To feel like f*** them all.

[Outsidermum]

DH family. They’ve just never accepted me. I’ve been excluded at every opportunity and I’ve known them now for over 20 years. It’s been obvious and it’s also been passive aggressive. In the early days it was very obvious. They’d tell DH they didn’t really like me. They preferred his ex. It was hurtful. They’d try to get him to go see them alone and not invite me. His DM said when I was pregnant that he didn’t have to stay with me “just because of the baby”. They warned him not to marry me. I’ve never done anything to any of them - they just didn’t warm to me. I honestly can say hand on heart I was always lovely and really tried. My face just didn’t fit. I am very non confrontational and mild, I’ve put up with more than many would. Even when I knew what had been said about me I’d sit there in my PIL house being friendly and pretending to be comfortable and happy, wishing it was time to leave already. My DH never showed any sign that he wasn’t in a happy relationship and always defended me (quietly to them in private of course). Sometimes he didn’t notice the smaller digs or actions but that’s men for you.
A couple of his female siblings are nice to me on the surface and stab me when my back is turned. I’ve learned not to trust them. The SIL is as bad. BIL are both kind but they don’t rock the boat and why should they. When we got married abroad it was the perfect excuse for them all not to come (by then I was glad not to have them there). Photos of us were never put on display in his parents house. Even when we gifted them of us and the DC. Photos of his ex were put on display in the upstairs bedroom where we slept when we stayed over. They’d not been there the first time DH showed me his old room. It was shocking now I think about it more. I kept thinking it must have been accidental - why would you put out photos in frames of DH with his ex. I wouldn’t have the nerve to be so blatant.
The children of his siblings referred to DH as Uncle DH and I was just outsider mum (we are talking years in, kids that never knew him without me). Presents would be received with “Thank you DH” or “Thankyou Uncle DH” and I would be sat there, the one that bought the gifts! My FIL wanted to take photos of DH and our DC. DH tried to include me and was met with “we will have one with everyone in, in a minute”
I’ve stopped caring. I now feel like “f* them” We moved some distance away from them all in the first few years and I now don’t feel inclined to visit. In fact I don’t feel inclined to visit ever again. I don’t answer the phone when they call. We only go to see them now for large family events and I’m even considering just making my excuses. I’m sure DH would feel more comfortable without me there and I know I don’t want to go! Yesterday DH had a text from one of the nephews who’s now a teenager “Thank you Uncle DH for xyz” I just give up. In the early days so many things were said that I actually used to think I could leave DH and never have to endure them again. I still have this thought. Sorry this was so long and well done if you got this far. I suppose my point is, I feel like I want to detach from them all. To protect my mental health. Life’s too short to have to mix with people who don’t like you and treat you like a piece of crap. AIBU?

Go NC. I did and it's wonderful!
They didn't bother with my children but did with their other grandchildren and one day I just snapped and told them exactly how awful they were! (This was after putting up with them and a lot of shit for years).
I told them I was finished with them and it's bliss. DH was capable of taking the DC to visit (they're teens/young adults now) but he rarely bothered. Now he's very low contact too.
One of the best things I ever did.

Gift yourself avoiding their awful company from now on.

20 years you have tolerated it.

Unbelievable.

I genuinely don't know how women remain in love with men so disloyal to them.

You don't have to have any discussion other than I'm not going. No excuse other than I've no interest in seeing them.

Unfortunately OP I think you were very silly to send gifts and continue to make little of yourself by doing this for years in the face of no thanks.

You should have handed it over to your wimp husband.

Do it now.
Again don't say anything, just don't buy another thing for any of them.

Your health scare should indeed be a wake up call.

His familys awful behaviour towards you has been a 20 year blight on your life.

What a waste.

You deserved better than him and them.

[quote Outsidermum]@SparklingLime I love DH. I don’t want to detach from him. I do have that fantasy sometimes but only because of them. I know it’s not simple because it’s going to cause him issues. That’s the main reason I've put up so long. I do think he needs to understand though that it’s just too much over too long and I have to protect myself.[/quote]
Make the decision to never have to see them again except at large unavoidable events. DH can take the kids now they are older if he wants. You are never going to have to put up with them in smaller situations ever again.
When you buy gifts, etc think you are doing it for you DH, not for them.
The teen nephews / kids will have been coached by their parents / grandparents so it’s not really their fault. But the adults have no excuse.
I hope your DH supports your decision to not put up with this any more.

If it's any help you don't have a DH problem just ignore his family.

@Fairylights25

In your place, I would sit down quietly with dh and list everything you have told us, and at the end tell him you feel you have no other choice but to go low/no contact with them for the sake of your own well being.

