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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Being obese affects your friendships

245 replies

Shockedmama · 01/01/2022 07:15

Interested to see if this is true for others?
Does being obese affect friendships? Is less sociable, thinking people don’t want to be friends with you, seen with you?
Less physically able?

Interested to hear from people who are not obese too ?

OP posts:
TenLittleDinos · 01/01/2022 14:31

rather then blame other people for their low self esteem

You keep saying that, but who is blaming others for their low self esteem? People are acknowledging that the low self esteem is down to them, not their friends. Then we get accused of ‘screaming abuse’? 😂
As I said in my initial post, my low self esteem is my fault and is due to my weight. I had high self esteem as a side 8 until 2 years ago, when I developed a serious health condition and put on 3 stone. I exercise daily to keep my weight as low as I can, avoid carbs, count calories, run 5k 3 times a week, but I have self esteem issues due to my weight. Which is my fault.

Thatldo · 01/01/2022 14:32

@SarahJessicaParker1.I think,if I would have said 13 stone, I would be told,that 13 stone is a perfectly healthy weight.of course you are right,13 stone is very overweight.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 01/01/2022 14:32

@Shockedmama you've dropped the F bomb, then run off. I know you have a posting history, or I would think there was an ulterior motive. Are you getting anything from this thread? I'm wondering why you posted, if you aren't going to comment further? Hmm

SarahJessicaParker1 · 01/01/2022 14:32

[quote Thatldo]@SarahJessicaParker1.I think,if I would have said 13 stone, I would be told,that 13 stone is a perfectly healthy weight.of course you are right,13 stone is very overweight.[/quote]
But not if you're 5'11!

XenoBitch · 01/01/2022 14:33

All of my friends are obese too, so it is not something that really has any impact on our relationship with eachother.

NerrSnerr · 01/01/2022 14:34

I am 5ft-1 and obese at 12 stone. My friends don't care and are a range of sizes but it affects my self esteem as I was always slimmer. I hate going out as I can't find clothes that feed good as I am like a beach ball with arms, legs and a head. Nothing to do with them, it's all about me.

Thatldo · 01/01/2022 14:35

@TenLittleDinos

rather then blame other people for their low self esteem

You keep saying that, but who is blaming others for their low self esteem? People are acknowledging that the low self esteem is down to them, not their friends. Then we get accused of ‘screaming abuse’? 😂
As I said in my initial post, my low self esteem is my fault and is due to my weight. I had high self esteem as a side 8 until 2 years ago, when I developed a serious health condition and put on 3 stone. I exercise daily to keep my weight as low as I can, avoid carbs, count calories, run 5k 3 times a week, but I have self esteem issues due to my weight. Which is my fault.

You are one of the few people,who doesnt blame other people.If you read most threads here on MN with weight issues,its all about those horrible skinny people who spoil their life.I didnt mean you personally scream,I meant you in plural form.sorry,english not my mother language.
BatshitBanshee · 01/01/2022 14:36

Never noticed it when I was heavier, but when I un-obese-d myself I noticed a lot of dynamics changed with single friends because I was no longer the "fat but funny" friend and was instead competition Hmm I moved on from the "friendships" fairly fast.

SarahJessicaParker1 · 01/01/2022 14:38

@BatshitBanshee

Never noticed it when I was heavier, but when I un-obese-d myself I noticed a lot of dynamics changed with single friends because I was no longer the "fat but funny" friend and was instead competition Hmm I moved on from the "friendships" fairly fast.
I've heard of this.

I haven't been obese before, but I do think I had something a little bit like this when I lost a lot of weight. Some people didn't like it. I was always the big one (tall and broad) and think they were happier with me being chunkier! My own sister was pretty mean about my appearance actually. In fairness, I was underweight and probably didn't look amazing, but still

CaptainCabinets · 01/01/2022 14:42

Yes. I work with someone who has been so cold to me for the past 2 years. I lose a considerable amount of weight and like magic, she’s my best mate.

Lots of people are fatphobic, whether subconsciously or not.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 01/01/2022 14:43

*Thatldo

@SarahJessicaParker1.I think,if I would have said 13 stone, I would be told,that 13 stone is a perfectly healthy weight.of course you are right,13 stone is very overweight*

But not if you're 5'11!

