AIBU to have handled it this way re DS and DIL?

[MagnifyingGlasses]

A year and a half ago my DS wanted to leave his wife and 2 young DC. We never got to the bottom of why he did, he just said he was unhappy and wanted to be on his own. DIL was very upset and I found out about this because she called me up to tell me he was leaving and was worried about him. DS didn't tell us himself.

After this we tried to support DS and both DH and I and his siblings gave him support by offering him a place to stay and bring the DC etc. It didn't get to this stage though as DS decided he wanted to stay with his family and DIL.

Since then I feel my relationship, and that of DH and my other DC, has deteriorated drastically with DIL. We all used to spend a lot of time together such as meals out, go away for the weekend together, days out and even holidays together. A lot of it organised by her and DS with their DC, my only DGC.

We are not NC with them, we do still see them, but not on the scale we used to. She no longer offers to organise things for us all to do, and we are no longer invited on any days out, trips etc. She is welcoming and friendly when we do see them, or when they are at our house, but it feels strained and she no longer opens up around us.

I do think I did some things wrong when they were separated, which was for about 3 months. During that time I thought their relationship was over, so I didn't contact her and I didn't speak to my DGC. Also, my DD's gave him a lot of support, helping him to find somewhere to live and other things and also never spoke to DIL or DGC either. I think my DIL is hurt and no longer trusts us. At the end of the day though, he is my son and family and so I don't know what else I could have done.

Could this be repairable? WWYD?

so I didn't contact her and I didn't speak to my DGC.

You people effectively abandoned her.

Your son may have had another woman lined up and it never worked out so had to go back to her.

She's probably only taken him back because of the children, fear of being on her own.

You could have supported your son and her at the same time, instead you all abandoned her and now wonder why she's closed off to you!

At least she's still civil.

You people are not her family and you let her know that.

No point in crying about it now.

I missed that your DD gave her and your grandchildren the same appalling treatment. The apple obviously didn’t fall far from the tree !!
Your DIL is a much bigger person than the two of you put together.

Don’t be surprised if they split one day in the future and you can bet your bottom dollar that you will have contributed to it.

After all there can’t be many women who would want to be attached to a shallow and cruel family like yours.

Wow. I just read your second post. Words fail me. You are a lame excuse for a grandmother and you have been found out. Your excuses are shallow, weak and insubstantial. I doubt apologising will do any good. You have revealed exactly who and what you are. Your son pulled the rug out from underneath her feet and you went on holiday and pottered around waiting for "structures" to be put in place. I am appalled by you. I doubt you'll read this of course - you are "scared" and you'll be busy hiding from the reality of what a pathetic excuse for a MIL/ grandmother you are.

Despite what posters have written here I don't believe for one minute that @MagnifyingGlasses will accept she and her family have done anything wrong.

The Opening Post was bad enough but the follow up post was no improvement.

I get the impression that OP expected the DIL to kill the fatted calf and just pick up where they left off when they deigned to reinsert themselves in her and her children's lives. The son is obviously regarded as and treated as a Prince who can do no wrong by OP and family, obvious where the never in the wrong attitude came from.

Even though I detest them I was hoping this was a reverse or not real, I'm struggling to see how anyone could be so blinkered and callous as the OP is.

I totally understand why you’d prioritise supporting your son, presuming she has friends and family who supported her too?

Maybe she just feels awkward about it all now and it’s going to take a little repairing? I’m sure if you put the effort into making her feel appreciated and welcome the relationship will repair x

I'm really baffled as to why you're baffled OP. From your own admission it sounds like DIL really really tried with all of you and lovingly went above and beyond to include you all and make you part of her family. Not only was she heartbroken that her own little family was being ripped apart but she was probably also devastated that she was losing all of you too. And on top of that there's a double betrayal not only by her husband but all of you too. So there's a massive elephant in the the room but hasn't been addressed yet. Have you even had a conversation with her? Have you apologised? Given some sort of explanation? It's very simple (if you haven't figured it out) she no longer trusts you and rightly so. What irritates me is your question "What was I supposed to do?" By all means stand by your child just don't enable them.

Your poor DiL, personally I’d be grateful to still be involved and not push for things to be back to how they were, it may get back there it may not.

I'm commenting for a second time.
I just can't believe what a d* the OP is and then has the nerve to feel sorry for herself publicly.
I hope DIL finds a better husband and in laws then she has now or a better life on her own.
This mil, her son, her daughter's are trash.

You’re having a chat now because you want things to be nice for you again.

