To feel like f*** them all.

[Outsidermum]

DH family. They’ve just never accepted me. I’ve been excluded at every opportunity and I’ve known them now for over 20 years. It’s been obvious and it’s also been passive aggressive. In the early days it was very obvious. They’d tell DH they didn’t really like me. They preferred his ex. It was hurtful. They’d try to get him to go see them alone and not invite me. His DM said when I was pregnant that he didn’t have to stay with me “just because of the baby”. They warned him not to marry me. I’ve never done anything to any of them - they just didn’t warm to me. I honestly can say hand on heart I was always lovely and really tried. My face just didn’t fit. I am very non confrontational and mild, I’ve put up with more than many would. Even when I knew what had been said about me I’d sit there in my PIL house being friendly and pretending to be comfortable and happy, wishing it was time to leave already. My DH never showed any sign that he wasn’t in a happy relationship and always defended me (quietly to them in private of course). Sometimes he didn’t notice the smaller digs or actions but that’s men for you.
A couple of his female siblings are nice to me on the surface and stab me when my back is turned. I’ve learned not to trust them. The SIL is as bad. BIL are both kind but they don’t rock the boat and why should they. When we got married abroad it was the perfect excuse for them all not to come (by then I was glad not to have them there). Photos of us were never put on display in his parents house. Even when we gifted them of us and the DC. Photos of his ex were put on display in the upstairs bedroom where we slept when we stayed over. They’d not been there the first time DH showed me his old room. It was shocking now I think about it more. I kept thinking it must have been accidental - why would you put out photos in frames of DH with his ex. I wouldn’t have the nerve to be so blatant.
The children of his siblings referred to DH as Uncle DH and I was just outsider mum (we are talking years in, kids that never knew him without me). Presents would be received with “Thank you DH” or “Thankyou Uncle DH” and I would be sat there, the one that bought the gifts! My FIL wanted to take photos of DH and our DC. DH tried to include me and was met with “we will have one with everyone in, in a minute”
I’ve stopped caring. I now feel like “f* them” We moved some distance away from them all in the first few years and I now don’t feel inclined to visit. In fact I don’t feel inclined to visit ever again. I don’t answer the phone when they call. We only go to see them now for large family events and I’m even considering just making my excuses. I’m sure DH would feel more comfortable without me there and I know I don’t want to go! Yesterday DH had a text from one of the nephews who’s now a teenager “Thank you Uncle DH for xyz” I just give up. In the early days so many things were said that I actually used to think I could leave DH and never have to endure them again. I still have this thought. Sorry this was so long and well done if you got this far. I suppose my point is, I feel like I want to detach from them all. To protect my mental health. Life’s too short to have to mix with people who don’t like you and treat you like a piece of crap. AIBU?

Let your husband organise their presents

I absolutely wouldn’t go again. DH can go if he wants and I wouldn’t use work or illness as an excuse just a simple she didn’t want to come will do, although tbh will they even ask about you? I wouldn’t be doing any wife work in regards to his family any more either, all Xmas gifts, birthday cards, Mother’s Day etc is now fully down to DH. No way would I be spending time choosing and wrapping gifts for such people!

I think I'd detach including your DH.
Fuck that he's hardly even a man let alone DH.
Good for you too for keeping your dignity. I'd slope off quietly and he can sort out the aftermath if there's one. I mean permanently because I couldn't deal with a wimp.

Yes let him go on his own and let dh sort the presents out. I’m only surprised that you went along with it for so long.

DHs family were awful to me when we started dating.

We are both NC with his family now.

Men. I get along with my in laws. But I don't buy presents for them, cos that's DHs job and he takes the kids to visit them without me loads. I also buy my own family their presents and take the kids to my parents without DH regularly.

Their his family, he deals with them.

Yes, just drop all the events, visits etc. You don't have to go to any of them. If they ask your DH where you are, he can tell them that they made you too uncomfortable to come.

You've been much more patient than me.
I had a similar welcome into the family when I married dh and I didn't even have a perfect ex to be compared to. They just decided I wasn't good enough for whatever reason. My ILs are very judgemental people, everyone gets judged to death (very boring to talk to them).
That was bad enough for me, but I didn't get the level of targeted hostility you are getting, mine was more like it just stuck in their craw a bit to have me around but they wouldn't actually have gone as far as your ILs have because, though they are judgemental always see the worst in people types, they aren't actually abusive by nature.
As it was my dh has pulled them to one side and told them if they persisted with one particular line of questioning they were fond of it would cause a rift as he wasn't going to tolerate it. Which means that we drew a line about a thousand miles back from where you are now - which is a long winded way of saying you would be entirely justified in never seeing them again, I think you've put up with it for wayyyyy longer than most would have.
Enjoy your freedom of never having to anticipate being in their company again.
These people are in your life by an accident of marriage, bin them off - they aren't of the view it was a happy accident so you can do it with a clear conscience.
It took me a while to grieve the relationship I wished I could have had with my ILs, used to feel envy at those who were welcomed and even loved (!!!!!!!!!!!) by their ILs, but it wasn't to be and I've made peace with it now. Hopefully you can too and feel the relief of letting go.

Yeah, I wouldn’t bother with these idiots either. Let dh go see them with the kids.
Tbh, your dh should have been pulling them up years ago when you were first together, it’s pointless now as that ship has sailed. Him making excuses for them is not good enough.

