Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DB doesn’t invite us to New Years Eve Parties

263 replies

usauk · 30/12/2021 07:38

DB and DSIL live one street away from us. They have NYE party every year and invite all SIL family and my parents but never myself, DH or children. We have done so much for them including child care and he phones me New Years Day to wish us Happy New Year without mentioning the party. I know about it because my parents tell me. It’s coming up to the time again. AIBU to feel used and hurt?

OP posts:
BorsetshireBanality · 31/12/2021 12:23

Maybe you could stop doing things on his terms, such as childcare when he asks, but do things on your terms such as having a picnic in the garden on a nice sunny day so the children can enjoy each other’s company.

GloriaSicTransitMundi · 31/12/2021 15:27

@usauk 'Yes I believe he’s narcissistic. He has always kept me at arms length and prioritises his in-laws every bit as much as SIL which is a lot.
For example they used to live 5 hours away for several years and I was never invite but they would land on me uninvited on a regular basis.'

Get a Ring doorbell, takes care of all surprise visitors 'Sorry, we're out, you should have called first. No, we won't be home for hours' then hide til they've gone away.

pinkpantherpink · 31/12/2021 17:33

@usauk

Georgarina

Yes I believe he’s narcissistic. He has always kept me at arms length and prioritises his in-laws every bit as much as SIL which is a lot.
For example they used to live 5 hours away for several years and I was never invite but they would land on me uninvited on a regular basis.

Sweetheart, read back everything you have written. You're well off out of it. I'd definitely go low to NC. He is not worth your time and mental energy. Find a way to be happy youre not invited ... sounds hideous.

I'm NC with my own sibling. They sound like a matching pair. Happily he lives on the other side of the city xxx

Insanelysilver · 31/12/2021 17:35

Omg That’s really hurtful. Unless , Is there any way you’ve ever given them the impression you’d not want to attend ?
What does your mum say about you not being asked ?

fortheloveofgumball · 31/12/2021 17:36

Cut your losses like I did with mine. He was a bully too growing up. I do not and will not ever respect him for it. I only put up with him for the sake of my mother. I don't ring him or have any reason to. If I do happen to meet him at my mother's it's only a bare conversation for the sake of it.

Rtruth · 31/12/2021 17:50

There are a host of reasons it could be, but doing less to get an invite is as petty as it gets.

Do you invite your parents over? Maybe he does to take that burden off you.
Maybe SIL sister is the priority on New Years and having loads of kids isn’t what they want.
Maybe SIL organised it for her family and your parents invited themselves.
Maybe you mention your tires so they didn’t think to invite you.
Maybe you have said you hate new year and they love it.
Question is, does it really matter? Will you all be having a good time anyway? If yes, it doesn’t

If you want to make something of it, it’s simple. Ask how the party was as your mum/dad mentioned it? Then see if you get an invite(but be prepared that you might not next year)
Or ask your parents, they probably know!

I’d hate my parents and in laws to be together, they are polar opposite’s! Add in my crazy siblings and partners and their would be war! It’s why I got to a friends house

Babymama76 · 31/12/2021 17:50

I have a sibling that done things like that. Would pick and choose what birthday meal and party myself and my daughter got invited to. It always depended whether we were in their circle at the time and how many holidays i babysit the kids for (they’re classic narcissists). I’ve cut them off completely because I don’t like being around people who make me question what I’ve done wrong or where I stand.

Harmonypuss · 31/12/2021 17:52

Is just turn up at his house tonight, walk in and just chat to your parents and other guests.
If your brother REALLY doesn't want you there he'll come over and tell you to your face, which is actually unlikely because I don't think he'd want to be the cause of a scene at his own party.

Feeasco · 31/12/2021 17:52

I think it is cruel behaviour if there is no back-story. I can't understand why you have accepted it for so long? It seems your boundaries are not strong for you to accept this treatment. What does your partner have to say? Why would your parents not speak to him or you about it? They surely not comfortable about it. Just seems strange without prior arrangement, and stranger that, if no back-story, you would accept it. Your parents are not bullies - why can't you discuss it with them?

Braveheart35 · 31/12/2021 17:55

@usauk

Again, thank you for all your replies. It’s heartening to know that I am not the only one this type of thing happens to. I do wish the parents would have asked why I wasn’t invited when everyone else is. I’ll wait and see what happens this New Year then I’ll start taking action
They do it because they can. Because you carry on helping despite their behaviour. Your parents enable it. Unless you become assertive and put some boundaries around how you are treated it will continue.

