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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like f*** them all.

173 replies

Outsidermum · 30/12/2021 07:03

DH family. They’ve just never accepted me. I’ve been excluded at every opportunity and I’ve known them now for over 20 years. It’s been obvious and it’s also been passive aggressive. In the early days it was very obvious. They’d tell DH they didn’t really like me. They preferred his ex. It was hurtful. They’d try to get him to go see them alone and not invite me. His DM said when I was pregnant that he didn’t have to stay with me “just because of the baby”. They warned him not to marry me. I’ve never done anything to any of them - they just didn’t warm to me. I honestly can say hand on heart I was always lovely and really tried. My face just didn’t fit. I am very non confrontational and mild, I’ve put up with more than many would. Even when I knew what had been said about me I’d sit there in my PIL house being friendly and pretending to be comfortable and happy, wishing it was time to leave already. My DH never showed any sign that he wasn’t in a happy relationship and always defended me (quietly to them in private of course). Sometimes he didn’t notice the smaller digs or actions but that’s men for you.
A couple of his female siblings are nice to me on the surface and stab me when my back is turned. I’ve learned not to trust them. The SIL is as bad. BIL are both kind but they don’t rock the boat and why should they. When we got married abroad it was the perfect excuse for them all not to come (by then I was glad not to have them there). Photos of us were never put on display in his parents house. Even when we gifted them of us and the DC. Photos of his ex were put on display in the upstairs bedroom where we slept when we stayed over. They’d not been there the first time DH showed me his old room. It was shocking now I think about it more. I kept thinking it must have been accidental - why would you put out photos in frames of DH with his ex. I wouldn’t have the nerve to be so blatant.
The children of his siblings referred to DH as Uncle DH and I was just outsider mum (we are talking years in, kids that never knew him without me). Presents would be received with “Thank you DH” or “Thankyou Uncle DH” and I would be sat there, the one that bought the gifts! My FIL wanted to take photos of DH and our DC. DH tried to include me and was met with “we will have one with everyone in, in a minute”
I’ve stopped caring. I now feel like “f* them” We moved some distance away from them all in the first few years and I now don’t feel inclined to visit. In fact I don’t feel inclined to visit ever again. I don’t answer the phone when they call. We only go to see them now for large family events and I’m even considering just making my excuses. I’m sure DH would feel more comfortable without me there and I know I don’t want to go! Yesterday DH had a text from one of the nephews who’s now a teenager “Thank you Uncle DH for xyz” I just give up. In the early days so many things were said that I actually used to think I could leave DH and never have to endure them again. I still have this thought. Sorry this was so long and well done if you got this far. I suppose my point is, I feel like I want to detach from them all. To protect my mental health. Life’s too short to have to mix with people who don’t like you and treat you like a piece of crap. AIBU?

OP posts:
GoodnightGrandma · 30/12/2021 07:05

Go non contact I did. I’ve not seen my in laws for about 5 years.
If DH wants to take the kids there he can, and I get some peace.

AFS1 · 30/12/2021 07:07

They sound absolutely vile, and I would have nothing more to do with them if I were you.

Can I ask what your DH has done to help support you? When he gets thanked for presents does he make a point of acknowledging the effort you’ve put into getting them, for example?

Original poster
Outsidermum · 30/12/2021 07:17

@AFS1 Yes he says “and Auntie Outsidermum” or “well outsidermum chose them” you know that sort of thing. He does sometimes make excuses for them and downplays things as I think he doesn’t want to see it. That causes arguments - or rather me getting upset and him not really knowing what to do about it. It all puts him in a really awful position.

OP posts:
Original poster
Outsidermum · 30/12/2021 07:20

@GoodnightGrandma That sounds amazing! Now our DC are older I’m happier for them to visit without me. Before I didn’t want those people being able to have free access to my young DC without me. I know that sounds odd and I know they’d never hurt them.

OP posts:
SparklingLime · 30/12/2021 07:20

Awful. Are you considering detaching from DH too? He doesn’t come out of it well.

LadyCampanulaTottington · 30/12/2021 07:21

Goodness you are a saint for putting up with this for as long as you have OP.

Go no contact and get a bit of peace. Let DH go alone.

SpindleSpangle · 30/12/2021 07:22

Your DH should have been correcting people about the gifts - why didn’t he do that? It’s hardly confrontational to state, ‘the present was from both of us’.

The photo of the ex in his/your room should have gone in the bin. (I’m pretty certain that’s what my DP would do if his mother / family tried any of these shenanigans.)

Original poster
Outsidermum · 30/12/2021 07:24

@SparklingLime I love DH. I don’t want to detach from him. I do have that fantasy sometimes but only because of them. I know it’s not simple because it’s going to cause him issues. That’s the main reason I've put up so long. I do think he needs to understand though that it’s just too much over too long and I have to protect myself.

