DB doesn’t invite us to New Years Eve Parties

[usauk]

DB and DSIL live one street away from us. They have NYE party every year and invite all SIL family and my parents but never myself, DH or children. We have done so much for them including child care and he phones me New Years Day to wish us Happy New Year without mentioning the party. I know about it because my parents tell me. It’s coming up to the time again. AIBU to feel used and hurt?

I get what you are saying. It can be difficult especially when kids are involved. You are right to go low/no contact. I've had this experience with both sides of the family. One experience sticks out- there was a party at BIL, all the family went, when we got there we found out that all the nephew's were invited to stay the night, except our boys, our boys were the same age, into the same things etc. It didn't bother me but it was questionable in any sense. My boys began to ask why they weren't invited, it broke my heart, from then I refuse to let them be exposed. They'll only invite us if they really have too, but I tend to decline- it funny how people react when you place boundaries.

You say your DB is a bully, remind yourself that your kids don't need to be exposed to toxic behaviour. That's how I look at it. When I see the kids I speak with them or post presents and cards directly to them. Life is so much easier, it takes to much energy worrying or stressing about people who don't give a dam about you, it's sad, but its reality, put your energy into someone who appreciates you and your family.

He's using you. Tell him to F* off and live happily ever after

Forsure69

Yes it’s the unfair treatment of children that hurts the most. Sorry this has happened to you too. What is wrong with people?

I was thinking all along of going no contact but I wanted to see if everyone else thought the same without me suggesting it. DB hasn’t called today but I’m going to go no contact.

When they ask you to babysit, tell them you can't because you're going to a party that day.

Then, have a party yourself and don't invite them

OP, I might have missed the post, apologies if so.... but do you spend Christmas with them at all, does DB and SIL have you and your parents another time? If so, then maybe they just want her family and invite your parents as they aren't invited to yours for NYE?
If above doesn't apply, then either ask him in a non confrontational way... ie, mum says party was great, we would have loved to come.....
Either way, stop being too available to them, especially as they never have your kids in return.

OP,

Don't be forced into anything dramatic.

Simply make a list of replys that work for you.

That doesn't suit.
We have plans.
That doesn't work for me, etc.

If pushed, just say something like "I have enough going on with my own children, I really haven't time to be minding other".

If they try and argue the point, don't reply further.

You don't have to discuss further.

If your parents try and say anything, tell them to mind the children.

If he's such a bully, it is likely the children will pick this up.
I wouldn't want them around my children.

Spend time with other children.

Fade them out.

You don't have to let on you're upset or annoyed.
You don't owe them an explanation.

You are just choosing to no longer oblige them.

End of.

They never have my/our parents for Christmas. Not once. They have her parents every single year. I gladly host DF & DM every time. Where’s their conscience?

Some people are just assholes.. no other explanation... Although, its strange that he will willingly be around her ones?

I find bullies can't or won't listen to reason. It's always about them, hence why no contact is only option. Once you start reasoning, I think the gaslighting starts!

Yeah, the kids will see their cousins but they haven't a real relationship. I feel cause they're much older now and it's just people they know, if that makes sense. It's unfortunate but just cause they're family doesn't give them permission to make you feel like crap or your family.

Why don't you have a few parties or bbq's in the summer and not invite DB and his family?

My sister was exactly the same. Had NYE party, invited my cousin, left myself and DH out. She continued in this bullying way until eventually she is now out of my life and we have peace and no longer are made to feel sub standard. Step back some giant steps and find people who actually appreciate you.

I have a mate whose bully brother, literally tortured her all her childhood. He demanded drill exercises until she dropped. If she refused he would suffocate her till she passed out. The parents knew what went on but did nothing. She has never totally got over this but has shunned him, who would risk this near their family. I realised when I found out he must be mentally ill but her parents turned a blind eye.
OP has never gone into the bullying which is her prerogative. Keep him firmly to one side. In fact someone mentioned a move, if this is a possibility do it......

@Ddot

I have a mate whose bully brother, literally tortured her all her childhood. He demanded drill exercises until she dropped. If she refused he would suffocate her till she passed out. The parents knew what went on but did nothing. She has never totally got over this but has shunned him, who would risk this near their family. I realised when I found out he must be mentally ill but her parents turned a blind eye. OP has never gone into the bullying which is her prerogative. Keep him firmly to one side. In fact someone mentioned a move, if this is a possibility do it......

She has also not said what it was her bully DB did/said to her own CHILD that her DF had to intervene.

I have also seen bullies go on to target the children of their original victim.

You and your DCs don’t need to be involved with this character.