AIBU to have handled it this way re DS and DIL?

[MagnifyingGlasses]

A year and a half ago my DS wanted to leave his wife and 2 young DC. We never got to the bottom of why he did, he just said he was unhappy and wanted to be on his own. DIL was very upset and I found out about this because she called me up to tell me he was leaving and was worried about him. DS didn't tell us himself.

After this we tried to support DS and both DH and I and his siblings gave him support by offering him a place to stay and bring the DC etc. It didn't get to this stage though as DS decided he wanted to stay with his family and DIL.

Since then I feel my relationship, and that of DH and my other DC, has deteriorated drastically with DIL. We all used to spend a lot of time together such as meals out, go away for the weekend together, days out and even holidays together. A lot of it organised by her and DS with their DC, my only DGC.

We are not NC with them, we do still see them, but not on the scale we used to. She no longer offers to organise things for us all to do, and we are no longer invited on any days out, trips etc. She is welcoming and friendly when we do see them, or when they are at our house, but it feels strained and she no longer opens up around us.

I do think I did some things wrong when they were separated, which was for about 3 months. During that time I thought their relationship was over, so I didn't contact her and I didn't speak to my DGC. Also, my DD's gave him a lot of support, helping him to find somewhere to live and other things and also never spoke to DIL or DGC either. I think my DIL is hurt and no longer trusts us. At the end of the day though, he is my son and family and so I don't know what else I could have done.

Could this be repairable? WWYD?

Support not supposed.

Why wouldn’t you pick up the phone to ask after the children at least, who would no doubt be devastated by their father leaving home?

I don’t blame her for being cooler with you now

I think that you are lucky that your DIL is being as agreeable as she is! When I split with my exH amicably, my MIL said that she would support all of us and she did as did my parents. We didn't get back together but remain co parents and have healthy relations with each other's In laws. Your DIL and GC woukd have been going through a dreadful time and, unless she did something awful, you should have been there for them too. Apologise

You can now see that the previous invitations etc are a result of your DIL putting herself out there and making an effort. I would not have blamed her for stopping making any effort with you

It was unacceptable and cold to not even speak to your GC for 3 months. They probably needed as much support as your son did. You've shown your true feelings with "but he's my son..." excuse. The GC are innocents who could have benefitted from support during a terrible time.

Hi OP - you’ve messed up, badly. When I broke up with my ex, my SIL (his sister) did not contact me for 6 months until he told her how upset I was that she hadn’t reached out. We were always close, closer than my ex was to her, and she vanished off the face of the earth. She said she had emailed me, she lied. There was no email.

We speak again now but it will never ever be the same again. Out of all the crap that went on, and believe me I could write a book on the crap, she hurt me the most. She will always be kept at arms length sadly.

You're lucky she had anything to do with you at all OP. I wouldn't.

Tbh I wouldn't trust you with the kids again. You were happy to drop them to support your son. I'd hope if anything happened between DH and I, my ILs would prioritise our DS over us first and foremost. Obviously DH is their son but I know they love me and I'd be incredibly hurt if they didn't even send a text to see how I was.

When my DB cheated on his wife, we made a huge effort to show her that she is always a part of our family and they didn't have kids.

OP,

You showed her who you were and she believes you.

In a similar situation I believe the vast majority would behave like wise.

You thought the marriage was over and she no longer was worthy of a single phone call.

I'm sorry, but that is shocking.

I think that she contines to be polite and respectful is a HUGE credit to her.

I think you can speak to her, but offer nothing other than abject apology and an acceptance that you behaved very poorly.

I really don't think you should have ANY expectations from her, other than her hopefully remaining courtesy.

You really let her and her CHILDREN down.
I wouldn't forget that either.

A major lapse not to be in touch for three months to find out how she & your GC were, irrespective of why & for how long she & your DS were separated.

What were you thinking at that time? How did you think the situation would play out if the separation were permanent? Did you assume that DS would be the conduit to regular contact with your GC? I am somewhat gobsmacked that you say that you did not see your GC at that time.

As others have said, your DiL must have taken stock & decided to return the compliment of not bothering with you.

It sounds like she is polite enough now to facilitate just enough contact, but that & no more.

She turned to you for help when the marriage imploded. Your DS gave you no idea of what was going on - she told you! Then, in effect, you abandoned her & her children to weather the storm. Now she & your DS are back together, is anyone the wiser about what happened & the underlying causes? Are they getting help to rebuild their marriage? My hunch is that your DS will out of the marriage & be back soon with you or elsewhere else.

You will have to go a long way for her to trust you enough for her to give even a bit more. She might wish to be closer & inclusive again & you can all work on that together. But I wouldn’t hold my breath if I were you.

