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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DB doesn’t invite us to New Years Eve Parties

263 replies

usauk · 30/12/2021 07:38

DB and DSIL live one street away from us. They have NYE party every year and invite all SIL family and my parents but never myself, DH or children. We have done so much for them including child care and he phones me New Years Day to wish us Happy New Year without mentioning the party. I know about it because my parents tell me. It’s coming up to the time again. AIBU to feel used and hurt?

OP posts:
Anon2022 · 01/01/2022 01:06

Hope you turned up tonight

And had a blast running them up !
Or stayed home and had fun with loved ones

Happy new year

Owl55 · 01/01/2022 01:10

Does he think you would be uncomfortable if there’s a lot of drinking or are your children poorly behaved at parties?

musicviking1 · 01/01/2022 01:10

I'd start mirroring him, keeping him on the doorstep and not inviting him in, not inviting him to the BBQs etc. See if he mentions it, if he does then raise your issues.

caringcarer · 01/01/2022 01:11

I think next year has your own NY E party, invite your friends and parents, neighbours if you get on well and exclude dB and sil. Be too busy to babysit too. They are walking all over you. Make a NY resolution to stop being at their beck and call.

Dibbydoos · 01/01/2022 01:51

@GrumpyPanda

Try and invite your parents to yours next time instead? And your brother's an arse.
I agree with @Grumpypants, your brothers an arse.

If he bullied you as kids, he's still doing it now. Can helping them out. Make your own NYE plans with real friends. Strikes me as odd your mum and dad don't fight your corner and wonder why you aren't at the party, so you need to test them. Tell them how hurt you've been that whilst you do all the stuff you do for your DB and SIL but never once got invited to NYE party, so you're focusing your time on your family and friends. warn your mum and dad that they may be needed more to help out DB and SIL.

If mum and dad get upset let them. The one thing none of us need in our lives are toxic people. Your brother and SIL are toxic and if mum and dad support them, then sadly so are they.

I hope you have good friends around you. Once you're away from your toxic family, you will feel so much better about everything! Hopefully the kids won't miss their cousins. But if they do, arrange get togethers somewhere that you can't possibly look after all the kids on your own and where you can distance yourselves from your DB and/or SIL.

Good luck. I've had to distance myself from siblings and my mum to protect myself and my kids from toxicity...!

LouBan · 01/01/2022 01:57

I would feel hurt in this situation. You say your DB calls on New Year's Day so when he does it this time ask him how the party was. This might be a way to lead into the uncomfortable topic of why you weren't invited.

MammaMacgill87 · 01/01/2022 02:13

Maybe you're boring. Maybe you wouldn't get on with everyone else, maybe you aren't social enough maybe they are a bunch of self entitled twats, regardless would you now want an invite or to attend after not being invited but then having your parents ask or make a fuss, because then you've just been invited for show. Who cares have your own party invite the whole street except them 🤷🏻‍♀️ Asking the others if they think you've been treated unfairly puts them in an awkward position. Probably just time to stand up for yourself don't watch their kids on demand and get on with it. No sense in being hurt by it, its a party not the last supper and noone ever laid on their death bed thinking 'gosh I really wish I'd been invited to that bully's newyears eve party every year'

ClaudiaJ1 · 01/01/2022 02:24

Is there a reason why you won't answer the question that many have asked you, that is Have you asked him why???

Original poster
usauk · 01/01/2022 06:06

I’ve found it hard to confront him due to him being a bully when we were growing up. I have tried to get along with them especially as we live so close and have some children very similar in age. I have been no contact with him once before. I’m ready for him now though if he phones today.

OP posts:
ESGdance · 01/01/2022 08:12

@usauk

I’ve found it hard to confront him due to him being a bully when we were growing up. I have tried to get along with them especially as we live so close and have some children very similar in age. I have been no contact with him once before. I’m ready for him now though if he phones today.
Please don’t give this bastard your anger. He will looooovvvveeee it. Don’t even let him sense it.

