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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DB doesn’t invite us to New Years Eve Parties

263 replies

usauk · 30/12/2021 07:38

DB and DSIL live one street away from us. They have NYE party every year and invite all SIL family and my parents but never myself, DH or children. We have done so much for them including child care and he phones me New Years Day to wish us Happy New Year without mentioning the party. I know about it because my parents tell me. It’s coming up to the time again. AIBU to feel used and hurt?

OP posts:
PrimalIceScreamer · 30/12/2021 13:16

I would be tempted to ask him how the party was last night too - to make him squirm a bit!

Definitely reign it in. He;ll miss you more than you will miss him.

As for other people's opinions - don't give them a second thought as their opinions shouldn't matter - especially if they don't even bother to talk to you about it and instead whisper behind your back. People like your parents, DH, BF etc will know what you are really like and will not judge you because they understand your feelings and experiences with your DB. Those are the ones that count.

Wotagain · 30/12/2021 13:18

I also despair at every poster that thinks the parents are somehow complicit or culpable.
Assuming the poster and her brother are fully grown adults they are the only ones responsible for navigating their relationship and they don’t need ‘ mummy and daddy’ to intervene as if they were kids squabbling over a toy.

StEval · 30/12/2021 13:24

@Wotagain

I also despair at every poster that thinks the parents are somehow complicit or culpable. Assuming the poster and her brother are fully grown adults they are the only ones responsible for navigating their relationship and they don’t need ‘ mummy and daddy’ to intervene as if they were kids squabbling over a toy.
I think that you probably dont have experience of toxic family dynamics. Its hard to understand if you have supportive,loving parents.
daisychain01 · 30/12/2021 13:24

That May be the case, Wotagain but they are quite frankly utterly clueless talKing about going to the DBs party when it's literally 500metres from the OPsn door. You'd at least keep a tactful silence ad not add fuel to the fire. They dont sound either bright or socially switched on.

A580Hojas · 30/12/2021 13:28

@LethargicActress

Is it a full on party with friends and family invited or is it just sil hosting her family for NYE and there’s enough of them that it looks like a ‘party’.

There’s a difference.

This is what I'm wondering. If it's SIL's idea to invite her family and your db just has to go along with it because that's what she wants to do then I'm afraid yabu. She might be inviting your parents as a token gesture?

It all depends what sort of "party" it is tbh.

zingally · 30/12/2021 13:38

He's your brother - talk to him.

Alternatively, just stop being so available to him.

Seedandyarn · 30/12/2021 13:39

If you are good enough for childcare you are good enough to invite to a family party. Stop being so available to them in future.

EerieSilence · 30/12/2021 13:39

@usauk, your AIBU is essentially where you should continue being a doormat or not.
Stop it. You are being used. You are the little silly sister who will do everything her big brother asks her for because you're a pushover.
Go very LC or NC with them. No more minding. Find your own circle of friends who appreciate you. Make it your priority new year's commitment to stop being used.

SarahBellam · 30/12/2021 13:40

Any other year I’d phone and cheerily say, “Hey, I hear mum and dad are going to yours for a party tomorrow night. Can we come too? It sounds great’.

Looubylou · 30/12/2021 13:45

I agree with ShinyHappyPoster. It's not that odd. Doesn't mean you have to put up with a load of other crap though. I wouldn't go NC, just grow a backbone and don't be so obliging and available. Your nieces are innocent in this scenario, and don't deserve to suddenly lose Aunt and cousins. I'd still invite them round - at your convenience.

ChiefStockingStuffer · 30/12/2021 13:48

You've spent years chasing your bully. Why?

Stop providing childcare for him. Or her. He'll have her ask if you refuse to engage.
Stop doing him favours.
Stop all of it!
Stop buying his children presents.
Just stop.

Perhaps get some counselling for what you continue to allow him to treat you like the (un)paid help, only contacting you when he wants something (childcare, a reminder that his kids want presents from you, etc).

You deserve better.

PGSTesting123 · 30/12/2021 13:51

OP if you have any self respect stop the childcare!!

Don't buy their kids gifts unless they get your kids gifts - do they?

Only get similar priced gifts as to the ones they give yours.