OP posts:
Wotsitsits · 30/12/2021 07:24

You sound totally over invested. You married DH not his family. Who cares that they don't like you and act like twats toward you? Seriously. Stop buying them presents, stop visiting. DH can go on his own if he really wants to. Spend the time doing something nice for yourself!!!!!!

SpindleSpangle · 30/12/2021 07:24

I’ve x-posted with you, OP; but he still sounds like a wet lettuce.

Mybalconyiscracking · 30/12/2021 07:27

I do feel a bit sorry for your DH, but mine would have ripped his parents a new one at the first sign of any of this nonsense. I would go NC and let him explain why.

Original poster
Outsidermum · 30/12/2021 07:29

Would you all ditch the family events too? I don’t want to see any of them ever again. Is that too much? I feel like that phrase “the worm has turned” I just can’t do it anymore.

OP posts:
Glentheredbeakbattleostrich · 30/12/2021 07:29

Go no contact. Stop buying presents, sending cards etc. Block on social media etc.

They are incredibly rude and don't deserve your time or effort.

ThinWomansBrain · 30/12/2021 07:29

surprised you've put up with it for this long TBH - just stop going, let FH go to "family events" alone, arrange any present buying.
The onlt unreasonable bit is that you feel tou have to ask!

Pantsinthewash · 30/12/2021 07:29

That's really sad, OP. Can't fathom how people can be so unpleasant. You are under no obligation to keep putting up with this behaviour. Do what YOU want to do, and leave them to get in with it. Wishing you a happy and peaceful 2022 without them dragging you down x

Totalwasteofpaper · 30/12/2021 07:32

Go NC but honestly...

DH always defended me is a load of horse shit. He didn't. At all.

He could do /have done a lot more eg.
"Thanks uncle X"
"No, you should thank aunty Y she picked it."
He could have demonstrated behaviours have consequences and reduced contact. He could have refused gifts where he received one and you were snubbed.

Original poster
Outsidermum · 30/12/2021 07:32

@SpindleSpangle He is a bit if I am honest but after an ex who was abusive to me and having other volatile relationships, I’ll take wet lettuce. He’s a lovely kind man and he has the kind of relationship with his family where he doesn’t usually confront on things. So when he does stand up for me in his gentle way, it’s enough for me. However they don’t respect it or they gaslight him so it doesn’t work.

OP posts:
Totalwasteofpaper · 30/12/2021 07:32

@Outsidermum

Would you all ditch the family events too? I don’t want to see any of them ever again. Is that too much? I feel like that phrase “the worm has turned” I just can’t do it anymore.
Christ yes I would do nothing for any of them every again.
SpindleSpangle · 30/12/2021 07:33

@Outsidermum

Would you all ditch the family events too? I don’t want to see any of them ever again. Is that too much? I feel like that phrase “the worm has turned” I just can’t do it anymore.
Yes, and I’d make it clear it was down to their unacceptable behaviour.

I’d keep the contact between them and the DC to a minimum though, as your DH’s charming family will slag you off to the kids behind your back, which will create even more tension when your DH or DC inevitably tell you all about it. Will he properly stand up for you? That’s the question.

FelizNavidads · 30/12/2021 07:36

Bin them -they are AWFUL!

TinyLittlePandaSneeze · 30/12/2021 07:39

The only thing I could possibly understand is the taking photos without you in it but even then that would only be if you'd been with him a matter of months not 20+ years.

Stop buying the presents for a start.
I'd personally stop going round there, and DH can explain that it's their appalling behaviour whey

Looubylou · 30/12/2021 07:41

Go no contact. No present buying on husband's behalf - he should absolutely understand why, and be willing to explain why to his family. He should of stood up to them from the very start - firmly and issuing consequences if nothing changed. Do not concern yourself with regards to things becoming difficult for DH - he has allowed you to suffer this behaviour for 20 years!! Are your children loved by ILs, and treat as equals to their cousins?

Original poster
Outsidermum · 30/12/2021 07:44

It still won’t be often they see them. A couple of times a year - maybe less with Covid. My older DC are teens so his family would have to be very subtle about it or they’d risk DC getting cross even if DH didn’t. I can just be working. I don’t really want them to have another excuse to have a go about me. If I’m working then we all get what we want without it turning into a family feud. They’ll know really and I’ll know.

OP posts:
Fairylights25 · 30/12/2021 07:44

In your place, I would sit down quietly with dh and list everything you have told us, and at the end tell him you feel you have no other choice but to go low/no contact with them for the sake of your own well being.

If he loves you he will support your decision and most good men would apologise and feel ashamed of your treatment.

No more presents, no more visits.Plan to see other friends and family. I have always sent cards as I feel its good manners, but you can take a view on that. Cut them loose. You don't need them.

Daffyaboutdaffs · 30/12/2021 07:47

@Outsidermum has something in particular happened to make you feel like giving up after all of this time putting up with it?