What is the problem with the phrase 'Be Kind?'

[Fatandfifty49]

To me, it means think of others, consider their feelings. Don't be an arsehole under the guise of 'saying it how it is', 'telling the truth', 'not mincing your words.'

Largely, I think it is something very positive that has come out of the COVID pandemic and was often used in the context of how essential workers should be treated. It is absolutely a change for the better that I have personally witnessed.

It is a phrase that is used to say 'it is not OK to abuse me because you are having a bad day' and empowering for those who want to take ownership of their own wellbeing as well as that of others.

What do you all think?

Be kind makes my toes curl. We have some children's books about be kind. They went in the bin I'm afraid. I thought it was a dreadful lesson to give to a child unless you're dealing with some extreme anti social behaviour. I also think it's sexist. It's designed to keep women primarily in their place. The world is complex and be kind doesn't solve anything.

It’s patronising and often said/written by people who are not kind. And I don’t need to be told how to behave (I find the supermarket “be kind/look after each other” tannoy messages particularly irritating.)

If we encourage people to be responsible for their own well being rather than co-dependently outsourcing to other people it we might have a happier and healthier society.

Fuck, yes. Where can I get THIS on a cushion?

I am not advocating some kind of Hunger Games free-for-all but people really do need to be able to hear an opinion contrary to their own or understand that there can be a difference between how something is and how they have interpreted it through the prism of their own circumstances, without melting down into a frenzy of “be kind”, accusations of bullying and so forth.

The word “resilience” gets over-used (and, like “be kind” is often co-opted to mean “accept my shitty behaviour so I don’t have to accept I was wrong”) but that IS what some people need. Living in a safe little echo-chamber bubble is not normal or healthy.

It normally means "shut up, bitch". It's nothing to do with actual kindness and more of a command to stop disagreeing with someone or pointing out their shitty behaviour/stupidity.

I loathe it - it’s just another way to keep women quiet and shut us up.

One person’s “be kind” is another person’s denial of free speech.

It was originally popularised as a rebuke to bullying.

Some of us saw those who had bullied us using it.

So it completely demonstrated 'virtue signalling' in action - using a hashtag on social media to get loads of 'likes' and make you feel good about yourself, but not actually doing anything useful.

*I loathe it - it’s just another way to keep women quiet and shut us up.
*

Absolutely. My mother's favourite pieces of advice are "don't rock the boat", " Let's keep the peace".

I remind her that if all women thought that way we still would not be able to vote and slavery still acceptable.
Sometime we have to thump our feet into the earth and upset people to rectify unfairness.

We should never teach children to unthinkingly "be kind", it's a massive safeguarding risk.

^This with bells on. As an abused child, I was yold by my F that I was being rude wheh I attempted to say no when I was being sexually abused by an adult.

My DM unwittingly reinforced this when she told me off for being unkind to him when I tried to keep my distance from him. She told me that I'd upset him. (She never knew about what was going on until my DSis and I told her about 6 years ago.)

As a result, I'm very different with my DDs (now 12 and 9) and I've upset my MIL in the past when I haven't insisted that DD2 go and greet her Grandma.

LizzieW1969

I'm so sorry for the abuse you experienced, I hope you received any help you needed to recover. The situation you described is exactly what I was thinking about when I wrote that sentence.

I'm surprised, 'take care' is one that rankles with people. It's been said in these parts all my life in the same way as, 'see you later' - which often makes me smile when it's said by someone I've done business with who will probably never see me again. Take care in my circle generally means, 'take time out to care of you because I care about you.' - not that people need the instruction but definitely meant in a kind non-patronising way.

I'm so sorry to read that Lizzie, and I wasn't minimising it by replying to something else, I posted before I finished reading TFT. The whole be kind thing sadly is tied up with keeping others, especially women, submissive and you make the point very eloquently as to why women should refuse to accept it. I hope you have had all the support you need to come to terms with this, on your terms. Unfortunately, your MIL has been socialised to a point that she thinks the way you handle the children is wrong. It's not.
The socialising of others. That's what is wrong with 'be kind.'

Being kind is something you should do of your own accord and according to the circumstances; it is not up to anyone else to instruct you about it.

You should not, for instance, be kind to an abusive spouse because he tells you to be, or to a stealing workmate because her best chum tells you to be. Being kind in those cases is not being kind at all, either to yourself or to anyone but the person who is behaving in a way which deserves no kindness.

People saying "be kind" are mouthing a catchphrase, and have probably not thought about why in any particular case you should be kind. Or they want you to be kind, quite specifically, to them, and know very well that they neither deserve it nor are kind themselves.

I always understood it to mean that you should be kind to people as a default thing, because you don't know what is going on in their lives.
Now it seems to be a way to shut down people. Someone acts like a bit of an asshole... they get called out on it, and that someone tells others to be kind yet still continues to be an asshole.

It is a goddam awful phrase that raises my hackles because it is used by people who want to exert control over others. There is nothing kind about its use.

The people I’ve known to use this hashtag are some of the most unkind people I’ve come across. Cynically I think they’re using it to portray a false, caring image.

It's patronisingly said to women too much. When we wont accept bullshit talk or actions.

It's also the stuff of boring virtue-signalling memes

No thanks.

@risefromyourgrave

A better slogan would be ‘Don’t be a dick’, kindness isn’t always the best policy.

Unfortunately "Don't be evil" as a motto somehow seems not quite to have worked, at least not for Google.

@FOJN @youkiddingme

Thank you to both of you for your kind words.

Yes, I've had therapy over the years, which has helped, and I've made peace with the past for the most part.

Re DD2 and my MIL, my handling of this isn't just because of my past, but due to my DDs being adopted, attachments have to be handled with a lot of care. I believe my MIL understands this better now.

Alec Baldwin's wife talks a lot on Instagram about 'being kind' and has actually put up quite a long spiel tonight about 'making 2022 the year of kindness'

@CharlotteGoldenblattYork

Alec Baldwin's wife talks a lot on Instagram about 'being kind' and has actually put up quite a long spiel tonight about 'making 2022 the year of kindness'

She would!

This thread is further proof to me that little good comes of social media!

I wasn’t aware of any of this background to “Be Kind”. If someone told me to be kind, I’d tell them to fuck off! I can only imagine they’d say that if I were doing something they didn’t like. Because I’m kind. I don’t do things to hurt people, although (extremely rarely, I can’t actually think of an example right now) someone might be hurt as a consequence of me doing what I believe to be the right thing.

Also, since when can you tell someone to be kind…..and then they miraculously become kind . Kindness takes thought, consideration, deliberation, perspective. It’s not something you can switch on and off. It’s a value, not an action.

There’s so little constructive thought these days. It’s just talking, reacting, emoting, quick fixes, hits of adrenaline.

@CharlotteGoldenblattYork

Alec Baldwin's wife talks a lot on Instagram about 'being kind' and has actually put up quite a long spiel tonight about 'making 2022 the year of kindness'

Tbf she visited kindness on her gap year so obviously has a natural affinity for the place

The problem that I see with this phrase is that everyone I have ever heard saying it is without fail,most definitely NOT kind themselves. A case of 'Do as I say,not as I do'.

Being kind is wonderful and should be the basis of relationships
#Bekind is usually yet another empty catch phrase that’s usually used to shut down meaningful and honest conversation

@CharlotteGoldenblattYork

Alec Baldwin's wife talks a lot on Instagram about 'being kind' and has actually put up quite a long spiel tonight about 'making 2022 the year of kindness'

My first thought was, better make 2022 the year of not shooting anyone.

I'm going to hell.