I agree with others. Go no contact and stop buying gifts. If your husband wants to buy for his family he can do all that himself.

I would have lost it before now.

You are actually accepting, and your DH too, that your DCs go to see relatives who treat their mother like shit! Really?

Imagine it's 10 years time, the DCs are grown and living their own lives and, unless they have been guilted like your DH into having a relationship with his evil bunch of malicious bullies , have their own families, you will be the lovely DGM.

Really do you want your adult DCs and the new generation spending time with these horrible lot, making the new DGCs wonder why Grandma doesn't visit. What's wrong with her - why does Grandma not like DH's family as that is how they make it look.

Omg - stop visits for your DCs. Accept it isn't great but DH, weak willed muppet, can go on his own, your DCs should not be seeing it is acceptable to treat another member of the family this way.

@smurfsss

DHs family were awful to me when we started dating.

We are both NC with his family now.

THS^^^

You Both stop visiting.

I went total no contact with my 'in laws' (not actually married, but been together 12 years so for the sake of simplicity I refer to them as that) 7 and a half years ago.

Much the same story as yours, my FIL in particular has behaved pretty badly and after numerous incidents I just finally got fed up with it all and told my partner I was done. I'm in my early 50s and we don't have children so that has made it easier...but in your case I'd still go no contact. Your husband can take the kids to see them, like so many previous posters have said, they are his parents so his responsibility.

I'm too old and life is too short to have to bother with people - no matter how they are related to you - who have made it clear they don't like you.

Once or twice when PIL came to our house to visit which thankfully was only a handful of times, I made them food. One time they wanted to go explore the local town beforehand. They knew I was cooking. When they came in and the food was ready they said “oh not for us, we’ve had a pie up the town”. Another time they ate my food but couldn’t bring themselves to say thanks or that it was nice. I made DH cook after that and they always readily thanked him for the food! They don’t visit now as they don’t want to drive the journey, thank god! Means I don’t have to have them in my house.

This is nuts. I would look at their upbringing - are there acrimonious divorces, abuse or similar in the backgrounds of PIL.

They used to moan to us about not seeing DC very often due to the geography. They were in the area one year at Christmas visiting a distant elderly relative. We offered them to come see the DC on their way home. They declined as they’d have to pay for another day of kennels for their dog as they didn’t allow collections on a Sunday. This is their (young at the time) DGC at Xmas time. Who they don’t see often. Another time we were in their area before a holiday as the flight was from their local airport. We called and offered them to come by (20 min drive) and see us as we were staying over the night in a hotel before our flight. We’d had a long journey with much traffic and were tired. They declined as FIL had a cough. DH had already said he doubted his DF would bother to drive the 20min to see us.

That's sad to read. But why hasn't your husband made any effort to make them treat you well? They're his family. I don't see why he isn't supporting you.

So sorry you’ve been going through this, it sounds awful. I would speak to your DH and tell him that you want to cut contact with them. DH can then make the decision to either speak to them and tell them if they want you around they need to put in more effort, or he can just play nice and attend events on his own. You need to think of your own mental health OP, you don’t need to be around rude and nasty people like that. x

@YourenutsmiLord No divorces at all but FIL is estranged from his sister (his choice) for no good reason at all that I can see. MIL regularly falls out for long periods with her sister. They don’t have a close relationship with their kids it all seems very surface.

I haven't seen my in-laws in years
DH does
My life is so much better

In solidarity OP, the first time DH took me round to meet his mum she showed us to our seats at the dinner table and rather awkwardly I was sitting directly opposite a photo of his first wedding. On our way home I laughed and said to DH how mortified she would be when she realised. He told me the photo usually lived upstairs and she must have put it there deliberately. So I didn't visit her house again for 8 years or so, until we had DS. DH used to go on his own which suited me (and I imagine, her) just fine.
Honestly, people like this are not worth it. Don't put yourself through it.

They sound absolutely vile and I cannot believe your husband allows it to happen. What the actual hell?

In a few years time when they are less able to get out and about you will be thankful that you don’t feel obligated to them in any way to offer help and support.

Hold this thought tight.

I had similar with my in laws. Lovely about me when they got what they wanted and made me out to be the devil when dh didn't send them money. Yet I was the one telling him to look after them. One day it was obviously too much and dh let rip.at them. Shouted, explained I was the one pushing to make sure they where OK. I was sending money when he didn't reply.

They still bitched about me to others but not to dh again. They have passed away now. But after that I just kept my distance. Not exactly the same. But sometimes distance is better. We where of 2 different cultures

Are you a different culture to your dh?

@Outsidermum

I had decided years back that if I didn’t care, I’d just go along and play nice and laugh to myself at how pathetic they are. But now I think no. Why should I even go and pretend? I’ve done my bit while DC were young. I’ve played along. No more. It’s not going to change and I don’t want to waste my time anymore.

That's the approach I would continue with. Distance yourself and spend your time with people who enhance your happiness, not drag you down.

Clearly for whatever reason there's poor chemistry, you're not their cup of tea, but they're hell-bent on taking a united front in making that clear. They sound like deeply unpleasant people.

Your DH sounds weak and him wanting you to play along for a quiet life is deplorable.