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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DB doesn’t invite us to New Years Eve Parties

263 replies

usauk · 30/12/2021 07:38

DB and DSIL live one street away from us. They have NYE party every year and invite all SIL family and my parents but never myself, DH or children. We have done so much for them including child care and he phones me New Years Day to wish us Happy New Year without mentioning the party. I know about it because my parents tell me. It’s coming up to the time again. AIBU to feel used and hurt?

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 30/12/2021 17:40

@Evilcountspatula

As others have said, the really odd thing is that your parents don’t appear to have your back over this. How is your relationship with them generally OP? I find it a bit strange that they haven’t asked your brother about your lack of an invite, and that you haven’t raised the subject with them - when they tell you about it, do you not feel you can ask?
It’s not odd if the brother is a golden child like mine is. It is just accepted and expected that I will be bullied, abused, treated and talked to like shit until I get upset and blamed. I don’t take the bait anymore, am NC from him. My brother can do no wrong. If he killed me, I am pretty sure my mother would stand by him.
IWentAwayIStayedAway · 30/12/2021 18:18

Fuck that. Wouldnt answer phone to him or SIL ever again. Id be having a conversation with your parents about their behavior. Cant ever imagine going to a party 500m from another one of my children that hadnt been invited!!

saltinesandcoffeecups · 30/12/2021 18:39

This is very odd. If you don’t feel comfortable asking on your own behalf can you ask for us?

“DB… was just having a chat with my friend and I mentioned how you never invite us for your NYE party. I’m not bothered since it’s been several years now, but friend was dead curious and is making me ask. I tried telling her that you all perform ritualistic turnip seances, but she thinks that doesn’t sound likely… so what’s the deal so she quits bugging me. Oh- Prudie says hi btw”

Even if you don’t get the real answer I am curious about what the response would be

Solongtoshort · 30/12/2021 19:11

I have just come back from my parents, where l asked my sister what she is doing for new year, are you having your usual party. She has had this the last 5 years and never invited us, She said l am actually she didn’t follow with would you like to come, my dad said why don’t you come this year, l said l have never come as l have never been invited but l have plans anyway. I wanted to just say something as every year l am sick of seeing a picture on Facebook titled new year with the family like l don’t exsist.

EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 30/12/2021 19:58

l am sick of seeing a picture on Facebook titled new year with the family like l don’t exsist.

This is so common. I don't believe that the people who do this, knowing that there are family members who are never asked, are truly doing this in ignorance and without the intention of causing pain but fairly secure that they can never be called upon it. And, if they challenged, they're confident that they can DARVO it by sheer force of numbers and retrospectively justify that someone was never asked because they're such troublemakers and so disruptive .

Evilcountspatula · 30/12/2021 21:01

So sorry to hear that @Mummyoflittledragon, that sounds so awful Sad.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/12/2021 21:14

Thanks @Evilcountspatula. I am much more at peace since going nc a few years ago. I’m now back in therapy.

Cherrytart23 · 30/12/2021 21:27

My sil does this I don't take offence tho as she is a strange person definitely has some issues going on. Db doesn't invite us as he's not fussed on parties and spends his time hiding upstairs on his computer.

ESGdance · 30/12/2021 21:42

@EmbarrassingHadrosaurus

l am sick of seeing a picture on Facebook titled new year with the family like l don’t exsist.

This is so common. I don't believe that the people who do this, knowing that there are family members who are never asked, are truly doing this in ignorance and without the intention of causing pain but fairly secure that they can never be called upon it. And, if they challenged, they're confident that they can DARVO it by sheer force of numbers and retrospectively justify that someone was never asked because they're such troublemakers and so disruptive .

This happened in my family - in the first 6 months of going NC after a huge exclusion my DSis posted a group shot of all my siblings at a party entitled “all the xxx’s back together” - she then changed her what’s app photo to a group photo of all 4 siblings (without me) this is a grown woman in her 50s with a husband and an adult child playing passive aggressive nonsense on social media with her siblings.
BluebellsareBlue · 30/12/2021 21:48

Look, I know how difficult it is to go. I contact or low contact, my dad is an absolute bastard to me, a bully, controlling the lot, and has been all of my life but he's all I've got now (apart from my son who has learned his traits). What really does he bring to your life? I bet it's not much, please think next time you have to take his kids or whatever, never mind how much you love them, that YOUR mental health matters, it matters to YOUR kids! I think you might be busy that day, or have a lot on just now, or no, kids aren't feeling great so you can't have them. Start small, let him know you aren't going to be walked over x I feel your pain, it's so, so hard, I always acquiesce with my dad, if I had the strength I'd just say no, I'm busy, please try and distance yourself x

WildNorthEast · 30/12/2021 22:34

Maybe your personality doesn't match to his/her idea of a party. Do you have fun together with them normally? Not sure how to put this nicely, could they see you as a bit of a party pooper?

