AIBU to have handled it this way re DS and DIL?

[MagnifyingGlasses]

A year and a half ago my DS wanted to leave his wife and 2 young DC. We never got to the bottom of why he did, he just said he was unhappy and wanted to be on his own. DIL was very upset and I found out about this because she called me up to tell me he was leaving and was worried about him. DS didn't tell us himself.

After this we tried to support DS and both DH and I and his siblings gave him support by offering him a place to stay and bring the DC etc. It didn't get to this stage though as DS decided he wanted to stay with his family and DIL.

Since then I feel my relationship, and that of DH and my other DC, has deteriorated drastically with DIL. We all used to spend a lot of time together such as meals out, go away for the weekend together, days out and even holidays together. A lot of it organised by her and DS with their DC, my only DGC.

We are not NC with them, we do still see them, but not on the scale we used to. She no longer offers to organise things for us all to do, and we are no longer invited on any days out, trips etc. She is welcoming and friendly when we do see them, or when they are at our house, but it feels strained and she no longer opens up around us.

I do think I did some things wrong when they were separated, which was for about 3 months. During that time I thought their relationship was over, so I didn't contact her and I didn't speak to my DGC. Also, my DD's gave him a lot of support, helping him to find somewhere to live and other things and also never spoke to DIL or DGC either. I think my DIL is hurt and no longer trusts us. At the end of the day though, he is my son and family and so I don't know what else I could have done.

Could this be repairable? WWYD?

So your poor, poor DIL had spent years cultivating a loving relationship with you and her SILs, organising lovely days out and holidays, then the second her useless manchild of a husband decides to dump her and his children because "he isn't very happy" you all fall over yourselves to make sure he is ok, and in the process shit all over her and your "only" grandchildren.

^^ yes - years cultivating that side of things, always on her to do the thinking and including ! I really am amazed she steps foot in the house.

Little, I am not sure just concentrating in GC would be enough. They did appanretly say they would make provision for the GC if he moved out out.

Ah, gotcha Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas.

OP did jump the gun

Whatever is going on in your life, including holidays, it doesn't stop you from picking up the phone.
To not even enquire after both her and your grandchildrens welfare is shocking, particularly when something like this has happened to them.
I wouldn't trust you again either.

My EX MIL was a major support to me and the DC when her son left me for the OW.

He moved many miles away to be with OW and so sees his DM infrequently, now, over a decade later, on a day to day basis, my DC and I get her shopping, sort out internet problems and ring to check she's OK. It was clear at the time of the split that she still loved and cared for us, even while she, OF COURSE, supported her son.

Yes, you have got this very wrong OP - IF you care about your DIL. To be honest it doesn't sound like you do, much. You care about the GC, but she is likely to be the gatekeeper to that relationship now, she may be trying to protect them from being hurt by you.

You cut off a woman who reached out to you as her MIL when she was in a terrible situation because of your son.
You showed her who you truly are.
She must have been so hurt in one of the most stressful & frightening times of her life to have reached out to you & you basically told her to fuck off.
She obviously thought you were a better woman than you are.

Your relationship with her & your grandchildren was based on whether or not your son wanted to dip his wick in her or not.

When he walked away, leaving her with all the responsibility & worry of being a single parent not knowing he might change his mind, you ran after him & didn't even ask her how she was doing.

You didn't contact her once to see how she was or how your grandchildren were.
You left them to sink while you pandered to your son.
How do you think that felt for her, while she tried to explain to her kids why daddy isn't there?

She knows what she is to you now, why would she want such a nasty person in her life just because your son has decided he'll act like a responsible father for now?

Why do you think she doesn't need to learn to protect herself from your family in case it happens again?

You owe that woman a MASSIVE apology.
It won't be enough, but maybe if you can convince her that you would never do anything so evil again it might be a start.

Not one that includes your son, one just for her because you let her down as your DIL & you let your grandchildren down as a grandparent.

She ought to know that you know you were deeply wrong (& your husband was equally just as bad) who rightly deserves to never see those grandchildren again.

Just out of interest - in your first post you mention your DH. Did he have anything to do with the grandkids during that three months? if not, why not? Why is it only down to the MIL to ask/care about them?

I do think people are being a bit idealistic here in relation to the DIL. It's a bit like the step kids/birth kids thing. Ultimately blood relatives matter more to most people regardless of how people try to spin it. The DIL might have thought of her in laws as family. But now she's realised that her in-laws didn't and don't think of her as such and is now reacting as such.

OP, when my father left my DM, his mother very clearly sided with him and my DM quite rightly felt aggrieved. I am just as angry at her as him, for the lack of support and care she showed all of us. We haven’t had a relationship with her since. You have time to make a positive relationship with your DIL and I sincerely hope you do.

You can apologize all you want but you destroyed her trust in the most callous way. Sounds like she loved you and treated you like you were blood and then you ghosted her for absolutely no reason.

"I do think I did some things wrong when they were separated, which was for about 3 months. During that time I thought their relationship was over, so I didn't contact her and I didn't speak to my DGC. Also, my DD's gave him a lot of support, helping him to find somewhere to live and other things and also never spoke to DIL or DGC either. I think my DIL is hurt and no longer trusts us. At the end of the day though, he is my son and family and so I don't know what else I could have done."