He doesn't like you
He sees you as dirt
Happy you use you as sees you as a doormat

I imagine he isn't the only that uses you

I really hope that you will stop being used from now on

irene9 · 30/12/2021 14:06

Is there more history here than you have said? You say he's a bully.
What is the history of your relationship between himself and you, and his wife and yourself?
Why don't your parents ask him why you guys are not invited?
It seems like all of you just presume a lot about what others are thinking then take action on that, rather than actually talking to each other.
You'll go non contact now without even discussing or finding out the facts.
Why don't you say to him - 'hey, if you are having a NY's thing, can we come?'
If you can't say that to him, then you already have a troubled relationship. But you seem to think you don't have a troubled relationship with him or them.

Benjispruce5 · 30/12/2021 14:08

Very, very odd . Really odd that your party tell you with no hint of guilt. I’d have to say something.

Benjispruce5 · 30/12/2021 14:08

Parents not party

Benjispruce5 · 30/12/2021 14:10

I think I’d have a couple of glasses of wine for courage and rock up at the party like everyone else. Are they going to turn you away?

Viviennemary · 30/12/2021 14:11

Its cheeky. Dont do him any favours.

WildMaryBerriesWithBrandyCream · 30/12/2021 14:23

He pretends to you that there was no party (just kids up late) and is unaware that you know about it?

If so - he is not leaving you out to upset you. (Leaving you in ingnorance would spoil any fun in that) He would let you see pictures/hear about how good it was etc. if he wanted to make you feel bad.

Why else could he want you left out? Is it to do with your relationship with SIL? (This would explain why he avoids letting you in very often.)

Anyway - you could confront him with your knowledge and ask why you aren't invited (when he happily comes to your parties).

Or you could drop something off at his house on NYEve and 'discover' the secret party - then suddenly become unavailable to him for babysitting- BBQ holding etc. afterwards.

Or you could just accept that this is a relationship that doesn't work - and go low contact. Don't include his family in your events.

2Rebecca · 30/12/2021 14:43

It sounds as though he isn't keen on your company for some reason, but then it sounds as though you don't enjoy his company either so I'd reframe the party noninvite as 2 people who don't really get on not having to spend time together. See less of him, don't drop round only arrange to go if you need something and don't expect anything from him.

StEval · 30/12/2021 15:03

@WildMaryBerriesWithBrandyCream

He pretends to you that there was no party (just kids up late) and is unaware that you know about it?

If so - he is not leaving you out to upset you. (Leaving you in ingnorance would spoil any fun in that) He would let you see pictures/hear about how good it was etc. if he wanted to make you feel bad.

Why else could he want you left out? Is it to do with your relationship with SIL? (This would explain why he avoids letting you in very often.)

Anyway - you could confront him with your knowledge and ask why you aren't invited (when he happily comes to your parties).

Or you could drop something off at his house on NYEve and 'discover' the secret party - then suddenly become unavailable to him for babysitting- BBQ holding etc. afterwards.

Or you could just accept that this is a relationship that doesn't work - and go low contact. Don't include his family in your events.

I think given the whole picture the Op paints, that he is doing this deliberately but the DM is his messenger. This means he avoids the consequences of a confrontation whilst getting his message across. Its very very sneaky and subtle " you are not good enough" but very cleverly hes controlling everyone in the family. They wont challenge him as they are frightened of being excluded also. Clever and absolutely awful.
Evilcountspatula · 30/12/2021 15:32

As others have said, the really odd thing is that your parents don’t appear to have your back over this. How is your relationship with them generally OP? I find it a bit strange that they haven’t asked your brother about your lack of an invite, and that you haven’t raised the subject with them - when they tell you about it, do you not feel you can ask?

Geppili · 30/12/2021 15:36

What the hell do your parents think? Is your DB the Golden child and are you the scapegoat? It sounds horrible and toxic. What is your SIL like?

Sloth66 · 30/12/2021 15:41

You are good enough to use for free favours, childcare etc, but not good enough to invite to his social gatherings.
He sounds a spiteful user, with rather a manipulative cruel streak.
No more favours, go low contact and hopefully get decent people into your life who will appreciate you.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 30/12/2021 15:56

I don't understand why you haven't just asked him about it.

"Having a party again this year?"

gorseinon · 30/12/2021 16:19

@A580Hojas if your hunch is correct, I'd guess DB will volunteer that if he has the opportunity.

OP YANBU to be upset.