To feel like f*** them all.

[Outsidermum]

DH family. They’ve just never accepted me. I’ve been excluded at every opportunity and I’ve known them now for over 20 years. It’s been obvious and it’s also been passive aggressive. In the early days it was very obvious. They’d tell DH they didn’t really like me. They preferred his ex. It was hurtful. They’d try to get him to go see them alone and not invite me. His DM said when I was pregnant that he didn’t have to stay with me “just because of the baby”. They warned him not to marry me. I’ve never done anything to any of them - they just didn’t warm to me. I honestly can say hand on heart I was always lovely and really tried. My face just didn’t fit. I am very non confrontational and mild, I’ve put up with more than many would. Even when I knew what had been said about me I’d sit there in my PIL house being friendly and pretending to be comfortable and happy, wishing it was time to leave already. My DH never showed any sign that he wasn’t in a happy relationship and always defended me (quietly to them in private of course). Sometimes he didn’t notice the smaller digs or actions but that’s men for you.
A couple of his female siblings are nice to me on the surface and stab me when my back is turned. I’ve learned not to trust them. The SIL is as bad. BIL are both kind but they don’t rock the boat and why should they. When we got married abroad it was the perfect excuse for them all not to come (by then I was glad not to have them there). Photos of us were never put on display in his parents house. Even when we gifted them of us and the DC. Photos of his ex were put on display in the upstairs bedroom where we slept when we stayed over. They’d not been there the first time DH showed me his old room. It was shocking now I think about it more. I kept thinking it must have been accidental - why would you put out photos in frames of DH with his ex. I wouldn’t have the nerve to be so blatant.
The children of his siblings referred to DH as Uncle DH and I was just outsider mum (we are talking years in, kids that never knew him without me). Presents would be received with “Thank you DH” or “Thankyou Uncle DH” and I would be sat there, the one that bought the gifts! My FIL wanted to take photos of DH and our DC. DH tried to include me and was met with “we will have one with everyone in, in a minute”
I’ve stopped caring. I now feel like “f* them” We moved some distance away from them all in the first few years and I now don’t feel inclined to visit. In fact I don’t feel inclined to visit ever again. I don’t answer the phone when they call. We only go to see them now for large family events and I’m even considering just making my excuses. I’m sure DH would feel more comfortable without me there and I know I don’t want to go! Yesterday DH had a text from one of the nephews who’s now a teenager “Thank you Uncle DH for xyz” I just give up. In the early days so many things were said that I actually used to think I could leave DH and never have to endure them again. I still have this thought. Sorry this was so long and well done if you got this far. I suppose my point is, I feel like I want to detach from them all. To protect my mental health. Life’s too short to have to mix with people who don’t like you and treat you like a piece of crap. AIBU?

I would go full NC with them all. I also would not want this toxic bunch having influence over your DC when your DH seems so inept/passive/unwilling to deal with it permanently.

Your DH has enabled this behaviour and I do think you need to address why this has been OK for all of these years. Once time would be too much and it should have been nipped in the bud.

It's really up to you what you do but you do need to consider the lack of respect is from all of them including your DH.

I think your instincts around your small dc were spot on. They might not physically harm them but people who are hostile towards a mother can inflict emotional damage.

I also don’t think MN is entirely fair in judging the dh’s in these situations. It’s vicarious bullying of him and I’m going to guess that there was some degree of emotional abuse in his childhood. It’s not always possible for adult children to confront their abusive parents because the web of gaslighting, abuse, attachment and control are deeply entangled.

The part you have control over is your own behaviour. What you are suggesting is actually eminently sensible and what stands out for me is that for some reason you can’t see that clearly. There’s abuse in your past and I think your boundaries need strengthening. Could you access therapy for yourself?

@Outsidermum

It does make me sad that DH relationship with his family will be seriously affected by all this but it isn’t my fault. My own DM always told me to go still and ignore them. But I just can’t anymore.

I think it will be the opposite. They will be delighted to have erased you from the family and have your DH all to themselves.

