AIBU to have handled it this way re DS and DIL?

[MagnifyingGlasses]

A year and a half ago my DS wanted to leave his wife and 2 young DC. We never got to the bottom of why he did, he just said he was unhappy and wanted to be on his own. DIL was very upset and I found out about this because she called me up to tell me he was leaving and was worried about him. DS didn't tell us himself.

After this we tried to support DS and both DH and I and his siblings gave him support by offering him a place to stay and bring the DC etc. It didn't get to this stage though as DS decided he wanted to stay with his family and DIL.

Since then I feel my relationship, and that of DH and my other DC, has deteriorated drastically with DIL. We all used to spend a lot of time together such as meals out, go away for the weekend together, days out and even holidays together. A lot of it organised by her and DS with their DC, my only DGC.

We are not NC with them, we do still see them, but not on the scale we used to. She no longer offers to organise things for us all to do, and we are no longer invited on any days out, trips etc. She is welcoming and friendly when we do see them, or when they are at our house, but it feels strained and she no longer opens up around us.

I do think I did some things wrong when they were separated, which was for about 3 months. During that time I thought their relationship was over, so I didn't contact her and I didn't speak to my DGC. Also, my DD's gave him a lot of support, helping him to find somewhere to live and other things and also never spoke to DIL or DGC either. I think my DIL is hurt and no longer trusts us. At the end of the day though, he is my son and family and so I don't know what else I could have done.

Could this be repairable? WWYD?

Ha ha ha! No way would I be having a nice chat with you now if I was your DIL. You are so utterly self involved! You want a chat now so your DIL can organise nice family days out again after you ignored her and your own grandchildren for 3 months? Unbelievable

I dread to think what this long talk will entail!!
How much op adores and loves her son and clearly no matter what will dump dil and she hopes dil will understand??

I suspect the OP isn't going to like the slating she has rightly been given. Will be surprised if she resurfaces.

I missed that your DD gave her and your grandchildren the same appalling treatment

Note also that it's daughters (plural) ... I don't even want to imagine the bitching about the DIL that probably went on between the lot of them

Note also that OP presumed the marriage was over for good, but also says they "never got to the bottom" of why the son felt as he did. Call me dense but those two things really don't seem to go together, unless - as so often - there's a lot we weren't told

Your DIL was vulnerable and isolated and no one from the family thought to check on her.

If you never got the bottom of why your son wanted to leave, it is possible that he hurt her in some way (cheating etc).She was the one that told you he was leaving and was worried about him. You took that information and only looked after your son. In 3 months you did not contact your grandchildren because you thought that relationship was over, how did you think that would play out?

Your DIL does not feel the same way about your family anymore. You reap what you sow. She is beyond gracious to still be polite and visit.

You could try speaking to her or sending a letter to explain and see if you can restore some of the former affection but you will need to work hard to show her that you want to remain close and be part of her family.

I have similar relationship with my PiL, they were not there for me during a challenging time. They never picked up the phone to check in or see how me or grandchildren were and then caused problems by saying we were the ones ignoring them. People show their true colours in difficult times. I am polite and still see them but I wouldn’t go out of my way for them. An apology and acknowledgement would would along way at making a start to make amends.

Strikes me that in terms of emotional intelligence the apple hasn’t fallen too far from the tree with you and your son.

Jesus, even when I broke up with my teenage boyfriend his mum sent me a message to say she was sorry to hear, wishing me well if that was that, but also if we worked things out she'd also be delighted. I've never forgotten it and she's my MIL years later.

@evrey

I'm in a similar situation my husband left me and our children for 4 months,his df rallied around him , set him up with a deposit , car etc. Meanwhile I couldn't afford the rent with his 2 grandchildren and was made homeless , had to claim benefits that took 6 weeks to come through and was dependent on food banks to feed his grandchildren. We have decided to give things another go..however I no longer see my Dfil as my family and won't be making an effort.

