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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being obese affects your friendships

245 replies

Shockedmama · 01/01/2022 07:15

Interested to see if this is true for others?
Does being obese affect friendships? Is less sociable, thinking people don’t want to be friends with you, seen with you?
Less physically able?

Interested to hear from people who are not obese too ?

OP posts:
pictish · 01/01/2022 10:07

The world IS kinder when you’re slimmer.

I used to be obese…I am now slim and fit. My confidence has soared, in that I am comfortable in my own skin and give no thought to how I am perceived by others. When I was as fat as I was, I felt the weight of other people’s underlying disgust for me. This was rarely expressed outright (although it is true to say I have been subjected to outright abuse) but reflected in peoples attitudes towards me. I was often overlooked, ignored or turned away from. Some people eyes would harden when they looked at me…and I’m not imagining that. It’s something people can’t control and I was sensitive to it.
I now see warmth where there used to be a chill. A lot more men approach me than used to. They are more pleasant, forthcoming and helpful to slim women.

Friendships…yes. Interesting. I have a handful of friend I’ve had for 20 years who knew me then and know me now. I can’t say as those friendships were impacted beyond my own feelings of worthlessness in their far more attractive company.
I’ve never straggled to make friends as I am gregarious and open minded, so I connect with others easily and find common ground quickly. Having said that, I know a lot of people have dismissed me out of hand from the off, owing to my appearance.
However, the interesting part is how I now find some women are less inclined to pal up with me because they are jealous and threatened by my appearance. I am no beauty by any means but I am a fit, athletic size 8 and at 46, slimmer than many women my age. I work in a predominantly female environment with a large staff of women my own age and there are one or two influential ones who do not like the space I occupy by being an unwitting rival in the style and beauty stakes. They are pretty unpleasant to me overall. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t give a shit…but I know they’d prefer me to be less colourful, well dressed and confident. They wouldn’t give me a second thought if I was fat.

Just my experience.

Belledan1 · 01/01/2022 10:07

I am ok with close friends but have missed out on meeting old work friends or reunions with say people I have not seen for ages as I feel too fat to go and think people will judge how bigger I am. They probably wldnt and when I did make sure I went to one a few people had put weight on too but I still a avoid things.

WorraLiberty · 01/01/2022 10:16

My best friend of nearly 40 years is morbidly obese and it's never affected our friendship.

It's prevented us doing some things together at times, but so does us getting older, and that (hopefully) happens to us all.

Chunkymenrock · 01/01/2022 10:21

Yabu.

ViceLikeBlip · 01/01/2022 10:23

More than a quarter of UK adults is obese- it surely can't affect all our friendships!!

My gut feeling is that personality impacts friendships more than weight 🤷‍♀️

TenLittleDinos · 01/01/2022 10:26

@ViceLikeBlip

More than a quarter of UK adults is obese- it surely can't affect all our friendships!!

My gut feeling is that personality impacts friendships more than weight 🤷‍♀️

To some extent, but it’s not as simple as that. My friendships have suffered since I became obese… it can’t be down to personality as my personality is the same as it always was! It is, however, massively related to my confidence.
DaisyStPatience · 01/01/2022 10:27

I probably wouldn't be friends with a very fat person.

TheGreatATuin · 01/01/2022 10:28

I think if you are obese, some people do overlook you, definitely. They'll have stereotypical ideas about obese people or just not really notice them because they only want the attention of people that fit their idea of 'cool'.
But that's no great loss. All it means is that those shallower people automatically self-exclude from your life.

Gertie75 · 01/01/2022 10:30

I'm currently obese having gained 4 stone in just over a year, my friendships have been affected by the fact I've turned down a lot of invitations as I feel so self conscious and don't want to buy lots of new clothes so am washing and wearing the same few things.
I don't think my friends opinion of me has changed my my behaviour is definitely affected by my weight.

I'm having blood tests to check thyroid and few other things on Friday as I haven't been overeating and have a few other issues which point strongly towards hypothyroidism so I'm hoping to be back to my normal self for summer.

Wilburisagirl · 01/01/2022 10:30

I've had three friends who would be considered obese. With one, it definitely affected the friendship. She was very self conscious about her weight but made herself feel better by being bitchy and picking on other people's appearances eg "you ARE going to pluck your eyebrows before we go out tonight aren't you?" I felt like I always had to watch my back with her. She even tried to stir up trouble with my now husband years ago by greatly embellishing and outright lying about some things from our younger wilder days. Luckily neither he or I took the bait. She might have been like this even if not obese, but I always had the sense that her weight and lack of confidence were strongly linked and the lack of confidence drove her desire to make others feel bad.

The second was conscious of of her weight and talked about it but owned it, dressed beautifully and knew her personal style and was a supportive and fun friend. Didn't affect things at all.

The third is a recent friend. It does affect some things eg. She can't become my running partner, but she is such a fun, kind and thoughtful friend that it is just a total non-issue.

