DB doesn’t invite us to New Years Eve Parties

[usauk]

DB and DSIL live one street away from us. They have NYE party every year and invite all SIL family and my parents but never myself, DH or children. We have done so much for them including child care and he phones me New Years Day to wish us Happy New Year without mentioning the party. I know about it because my parents tell me. It’s coming up to the time again. AIBU to feel used and hurt?

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe

Do you entertain and have them over too? The thing with entertaining is that its usually reciprocal.

So's childcare...

Absolutely go low or no contact. I wouldn't bother asking him about him, I wouldn't want to give him the satisfaction. Just withdraw all favours now, drop your neices presents off at your parents if you still want to buy for them. Basically, just be completely unavailable to them.

Why are your parents not getting involved here?

'What you permit, you promote'

@usauk

Thanks everyone for your replies. I have been feeling I should go low or no contact with them. Just wondered how people see this behaviour from the outside. Obviously no one is perfect and I certainly am not but I don’t see him and his wife ever being any different towards us.

When he calls you on NYD, sim4ask "How was the party last night?". Enjoy his reaction.

Fact is, he probably favours his wife's side of the family because doing so gives him an easier life. You are useful when needed. He is all about the easy life. What suits him best.

Definitely go low contact. Give yourself time and space to reassess the relationship. No drama, just quietly withdraw.

I’d go low or no contact OP

Just be on guard when you do stop the favours,your parents will probably pressure you to not stop.
The dynamic suits them.
I'd look at it this way since he's the golden child he can look after them in their dotage.
See how that goes down.

I would agree with most posters that it's time to reset your relationship with your brother.

He sees you as convenient and cheap childcare and nothing more. All you need to do is say that the arrangement will no longer work for you from the New Year and they need to get alternative arrangements sorted out.

If he asks just say that you have realised that you are doing a lot of free childcare for him that is limiting what you and your family can do and you don't really have the kind of relationship with him that justifies putting yourself out like that anymore. He'll either get the hint or just continue to be shit towards you, either way you have got nothing to lose.

I certainly wouldn't run to your parents, they've already shown that they are totally ineffective at dealing with his bad behaviour.

I’m horrified at your parents telling you all about it, even attending! I like to think that my parents would not go if I wasn’t invited. Have you tackled them about this?

They have NYE party every year and invite all SIL family and my parents but never myself, DH or children. We have done so much for them including child care and he phones me New Years Day to wish us Happy New Year without mentioning the party.

If they do this every year, why are you so desperate to do so much for them and provide childcare.

If you allow people to walk all over you, why be surprised when they do.

Your parents may well put pressure on you to continue being their skivvy, so be ready.

Your parents sound pretty awful too for promoting this behaviour.

Leave their elder care to your brother.
Good time to step back if they have facilitated your bullying which sounds like they have.

Have you ever considered just moving that bit further away?

There are no words.

Of course he's popular, people like that are - everyone thinks he's the life and soul, fantastic company yada yada, but that's because he invites them to his parties, is on his best behaviour and is generous with his time and attention, meanwhile he's neglecting you, turning his back on his family and using you as a convenience when it suits him. People who know him socially don't see that side, only the polished shiny side that he chooses to flash at his convenience.

The fact he lives a few paces away from you, makes him a despicable turd.

Stop helping them. They are obviously using you .

@Cherrysoup

I’m horrified at your parents telling you all about it, even attending! I like to think that my parents would not go if I wasn’t invited. Have you tackled them about this?

I'm surprised that they don't post photographs about how lovely it was to be with everyone and this wonderful family get-together at such a significant occasion, tbh. That's normally the way that such situations play out.

You've been asked why you haven't asked him why you are not invited? Can you answer? Why have you never asked him?

Then again, do you actually want more contact with him?

Why don’t you just ask? I would. Let it be known that you are aware that you haven’t been invited rather than them think they are successfully mugging you off.

@usauk
Do you actually enjoy each other’s company? So for example do you both Meet up for a coffee/beer/chat outside of dealing with your mutual nephews and nieces? Do you think of them both as friends, people you can have a laugh or a cry with, on the same wavelength ?
If the answer is no, then why would you want to hang out with people you don’t like just because it’s your brother and his wife?

YANBU. Stop looking after the their children so much. Sounds like they never return the favour so probably using you for free childcare.

I would definitely go no contact. I wouldn’t tell them or your parents your plan, just implement it and enjoy this not hanging over you.

When it’s your nieces birthday buy and wrap a present as usual but keep it at your house. When they ask about it say it’s at your house ready for them to collect, your point will be made without you having to say or doing anything.

Sounds like an awful user.
It's no reflection on you op, you seem lovely especially helping him with his childcare.
I would definitely cut all contact and stop the favours, if he asks say you don't feel appreciated and feel excluded.

[quote Wotagain]@usauk
Do you actually enjoy each other’s company? So for example do you both Meet up for a coffee/beer/chat outside of dealing with your mutual nephews and nieces? Do you think of them both as friends, people you can have a laugh or a cry with, on the same wavelength ?
If the answer is no, then why would you want to hang out with people you don’t like just because it’s your brother and his wife?[/quote]
This.

I get on really well with one of my siblings-we have a very similar sense of humour, get together regularly, our spouses get on, we have shared friends, the kids are the same age, we like the same films/food/activities. My other sibling has kids of a different age to ours, spouse is a bit odd, we have v different incomes/interests and we have much less in common/to talk about, so we tend not to see them as much.

The childcare is a different matter though-why do you do it?

Your relationship with him seems unbalanced and there are obvious issues.
But NYE sounds like SIL hosts her family and feels obliged to invite her parents-in-law. I don't think it's that odd not to invite you. I have quite a close relationship with my DB but I could absolutely see that if SIL was hosting her family, he might feel he had to invite our parents (when they were still alive) but that he wouldn't invite his siblings because it's SIL's family gathering iyswim.

Your parents are culpable bystanders, watching by as their golden child excludes their other child from family events, and then tells you all about what a great time they all had.

I've heard of some very warped and twisted behaviour in my time but this gets the prize.

Please stop being a doormat by chasing after him and his family.

Put very bluntly OP give ZERO fucks, those fucks ran out and there are none left. Don't give a stuff if others judge your behaviour, do what's right for you. If you keep going back to him time after time despite his abuse, you are enabling his behaviour and making him think he's entitled to your adoration, and needs do nothing to contribute other than him being the prince amongst men, because everyone tells him he is.

@ShinyHappyPoster

Your relationship with him seems unbalanced and there are obvious issues. But NYE sounds like SIL hosts her family and feels obliged to invite her parents-in-law. I don't think it's that odd not to invite you. I have quite a close relationship with my DB but I could absolutely see that if SIL was hosting her family, he might feel he had to invite our parents (when they were still alive) but that he wouldn't invite his siblings because it's SIL's family gathering iyswim.

That's a very charitable way of looking at it, but he doesn't deserve excuses. The OP never gets anything, not even the crumbs from his table at any other time of year. Whyever wouldn't you include your own sister to a NY party, any NY ever.

@usauk

No, its never a two way street. They always prioritise SIL side of family. He’s always been a user, I think. I was just checking what everyone else might think. Bestie says my bar is often too high but she does agree that this is not on

Maybe SIL is the problem, applying the MN rule that her in-laws are second-class citizens, unless she wants something, your parents are there to disguise this. When he calls to wish you Happy New Year tell him you hope that his party went well.