Ok your FIL is a arsehole but why are you taking his turd back? Didn't the turd know that his children were being made homeless, didn't the turd know his children were being fed via food banks? Why didn't the turd support his own children? Where is your self worth that you are taking this turd back after what he put you and the kids through? At least your FIL was a good father to his turd by stepping up to look after him but the turd did not step up to look after his kids?

Sorry if you think this is harsh, I am speaking from experience of leaving a selfish narcissistic lying abusive shit. Please don't waste your time on this creature who didn't step up for his kids when they needed him.

I think you made it pretty clear who you would help and who you would leave out to dry!
Honestly i think it’s disgusting behaviour on your part and i would also struggle to move past this.
Her husband walked out on her and their 2 kids, she calls you because she is worried about him and you never once offer to help, see how she is, contact your GDC!!!

So I’m close enough to my MIL that I could turn to her in my hour if need. If I needed. I wouldn’t have any trouble saying please help etc

But if I turned to her and all she did was support her son. Not me and our children. I’d be devastated. I’d understand it. But I don’t think I could ever forgive her.

You didn’t speak to your DGC for 3 months?

If I was DIL you’d be binned off for good for pulling a nasty trick like that.

Perhaps she had a revelation like the Maya Angelou saying,

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Not going to stick the boot In further, but just have to say, I absolutely agree with everything said upthread.

This post is up there with the most shocking I have read on here.
You're a despicable example of a MIL and Grandmother and I thank heavens for mine.

Also agree here with all said. Shame on you, you can’t have the good bits and expect DPL to arrange them. She is the one I feel for.

I think it's very presumptuous to think she will be up for a 'long chat'. If I were you I would just appologise, say you handled it badly & leave the ball in her court. If my ex mil did that to my children I would be very hurt.

You and your other children sound awful. I wonder how your DD's would feel if the same happened to them?

@TokyoDreaming - so you're saying if your DD walked out and left her partner with the kids - never really even giving him a reason why - you'd not even bother to send him a single text?

Why are you expecting your DIL
to make arrangements - surely this is your son's responsibility?

I'm not surprised she's stepped back from you. You are not her family and you made that very clear when you ditched her and your GC for 3 months

"At the end of the day he is my son and my family"

Exactly!
You are not her family and she owes you nothing.
You are getting what you deserve.
Well done

You've given her a taster of what you're like should they seperate/divorce in the future, no wonder she's the way she is. She's basically been forewarned about your feelings/behaviour towards her and her child
To not see your Grandchild or even ring your DiL to see how she is/if she needed anything? She's being more gracious than I ever would tbh

Oh and your 'D'D sound just as bad as you
I hope you're all very happy supporting your 'Little Soldier' because you all certainly closed ranks didn't you

You reap what you sow.

I’m confused though- what isn’t to your liking? You chose to just drop them, and we’re talking months, not a couple of weeks. So presumably, the truth is that you don’t give a shit about her and the grandchildren, and weren’t bothered on whether they were ok. Or you’d have naturally got in touch? So do you actually care that much that she’s drawn a line, really?? How?!

There’s no ‘healing’ to be done here either, sorry. It’s quite simple, you showed her what she meant to you when the chips were down, and that has quite obviously changed everything. They say ‘actions not words’ and it’s true. Your actions showed your true feelings. I can’t imagine words will sound like anything but lies in order to brush all this under the carpet —so that she can get back to running round after you all making your lives lovely—

Also, I doubt their marriage will last btw, your son sounds a complete twat. So there’s that to think about too. Maybe just leave it. You can’t say anything that will make her think you give a shit, because you don’t.

You were out of order not to speak to her and check in. I would be the same as her tbh

Your own grandchildren went through what was almost certainly the most stressful trauma of their little lives and where were you? Honestly you don't deserve to call yourself family.

I can just about sort of understand you not wanting long chats with dil

but what have your gc got to do with this-youre stilltheir grandparents they must have been so confused