WorraLiberty · 01/01/2022 10:30

@Punfreeusername

Being quite overweight does wonders for my friendship circle, as it gets rid of all the shallow, image obessed , competitive acquaintances.
You don't have to be slim to be shallow and image obsessed though.

Gemma Collins anyone?

Frazzledfiona · 01/01/2022 10:31

I'm 7/8 stones overweight. I am now at the stage where my life is affected alot. Get tired easily, aches and pains, can't fit onto rides at theme parks for example.
I only have one friend who is the same size as me, so our friendship is not affected in any way.
But for example if I was invited to a spa day by someone I would say no. If my child was invited to a swimming party where I would have to get into the water I would say no. It does affect many many things in my life and I hate it. I'm hoping 2022 will be a better year for me as I plan on losing a lot of weight and improving my level of activity.
Ten years ago I used to be a size 8 to 10. But I absolutely hated exercise even then so I will never be the type of person who goes to a gym etc

TenLittleDinos · 01/01/2022 10:31

@DaisyStPatience

I probably wouldn't be friends with a very fat person.
And this sort of comment is why obese people lose their confidence with friendships. I’m exactly the same person I was when I was thin (I was a size 8 until 2 years ago) but a health issue and medication has changed that. It hasn’t changed my personality though. But any confidence is knocked, which means I often turn down invitations and have distanced myself from my friends.
Butchyrestingface · 01/01/2022 10:32

I’ve not been obese but going from a 12-14 dress size to a 10 affected my friendships. That really identified those who were happy for me and those who had their own hang ups and would rather keep me as the podgy one in the group.

12-14 is 'podgy'? Christ.

Good job you missed the 'squishy' size 8 thread t'other day. Xmas Grin

Butchyrestingface · 01/01/2022 10:33

@DaisyStPatience

I probably wouldn't be friends with a very fat person.
Why not?
Excitedforthefuture · 01/01/2022 10:34

Opposite here

Very skinny
Loves running and being active
Hardly drinks

I have a group of very close (wonderful) friends that are overweight (not obese) but don’t like being active, drink a lot and enjoy very rich foods. I find myself distancing myself from them and yet at the same time, feeling sad that they too are distancing themselves from me

honeylemonteaforme · 01/01/2022 10:35

Why do people fall for these threads? Goady question from the OP and no further input

Dellarobia · 01/01/2022 10:39

@MsWalterMitty

I think my idea of being fit and active is different to others on here.
@MsWalterMitty I have been obese in the past, and was obese when I ran a half marathon in under two and a half hours. I'm not claiming that's super fast, but I think fast enough to be described as fit and active?
PurpleDaisies · 01/01/2022 10:40

@Excitedforthefuture

Opposite here

Very skinny
Loves running and being active
Hardly drinks

I have a group of very close (wonderful) friends that are overweight (not obese) but don’t like being active, drink a lot and enjoy very rich foods. I find myself distancing myself from them and yet at the same time, feeling sad that they too are distancing themselves from me

Why are you distancing yourself from them?
user1471462428 · 01/01/2022 10:40

My ex became morbidly obese during the time we were together (14 ish years). I could see his friends distancing themselves but I think it was largely to do with how lazy he had become. He was always tired and very grumpy and not the joyful person he used to be which is incredibly sad. Friends who had seen him over lockdown were incredibly worried by the state of his health and demeanour, which I guess shows they were good friends.

pictish · 01/01/2022 10:43

None of my friends are my running partner, fat or not. I have one but she lives an hour away. No one in my local circles runs…and certainly not hill or trail as I do. I would like a local run pal. I don’t want to join a group or anything but do sometimes wish one of mine was up for the slog.

I do know a couple of bigger women at work who run though…it’s not always an indication of physical fitness or motivation, though most people assume it is and make a judgement about, even if they’re unfit as shit themselves.

Mamamovingnorth · 01/01/2022 10:44

I have gained weight since having a child and dealing with PND. At the same time all my close circle have gotten into running and CrossFit and are very very slim and active. I do avoid meeting in groups because I feel such a failure.

pictish · 01/01/2022 10:44

@honeylemonteaforme

Why do people fall for these threads? Goady question from the OP and no further input
Because it’s an interesting discussion point? No one cares who the OP is.
WorraLiberty · 01/01/2022 10:45

@Excitedforthefuture

Opposite here

Very skinny
Loves running and being active
Hardly drinks

I have a group of very close (wonderful) friends that are overweight (not obese) but don’t like being active, drink a lot and enjoy very rich foods. I find myself distancing myself from them and yet at the same time, feeling sad that they too are distancing themselves from me

You don't say why though?

Surely it's not because they like different things?

I thought that was pretty normal in most relationships?

DrSbaitso · 01/01/2022 10:46

I had a Zumba instructor once who was a bit chunky, but could do an entire day of Zumbathon, as well as cartwheels and the splits.