It’s up to your DH though if he is happy to support that situation.

I agree with PP. Your DH needs the long list of 20 years of emotional abuse so that he can shake himself out of his comfort zone and denial and see the consolidation and patterns of their behaviour over 20 years.

He also needs to be told that zero info about you is given so that they can’t still feast on it and bully you in your absence. And the same goes the other way - you don’t want to hear anything about what goes on or what was said when he is with them - because this will get in your head.

It is my experience that once you have removed yourself from being this family’s scapegoat - another person will have to play that role. Sit back with the popcorn and watch that happen.

However this is likely to be one of your DCs and/or they will be pumped for info about you. Would recommend distancing them from this vile family.

Your DM is wrong - never suck it up and be polite - this is evidenced by the 20 years of shit you have endured. Break the cycle teach your DCs what toxic looks like and give them the permission and skills to detach and move away from people the instant they detect it without any FOG (fear, obligation, guilt).

I hope you feel empowered knowing what’s going on and deciding to value your self worth by dropping the rope. Expect them to notice and try to hoover you back in - just so that you are close enough within punching distance and they can start all over again.

Don’t get drawn into any of their nonsense traps.

I’m blown away by all the support so thank you. Really thinking about it, I think it all came from DH’s mother. His DF I’ve realised is mainly just awkward around me - probably doesn’t know how he is allowed to behave. The sisters all fall into line with DM and their DH just try not to be involved. So yes. It’s my MIL where this has all come from. We visited one of the sisters in the very early days of our relationship and she was straight on to MIL slagging me off and analysing everything that was said or done on the visit. I’d thought it all went well but how wrong I was. Nice to my face but knife in the back. MIL then got on to DH moaning about me. Nice hey!

The DCs have had lessons on how to be a weak willed people pleaser over all these years of visits to ILs with DH - time to put a stop to that.

Sounds like DMIL is re -enacting her fall out with her sister with you. Horrible woman. Never see her again.

Lol they sound absolutely mad. Its definitely not you. I think your idea of being at work is the easiest and i wouldnt buy 1 more present for that side of family. Let your DH sort it. You sound like you have the patience of a saint

@Outsidermum

I’m blown away by all the support so thank you. Really thinking about it, I think it all came from DH’s mother. His DF I’ve realised is mainly just awkward around me - probably doesn’t know how he is allowed to behave. The sisters all fall into line with DM and their DH just try not to be involved. So yes. It’s my MIL where this has all come from. We visited one of the sisters in the very early days of our relationship and she was straight on to MIL slagging me off and analysing everything that was said or done on the visit. I’d thought it all went well but how wrong I was. Nice to my face but knife in the back. MIL then got on to DH moaning about me. Nice hey!

This is a perfect example of someone showing you who they are - nasty and malicious.

Never try to win approval from people like this - it’s a sport to them - they love the fear and the fawning and want to provoke a row.

Teach your DCs that when they see shit behaviour - to swerve.

@UserBot99

Wow, twenty years of this. YANBU to think fuck them.

but I'd keep that to yourself. Just let them notice it very gradually. Do not hand them ammunition

Yes, don't announce it. Just let them carry on in ignorance only to wake up one day and have the penny drop that they've been quietly brushed off like dandruff off the shoulders and into the cold never to get their kicks by being nasty to you again. Not needed, not wanted. Bye.

OP, in the last two years I have withdrawn massively from DHs family. Similarly to you, we have been together for a long time (26 years) but I have never really been accepted, I decided after our last visit that I was done. Since then, I have bought none of their presents and sent none of their cards, I have not and will not be visiting them and I don't communicate on social media with them. I'm sure by now they have realised that the one aiding their communication with their son and grandchildren for years has been me. It's just a shame they didn't realise it 20 years ago and treat me with more respect and acceptance.

I did a similar backward step with my in laws. I left my husband to sort gifts and arrange visits etc. zit didn't take long before we were all no contact.

