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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DB doesn’t invite us to New Years Eve Parties

263 replies

usauk · 30/12/2021 07:38

DB and DSIL live one street away from us. They have NYE party every year and invite all SIL family and my parents but never myself, DH or children. We have done so much for them including child care and he phones me New Years Day to wish us Happy New Year without mentioning the party. I know about it because my parents tell me. It’s coming up to the time again. AIBU to feel used and hurt?

OP posts:
Skiptheheartsandflowers · 30/12/2021 10:34

@ESGdance

Your DB has always been a bully and always will be. I suspect he loves the fact you aren’t invited and the “kids running around” comment is to goad you and see you flinch.

Don’t give it to him. Don’t ask him - he’s desperate for you to - so that he can gloat and tease and humiliate you further.

However it’s the bystanders in life I detest even more than the pathologically nasty - where are your DPs in all of this? Do they keep quiet about it to facilitate his passive aggressive abuse of you? Because their silence is also collusion with him. I would tell them directly that you have been excluded and ask what they think of that.

Turn your back on these people, detach - do nothing for him. Enjoy your year long reward of not being available / having other plans / being busy and saying No to him. That’s where you will get your emotional growth - taking yourself out of his sphere. Never wrestle with a pig.

I think this nails it. Do this.
Mummyoflittledragon · 30/12/2021 10:36

@usauk

I like holding barbecues which everyone is invited to - no one is excluded and they all come. It’s just if I stop by I am kept at the door. He tries to put me off coming if I phone and say I want to drop off the nieces birthday or Christmas gifts. SIL relatives are there night and day which I see as we need to pass the house when we leave ours. Parents acknowledge what he’s like and my dad has challenged him about the way he treated my DD on one occasion in particular but it makes no difference.
After this update, you really have nothing to lose to challenge the behaviour yourself. Either way, I would stop investing time in them. This could be your brother, who dislikes you, her or both. I am nc from my brother as he’s violent to me and vile. Your father, at least has challenged him. Perhaps your parents are afraid of going against him further for fear of being shunned themselves. I have finally discovered the nicer you are to vile people, the more they will view you as weak and abuse you.
LethargicActress · 30/12/2021 10:39

Is it a full on party with friends and family invited or is it just sil hosting her family for NYE and there’s enough of them that it looks like a ‘party’.

There’s a difference.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/12/2021 10:40

I forgot to add, the last time we spent much time in my brother and Sil’s presence, I had to take dd at least 3 times to the bedroom to talk to her about what they were saying to her as they were not nice at all. She was 7 and I vowed it was the last time.

CharityDingle · 30/12/2021 10:51

@ESGdance

Your DB has always been a bully and always will be. I suspect he loves the fact you aren’t invited and the “kids running around” comment is to goad you and see you flinch.

Don’t give it to him. Don’t ask him - he’s desperate for you to - so that he can gloat and tease and humiliate you further.

However it’s the bystanders in life I detest even more than the pathologically nasty - where are your DPs in all of this? Do they keep quiet about it to facilitate his passive aggressive abuse of you? Because their silence is also collusion with him. I would tell them directly that you have been excluded and ask what they think of that.

Turn your back on these people, detach - do nothing for him. Enjoy your year long reward of not being available / having other plans / being busy and saying No to him. That’s where you will get your emotional growth - taking yourself out of his sphere. Never wrestle with a pig.

@ESGdance speaks fantastic sense, as always. Please, OP, do this. He won't change, he was and is a bully. Take away his power to hurt and taunt you.
EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 30/12/2021 10:53

There will be a backstory to justify this behaviour in their own minds. They will all know and so should you.

It won't be rational, consistent, or bear a passing resemblance to what's actually happened at any point. But, there will be a reason that none of them every questions and it's obviously wholly unreasonable if you were to ask them to reflect upon the status quo and how you all got here with noone raising it before now. In fact, the more they think about it, the more it's your fault for not raising it before now if you're so unhappy about it.

That's my script draft. Anyone else?

Mooserp · 30/12/2021 10:54

It's rude, but would you even want to go if they are so unpleasant?

If you are doing things for him that you would rather not do, then I'd suggest you gradually stop doing them.

VestaTilley · 30/12/2021 10:57

It’s odd and rude. Is your DH a bit socially awkward or inclined to say rude things? Are your DC sometimes a bit wild?

Even if he is (or you are) they shouldn’t exclude you when you live a street away - it’s the height of bad manners. I’d ask him outright - and stop doing favours for them!

StEval · 30/12/2021 11:05

@ESGdance

Your DB has always been a bully and always will be. I suspect he loves the fact you aren’t invited and the “kids running around” comment is to goad you and see you flinch.

Don’t give it to him. Don’t ask him - he’s desperate for you to - so that he can gloat and tease and humiliate you further.

However it’s the bystanders in life I detest even more than the pathologically nasty - where are your DPs in all of this? Do they keep quiet about it to facilitate his passive aggressive abuse of you? Because their silence is also collusion with him. I would tell them directly that you have been excluded and ask what they think of that.

Turn your back on these people, detach - do nothing for him. Enjoy your year long reward of not being available / having other plans / being busy and saying No to him. That’s where you will get your emotional growth - taking yourself out of his sphere. Never wrestle with a pig.