You do need to pull out the stops, reflect upon how you managed the situation & the assumptions you made (somehow something will be sorted out for me to see the GC later), because if I were your DiL my assumption would be that you OK with the easy ride when the marriage benefitted you, but dumped her & her children when times were rough - she now knows that she does not need you & you are really not that bothered with her or her children.

You will have to work very hard to get back from this & I suggest that you dedicate time & effort to this as there are no guarantees that the marriage will last. Unless you are OK with very occasional contact with your GC.

I'd just be pleasant to her and accept that she's got your number ...

The difficulty there is that it takes a very principled personality to accept that someone's "got their number" and still go on being pleasant; very many turn to looking for issues in who they've offended so it's somehow "not their fault" any more

And unfortunately it rarely helps in healing things

I would be so,so,so hurt in her position. I can’t believe how in three months you didn’t pick up the phone to reach out to her and your own grandchildren. Your DIL is a saint.

I get not speaking to your DIL, but ignoring your grandchildren? Come the fuck on.

@TokyoDreaming

I get not speaking to your DIL, but ignoring your grandchildren? Come the fuck on.

Why do you 'get' not speaking to the DIL?

She's their mother!

I would never forgive anyone who ignored my children/their grandchildren. I think your DIL is being amazing to be even civil in your presence.

so I didn't contact her and I didn't speak to my DGC. Also, my DD's gave him a lot of support, helping him to find somewhere to live and other things and also never spoke to DIL or DGC either.

Blimey! No wonder she's not very open with you now!!! Why would her relationship with your son ending mean you didn't contact her? Or your DGC??? Bizarre

*Why do you 'get' not speaking to the DIL?

She's their mother!*

So? Her priority should have been her son and grandchildren.

If my daughter ever split up from her husband I certainly wouldn't be ringing him to see how he was getting on.

I'm glad you have realised how wrong your were OP.

FYI, I split up with my ex before I found out I was pregnant and my MIL was absolutely lovely to me all through my pregnancy and a wonderful grandmother to my dd.

I do find it odd that you excluded your grandchild/ren from your idea of family.

Your son is a dick and you can tell its hereditary just by your post. He can't just opt out of family life for abit because he's bored, you supported that choice and cut your DIL & DGC.
She's being generous with the politeness, I wouldn't give you the time of day.

I think I am going to ask DIL to come for a long talk with me and see if we can heal any of this.

I wouldn't want to be alone with you because I wouldn't trust you at this point. It may be best to play the polite game and leave her be. You've shown your true colours and she deserves better tbh.

Just to add also. The strain you must now have put on your ds and dil marriage, maybe they argue about your behaviour and how its affected dil and dil has only accepted him back if they close ranks and you aren't invited to days out/meals etc. They may end up splitting up permanently because of this. And yet you are completely oblivious to your actions and the impact it had to people at the time and in the future. I also sincerely hope your ds isn't forcing your dil to see you and play happy families.

When you go and have a chat with her because that's what you should do, not summon her to you . Then give dil the option on how to move forward and accept the fact if she wants nc with you.

Sorry, but you were out of order. I feel sorry for your DIL. Yes you supported your son, but you surely had a duty of care to your Dgc and DIL? You should have make sure they were coping too. You are lucky that she is polite to you. You are going to have to suck it up I'm afraid.

You owe your DIL a sincere and unqualified apology for ignoring her and worse still, your poor GC. I should imagine they felt utterly rejected and in her shoes, I would struggle to trust you again and would worry you would blank your GC again if your DS left them again.
Apologise to her and tell her you were totally wrong to do that, no excuses and promise her you would never do it again, even IF your DS left them. She will need to time to heal from the hurt you've inflicted on her and the GC and you need to accept that the onus is on YOU to earn back her trust and respect AND accept that you may never fully do so! Then and only then may she start to to initiate contact with you again but don't expect it, you've no right. Other posters are correct in that you should be grateful she still talks to you at all, never mind is polite to you! She sounds like a lovely person and a better DIL than you deserve. Try to change that!

You think you did something wrong? I am speechless that you didn't speak to your DIL for three months. What you did was UNFORGIVABLE. If I was her, I wouldn't organise anything with you ever again. She is your DIL. Part of your family. Needs your help and support. You ignored her during an incredibly difficult time. What you sow you reap. I would expect to have a far less close with her and your GC (NOT DGC after the way you treated them as well). I am shocked.

Do I have this right? When DA abandoned his family you completely ignored your DIL AND DGC?!

I'm shocked they are not NC with you. I wouldn't trust you again or like you.

There was absolutely no reason why you couldn't have supposed your DS as well as maintain a relationship with his abandoned family. When I fell out with my sister my mother managed to maintain a relationship with us both.

Why were you so cruel!!?

The only way out of this js to take full responsibility for your unkind behaviour and GROVEL.

The fact she's still giving you the time of day says a lot about what a wonderful person she is. It's a shame your family don't treat her better.