If he loves you he will support your decision and most good men would apologise and feel ashamed of your treatment.

No more presents, no more visits.Plan to see other friends and family. I have always sent cards as I feel its good manners, but you can take a view on that. Cut them loose. You don't need them.

My first "This"!!! I'm sorry they treat you so shabbily OP, there's no excuse! They're just pig-ignorant! I do think you should tell your DH what you've told us so he understands exactly why you've reached the end of your tether with them and I reckon, if he's a kind man, he'll understand and accept it. He sounds a bit like my DH; quiet, although my DH can get very angry if pushed too far. Do your own thing OP and stop banging your head up against a brick wall. You'll find you feel much better after a while of not being treated like shite! I wish you all the very best!

It’s perfectly ok to say to your DH that enough is enough and that you no longer wish to spend your free time with them or give them any more thought, which includes choosing gifts etc for them. Any contact with them is down to him and him only. It’s probably also worth taking it s step further and telling him that he is not to casually discuss you with them - no updates on how you are doing, no news etc - nothing at all that they can feed off or gossip or backstab about.

If it helps, write a bullet pointed list of every slight that you can remember from them, and give it to him as a very stark reminder of how poorly they have treated you. I’d also question why he’s not got more backbone here. Simply saying that you chose their gifts is not calling them out on their rudeness. He should be pointedly asking why people are pretending that you don’t exist and are acting like they aren’t joint gifts from a married couple. Why is he not demanding an explanation and an apology? He sounds pretty feeble at standing up to them and he’s allowing it to go unchallenged.

I have a friend who was treated this way by in laws. She just doesn’t see them. Mil is now widowed. Friends husband very occasionally sees mum alone but the 2 teenagers don’t go anymore. It’s mil who is the sad old lady on her own.
I’d speak to your husband. Draw line. PIL are not welcome on your home. You won’t buy any more cards or gifts. Don’t go to visit. I wouldn’t make work excuse. Don’t force children to go or lie re where you are either.

@Outsidermum

It does make me sad that DH relationship with his family will be seriously affected by all this but it isn’t my fault. My own DM always told me to go still and ignore them. But I just can’t anymore.

Why would you feel sad your dh would have a reduced relationship with people who can't be arsed to drive twenty minutes to see him or pay for one more day dog kennels to see his kids!!! That's bizarre to mourn that 'loss'. If you want to feel sad for anything, feel sad that his parents are incapable of ever offering him the relationship he deserves and would have if they had a healthy outlook on life. As for your mum... Well! If she's of the 'be nice, be quiet, don't rock the boat, sacrifice your own worth to avoid making a dent in anyone's day to pay service to what this relationship should be - but blatantly isn't' school of thought, its becoming clear why you ended up in an abusive relationship. Healthy relationships are balanced, not one side prostrating themselves before the other and offering their backs to be walked on. They might have the title of mum and dad but they don't fulfil the role in any recognisable loving way. Do not feel sad for your dh if they become more distant. Feel sad for the little boy he was that was destined to grow up and never be respected enough for them to be civil to his wife. I don't think it's his failing as a man that he doesn't stand up to them more, though it would be great if he did (perhaps with counselling he could break free of their dynamic and find this) any human sensitive of heart (in a normal person way) brought up in this atmosphere would struggle and if a woman was struggling to go against the grain of a long standing abusive dynamic no - one would be saying she was less of a woman. He's a human and has been raised by shits, now he struggles to stand up to them, well, probably he has a lot of unpicking and self growth to do before he could change that.

And as for your children, be honest, don't leave them in the dark as to why mum isn't spending time with granny etc anymore. Name what they do. Say unfortunately granny and grandpa are unkind to mummy, and mummy no longer wishes to accept this so is choosing not to see them anymore (or something along those lines). You don't need to go into big details, or bad mouth them, but you absolutely should not leave them unaware that these people are not to be trusted in this way, or give them a chance to make it all your fault to your own children.
Do not teach them to pay respect to people who don't reciprocate, that's a fast track to a skewed sense of self worth and a weird view of what a good relationship looks like.

Why on earth did he tell you they said they preferred his ex and didn't like you?

I think you have a big dh problem here, as well as his family being arseholes. Just because he doesn't shout/physically hurt you doesn't mean he's not nasty in other ways. If my dh told me his family had said they didn't like me and preferred his ex and some of the other stuff you've mentioned here id be like "what the actual fuck??"

Have they never said why they don't like you? Were you the other woman?

@ChiefStockingStuffer

Stop doing his family grunt work for him: no more present buying, no more visiting 'gifts', no more making arrangements to see any of them.