Not because you genuinely feel bad and want apologise, explain and improve things for her.

You could have picked up the phone, that wouldn’t have been disloyal to your son. Unfortunately you showed your Dil that regardless of her being the mother of your dgc that your relationship has conditions. Of course, changes would happen if they split but you completely ignored her. I’m surprised she still sees you tbh. I would say you’ve done irreversible damage and she’ll never ever look at you in the same way. Surely you can understand how not contacting her for 3 months shows you don’t care for her at all? Why now pretend you do? The main thing that bothers you is that she doesn’t organise as much with you, not that she’s hurt, which I think is incredibly unkind and selfish of you even now.

Mind you the son clearly thinks it's okay to waltz in and out of his wife and children's lives, so it's unsurprising the OP thinks the same. Apple doesn't fall far from the tree and all that.

You should all be ashamed of yourselves! That poor girl, you all behaved disgustingly. Instead of being there for the person that’s had her heart broken you’re all rallying around helping the one who’s caused all this! You didn’t even speak to your grandchildren? Wow. If you all turned your back on me the way you did to them we would be NC.

You and your children sound horrible.

Don't ask her to come for a long talk.
Absolutely don't do that.

You go to her. On her ground. And you grovel.
Apologise and don't excuse yourself.
Explain but the whole explanation needs to be why, not an excuse.
You chose a side and that was clear.

She came to you to tell you what was happening. She trusted you and you let her, and her kids, down.

Acknowledge, apologise and ask for a future relationship. If she grants you one, spend the rest of your life proving you meant what you said.

@MagnifyingGlasses

Gosh, I'm scared to come back.

I do know that I didn't handle it right, resulting in this and I am sorry about it.

Regarding the 3 months. DS stayed in the marital home for a while at the beginning, then I was away on holiday for 3 weeks. They don't live close to us and we don't see them that often. I did speak to DS about the DGC and asked after them to make sure they were all right. I know that is not ideal. I definitely would not have not seen them again. I was just waiting to see what was going to happen long term and see what structures would be put in place.

I think I am going to ask DIL to come for a long talk with me and see if we can heal any of this.

Thanks for all the comments.

I hope she tells you where to go! You all sound horrible. She deserves better and so do those kids

Wow. Sorry, but that's awful. Your son had just decided, for some inexplicable reason, to leave his family and you fucked off on holiday for 3 weeks? You sound like my grandparents and their DD who went on holiday when my dad, their son, was diagnosed as being terminally ill.

@BronwenFrideswide, I suspect you are correct.

The OP supported her son abandoning his wife and children.

She and her daughter then followed suit.

What a shower.

If the DIL has any sense she won't hang around.

Dreadful way to behave.

@billy1966 I am hoping that the DIL is planning and preparing to leave OP's son and is using the time to get everything in order.

[quote BronwenFrideswide]@billy1966 I am hoping that the DIL is planning and preparing to leave OP's son and is using the time to get everything in order.[/quote]
Ditto.

Before the split who organised all of these trips and meals out and activities? Your DIL or your son? If it was your DIL then no, do not have a chat with her and try to 'heal' the relationship where she arranges all of the contact with HIS side of the family after her husband left her for 3 months (presumably doing most of the childcare?) and you couldn't so much as send a text to check she was ok. If your son was the main organiser then get on to him, or organise things yourself and invite them. If you want to have a chat with her then I'd suggest it is nothing more then an apology for the way you handled the situation.

All you can do is apologise for not checking in on her and try and make amends.

Your actions showed her that every effort she made (and I guess she was the main instigator of the meet ups) accounted for nothing. You sided with your son and I imagine she has learnt not to get too invested in future nor rely on you for support.

I can say a lot of things about my MIL but I know without any shadow of a doubt that if that situation arose for us she would be on the phone offering her support and to maintain a relationship with her grandchild. I cannot fathom how you could just cut them off like that out of 'loyalty' to your son. And for that matter why didn't he say anything?

No wonder your DIL isn't going out of her way anymore, she's seen what you're capable of. You've really messed up here and you owe her a huge apology. This is on YOU not her. I would be expecting to do all the legwork for a good long time.

@Hobnobswantshernameback

Reverse?

I am thinking exactly that too.

@TokyoDreaming

*Why do you 'get' not speaking to the DIL?

She's their mother!*

So? Her priority should have been her son and grandchildren.

If my daughter ever split up from her husband I certainly wouldn't be ringing him to see how he was getting on.

You sound like a lovely.

sound lovely*