Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DB doesn’t invite us to New Years Eve Parties

263 replies

usauk · 30/12/2021 07:38

DB and DSIL live one street away from us. They have NYE party every year and invite all SIL family and my parents but never myself, DH or children. We have done so much for them including child care and he phones me New Years Day to wish us Happy New Year without mentioning the party. I know about it because my parents tell me. It’s coming up to the time again. AIBU to feel used and hurt?

OP posts:
JohnHuffam1812 · 30/12/2021 09:03

Time to stop giving favours.

Original poster
usauk · 30/12/2021 09:05

Fairylights25
Odd thing for your BF to say your standards are too high, what does she mean by that? That you are refusing to be everyone's go to doormat?!

I think so. She doesn’t understand that I have deliberately raised it as it was so low while growing up that I think it was on the floor. She’s normally supportive but she has all younger sisters and thinks all older brothers would have been protectors.

OP posts:
Original poster
usauk · 30/12/2021 09:09

GrumpyPanda

Thank you

I’ve often thought that but he’s so popular. People tell me how much they like him so I do end up questioning myself sometimes

OP posts:
BooksAndGin · 30/12/2021 09:11

I'd just ask him where's your invite is. Put him on the spot. But yes definitely stop having his kids to stay it's not on.

shouldistop · 30/12/2021 09:11

Do the kids fight? Do you not get on with sil family?

Everydaydayisaschoolday · 30/12/2021 09:13

That's just plain rude. I'd be going very LC. I'd also plan my own party for next year. I'd also seriously consider inviting them all at the last minute - just for the sheer pleasure of watching them squirm.

Everydaydayisaschoolday · 30/12/2021 09:16

@usauk

GrumpyPanda

Thank you

I’ve often thought that but he’s so popular. People tell me how much they like him so I do end up questioning myself sometimes

I'd take what people say with a pinch of salt. My SIL lives locally and we have some acquaintance in common who often tell me how nice she is. I nod and smile and agree and assume that deep down they might share my opinion that she is at her best socially awkward and a little rude and at her worst a total cow. But of course they aren't going to say that to me!
Pinkypenguin · 30/12/2021 09:20

@usauk

GrumpyPanda

Thank you

I’ve often thought that but he’s so popular. People tell me how much they like him so I do end up questioning myself sometimes

My sister's very charming and people are always telling me how lovely she is. But she's done all kinds of unkind and selfish things to me over the years. She's clever enough not to behave like that to others, though. She is careful to help out people and make big gestures, but she always makes sure everyone knows about it. For years I was dazzled by her, even though I knew at times how horrible she could be. It's hard to see through these people unless you've had a lot of experience of them.
ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 30/12/2021 09:23

Do you entertain and have them over too? The thing with entertaining is that its usually reciprocal.

Itsokay2020 · 30/12/2021 09:25

OP, you are right to feel aggrieved. I went NC with my sister after being excluded from her 40th, it wasn’t the party itself, but the lies beforehand and a social media post in the early hours of the morning by her husband with some thoughtless words and three photos - two of which featured his sister. I made a decision that day which I don’t regret, that was a little over two years ago.

In your situation, I’d try and give this less head space, surround yourself with people you do want to spend time with and vice versa, make yourself less available to your DB and not be so accommodating when he needs something. You can’t force family to spend time with you, but you can take control of the situation and apply equality to reduce the resentment. I’d also show a distinct lack of interest when your parents speak to you about the party, not least because you’ve hopefully had an amazing evening elsewhere 🥂🍾

BigSandyBalls2015 · 30/12/2021 09:30

Bit strange. Do the DCs get on?

I used to have neighbours over for parties when all our DCs were younger but didn't include one lot as her DD bullied mine at school and it would have made DDs evening a misery. I really liked the mum and I'd had numerous conversations with her about it, and with school, but she was very much of the opinion that it was '6 of one and half a dozen of the other'. School said the opposite.

Beautiful3 · 30/12/2021 09:31

Stop doing him favours. You're letting yourself be used.

BorsetshireBanality · 30/12/2021 09:32

Any party this year could be a Covid spreading event.

Just don’t be doing their shopping and school runs after!

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/12/2021 09:34

It sounds as if at this stage you potentially have nothing to lose. In this case, it would be good for your self esteem to say something to them Ie as your brother why you are not invited. Have you even talked to your parents about it?

Looneytune253 · 30/12/2021 09:42

Do they invite your parents? To be honest it sounds like she's just wanting to spend tine with her own family which is fair enough. Unless they're actually mean in other ways I would ignore it. I'm guessing they don't invite your parents either?

