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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DB doesn’t invite us to New Years Eve Parties

263 replies

usauk · 30/12/2021 07:38

DB and DSIL live one street away from us. They have NYE party every year and invite all SIL family and my parents but never myself, DH or children. We have done so much for them including child care and he phones me New Years Day to wish us Happy New Year without mentioning the party. I know about it because my parents tell me. It’s coming up to the time again. AIBU to feel used and hurt?

OP posts:
AutumnAlmanack · 31/12/2021 19:40

I think you have had a lucky escape. Who can be bothered to stay up until midnight? I will be asleep by 10. Happy New (quiet) Year!!

Mumofsons87 · 31/12/2021 20:04

Next year have your own NY party and invite your parents before he does....

pollymere · 31/12/2021 20:10

I'd probably just turn up on the doorstep. At least that way I'd find out why I'm not invited...but definitely be less free with the favours. I suspect it will no longer be so convenient to provide childcare or bike storage. I would probably ask outright as it maybe due to a miscommunication that you wouldn't accept an invite or don't like NYE parties or something really dumb.

CaveMum · 31/12/2021 20:14

You say you’d be sad that your children would miss out on a relationship with their cousins, but let’s face facts: they (the cousins) don’t have good role models (your brother and SIL) for their behaviour in terms of how they treat other people. Do you really want your children to be around people who are highly likely to treat them badly or at best as “second best”?

Low contact is the way forward. As another poster said, cards with money in for the kids on birthdays/Christmas and just cards for Brother and SIL. No more helping out with childcare, don’t put yourself out for people who sound like they wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire.

Shelby2010 · 31/12/2021 20:16

You really need to reduce & control all contact. It’s all very well to be disappointed that your DC won’t know their cousins, but how will they feel when they realise they are treated as second class citizens?

There is no way that your DB will behave better to your DC than he does you, and neither will your parents stand up for them. Therefore it’s up to you to show that DB’s attitude to you and your family is unacceptable & set a good example to your children.

Shelby2010 · 31/12/2021 20:18

cross-posts @CaveMum 😀

Thevoiceofreason2021 · 31/12/2021 20:19

Just ask. You maybe reading way too much into this.

Teacups27 · 31/12/2021 20:24

Tbh I think you sound quite needy doing things, expecting stuff in return. Waiting for invites. Like they are the star of the show. Make your own show. Who cares what they do.

Mandyjack · 31/12/2021 20:27

Ask your parents or SIL why you don't get invited
If you aren't their cup of tea then stop letting them use you for babysitting etc

moremoony · 31/12/2021 20:34

They don’t see you as people just something to get stuff and services from. They care not a shit about you. Do nothing for them. Don’t answer messages and go grey rock. If they ask you for anything you just say “no”. One word. End of. If they confront you then you say “when we’re good enough to get an invite to your parties then we will be good enough to help you out” fuck that shit. What an arsehole.

Unsure33 · 31/12/2021 20:34

I would be angry , not upset if I was you .

How rude and Ill mannered .

I would go Very LC .

He does not value you enough to grace his doorstep so I would just ignore him . What a nasty person .

Feeasco · 31/12/2021 20:39

Have your own party and focus on enjoying and enriching your life. I've learnt that yoh can't change other's choices. Focus on your life and make your own plans. ❤

Leontine · 31/12/2021 20:53

Whilst it seems to be usual for males to favour the wife’s family, especially after they’ve had children, this is just plain weird.

Dillydilly01 · 31/12/2021 20:59

Just stop making an effort with them, doesn't matter whether your children know their cousins or not, doesn't matter if you don't have a relationship with them are not. They are not interested in you, so don't be interested in them.

AshtonsMummy2017 · 31/12/2021 21:00

You really should have asked why you’re not invited, it doesn’t have to be confrontational. I am surprised your parents haven’t said anything, have you asked their opinion?! I know you’re adults but wow that’s one large elephant in the room to navigate every New Year’s Day! Perhaps have yourself a small gathering next year and invite both your parents and brother, I doubt he will go but will show who’s the bigger person.

AshtonsMummy2017 · 31/12/2021 21:08

I’ve just read the rest of your post after posting above. Honestly he sounds horrible, I wouldn’t bother hun. Just give up on that one. Be busy next time he needs your help.

Mylittlespuds · 31/12/2021 21:14

Get your brother around your kitchen table with his wife and ask them why you aren’t invited, eyeball to eyeball. Watch them squirm if nothing else they have to sit with their consciences afterwards and they will know you know they are having a party then never mind late night runaround, cut through the bullshit so it disarms them. Same with mum and dad too. Do not have them all around at the same time though. I wish you luck but to be frank your brothers sounds a bit of a snake going behind your back and hoping to get away with it, there is probably other stuff he’s doing as well. Make sure you have good friends and support network outside your parents and brother as I’m sure this is upsetting to be treated this way. Find out how to communicate more assertively too in the long run. Big hugs to you and yours

Rhannion · 31/12/2021 21:15

Very odd , You should just go to the party, brass it out, I doubt they would say you are not welcome.

Rhannion · 31/12/2021 21:16

On the other hand you can just think Sod them and not help in this new year ahead.

Mandyjack · 31/12/2021 21:32

@AshtonsMummy2017

You really should have asked why you’re not invited, it doesn’t have to be confrontational. I am surprised your parents haven’t said anything, have you asked their opinion?! I know you’re adults but wow that’s one large elephant in the room to navigate every New Year’s Day! Perhaps have yourself a small gathering next year and invite both your parents and brother, I doubt he will go but will show who’s the bigger person.
Good idea
Gilly12345 · 31/12/2021 21:53

I understand that this is hurtful but I would start to distance myself from them as from now, don’t babysit for them as the relationship sounds like that maybe users, invite your parents to your house and live your best life.

Dnaltocs · 31/12/2021 22:14

Thank goodness you have asked what others think. You and your immediate family are not being treated fairly. I also think your parents are being disloyal by going to the party.
If you feel he may bully you when you confront him, perhaps write to him. I’d definitely cut all baby sitting.

Value yourself.

Please let us know how it works out.

Flickflak · 31/12/2021 22:50

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Payitforward55 · 31/12/2021 23:10

I'm really sorry your brother is so mean! I really can't be doing with people who are total users. Your parents should be asking him why you haven't been invited. Back away from these toxic users. You sound like a lovely genuine person so backing away won't come naturally or be easy but please do it.

Bertiebiscuit · 01/01/2022 00:35

YANBU - there either needs to be a serious conversation about this at some point - or if I were you I would not do anything with or for them in future and see how they like it