Don't quietly step back. Calmly state how you feel.

Mrsmadevans · 31/12/2021 17:56

Happy New Year everyone Smile WineStarGlitterballGin

Babymama76 · 31/12/2021 17:57

Same here! My parents don’t say anything to my sibling about their behaviour because they’ll get blocked from seeing the grandchildren. It’s really sad

Mrsmadevans · 31/12/2021 17:58

I am sorry. l didn't mean to post this here, however the sentiment is the same especially to you OP. Happy New Year and let your DB and his party go to glory !

007Stocko · 31/12/2021 17:58

Would you actually want to go - appreciating that's not really the point. what do your parents say about it - do they not find it odd your not invited?

gerryk62 · 31/12/2021 18:00

That’s really bad of him
You need say something and stop doing so much for them. They are using you

Bollocks2Covid · 31/12/2021 18:01

OP what would happen if you just turned up uninvited? If he’s a narcissist like you say he wouldn’t dare kick off and make himself look bad. I’d be tempted to do it just to make him squirm.

gerryk62 · 31/12/2021 18:01

They are using you. Say something and enjoy your New Years with your family

FictionalCharacter · 31/12/2021 18:02

That’s really hurtful, but I’d honestly want to know why, either directly from him or via your parents. It’s a really bizarre thing to do as well as unpleasant. I would just have to know what he’s thinking. And I’d want to know why the other people there don’t question why you’re not invited. He might be telling them you don’t want to come, but I’d want to know that, and I’d want other people to know the truth.

Mitzi067 · 31/12/2021 18:05

Usauk re grumpy panda reply
It isn't a subject I've heard much about but it intrigues me how people can be so different, either to other friends, family, work colleagues: some are as cruel as can be, yet the same person is seen as a perfect human being to others. I have experienced this within my family and friends. Is it a generational thing, are our brains and personalities just not connecting with others to get such diverse opinions on a person? I get offended easily and wonder if that is the reason my heart is made so soft with deep feelings, that other folk do not waste time over-analyising everything and just get on with enjoying life. Your DB and wife may have insecurities and feel uneasy in a social scenario; you must ask them the reason why you are not invited for your own peace of mind.

WorraLiberty · 31/12/2021 18:10

@usauk

Again, thank you for all your replies. It’s heartening to know that I am not the only one this type of thing happens to. I do wish the parents would have asked why I wasn’t invited when everyone else is. I’ll wait and see what happens this New Year then I’ll start taking action
You're a big girl now, you don't need others to ask questions on your behalf.

"Oi Bob, how comes we never get an invite on NYE?"

Job done. No 'confrontation', just basic communication.

Bobbins36 · 31/12/2021 18:11

You could always invite the nieces on the odd day out with your kids, that way you see them on your terms and the cousins maintain contact. But make a point of declining his requests for childcare, it’s not so severe as going NC but just recalibrating the relationship so it’s better balanced?

Roxy69 · 31/12/2021 18:16

There must be a reason for it but if you don't want to ask I would distance myself. Especially since this is not a new occurrence. Then perhaps you might have a full and frank discussion if he mentions anything. Otherwise you will have your answer.

Beurre · 31/12/2021 18:19

Similar in my family. DB and DSIL live about 15 doors away from us, never invite us over. I used to always host them and their 3 rowdy children for lunches, barbecues, Christmas dinners etc but this was never ever reciprocated. I found out recently that they had a birthday party and again we were not invited. Poor DS cried his eyes out when one of our neighbours asked him why we weren't there. This was it for me so I stopped inviting them for ANYTHING. Really wanted to be the better person and ensure my kids had contact with their cousins but I couldn't let myself be a doormat. The really strange thing is: I get on well with both my DB and DSIL so I honestly don't know why they behave this way. I adored my nephews and made a huge effort with them but to be honest I don't even miss them anymore. Gosh, I feel so horrible feeling this way.

IncompleteSenten · 31/12/2021 18:19

Stop helping them.
This is not a two way street.

Londoncallingme · 31/12/2021 18:23

Go round dressed to kill at 11.50 and just rock in! Happy new year parents, blah blah blah. What can he do?

Swipe left for the next trending thread