Ileflottante · 30/12/2021 09:42

Sounds like he doesn’t think very much of you, knows you’ll do him favours and be the whipping boy, but doesn’t particularly like and certainly doesn’t respect you enough to include you in things like parties. Stop all the favours. Are you trying to get him to like you? It won’t work. Frankly, I’d be inclined to tell him to fuck off and concentrate my energies on people who were decent.

JacquelineCarlyle · 30/12/2021 09:50

This is very odd especially given you live so close to each other.

I'd have to ask why but if I felt unable to, then I'd definitely go very low contact and certainly stop doing any favours.

ESGdance · 30/12/2021 09:55

Your DB has always been a bully and always will be. I suspect he loves the fact you aren’t invited and the “kids running around” comment is to goad you and see you flinch.

Don’t give it to him. Don’t ask him - he’s desperate for you to - so that he can gloat and tease and humiliate you further.

However it’s the bystanders in life I detest even more than the pathologically nasty - where are your DPs in all of this? Do they keep quiet about it to facilitate his passive aggressive abuse of you? Because their silence is also collusion with him. I would tell them directly that you have been excluded and ask what they think of that.

Turn your back on these people, detach - do nothing for him. Enjoy your year long reward of not being available / having other plans / being busy and saying No to him. That’s where you will get your emotional growth - taking yourself out of his sphere. Never wrestle with a pig.

FetchezLaVache · 30/12/2021 09:58

I was going to make the same suggestion as @BooksAndGin - ring him up and ask him what time they want you round tomorrow evening! And at the very least, be busy every time they want a childcare favour.

Original poster
usauk · 30/12/2021 09:59

I like holding barbecues which everyone is invited to - no one is excluded and they all come. It’s just if I stop by I am kept at the door. He tries to put me off coming if I phone and say I want to drop off the nieces birthday or Christmas gifts. SIL relatives are there night and day which I see as we need to pass the house when we leave ours. Parents acknowledge what he’s like and my dad has challenged him about the way he treated my DD on one occasion in particular but it makes no difference.

OP posts:
Pamlar · 30/12/2021 10:01

My brother and sil like to keep us at a distance. Love to get to get together when it suits them and for babysitting but prefer it all on their terms. I have learnt to do the same.
My brother is super popular among family and friends just not esp interested in me.
I have my own family now. I don't have time to try and win his approval. I only do what suits me and am aware they do all sorts without us, free world etc.
Still hurts but not as much.

ESGdance · 30/12/2021 10:02

He’s a thug.

Wow - how can you have anything to do with someone who treated your DD bad?

What was that all about? Was it resolved?

notanothertakeaway · 30/12/2021 10:17

@ESGdance

Your DB has always been a bully and always will be. I suspect he loves the fact you aren’t invited and the “kids running around” comment is to goad you and see you flinch.

Don’t give it to him. Don’t ask him - he’s desperate for you to - so that he can gloat and tease and humiliate you further.

However it’s the bystanders in life I detest even more than the pathologically nasty - where are your DPs in all of this? Do they keep quiet about it to facilitate his passive aggressive abuse of you? Because their silence is also collusion with him. I would tell them directly that you have been excluded and ask what they think of that.

Turn your back on these people, detach - do nothing for him. Enjoy your year long reward of not being available / having other plans / being busy and saying No to him. That’s where you will get your emotional growth - taking yourself out of his sphere. Never wrestle with a pig.

I don't agree with this approach

Your DB and SIL are entitled to socialise with whoever they like. Yes it hurts to be left out, but you have to accept that. Probably sensible to recalibrate the relationship in your own head, feel less obligated to help them out. In other words, maintain a relationship but at their level, so it's not one sided

Totalwasteofpaper · 30/12/2021 10:25

Look he isnt interested except on his own terms and to use you for his convenience. That his (sad) choice.

You can only address your own behaviour.

Personally i would drop the rope entirely.

This means....
you don't drop round to their house. ever.
dont text unless replying to something
dont help them out / lend them things / go out of your way for them
don't let you mum or dad guilt you in to helping them out
dont offer, or if requested be available, to babysit.
send the kids cards for Bday and Xmas with a tenner in
get your Brother and SIL a cards only for Bday and Xmas that read ^"To X &/or Y, from, ESG" for Xmas and birthdays"

phishy · 30/12/2021 10:28

@usauk

I like holding barbecues which everyone is invited to - no one is excluded and they all come. It’s just if I stop by I am kept at the door. He tries to put me off coming if I phone and say I want to drop off the nieces birthday or Christmas gifts. SIL relatives are there night and day which I see as we need to pass the house when we leave ours. Parents acknowledge what he’s like and my dad has challenged him about the way he treated my DD on one occasion in particular but it makes no difference.
This man was a bully to you as a child, why are you still running around after him?

Stop the presents for the nieces
Stop the childcare
Stop inviting them to tour barbeques or anything else
Tell him to take his motorcycle back or his other crap

Just ignore them.