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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be potentially homeless when I’m old?

431 replies

Dogmummy1980 · 28/12/2021 12:46

I’ve been with DP now for 2.5 years and we moved in together a few months ago - me moving into his house. I was renting a property previously and also moved in with debts that are now almost clear. We have 4 kids, 2 each, none together. I’ve always said if it is that we split I would never claim for his house - I don’t own a property and his is mortgaged but in the instance we split it wouldnt feel right me doing so. He is divorced and it was their marital home. I pay half of the household outgoings each month

However my mind is niggling at me - if we are together until he dies then what then for me? When I’ve brought it up he has simply said to trust that his kids/family wouldn’t see me having to move out immediately. Whaaaattt??? He has also now claimed I am asking this as I am after money - I’m absolutely not as my only question has been if/when we were elderly. I am also aware I would never be in his will - the entire lot would be for his kids. I’m a benefactor in my mums will so eventually I would be ok money wise (as much as I hate to think of this idea)

So essentially for me to ensure I have somewhere to live when I am old I would need to buy a property and rent it out for the next goodness knows how long - something I really don’t want to have to do but I see no other way to protect myself when I’m old. I rented out my now sold (at a loss) property before and it’s been all manners of hassle.

AIBU to think this is ridiculous that I’m having to do this? That you either want to build a life with someone or you don’t??? And certainly if you are planning on spending to next 30+ years with someone you wouldn’t just expect your DP to leave their home at that sort of age in those circumstances?? I just feel lost/bereft - huge mix of emotions really!

OP posts:
LaBellina · 28/12/2021 12:47

He said you’re after money when you’re just being concerned about if you’ll have a roof over your head when you’re elderly and he dies before you? 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Stompythedinosaur · 28/12/2021 12:50

If your dp was so inclined I believe he could make a will where you are able to stay living in the house before it passing to his dc after your death.

But if you aren't paying towards the mortgage you could presumably save the money you would have paid on rent towards your old age? Buying a property to rent is quite a good idea, I'd have said. Or would your dp be open to renting his current property and you buy together?

2.5 years doesn't seem like a huge time to be together to me so I can see why he is safeguarding his dc's inheritance.

LethargicActress · 28/12/2021 13:00

Wanting to 'build a life' with someone is for you heaters who are just starting out, not for Middle aged adults who already have two children.

If you are only paying for a share of household bills, then you should be in a position to save. You came from a rented property, there's no reason why you shouldn't go back into a rented property if your DP dies or you split up. It is right that your dps children inherit when he dies, and he is right to protect that for them.

CharSiu · 28/12/2021 13:14

No one can rely on inheriting at all as the only way of surviving their own old age. MIL is 80 and her house is worth a minimum of £500k but who knows if she will need nursing care. My Mother changed her will and left everything to her favourite child cutting out the rest of us without telling us. So that was a bit of a shock, though not to myself and one other sister as we expected it.

If I ever ended up now I’m well in to middle age with a new partner I absolutely would protect my assets for my DS to solely inherit. But as I find most men irritating if I end up single I plan to have a lodger and not a lover.

Motnight · 28/12/2021 13:20

Op a friend of mine was in a very similar situation to you. Her partner died unexpectedly and his adult kids gave her a week to leave the house that had been her home for years. It was a horrible time for her. However it had been made clear to her all along that she wasn't in his will, so this would happen.

ThreeLittleDots · 28/12/2021 13:23

Are you paying half the mortgage every month?

Original poster
Dogmummy1980 · 28/12/2021 13:23

See this is the thing - I’ve said I’m not interested in inheriting any of what he has, quite happy for all to go to his kids, but just wanted reassurance that in the instance he died and we were both not at working age (where I would potentially find it difficult to rent) that I wouldn’t be left without a roof over my head. But to leave it to just trust that I wouldn’t be turfed out ‘immediately’ is just a bit wow….

Currently I have a few debts I’m paying off which will be done quite soon and paying towards his house/bills so will be saving up for a property. I’m just a bit bereft that I’m having to do this just to safeguard myself when I’m elderly.

OP posts:
5thnonblonde · 28/12/2021 13:24

You can leave your house or a portion of your house to your kids but with the proviso that the surviving spouse can live in there until they die/need to move, I can’t remember the legal terminology but it isn’t uncommon.

Original poster
Dogmummy1980 · 28/12/2021 13:24

We worked out all the bills for the house plus increased slightly to allow for energy bills etc increasing and I pay a full half

OP posts:
rifling · 28/12/2021 13:25

Please don't put your money into running a house you have no claim over. It probably won't end well, especially as his children will consider it their family home.

Original poster
Dogmummy1980 · 28/12/2021 13:25

@Motnight

Op a friend of mine was in a very similar situation to you. Her partner died unexpectedly and his adult kids gave her a week to leave the house that had been her home for years. It was a horrible time for her. However it had been made clear to her all along that she wasn't in his will, so this would happen.
That’s awful. Also - exactly what I’m worried about!
OP posts:
anniegun · 28/12/2021 13:26

Save for when that happens. You can either rent of buy , if and when you need depending on your circumstances

VladmirsPoutine · 28/12/2021 13:27

So you'd be paying half of his house and not expect anything but the good will of his kids if he died. But you're still willing to pay off his asset that will go to his kids but at least yours will get to live there in the meantime. Yikes. I would run like hell fire away from this arrangement. You'd be doing him a massive favour though! His kids would be delighted to inherit a fully paid off home.