Sarah, don't you know, some lots of people on MN have no concept of some people being 5 ft and a fag end, or being 5'10.If they spent the time they had used being judgey on MN to look at BMI and height, they would realise it makes quite a difference Tis hard of thinking, surely? Hmm Grin

SarahJessicaParker1 · 01/01/2022 14:46

@SpongeBobJudgeyPants

*Thatldo

@SarahJessicaParker1.I think,if I would have said 13 stone, I would be told,that 13 stone is a perfectly healthy weight.of course you are right,13 stone is very overweight*

But not if you're 5'11!

Sarah, don't you know, some lots of people on MN have no concept of some people being 5 ft and a fag end, or being 5'10.If they spent the time they had used being judgey on MN to look at BMI and height, they would realise it makes quite a difference Tis hard of thinking, surely? Hmm Grin

Much hard of thinking on full display on here, yes
TinselTottyTart · 01/01/2022 14:48

@LadyAddle

I have RA and my disease attacked my eyes. Hence 12 weeks of steriods. I have had RA for nearly 19 years. Curvy 14/16 prior to that but I am 6ft and an ex athlete. Fat doesn't sit well on muscle. My doctor suggested I have a band to reduce my risk of diabetes. If I develop it I will go blind. Do I eat much? Yes like a horse, always even at a size 8. The differnce is i cant swim or run anymore and fall over quite alot which l recently did at work and was horrendously embarrassed . I did put a chat question up about successful gastric bands but no one has responded so I guess not a MN demographic.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 01/01/2022 14:49

@SarahJessicaParker1Yes, for a bunch of educated women Sad Also, some "Well, I'm not overweight, so I'm superior to anyone who is 13 stone or above." Hmm

SarahJessicaParker1 · 01/01/2022 14:51

Do you know though, people who have strong prejudices about people they see as different and therefore inferior to themselves, are just not to be argued with really. I don't know why I engage tbh!

FlowersBrewSmile

@TinselTottyTart, I hope someone helps eith your gastric band question! Will try and find it and bump it for you

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 01/01/2022 14:55

"Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty, and the pig enjoys it" Grin

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 01/01/2022 14:55

@TinselTottyTart I have sent you a pm of an MNer who knows about this stuff.

Deux · 01/01/2022 14:58

@SarahJessicaParker1

The gent with the before and after pics- his after pics are bmi of 30

All the women are classed as obese

I mean, maybe you will say all of these photos are "disengenuous", but I'm not really sure what to say to you... We may just have to agree to disagree

Those women are clearly all obese and the photo illustrates that. It’s easy to tell when you see a side view and see their mid section and waist/hip ratio.
TenLittleDinos · 01/01/2022 15:00

I agree they’re all clearly obese… as am I with a BMI of 30. The point though was that it’s not generally a weight that means you’re effected massively in every day life. With a BMI of 30 I run 5km’s 3 times a week, go to Pilates, go on 6 mile hikes etc. People seem to assume that if you’re ‘obese’ you can barely walk without getting out of breath.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 01/01/2022 15:02

@TenLittleDinos

I agree they’re all clearly obese… as am I with a BMI of 30. The point though was that it’s not generally a weight that means you’re effected massively in every day life. With a BMI of 30 I run 5km’s 3 times a week, go to Pilates, go on 6 mile hikes etc. People seem to assume that if you’re ‘obese’ you can barely walk without getting out of breath.
Apparently you can just about waddle yourself to the fridge to forage.
R0BYN · 01/01/2022 15:20

@SusannaQueen

My DH is morbidly obese and yes it does affect our relationship and his friendships (a lot). We don't do any physical activities, he won't go on walks or bike rides, anywhere that involves walking or standing. His feet get sore and swell. He constantly has ailments related to his weight. Won't swim either. Really all he will do is go to the pub or restaurants. Yes, it limits his friendships, he is tired all the time, never has any energy to do extra activities that could involve meeting new people.
It was the same with my ex . Once we had kids, everything to do with them was my job as he was too tired. He never once got up with the babies at night because he slept too heavily to hear them.

He couldn’t make breakfast for the toddler or even bring me a cup of water when I was breast feeding because he had to make his own breakfast as soon as he got up in the morning, otherwise his blood sugar would drop too low.

He couldn’t bath the baby as he couldn't bend over to lift then in and out the bath.

