation
I’m the same I have cancelled so much with various excuses it automatically puts a wall up in the friendships

OP posts:

GreyTS · 01/01/2022 20:26

@Excitedforthefuture

Opposite here

Very skinny
Loves running and being active
Hardly drinks

I have a group of very close (wonderful) friends that are overweight (not obese) but don’t like being active, drink a lot and enjoy very rich foods. I find myself distancing myself from them and yet at the same time, feeling sad that they too are distancing themselves from me

I don't get this, I'm super into fitness and eating healthily, like literally don't have a single jar of pre made anything in my cupboards, don't go a day without the gym or running but I have friends that drink too much, smoke too much, eat too much and even take class A's, sure they aren't out in the woods with me at 8am but they are in the pub with me when I also drink too much and eat a big dirty pizza or 4 course dinner, what the hell is the point of life if you can't do these things

Excitedforthefuture · 01/01/2022 20:34

I don’t like drinking
And I don’t like food like pizza
It’s bit about not enjoying the good things In life
I don’t enjoy those things so to me they’re not “the good thing in life”

So all I’m saying is, that over the years drinking and eating has become the mainstay of this particular group of friends
And so I’ve distanced myself and gravitated more to friends where we enjoy going for a run and then a coffee together for example

TenLittleDinos · 01/01/2022 20:39

@Excitedforthefuture

I don’t like drinking And I don’t like food like pizza It’s bit about not enjoying the good things In life I don’t enjoy those things so to me they’re not “the good thing in life”

So all I’m saying is, that over the years drinking and eating has become the mainstay of this particular group of friends
And so I’ve distanced myself and gravitated more to friends where we enjoy going for a run and then a coffee together for example

I love running. I love sushi. I like good wine but otherwise not a big drinker. I don’t eat pizza. I love going for hikes and stopping off for a coffee in a nice coffee shop. My hobby is cold water swimming. I’m obese.

hamstersarse · 01/01/2022 20:47

I have a morbidly obese friend and it’s limiting. I am very active and she can’t come on walks, bike rides, swims, even lots of entertainment venues like theatres.

It doesn’t really impact our friendship, we just do things she can do. This may sound awful but it’s the only thing I can compare it to - it’s like having a disabled friend. Some places are accessible, many not. We can still have some fun.

DwangelaForever · 01/01/2022 20:53

I'm hoping to go back to uni to do midwifery/nursing. I'm doing an access course and also trying to lose weight cause I genuinely feel that I won't be taken serious at the weight I currently am lol. Why am I like this!

Excitedforthefuture · 01/01/2022 20:55

If you love running and going for hikes

Your “obesity” really must be on the mild end of the spectrum!

SusannaQueen · 01/01/2022 20:57

sure they aren't out in the woods with me at 8am but they are in the pub with me when I also drink too much and eat a big dirty pizza or 4 course dinner, what the hell is the point of life if you can't do these things confused

The problem comes when it's all friends want to do. I don't mind a dirty great pizza now and again, I don't drink a lot as the menopause has ruined wine for me. But when every outing is coffee and cake or the pub, it's a bit boring. After being obese I work hard at staying healthy, I dont want to consume calories just to have someone's company. Also because this is all DH wants to do, then I don't want to spend the rest of my free time doing it with friends.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 01/01/2022 20:58

@Excitedforthefuture

If you love running and going for hikes

Your “obesity” really must be on the mild end of the spectrum!

Well yeah that's the point some have made You can be obese with a BMI of 30 but that level of extra body fat doesn't impact on mobility or capacity. It's not debilitating and it doesn't prevent exercising.

Boobahs · 01/01/2022 21:03

In my experience, yes it does. I'm morbidly obese and don't have any close friends at all. This is partly due to other reasons too (DP not social, older parents so nobody with kids the same age, tight budget so no spare cash, lack of childcare to go out) but I don't think I would want to go out anyway even if these things weren't a problem. I have no nice clothes that fit, struggle to dance or walk too far, I appear confident but have not succeeded in making any friends since my children were born despite doing all the classes and groups. I just think people are not really interested in getting to know me, and many of them look down at me too. It's sad.

SusannaQueen · 01/01/2022 21:21

You can be obese with a BMI of 30 but that level of extra body fat doesn't impact on mobility or capacity. It's not debilitating and it doesn't prevent exercising.

You can get away with it for so long, but looking at the people I know, their obesity does cause problems as they age. DH even got his Covid jabs earlier as his weight put him at risk. I don't know any 55+ people who are seriously overweight and very active. I play a sport, which I played when I was obese, it was the constant injuries and the reliance on painkillers after every match that really forced me to diet. I'm 52 now, I was in my mid forties when things started to go tits up.
DH is morbidly obese now, but for a long time when he was significantly overweight, he was stronger and fitter than me. But his blood pressure started to climb, and he started to get joint trouble and water retention, again in his mid forties.

I know we should be body positive regardless of size, but really for health reasons if you can manage to loose weight you should. It's not easy and can be a bit of a lifelong project to keep it off, but there are so many benefits.

Gastricbland · 01/01/2022 21:39

[quote TinselTottyTart]@LadyAddle

I have RA and my disease attacked my eyes. Hence 12 weeks of steriods. I have had RA for nearly 19 years. Curvy 14/16 prior to that but I am 6ft and an ex athlete. Fat doesn't sit well on muscle. My doctor suggested I have a band to reduce my risk of diabetes. If I develop it I will go blind. Do I eat much? Yes like a horse, always even at a size 8. The differnce is i cant swim or run anymore and fall over quite alot which l recently did at work and was horrendously embarrassed . I did put a chat question up about successful gastric bands but no one has responded so I guess not a MN demographic.[/quote]
I did an AMA about having a gastric band come on over and I can tell you about it.