If he wants to see them, do birthday/Christmas presents, share a meal, he does all the shopping and makes all the arrangements.

He can go by himself; you're out.

And you're allowed to ban them all from your home if you're going to be around. Why should you have to be subjected to people who treat you like shit in your own home ... you shouldn't.

^^This

But I think your DH's behaviour has been very poor throughout this.

My DH would absolutely not have tolerated his family treating me like that (and nor would I, for him)

We'd have gone NC years ago

@Outsidermum

It does make me sad that DH relationship with his family will be seriously affected by all this but it isn’t my fault. My own DM always told me to go still and ignore them. But I just can’t anymore.

It's his fault not yours.

I don't understand why you've tolerated this from him, let alone them

They sound horrible. You've done more than enough after all these years. Time to look after yourself and not go any more. Good luck OP

I don’t understand why your husband wants to maintain a relationship with people who have been so abusive to his wife.

It's his normal isn't it. Abused people often don't realise this is abhorrent to most. A lifetime of conditioning. Space from them and therapy could restore a bit of perspective and get him out of this fairground hall of mirrors view of things.

Wow, twenty years of this.
YANBU to think fuck them.

but I'd keep that to yourself. Just let them notice it very gradually. Do not hand them ammunition

@Outsidermum omg they sound absolutely vile! I can't believe you've tolerated them for so long... have you not ever insisted that your DH talk to them and asked them why they constantly treat you like shit? There must be some reason not that it justifies their disgusting behaviour btw... Did they get the wrong end of the stick about something from the very start of the relationship and it festered from there? I could no way stay married to a husband who allowed his family to continue to abuse his wife... does he not have any respect for you? Also, I've never heard of such a nasty group of family members with the same bitter and vicious mindset... do you think they collectively have some sort of severe mental health disorders or special needs?

@ChiefStockingStuffer agree with this.

Your H may not be who you're angry with, but you have made it easy for him to stick his head in the sand.

From now on, no thinking about what to buy them, no going out to buy them, no wrapping, no reminding, no bending over backwards for people who have been cold to you for 20 years.

You don't have to make a big speech (that never helps, trust me, it always back fired) if pressed, just say, you hoped they might warm up a bit after twenty years but you've realised it won't happen now, say nothing more than ''I accept this situation for what it really is''.

Never go to their house again. Book yourself in to something you'll enjoy when he goes. Don't sit at home thinking about how you're excluded. Do something that is BETTER than being at their house round their stone cold hearth.

@TyrannosaurusRegina

Have they never said why they don't like you? Were you the other woman?

Even if she were, I don't think it's a morally superior explanation of any sort to be cold to your son's chosen partner for twenty long years.

I could have written this. For twenty years I made a huge effort despite their awful behaviour. In any other aspect of my life I wouldn’t have put up with it. Five years ago I stopped any effort. The not being called Auntie Twolost, yet other non-blood uncles were strikes a chord too.
DH’s family is matriarchal, the men just fall in line. The females are like princesses who never get their hands dirty. They are shallow, a bit dim, all about looks and materialistic. I’m the opposite.
What I don’t understand is why they didn’t realise it was me who arranged everything, days out, gifts, meals, surprise parties, etc.
I have skills as a florist. There’s a wedding coming up late Summer and suddenly they’re liking all social media posts of arrangements and a wedding I’ve just done as a gift for my niece. I know what’s coming…they can fuck off.

In my mother's family all of the men who married on were treated like gods but the women who married in were criticised behind their backs, excluded and generally treated shabbily. My MIL's family were very similar. Married in women were seen as fair game for any criticism or blame going. I thought that might have been generational but it sounds as if it is still going strong.

My mum went no contact with dad's family, and she was much better for it. My dad did however, take distance from them as well and always stood up for her. He attended family events with me, and I had a good relationship with those relatives, though as an adult and being more aware of how they treated my mum, i have distanced myself from them too.

Life is too short to ingratiate yourself with toxic, shitty people. Just stop attending all family events, stop sending any presents (since they don't thank you for it anyway), and use the time when DH is with them to pamper yourself. I've realised over the years, that people like your in-laws only respect people who are firm and set boundaries and don't care what they think. The more effort you put in, the nicer you are, the more they know they have the upper hand. Just pretend they don't exist, like they've done with you.

I had similar, it will only make you incredible at being a mother-in-law one day, you will accept and welcome your children's partners with open arms and have wonderful relationships with them.

Detach yourself and if you feel your children are old enough now, explain why. Stop the gift buying. Care for yourself and your little family, you don't need the grief or negativity x

Of course yanbu. Why would a family house to do that to a partner?
Did something happen?