DB doesn’t invite us to New Years Eve Parties

[usauk]

DB and DSIL live one street away from us. They have NYE party every year and invite all SIL family and my parents but never myself, DH or children. We have done so much for them including child care and he phones me New Years Day to wish us Happy New Year without mentioning the party. I know about it because my parents tell me. It’s coming up to the time again. AIBU to feel used and hurt?

Have a talk before you just stop babysitting

Worth airing
Maybe they thought you hate staying up
My DH hates having kids up late at NYE and makes it known. I wouldn’t invite him

Yes I believe parents say nothing to him as they are scared he won’t let them see grandchildren. They have mentioned they are not happy re how much time SIL relatives spend at the house and how he prioritises her family and its not just that he’s a sheep to her he is very proactive in putting her side first.

I find it interesting that you can casually say “I’ll stop having their children over”. I think of my brothers kids as my nieces and nephews and I’d be absolutely gutted not to see them. Indicative of the lack of closeness between you and brother. Not blaming you for that, just interesting.

You say he was a bully when you were children and it seems he hasn’t changed much at all, why are your parents even entertaining this? Surely they can see how unpleasant he is being? I am NC with my brother and people are genuinely shocked as apparently he’s a lovely guy and so much fun! That’s not my experience of him at all, he’s a nasty alcoholic who will think nothing of lying if he thinks it will save his arse or get him what he wants. You are not alone and have my sympathy. I’d stop the favours and go LC

@SmallElephant

Stop babysitting for them OP. They're using you.

This

Yes I do think parents see him for what he is. DB & SIL had two previous properties in a big city and he never invited myself and my son (single parent at the time), actually told parents no they couldn’t come to stay when they asked to visit, but her sisters and parents were there nearly every weekend. I wasn’t too bothered for myself, but it bothered me more for my son & parents. I think parents did explain to brother and SIL that they were a bit hurt but it didn’t change anything

@Totalwasteofpaper

Look he isnt interested except on his own terms and to use you for his convenience. That his (sad) choice.

You can only address your own behaviour.

Personally i would drop the rope entirely.

This means....
you don't drop round to their house. ever.
dont text unless replying to something
dont help them out / lend them things / go out of your way for them
don't let you mum or dad guilt you in to helping them out
dont offer, or if requested be available, to babysit.
send the kids cards for Bday and Xmas with a tenner in
get your Brother and SIL a cards only for Bday and Xmas that read ^"To X &/or Y, from, ESG" for Xmas and birthdays"

Yup, that should do it

He is not interested in a relationship with his family from the sound of it and I would not bother with them at all.

He leaves you on the doorstep when you go round?

OMG you need to do NOTHING for these people ever again.

And don't worry about upsetting your parents. It sounds like they should take a leaf out of your book, and go NC too.

Start by doing no childcare for them, ever! They just see you as cheap labour.

If you don't like being direct, say something like "I'm writing a book/starting a business/studying to become a X, and its taking up ALL of my free time"

Then go LC/NC

So OP l think this is disgusting. My sister had a Christmas lunch 'for all the family'. Upset me Christmas eve. In twenty years not an invitation for a meal although up to four years ago she came to me. Blinking professional chef too. Buy champagne, eat steak, tell them to feck off. Next year have your lunch at a very snazzy local hotel. I wish you a better 2022. People are shits, volunteer at a charity you might meet better people. X

@ESGdance
Exactly.
I couldn't agree more with your comment.

@Beurre

Similar in my family. DB and DSIL live about 15 doors away from us, never invite us over. I used to always host them and their 3 rowdy children for lunches, barbecues, Christmas dinners etc but this was never ever reciprocated. I found out recently that they had a birthday party and again we were not invited. Poor DS cried his eyes out when one of our neighbours asked him why we weren't there. This was it for me so I stopped inviting them for ANYTHING. Really wanted to be the better person and ensure my kids had contact with their cousins but I couldn't let myself be a doormat. The really strange thing is: I get on well with both my DB and DSIL so I honestly don't know why they behave this way. I adored my nephews and made a huge effort with them but to be honest I don't even miss them anymore. Gosh, I feel so horrible feeling this way.

You didnthe right thing x

They should invite you

Have you already seen them over Christmas? I don’t think it’s that unusual to not invite every family member, unless they have a very large house an extra family is quite a lot of people. It sounds like a party for the in laws I wouldn’t think much of it. Unfortunately it is often the woman’s family prioritised don’t think you need to ‘go no contact’ just stop offering childcare if you don’t want to do it

@usauk It is traditional on New Year's Eve to clear out the old toot and make room for the New Year, a new start.

I guarantee you will feel nothing but relief and joy.

As for your brother and shameful bystanders - let them wonder where you are and when they do, do not respond.

''You never miss the water till the well runs dry''

I’d cut off or reduce contact. He’s a user.

Next year have your own party and just invite your parents and in-laws.

My brother is like this.
I know so many women who have horrible using brothers. Is it misogyny or sibling rivalry?

It sounds like this relationship is really imbalanced and you are hurt because of that. If he was historically a bully this makes sense. Can you look at what you're really getting from all the giving? Probably not much other than feeling awful inside. Set some real boundaries, pull back the favours completely, focus on yourself, don't bring him up at all in conversations with other family unless they do and just see what happens. I agree the mature thing is to ask him why but the fact he and his wife invite everyone bar you, take advantage of your kindness and the fact he was a bully tells me that you probably won't get a straight or even fair and logical answer as to why. It feels manipulative or intentional. Who does that without even saying something. And for your oarents to say nothing too. I feel for you, I've grown up with some unhealthy family dynamics like this. Set some boundaries, demand respect
for your time and energy by kindly withdrawing and see if that changes anything.
Happy New Year to you and your family xx

If I were your mum/dad I’d tackle him about it. I wouldn’t keep attending one child’s party knowing full well my other child is not invited. That’s really shitty.

@daisychain01

There are no words.

Of course he's popular, people like that are - everyone thinks he's the life and soul, fantastic company yada yada, but that's because he invites them to his parties, is on his best behaviour and is generous with his time and attention, meanwhile he's neglecting you, turning his back on his family and using you as a convenience when it suits him. People who know him socially don't see that side, only the polished shiny side that he chooses to flash at his convenience.

The fact he lives a few paces away from you, makes him a despicable turd.

Yep, I've met a few people like that over the years, they're one long grin to strangers who think they're the bees knees but they're a cunt to their nearest and dearest, OP take the advice offered and don't ask about the party but make New Year resolution to yourself not to be treated like crap by your own family..

He does sound like someone I would even want to be around or want my children around.

It would have been funny to have crashed one his his precious parties.

This strikes me as you keep doing things for him in hopes one day he'll accept and include you.

As PPs have said. Start the NY by choosing yourself and stop the favours for him.
He shows up uninvited, don't answer the door.
He's a jerk and doesn't deserve one second of your kindness.

@KeepingAnOpenMind

My brother is like this. I know so many women who have horrible using brothers. Is it misogyny or sibling rivalry?

Misogyny. There are scores of parents who kiss a male child's arse, intentionally or not.

Fully agree with you!