Great post! Your DB is the Golden child here. Your Dp are enabling his abuse of you by not doing anything. Hes treating you really badly and you are allowing it by doing stuff for him while hes shitty to you. No b8g dramatics -they willblame you. Withdraw and decide howmuch contactyou want with him. I would keep it minimal, no babysitting, favours etc. Look up toxic family dynamics and your eyes willbe opened to whats going on.
TheHoptimist · 30/12/2021 11:11

Invite them to yours for nye and see what they say

Phobiaphobic · 30/12/2021 11:26

@ESGdance

Your DB has always been a bully and always will be. I suspect he loves the fact you aren’t invited and the “kids running around” comment is to goad you and see you flinch.

Don’t give it to him. Don’t ask him - he’s desperate for you to - so that he can gloat and tease and humiliate you further.

However it’s the bystanders in life I detest even more than the pathologically nasty - where are your DPs in all of this? Do they keep quiet about it to facilitate his passive aggressive abuse of you? Because their silence is also collusion with him. I would tell them directly that you have been excluded and ask what they think of that.

Turn your back on these people, detach - do nothing for him. Enjoy your year long reward of not being available / having other plans / being busy and saying No to him. That’s where you will get your emotional growth - taking yourself out of his sphere. Never wrestle with a pig.

Agree with all of this, including confronting the people enabling his behaviour. All too often bad behaviour is perpetuated by no one ever bringing it out into the light.
wheretonow123 · 30/12/2021 11:27

Don't be available for the call or if you do take it ask up front if he had a party last night or ask how he brought in the New Year.

I agree with others, this is not a year for anyone to be going to NYE parties, especially your elderly parents.

billy1966 · 30/12/2021 11:30

@ESGdance

He’s a thug.

Wow - how can you have anything to do with someone who treated your DD bad?

What was that all about? Was it resolved?

You need to raise that bar a LOT higher.

Stop being used.

Original poster
usauk · 30/12/2021 11:31

Thanks everyone for your replies. I have been feeling I should go low or no contact with them. Just wondered how people see this behaviour from the outside. Obviously no one is perfect and I certainly am not but I don’t see him and his wife ever being any different towards us.

OP posts:
Howshouldibehave · 30/12/2021 11:34

There will be a reason.

How old are his kids/your kids/the other cousins? Why did he have to speak to your DD one time?

StEval · 30/12/2021 11:36

@usauk

Thanks everyone for your replies. I have been feeling I should go low or no contact with them. Just wondered how people see this behaviour from the outside. Obviously no one is perfect and I certainly am not but I don’t see him and his wife ever being any different towards us.
Absolutely go LC . What is happening here is a toxic family dynamic in which all the toxic behaviours are taken out on one person,you, the scapegoat. Thats your pre determined role in the family.

Quietly create distance, stop being available.
Bear in mind that its likely your DM will try to drag you back in by guilt tripping.

Dreamstate · 30/12/2021 11:37

Wow. I'd just cut him out of my life. What value is he adding, absolutely none! He might be blood but that doesn't mean you have to be forced to maintain some relationship with someone if they are ao toxic.

New year, new toxic free life. I'd be blocking numbers and if your parents bring him up in conversation just say that's nice and chnage the conversation.

HollowTalk · 30/12/2021 11:37

I would go extremely low contact with them. I wouldn't do any favours for them at all. Screen any calls - if they're asking for favours, send a text back saying you can't do it. They are users, OP, and your brother is still a bully.

StEval · 30/12/2021 11:39

There will be a reason
The usual reason for this type of behaviour is a toxic family dynamic.
I bet the Op has spent ages examining every interaction, racking her brain for what she said or did that was wrong
Nothing is the answer here.
Absolutely nothing

EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 30/12/2021 11:43

@StEval

There will be a reason The usual reason for this type of behaviour is a toxic family dynamic. I bet the Op has spent ages examining every interaction, racking her brain for what she said or did that was wrong Nothing is the answer here. Absolutely nothing
That's why I wrote:

It won't be rational, consistent, or bear a passing resemblance to what's actually happened at any point. But, there will be a reason that none of them ever questions and it's obviously wholly unreasonable if you were to ask them to reflect upon the status quo and how you all got here with noone raising it before now. In fact, the more they think about it, the more it's your fault for not raising it before now if you're so unhappy about it.

That's my script draft. Anyone else?

TillyTopper · 30/12/2021 11:48

No way would I be looking after their kids or doing so much for them! Perhaps re-assess your relationship with them in 2022 and make it more of a two-way street, and distance yourself.

StEval · 30/12/2021 11:51

I was replying to @Howshouldibehave

Im not really sure what you are suggesting?
I shouldnt have replied Confused

StEval · 30/12/2021 11:51

@EmbarrassingHadrosaurus sorry

ESGdance · 30/12/2021 11:57

@EmbarrassingHadrosaurus and @StEval I agree - there will be decades of entrenched, distorted and intransigent behaviours in this enmeshed system when everyone fawns over the popular bully (in fear) and any suggested deviation from their justification script or spotlight on their behaviour will be petrol on the fire and bully’s love the opportunity for a huge fight to win.

Words are futile. You know what he is.

Actions. Enjoy detaching and saying No and fill your time and headspace with reciprocal friends and family.

What’s your DMs role in all of this?

Marmite17 · 30/12/2021 12:01

Think I would just ask him tbh. Seems really strange if you get on generally.