Indifference is a bigger slap in the face.

Ilovewolfblass · 01/01/2022 08:16

Maybe you do his head in?
You seem a bit winey.

TakeMe2Insanity · 01/01/2022 08:18

Maybe it hurts more because you live so close? Perhaps think about moving further away and getting some distance so it literally is not in your face and you can make new connections rather than being part of family and not being part of it.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 01/01/2022 08:27

He sounds like a cunt.
Tell him go fuck himself.

Justilou1 · 01/01/2022 09:04

What Haystacks said.

Ddot · 01/01/2022 09:24

I have read your posts and maybe wrongly come to this conclusion. He is worried you will let slip, what a total shit he was growing up. His children will know what a bully he was, wife and in laws too. We all hate those people who thinly hide the fact that their sadistic selfish knobs. So nice on the outside but bubbling psychopaths underneath. My Ex was one. Just saying

Hiphopboppertybop99 · 01/01/2022 09:29

Good luck with the phone call today OP.... Or perhaps you dont pick up instead?

Ddot · 01/01/2022 09:44

I'd just keep them at arms length confronting him will not help. His true colour will pop out for an airing. Let your children and his play but keep your brother and his wife as far away as poss

StEval · 01/01/2022 10:25

@Ddot

I'd just keep them at arms length confronting him will not help. His true colour will pop out for an airing. Let your children and his play but keep your brother and his wife as far away as poss
Agree with this. All those telling you to ask him why? Its obvious why! Hes a nasty bully and this gives him a power trip, strokes his ego. He isnt going to say ooops sorry He will use it against the Op and will probably paint her as " going mad" at him. These people are master manipulators. Confronting never works, they wont step down, they ramp it up. Op let your change in behaviour do the talking, drop the rope, change your behaviour and fade away.
SeasonFinale · 01/01/2022 10:37

If they have the same people every year it has now become a tradition for the to inc1ite those people only. It sounds like they don't socialise with you. You sound like you don't like them that much anyway so why does this bother you anyway. It also sounds as though you don't really want to go low contact or NC for the reasons you gave described already
Don't cut off your nose to spite your face I that regard. Just accept you aren't on their NYE list and it is the same group every year that they have

Justilou1 · 01/01/2022 10:44

@usauk - does SIL have money or did she bring money to the marriage? Just wondering if that’s got anything to do with all of this snobbery…

Ddot · 01/01/2022 10:45

Its not just NYE! op is stopped at her brothers door. He is a control freak by the sounds of it

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 01/01/2022 10:56

Don't even answer the phone when he rings.

Send him a bland HNY text afterwards if you must

Start as you mean to go on!

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/01/2022 11:28

I know you want to confront him. He will turn this on you. Bullies always do. Be careful not to make yourself feel worse. The only time I ever confronted my brother and wife after my dd was hurt as a baby, they went full scale attack. It was awful. We are nc.

Mirw · 01/01/2022 11:41

Move on... Stop doing for him and his fanily. Then he might see your worth. If he doesn't, at the end of the day it doesn't matter. Why? He might be your brother but there is nothing to say you have to like him. Treat him like a hostile neighbour and get on with your life. You only get one shot at it.

billy1966 · 01/01/2022 12:19

@Mummyoflittledragon

I know you want to confront him. He will turn this on you. Bullies always do. Be careful not to make yourself feel worse. The only time I ever confronted my brother and wife after my dd was hurt as a baby, they went full scale attack. It was awful. We are nc.
I agree with this.

There is nothing to be gained for you from confronting him.

It will bring drama that you don't need.

Just step away.

Google "medium chill" and "grey rock".

Look at how you can apply them to your life.

Stop being available to his family.
Stop being used.
Do not return calls.
Don't discuss him with your parents.

They have supported his behaviour, so you are under NO obligation to answer questions that they may pose.

I think if he uses you for free childcare a lot, you can expect him to push back, so you do have to prepare yourself.

Have you ever thought of moving?