I have never regretted weight loss surgery. It did change friendship dynamics as I wasn't the fat/funny one anymore. Sad but true.

TenLittleDinos · 01/01/2022 21:45

@Excitedforthefuture

If you love running and going for hikes

Your “obesity” really must be on the mild end of the spectrum!

I have a BMI of 30. I’m obese. That’s the point.

DrSbaitso · 01/01/2022 21:49

Is there really this "fat/funny" stereotype still? Thinking of my friends who have long term weight problems, I love them all and I think they have great senses of humour, but I wouldn't say they're objectively "funnier" than anyone else. Surely you don't lose a sense of humour just because you lose weight?

DrSbaitso · 01/01/2022 21:52

BMI of 30, the definition of obesity, doesn't look like most people think it looks. Most people imagine only morbid obesity.

JustLyra · 01/01/2022 21:57

I have noticed when people lose weight they go up in peoples estimation

In my experience that only goes so far. Strangers absolutely treat me better and respect my opinion more now. Friends/family it’s different.

I’ve lost between 8 and 9 stones (I don’t regularly weigh myself anymore, I go by my clothes).

When I lost 1-3 stone everyone was delighted for me.

When I lost a little more a couple of people seemed a bit annoyed by my success and would comment how many people can’t keep weight off.

In the last year several have got outright bitchy. I couldn’t eat or drink anything while out with a certain group of friends without snide remarks. One woman kicked off when her husband and I planned a hobby related trip that we’d done every year for the last dozen years. And two of the guys were at great pains to point out they still didn’t want to fuck me even though I wasn’t fat (I’ve been married over a decade and showed zero interest in either)

I’ve walked away from the entire group - I was very clearly the designated fat one and stepping outside my station wasn’t popular.

pictish · 01/01/2022 21:57

@SusannaQueen

You can be obese with a BMI of 30 but that level of extra body fat doesn't impact on mobility or capacity. It's not debilitating and it doesn't prevent exercising.

You can get away with it for so long, but looking at the people I know, their obesity does cause problems as they age. DH even got his Covid jabs earlier as his weight put him at risk. I don't know any 55+ people who are seriously overweight and very active. I play a sport, which I played when I was obese, it was the constant injuries and the reliance on painkillers after every match that really forced me to diet. I'm 52 now, I was in my mid forties when things started to go tits up.
DH is morbidly obese now, but for a long time when he was significantly overweight, he was stronger and fitter than me. But his blood pressure started to climb, and he started to get joint trouble and water retention, again in his mid forties.

I know we should be body positive regardless of size, but really for health reasons if you can manage to loose weight you should. It's not easy and can be a bit of a lifelong project to keep it off, but there are so many benefits.

I do agree with this too. I lost weight as I was terrified by the very real possibility that I would end up ill and old before my time if I didn’t. My middle child has a diagnosis of ASD and at the time I wondered what use I would be to him in the future if I died of a heart attack at 55 because I was so overweight.

I’ve maintained a healthy weight now for four years…it does take work and commitment to regular exercise and a good diet. I’ve put on about 5lbs throughout December which is fine because I know I’ll soon lose it, eating sensibly and keeping up the running. This is important to me…it’s not about my looks, it’s about my health, particularly now I’m in my 40s. I know being slim doesn’t guarantee a single thing…but whatever my fate, at least I won’t put it down to being obese.

TenLittleDinos · 01/01/2022 22:09

@SusannaQueen

You can be obese with a BMI of 30 but that level of extra body fat doesn't impact on mobility or capacity. It's not debilitating and it doesn't prevent exercising.

You can get away with it for so long, but looking at the people I know, their obesity does cause problems as they age. DH even got his Covid jabs earlier as his weight put him at risk. I don't know any 55+ people who are seriously overweight and very active. I play a sport, which I played when I was obese, it was the constant injuries and the reliance on painkillers after every match that really forced me to diet. I'm 52 now, I was in my mid forties when things started to go tits up.
DH is morbidly obese now, but for a long time when he was significantly overweight, he was stronger and fitter than me. But his blood pressure started to climb, and he started to get joint trouble and water retention, again in his mid forties.

I know we should be body positive regardless of size, but really for health reasons if you can manage to loose weight you should. It's not easy and can be a bit of a lifelong project to keep it off, but there are so many benefits.

Yes you’re right. With the medication I’m on, that’s my reality as my health issue isn’t going away. That’s why I do my 3 5km runs a week, hiking, swimming, low carb etc… it’s the best I can do within the limitations I have. Without those things, I’d be far more obese than I am. My obesity may kill me in 20 years, but within the medication that causes my obesity I’d be dead far earlier than that. In the meantime I console myself that I’m far fitter and more active than many of my slimmer friends.

WaitingForSunshineAndDaisies · 05/01/2022 07:56

I'm just tipping over the 'morbidly obese' category, and have been that way most of my life, but I've always had good friends in every area of my life. I'm fairly active though and would be fine walking around for hours or going up stairs, though cycling or running might be pushing it.

I used to go swimming with one friend though, and to water aerobics with another, and I'm generally much more active than my (very slim) DH, do at least 10,000 steps a day etc. I'm in my 50s.