5thnonblonde · 28/12/2021 13:28

Also if you’ve lived in a property over 5 years with a spouse you could claim an interest in it, particularly if you’ve got kids in there too. You could always talk to a solicitor? My DH let his ex ‘rent’ a flat from him and he was warned by his solicitor this was a bad idea and he should refund her any money she’d given as she could claim an interest in it. Also my solicitor friend made her boyfriend sign a legal doc to specifically say he wouldn’t try to make a claim on her mortgages home (uneccesary as they eventually married but just to show it isn’t quite as clear cut as you having no claim whatsoever)

WorraLiberty · 28/12/2021 13:28

I can see both sides of this really except he should never have let you move in.

I honestly wouldn't move a bloke into my house in that situation, especially one in debt. I'd suggest we rent somewhere together once he an afford to and rent my own home out, probably.

Totalwasteofpaper · 28/12/2021 13:29

Sorry I don't get it..
If you never met your OH what was your plan? To rent indefinitely???

are you paying him significant rent? Or paying itno his house improvements?

If not, i dont see how you don't have surplus given you now don't pay rent... you should be investing this in savings or/and buy at buy to let.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 28/12/2021 13:32

You and your kids will get a poor deal out of this. You end up homeless in your old age and they get nothing, where his kids get the house you've paid to run and keep nice. Remind him that you have your kids to think of too

IncompleteSenten · 28/12/2021 13:32

Start a pension and pay every penny you can into it otherwise yes, you may be in trouble in the future

Gardeningtipsneeded · 28/12/2021 13:37

Are you paying half the mortgage or half the bills? Because it makes a huge difference.

You’ve potentially got quite a good opportunity here. Buy yourself something somewhere that will appreciate, hand the whole thing over to letting agents, and it can be accommodation or a pension when the time comes, you can sell and move into something suitable for your life at that time.

Also you’ve only just moved in together….. let things settle and reapproach this another time. In a few years you can discuss changing the Will to allow you to live in the house until you die or move out.

CinnamonJellyBeans · 28/12/2021 13:38

After 2 and a half years he will know if he wants to marry you or not and it looks like "not".

You are providing him with sex (presumably), childcare, company, housework and sharing his bills. He's getting all this commitment-free. He can turf you out at any time with nothing. Your assertion that you will pursue him for his house if you split is pointless: You are entitled to none of it anyway, as you are not married.

You are providing him with sex (presumably), childcare, company, housework and sharing his bills. What's not to like! Bonus points for him if you're also a good cook.

You're being used. Sounds harsh? Ask him to marry you.

However, you can also use the situation to your advantage. Two can live cheaper than one. Once your debts are paid, stash your money for a house deposit. He also has no claim on your savings, so you can stash away safely.

Then you move out.

Scrabblecrabapple · 28/12/2021 13:43

Why are you relying on someone else to put a roof over your head? You should be saving for retirement. If you don’t have enough then reduce the amount you pay, I would t be paying half a mortgage in this case.

Theunamedcat · 28/12/2021 13:43

Pay half the bills yes excluding the mortgage

purpleboxes · 28/12/2021 13:47

@rifling

Please don't put your money into running a house you have no claim over. It probably won't end well, especially as his children will consider it their family home.
THIS!
Pinkdelight3 · 28/12/2021 13:50

I’ve said I’m not interested in inheriting any of what he has, quite happy for all to go to his kids, but just wanted reassurance that in the instance he died and we were both not at working age (where I would potentially find it difficult to rent) that I wouldn’t be left without a roof over my head.

But if you don't want to inherit what's his (and why should you at this point, only 2.45 years in and still paying off your own debts), then what can he offer other than 'they won't kick you out immediately'. He can't put a roof over your head when he's dead unless you inherit the house or at least a life interest in it. So what exactly do you want?

You can speak to a solicitor about the various options and there are many threads on here about the various ways to divvy up expenses so that no one feels ripped off. But just from the general overview, without DP you'd still be paying rent and your debts (sounds like you'd be worse off as the way you phrased it sounds like you've been able to clear more debts since moving in with him) and not have a plan for a roof over your head when elderly either, so it sounds a bit melodramatic to be putting this on him now when it's not his look-out that you've always rented and run up debts. If you want to own a property, it's not an outrageous plan to save up and buy one, and then rent it out to cover the mortgage until you need it or sell it or whatever. Sounds quite sensible. Otherwise the only route is to own some of his property, which isn't what either of you explicitly want.

These things can be minefield, but I don't think it helps to crank up the emotional blackmail of painting yourself as a homeless old person. Try to be more practical and dispassionate about it and see what works best for your financial situation while acknowledging it's still early days for him putting you on the mortgage. I disagree that he should know by now whether he wants to marry you or not. Both of your have 2 DC from other partners so can't be under any illusions about longevity. Hopefully you will be together forever but who can say?

Asiama · 28/12/2021 13:50

What is it that you would like to happen after his death? To stay a year and move out, giving you time to sort yourself out? To stay in there until your own death, at which point his children can access their inheritance?

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