Nice to know you don't consider your grandchildren are not family, given that you walked away from them as soon as your son did.

@MagnifyingGlasses, you fucked up big time, and even now you don't seem to see it, with your 'so I don't know what else I could have done' pish.

Be aware - your daughter-in-law now sees you for what you are. She sees a woman who dropped her and her children the instant her son bleated that he was 'unhappy' with her. Why the hell would she make any effort with you, given how little effort you made for her? Look at what you wrote - "We all used to spend a lot of time together such as meals out, go away for the weekend together, days out and even holidays together. A lot of it organised by her and DS with their DC, my only DGC." I'd bet good money that all those times were NOT organised by her and DS, but were organised by her and her alone. And still you ghosted her and your only grandchildren at the drop of a hat. You should be very ashamed of yourself, but I suspect you're blocking that out by repeatedly bleating that "I don't know what else I could have done" to yourself.

Consequences. We teach our children that their actions have consequences. You forgot that lesson, somewhere along the way. Welcome to your well-deserved consequences.

I would write her a note, not speak to her as the message you want to convey is of contrition not self image preservation.

Maybe you need to organise and pay for a day out or a holiday ( possibly not a holiday as too soon).

She called you in a panic because her husband abandoned her and young children, then had to leave her marital home, you didn't check in on her or your grandchildren once, and you want her to continue organising you day trips????

Utterly unforgivable in my opinion.

Ultimately blood relatives matter more to most people regardless of how people try to spin it

Most of us know this, Jeurgen; it's a natural way to feel and nobody's suggested the relationship with the DIL would have stayed exactly the same if the split had been permanent

But not to pick up the phone in the immediate aftermath, even to ask after the children, and to discard the DIL quite so quickly?? Sorry but that's not a nice way to behave (and I'm glad a PP suggested that the grandfather could equally well have done it, since not everything has to be left to the women)

Ha, why on earth would she want to spend any extra time with you, you didn't care about her enough to even check on her when your son left, which is harsh enough but to not even speak to your grandchildren?And you're surprised she's no longer making extra effort? I think you're lucky she's polite when you do see them!

Supporting him and checking up on her/your grandkids could both have been done at the same time!!

I don't think you deserve her extra time at all.

So your son was going to leave his wife and his young children for no apparent fault of theirs and you supported HIM?!? What the actual fuck?! I had a similar "gift" of an ex-husband, but at least my ex-MIL is a very decent human being and would not cut me or her grandkid out of her life just because her son is acting like an arsehole.

So they break up and your grandchildren don’t deserve your contact anymore? I think you need to apologise and clear the air

You need to grovel!

At the end of the day though, he is my son and family and so I don't know what else I could have done

Well, you could have called her. It didn’t have to be either/or. But you chose your son, despite him being in the wrong, and chose to ignore her and your Grandchildren.

No point piling on any further, but there was no excuse not to contact your grandchildren, OP. I am astounded that you didn't do this. They had a major upheaval in their lives with their Dad leaving (and not leaving), compounded by losing their grandmother and aunts, too. Never mind how your DIL felt.

I am not one for writing things that can be dredged up later on, but I think you should see if she's willing to meet. Not for a long conversation, but so that you can apologise profusely for your awful behaviour. She may accept your apology for the sake of her children's relationship with you, though she may also not want to have someone actively involved with them who might just pull the plug on the relationship again with no reason or warning.

I am as shocked as everyone else by this. My DB and SIL broke up over a decade ago and my sister and I still send her Christmas and birthday presents and she didn't ever live near either of us so we weren't friends as such. We think of her as the mother of our nieces so family also we realise the financial difficulties of being a single parent. Your behaviour is utterly baffling and I hope you can convince her of how regretful you are and get back some of the warmth to the relationship.

I wouldn't find this repairable if I was your DIL. Even if you did make a grovelling apology, the damage has been done. She was family and you cut her out like she was nothing to you. I could probably have come to terms with your that, but you did the same to your own grandchildren, and that would be the nail in the coffin for me.
When my dad left my mum 35 years ago, my nan still treated her like a daughter and continued to see me regularly, until her death this year.
You're lucky she's even being civil to you , and I suspect that's more for the GC sake rather than yours.

I do think people are being a bit idealistic here in relation to the DIL. It's a bit like the step kids/birth kids thing. Ultimately blood relatives matter more to most people regardless of how people try to spin it. The DIL might have thought of her in laws as family. But now she's realised that her in-laws didn't and don't think of her as such and is now reacting as such.

They also didn’t think of their own grandchildren as family. Dropped them and welcomed him home.

When I permanently split with my ex he took residence of our daughter. My parents hate him for reasons I won't go into but they still have tried their hardest to remain in contact for the sake of our daughter, their granddaughter.

I know it may have been difficult, but imagine how difficult it was for his wife who was left alone with kiddies.

In answer to your question I don't think its repairable, no.

I'd just be pleasant to her and accept that she's got your number, and no amount of apologising is going to change that.

I'd be gutted if my MIL didn't speak to me or the kids for 3 months at such a difficult time. Especially as it doesn't sound like she actually did anything wrong.

I think you showed your hand . Yes supposed your son but why did you ignore her and even more importantly, your GC?