To feel like f*** them all.

[Outsidermum]

DH family. They’ve just never accepted me. I’ve been excluded at every opportunity and I’ve known them now for over 20 years. It’s been obvious and it’s also been passive aggressive. In the early days it was very obvious. They’d tell DH they didn’t really like me. They preferred his ex. It was hurtful. They’d try to get him to go see them alone and not invite me. His DM said when I was pregnant that he didn’t have to stay with me “just because of the baby”. They warned him not to marry me. I’ve never done anything to any of them - they just didn’t warm to me. I honestly can say hand on heart I was always lovely and really tried. My face just didn’t fit. I am very non confrontational and mild, I’ve put up with more than many would. Even when I knew what had been said about me I’d sit there in my PIL house being friendly and pretending to be comfortable and happy, wishing it was time to leave already. My DH never showed any sign that he wasn’t in a happy relationship and always defended me (quietly to them in private of course). Sometimes he didn’t notice the smaller digs or actions but that’s men for you.
A couple of his female siblings are nice to me on the surface and stab me when my back is turned. I’ve learned not to trust them. The SIL is as bad. BIL are both kind but they don’t rock the boat and why should they. When we got married abroad it was the perfect excuse for them all not to come (by then I was glad not to have them there). Photos of us were never put on display in his parents house. Even when we gifted them of us and the DC. Photos of his ex were put on display in the upstairs bedroom where we slept when we stayed over. They’d not been there the first time DH showed me his old room. It was shocking now I think about it more. I kept thinking it must have been accidental - why would you put out photos in frames of DH with his ex. I wouldn’t have the nerve to be so blatant.
The children of his siblings referred to DH as Uncle DH and I was just outsider mum (we are talking years in, kids that never knew him without me). Presents would be received with “Thank you DH” or “Thankyou Uncle DH” and I would be sat there, the one that bought the gifts! My FIL wanted to take photos of DH and our DC. DH tried to include me and was met with “we will have one with everyone in, in a minute”
I’ve stopped caring. I now feel like “f* them” We moved some distance away from them all in the first few years and I now don’t feel inclined to visit. In fact I don’t feel inclined to visit ever again. I don’t answer the phone when they call. We only go to see them now for large family events and I’m even considering just making my excuses. I’m sure DH would feel more comfortable without me there and I know I don’t want to go! Yesterday DH had a text from one of the nephews who’s now a teenager “Thank you Uncle DH for xyz” I just give up. In the early days so many things were said that I actually used to think I could leave DH and never have to endure them again. I still have this thought. Sorry this was so long and well done if you got this far. I suppose my point is, I feel like I want to detach from them all. To protect my mental health. Life’s too short to have to mix with people who don’t like you and treat you like a piece of crap. AIBU?

@Looubylou yes they love our DC but perhaps not quite in the same league as their cousins….I put some of that down to the amount they see them. They do appear to try to treat them the same at least. I always wondered how they can love my DC but disrespect their mother so much.

@Outsidermum

It still won’t be often they see them. A couple of times a year - maybe less with Covid. My older DC are teens so his family would have to be very subtle about it or they’d risk DC getting cross even if DH didn’t. I can just be working. I don’t really want them to have another excuse to have a go about me. If I’m working then we all get what we want without it turning into a family feud. They’ll know really and I’ll know.

You don't have to cover for this behaviour. If anything the DC will benefit from knowing its not on and eventually it has an impact. There won't be a feud as they couldn't care less about you unfortunately. DH if he really wants can be polite about it and say "She thought it best she didnt come" when asked where you are if he wants.

You don't need to do drama, I didn't. Just quietly slip into obscurity with a million excuses.
Your dh should know the truth, there should be no secrets between you. Be honest also with your teens, and why you have made the decision. You will be modelling good boundaries and self care to them.

Working/busy/other plans indefinitely. Draw a line under this as a final episode. The relief will be immediate. You should never be compromised like this by anyone op, especially not as an adult when we have choices about who we see.

Just like you have given examples of their actions here and it’s impact on you I would do a longer list for husband. Sit him down and say you have tried to make the effort but your mental well being will no longer make the effort to go there with him and be pleasant and present him with your list so he can digest the real impact of their pathetic behaviour towards you. 💐

@Daffyaboutdaffs I think it’s been a change in me. I’ve had a health scare which thankfully amounted to nothing bad and I came out of it feeling like I shouldn’t be spending any of my time and energy on these people. The thought of having to go there in a few months for the first time since Covid hit, fills me with dread and that’s not ok.

BTW My dh would not be attending family events without me, if the reason for me not being there was their hideous behaviour in the past.

I hope he has your back and makes a decision to step back as well and support you. It is up to him, but I hope he cares enough to make it clear he is busy/working etc.

My dc wouldn't be seeing anyone who behaved like this towards me.
I'd go no contact and it wouldn't be a quiet retreat - I'd tell my dh, teenagers and in-laws why.
You need to stop doing anything to facilitate your husband's relationship with them, so no more gift buying or encouraging him to phone or visit, if you did that kind of thing.
He should take a stand - a nan worth anything wouldn't have allowed his wife to be treated like this.