He couldn’t change nappies as he had a delicate stomach and it made him feel sick.

He wouldn’t walk any distance so couldn't take the children to the park or play with then in the garden.

If I asked him to watch the baby / toddler for 10 mins while I went to the loo or had a shower , he would sit down in a armchair and fall asleep immediately. So it wasn’t safe.

He wouldn’t go on days out with the kids unless I could drive straight to the door of the venue and park outside. He would sleep the whole way there and back and complain that the children bickering disturbed him . After about an hour at wherever we were he would say he was tired and go back to the car for a sleep.

Our sex life was adequate at first, then poor to non existent. He was either too tired or his physical limitations meant that he was only interested on one position, which didn’t do much for me. He would last about a minute and that was it. 60 seconds later he was snoring beside me.

He ate piles of junk food, despite all my efforts to make healthy meals. As the children became school aged he also bought them junk and thwarted all my attempts to feed then decent food. He turned it into some sort of “ good cop bad cop game “.

As a PP said, the only places he would go with the kids was restaurants, but they didn’t eat proper food because they were used to junk at home. They didn’t behave so he stopped going out with us at all.

When we went on family holidays he couldn’t / wouldn’t do any activities because of his weight. Couldn't kick a ball, wouldn’t swim, wouldn’t go on the beach , take a walk, go 10 pin bowling , do any sports .

The only place he was willing to go with the children was the cinema in the wide seats and he would fall asleep within 5 mins and snore loudly. The children were embarrassed and refused to go back with him.

He was too hot in the summer and in the winter it was too slippy and he might fall. Basically he hated outdoors and would only go from building to car.

So he just stopped coming with us and TBH it was a relief for us all.

I bet you he’d come on here and say that being very obese hasn’t affected his life very much . But it certainly affected me and the kids - our lives and their childhoods were massively affected because everything has to fit around him and he was permanently tired.

Excitedforthefuture · 01/01/2022 15:26

@SusannaQueen

Your DH is obese.
You can be honest because it’s not you…

You say he does no physical exercise at all.

What’s his diet like?

ldontWanna · 01/01/2022 15:44

@R0BYN that's probably more to do with who he is rather than the fat . There are plenty of obese people that are great parents and I bet you'd be hard pressed to find many (any?) obese mothers that completely opted out of parenthood based on their weight.

Like i said I'm fat, even when losing weight I've never been less than overweight, funny how I never suffered from any of those afflictions and I did everything for DD, especially since OH worked away , sometimes for whole weeks.

SusannaQueen · 01/01/2022 15:57

@excitedforthefuture
Your DH is obese.
You can be honest because it’s not you…

You say he does no physical exercise at all.

What’s his diet like?

Not sure what you mean by - you can be honest because it's not you.

His diet is awful. I will make him healthy meals, but then he will help himself to rounds of toast dripping in butter. He drinks beer every night. He gulps his food down so fast that he doesn't feel full. He can't manage exercise as his feet swell and he is exhausted.

@Punfreeusername

Being quite overweight does wonders for my friendship circle, as it gets rid of all the shallow, image obessed , competitive acquaintances.

This is bollocks, as are the disablist claims. It's not about aesthetics, it's about sharing the things you love with a similar minded person. I have a relative in a wheelchair, we still go out 'walking' she is actually more able than my husband.

I think a lot of people are being disingenuous in claiming these threads are fattist, or obese people can still be fit and healthy. Maybe that's the case at 30, but it takes a toll on your body, hit 50 and it starts to show. I also think what a lot of people are describing here isn't the type of obesity the OP is meaning. Size 12-14 isn't it, DH is in size 50" jeans!
DH is on medication now which affects our sex life, he also thinks I have a low sex drive, I don't, it's just the type of sex that he can manage is limited and it's a turn off.
I was obese 6yrs ago, I could feel the toll it was taking on my body, so I dealt with it. I'm not skinny but am now a healthy weight. The difference in my energy levels is phenomenal and I just feel so sad that someone I love so much is struggling and I know how how much better he'd feel if lost weight. I worry every time he has chest pains (and so does he). I worry that he will get diabetes.

Sorry, this was out of the scope of this thread, but some one asked...

Snowisfalling33 · 01/01/2022 16:15

I notice that after a very vague first post the op has not been back at all. When that happens it always makes me wonder what their motivation was?