I've just cut DP's mad mother off. I'm encouraging him to keep going with her as she was good to him when he split with his ex. I know she'd be there for him if he needed it. I'm really surprised at how much better I feel though. Having that dislike drip fed in the background is surprisingly draining. You will feel stronger if you cut them off.

Wow! This is just totally shocking. Why on Earth do they all behave like this to you? That is so horrible!

I honestly think you should expect more from your husband in this situation. He should not be ok with how your being treated, even if it makes his life difficult/stressful. So bloody what if he falls out with them! You’re his wife! The mother of his child! You and you’re child/children are his immediate family and take absolute priority. Perhaps I could understand if you had done something ghastly but you haven’t. He should be going NC with them for how they’ve treated you!

I also think that they are collectively behaving worse and you now have your nephews in law completely disrespecting you too because no one ever calls them out on it so it’s just become the norm.

This is totally disgraceful!!

Were you the " other woman" ?

You were weren't you?

I dread to think what the nieces and nephews have heard as they’ve grown up. Hence why they looked at me like I was an alien when they were little and now just like someone they don’t have to acknowledge.

No I was not the other woman

I spent many a day wondering why they don’t like me. They never wanted to give me a chance. Then after many years I thought actually I really don’t like them! That helped.

Give your DH notice that you will no longer be buying cards or gifts for his family, so it's his responsibility now. I think it's a little bit off that he's let you continue shopping for his family when you never get a thank you.

It does make me sad that DH relationship with his family will be seriously affected by all this

He has a dysfunctional relationship with his family, so don't feel bad about that. You should ask yourself why you don't think you deserve better treatment from him, compared to his family who he will give into at your expense.

I'd just let him go on his own.

I cut off my inlaws after years of being emotionally bullied by them. We used to go there for dinner every sunday and they would come to ours every friday. It caused so many arguments with exh as we would have to change other plans to fit round them.
Eventually I said we were no longer going there for xmas and I stopped going for sunday dinner. Exh took the dcs. They never spoke to me again. Mil died a couple of years ago and I wasnt invited to the funeral. I didnt shed any tears.

I have been NC with my ILs for over 10 years now.
I could have written your post and like your DM advice for years I was always polite and non confrontational. It was made clear they didn’t like me .
I eventually decided life was too short to spend time with people that don’t like me or acknowledge me so now DH goes by himself once or twice a year.
I have three sons and the eldest has a girlfriend. I am determined to be lovely and welcoming as if she were a member of the family
That’s the lesson learned from this for me- I want to see my sons and my grandchildren in the future

Don’t bother with them anymore and don’t look back

They sound fucking vile. Bullies, absolute bullies.

I'd personally not be able to be in a relationship with someone who didn't stand up to them for me and make it clear we were a team and hearing me spoken about that way / sidelined / belittled would mean not seeing either of us.

But I appreciate it's easy saying something would be a dealbreaker when I haven't gone through it.

Sorry OP, they really do sound awful. And genuinely spiteful, with things like the photos of the ex and eating out when they know you're cooking for their return. Arseholes.

Sounds like it's time to assert some boundaries and go low/no contact.

I went low contact with my sister's DP (whole story I won't bore you with) and it was one of the best things I ever did. And, to my huge surprise, me putting up some boundaries has actually improved our relationship considerably.

We have a similar ish situation here, but with the adult SD's. I and DD (also adult) have tried very hard over the years. DH is still delusional about playing happy families with them, but if I'm with him, there is absolute no even polite surface interest shown in I or DD, they just wait for me to stop speaking then carry on about something different. Yes, I have a DH problem as well as a DSD problem. I'm working on harder boundaries about not being with them. Also, he had been divorced from their DM (who actually initiated the divorce) for 2 yrs before we met, so I don't get it either.

You have my sympathy @Outsidermum. Don't subject yourself to this any longer. The photos in the room is just deranged, surely. I wonder what the XW's take would be on this? I suspect she did not feel like Golden DIL at the time, as they seem to be a family who have to fall out with a least other female members regardles. Good that your DH is on Team You, even if he is frightened of upsetting the loons.