I have a bil and sil who I just dropped about 15 years ago for similar form. Told dh he was welcome to go and take thr kids. I was out. She never liked me due to being female and 15 years younger than her.
He never bothered to organise anything. I have seen them 3 times at funerals.
Honestly, set yourself free. Stop facilitating their treatment of you.

Baffled how you can love a man who has so let you down for so many years

@Outsidermum that makes sense. I have also reviewed my family relationships and some friendships over this Covid period. It has been a time for reflection in some ways and has made me think why am I doing things and seeing people I don’t want to see out of some sort of duty or obligation. An example is one of my sisters. We don’t live far apart but I have realised that the only time we saw her and her family was when I or another sibling invited them for dinner/parties etc. I haven’t been to her house for 20 years. I now see other siblings without inviting her and her family. And it’s not as though she has nobody over to hers. They constantly have her DH family over. Anyway just wanted to share my experience and I think you are doing the right thing for you. Don’t feel guilty.

They sound exactly like my in-laws. We would turn up to things and they would greet just my DH, constant nasty digs, excluded from photos they took, told I wasn’t family because I wasn’t blood, cheap nasty presents, encouraged my DH to leave me at every opportunity. I was also quiet and mild. I very slowly gave up trying. LC now and just send birthday cards etc. we don’t attend family events at all (not that they usually remember to invite us anyway). They stamp their feet this time of year, but I’ve reached the point of not caring much, and that takes a long time. My DH never really enjoyed their company anyway and used to ask me why I was bothering to make an effort with them, so being constantly awful to me really was them biting the hand that was feeding them.
You do what you want to do. If you don’t want to go to something, don’t. I’ve realised as I’ve got older that it’s the biggest waste of your life spending it with spiteful people, because when you look back you end up resenting every single thing you did for them. Be strong now, act now, don’t put yourself through this anymore if it’s causing you heartache.

Wow how can your husband sit back and allow you to be treated in that way? Aren’t you absolutely furious he is allowing you to be treated like shit by his family? He is the link between you both, it is his role to defend and protect you and he’s obviously failed.

@Fl0w3ry I’m sorry you’ve had it too but I feel better knowing this isn’t just happening to me!

They sound exactly like my in-laws too. I went NC after one too many digs and it was the best thing I ever did. His mother knows she can see the children if she wants but it has to be at our house, where I feel comfortable. My children are young and i work full time so I don’t see why I should lose out on any time with them to her. Plus I don’t want them to be around her without me. His sister acts all nice towards me and tries to paint herself as the peace maker. We get on at surface level but I remember how she used to make me feel. They invited us over once years ago to visit and stay over and she thought I wasn’t coming. I changed my mind and went so they weren’t expecting me. They’d invited her single friend from Wales to come visit instead. The friend had just recently split up from her boyfriend…

I went nc with my in-laws who behaved like this for 3 years. God knows why you’ve put up with this for so long. You don’t deserve it. Dh and I don’t have dc together though.

Been nc for 8 years now it’s bliss. Dh still has the occasional text message exchange and sees them once or twice a year but he’s not oblivious to their ways and they have treated him like shit in the past too do no defending their behaviour.

I can’t tell you how liberating it will be for you and how much better for your self esteem it will be. Over time they just become so insignificant.

I did used to get really upset with DH even though he tried to have them be nicer. I resented him for their behaviour. As the years passed and I stopped getting so consumed by it, I got less upset with him as I accepted it’s not his fault how they behave. No he’s not done enough to step up but I didn’t want him to fall out with his family for me as that would be awful. What I do know is that he is 100% under no illusions that it’s all them and not me so he won’t be trying to convince me to change my mind. He’d prefer I play along I’m sure - as thats easy. But he won’t push it.

I feel for you, @Outsidermum.
I would be working whenever some big event crops up too, or have a migraine or something.
I would also stop making any effort to buy them anything, including the nephews/nieces. They've been poisoned by their parents (sad really, if they are the children of your BILs who you thought were kind - unless those BILs are married to your DH's sisters, who are backstabbers)

Life is too short to have poisonous people in it. And you've already put up with them for 20 years - time to let go completely and let your DH deal with them on his own, and your DC only if they feel like it.

Yanbu. I wouldn't be encouraging dh and dc to go unless they really want to.

I had decided years back that if I didn’t care, I’d just go along and play nice and laugh to myself at how pathetic they are. But now I think no. Why should I even go and pretend? I’ve done my bit while DC were young. I’ve played along. No more. It’s not going to change and I don’t want to waste my time anymore.

@ThumbWitchesAbroad yes I should have made that clearer. The kind BILs are married to horrible SILs

I’ve had a health scare which thankfully amounted to nothing bad and I came out of it feeling like I shouldn’t be spending any of my time and energy on these people. The thought of having to go there in a few months for the first time since Covid hit, fills me with dread and that’s not ok.

I’m glad your health scare was just a scare, OP. And I agree, life is too short. Stop seeing them, and enjoy your life and your real family. They’re not worth a moment of your attention.