Original poster
usauk · 31/12/2021 07:46

Again, thank you for all your replies. It’s heartening to know that I am not the only one this type of thing happens to. I do wish the parents would have asked why I wasn’t invited when everyone else is. I’ll wait and see what happens this New Year then I’ll start taking action

OP posts:
KarmaStar · 31/12/2021 09:38

Have a bigger better party!😊

EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 31/12/2021 10:09

@WildNorthEast

Maybe your personality doesn't match to his/her idea of a party. Do you have fun together with them normally? Not sure how to put this nicely, could they see you as a bit of a party pooper?
What an unusual perspective. On MN I often read that you have to invite family even when they steal, get drunk, fight, take class A while notionally in charge of children etc. but "bit of a party pooper" and that's an adequate reason for an entire set of family to develop a blindspot about invitations and how a party is spoken about.
WildNorthEast · 31/12/2021 10:36

A bit strange, yes, but I thought maybe that's why they all covered for the brother, because having Debbie downer at a party can ruin everyone's fun.

Original poster
usauk · 31/12/2021 10:45

Honestly, I’m no Debbie Downer.

The reason Im asking for everyone’s opinion is because going no/low contact means I will rarely/never see my nieces and my DC won’t know their cousins

OP posts:
EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 31/12/2021 11:04

@WildNorthEast

A bit strange, yes, but I thought maybe that's why they all covered for the brother, because having Debbie downer at a party can ruin everyone's fun.
I find this intriguing. The backstory implies the existence of a Golden Child. Relative to the Golden Child, the presence of everyone else (except for the Golden Child's children) is pretty much superfluous to requirements. The Golden Child needs some audience and people need to compete for Golden Child's attention—people who don't do that might well be categorised as Downers.

It's very common. As is the attribution of some unspoken fault/flaw to the person who is not invited to the general adoration but is adequate for roles such as babysitter and member of the support network to which Golden Child is entitled.

Similarly, it's not uncommon for the sober person in a family of alcoholics to be derided as a Downer. The truth of that statement often turns on perspective rather than actual behaviour.

WildMaryBerriesWithBrandyCream · 31/12/2021 11:10

It would probably be sad to see less of their cousins but that might be better than them seeing their mother accepting very poor treatment from her family?

TempName01 · 31/12/2021 11:20

Are you sure you were never invited? Could it be that there was a miscommunication years ago about your invite or you have given them some impression that you wouldn’t want to go? Have you never invited your parents for new year?

Howshouldibehave · 31/12/2021 11:25

How often do you see them and in what situations-who invites who/where do you go?

I wouldn’t go low contact just because of the New Year’s Eve party. I would stop doing childcare for him though!

sweetheartyparty · 31/12/2021 11:30

Yanbu.
I would turn up and say that you assumed you were invited. Their response will tell you what you need to know. At least if you're not welcome, it might be fun to watch them squirm. Then no more favours at all

Ponoka7 · 31/12/2021 11:33

Is the dynamic strange between you and your parents? I couldn't imagine not asking why my other child wasn't there. I immediately ask if my sister is invited when my DDs invites me to something. I'm wondering if there's an element of him not wanting the strange atmosphere that you and them would bring.
Have you definitely never done anything against your SIL? Do you drink, join in and are your children easy to manage?

georgarina · 31/12/2021 11:40

toxic family dynamic x1000.

you feel pushed out so you try to compensate by doing more, which only causes them to treat you worse.

the others don't do anything because it's not directly affecting them so they don't want to bother making an issue and cause a drama or become a target.

definitely no more favours for 'd'b who sounds narcissistic, and no emotional drama - just rationally explain what's going on if you're the one who's blamed (and you might/probably will be - people want an easy life so if you detach they might try and guilt you by saying nothing's wrong/he doesn't mean it/you're the one causing the problem).

it's hard to disentangle yourself from a longstanding family dynamic but just stop seeking approval from db and accept you will never get it - so no more favours or childcare.

nzborn · 31/12/2021 12:10

Hope you have a lovely New Years eve with your family tonight ( don't mean brother etc ).

Original poster
usauk · 31/12/2021 12:21

Georgarina

Yes I believe he’s narcissistic. He has always kept me at arms length and prioritises his in-laws every bit as much as SIL which is a lot.
For example they used to live 5 hours away for several years and I was never invite but they would land on me uninvited on a regular basis.

OP posts: