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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be potentially homeless when I’m old?

431 replies

Dogmummy1980 · 28/12/2021 12:46

I’ve been with DP now for 2.5 years and we moved in together a few months ago - me moving into his house. I was renting a property previously and also moved in with debts that are now almost clear. We have 4 kids, 2 each, none together. I’ve always said if it is that we split I would never claim for his house - I don’t own a property and his is mortgaged but in the instance we split it wouldnt feel right me doing so. He is divorced and it was their marital home. I pay half of the household outgoings each month

However my mind is niggling at me - if we are together until he dies then what then for me? When I’ve brought it up he has simply said to trust that his kids/family wouldn’t see me having to move out immediately. Whaaaattt??? He has also now claimed I am asking this as I am after money - I’m absolutely not as my only question has been if/when we were elderly. I am also aware I would never be in his will - the entire lot would be for his kids. I’m a benefactor in my mums will so eventually I would be ok money wise (as much as I hate to think of this idea)

So essentially for me to ensure I have somewhere to live when I am old I would need to buy a property and rent it out for the next goodness knows how long - something I really don’t want to have to do but I see no other way to protect myself when I’m old. I rented out my now sold (at a loss) property before and it’s been all manners of hassle.

AIBU to think this is ridiculous that I’m having to do this? That you either want to build a life with someone or you don’t??? And certainly if you are planning on spending to next 30+ years with someone you wouldn’t just expect your DP to leave their home at that sort of age in those circumstances?? I just feel lost/bereft - huge mix of emotions really!

OP posts:
steppemum · 28/12/2021 15:40

it is really common in a will to specify that the partner/spouse is allowed to remain in the family home until they die.

My FIL lives in the flat that was his wife's. She died a couple of years ago. Her heirs are her neices and nephews and they have always known that he would continue to live in the house for the rest of his life.

My only comment would be, if you are splitting household expenses, but you are not paying rent or mortgage, what is happening to the rest of your income? Are you saving? Are you spending it? Because if you are not paying half the mortgage, then he is paying for you to live rent free. So you could save that money?

GatoradeMeBitch · 28/12/2021 15:46

I’ve always said if it is that we split I would never claim for his house

I'm not sure you could anyway, given that you don't contribute towards the mortgage and you're not married. It might have been an own goal to keep stressing that point.

But it's not out of order to want your partner to care about you. Being pretty certain that his family won't immediately throw you into the street after his death is not super flattering to any of you. All you want is for him to make provision in his will that you can stay in the property for your lifetime. If he won't do that I think you need to start saving hard and cutting back your budget until you have a safety buffer in place.

RoyalFamilyFan · 28/12/2021 15:47

Lifetime tenancies only work if there is enough money to maintain the house. Otherwise, you find some elderly people living in very run down awful houses as they cant afford to maintain them, but also cant sell and move to a house they can afford to maintain.

RoyalFamilyFan · 28/12/2021 15:49

And I know someone who used to socialise with her partners adult kids and got on well with them, who the day after the funeral gave her 48 hours to leave the house. Don't rely on goodwill.

GatoradeMeBitch · 28/12/2021 15:50

Lifetime tenancies only work if there is enough money to maintain the house

In this case he'll have (at some point) two adult children. it will be in their best interests to maintain the house as it will be their investment. She will also have two adult children to help out. I think it's unlikely that between five adults they'll allow the house to fall down.

LolaSmiles · 28/12/2021 15:51

If you were not living in his house you would be paying rent and bills in another house.
Are you expecting to live rent free in his house?
Rent and mortgage isn't the same though.

Paying a mortgage on a property that belongs to someone you're in a romantic relationship with is different to paying a landlord rent to live in a property with appropriate rental agreements and contracts drawn up.

It makes sense for OP to either pay her share of the bills only and nothing towards large home improvements, then invest in her own property, or she moves out and gets her own property which she's entirely responsible for.

RoyalFamilyFan · 28/12/2021 15:53

@GatoradeMeBitch they won't let the house fall down. But people can still end up living in a house that they cant afford to heat and without the adaptations needed as someone gets older, and looking very shabby. I doubt the adult kids will want to pay for decoration, new carpets, heating bills, or stairlifts and wet rooms.
I say this not to be negative, but because I have seen this happen.

ShrinkingViolet9 · 28/12/2021 15:54

Yes, I know what I meant was that if assets are joint the half belonging to the deceased might pass on to the other joint owner, who could then do what they liked what it. For example money in a joint account usually passes to the surviving owner, unless an agreement is signed to the contrary. For a house there are several ways (joint tenants, or tenants in common).

I am aware of the above. But in this instance, the OP's name is not on the mortgage, either as joint tenant or tenant in common (although she is paying towards the mortgage) - so she does not have that security and it is not relevant to her current situation.

OP has not said whether she and her partner have joint bank or joint savings accounts.

RoyalFamilyFan · 28/12/2021 15:54

And if OP was paying proper rent, she would have legal rights that come with the tenancy. Currently she has none.

daytriptovulcan · 28/12/2021 15:55

Could you not get married then? Are you sure he sees your relationship as very long term, ie the rest of your lives. It sounds like you have better living conditions than if you were renting privately. Get over the hassle of renting a house out, and save like mad so you can get on the ladder yourself if you can and if he won't marry. And don't be subsidising his child care obligations.

Notmoresugar · 28/12/2021 15:56

You need to protect your future and buy a property, just as your DP is protecting his future and that of his DCs. I would do exactly the same as your DP.

TractorAndHeadphones · 28/12/2021 15:58

@GatoradeMeBitch

Lifetime tenancies only work if there is enough money to maintain the house

In this case he'll have (at some point) two adult children. it will be in their best interests to maintain the house as it will be their investment. She will also have two adult children to help out. I think it's unlikely that between five adults they'll allow the house to fall down.

On the contrary. None of the children might have the means to contribute. Her kids especially might not want to pay for a house they won’t benefit from. They might rather for example their mother bought her own.

Again it depends on luck… how long the OP lives.. whether something expensive to replace goes.

Ponoka7 · 28/12/2021 15:59

Where I live There's good over 55 provision and more are being built. Once you become pensionable age you are considered vulnerable for housing purposes. I'd more be concerned what would happen if he died around 50, while going through the menopause etc. It's a tough time.
As said, stop paying towards the mortgage and major building costs. It's worrying that he won't write that you can stay in the house for a year. I'd just build up savings and see how this pans out. I don't think that he's in it for the long haul.

daytriptovulcan · 28/12/2021 16:00

Another idea, get a mutual life assurance, so if one of you dies before the age of 65, the other gets, for example 300,000. It wouldn't cost too much.

bonetiredwithtwins · 28/12/2021 16:01

@Notmoresugar

You need to protect your future and buy a property, just as your DP is protecting his future and that of his DCs. I would do exactly the same as your DP.

Exactly this

You've been together 5 mins you have no moral or ethical claim to his assets presumably you splitting bills on this house you live in together is enabling you to pay off your debt which you wouldn't otherwise be able to if you had all the bills on a home to cover yourself?? You're already benefitting from this arrangement

CavernousScream · 28/12/2021 16:01

You should both have taken legal advice before moving in. If he wants you to have no legal claim on the house, you should have a cohabitation agreement in place and you shouldn’t be contributing towards the mortgage. You will legally have a claim on the house as you’ve been paying half the mortgage. That’s whether you split up and move out or if he dies. He’s been very stupid thinking he could have everything his own way.

TractorAndHeadphones · 28/12/2021 16:02

[quote RoyalFamilyFan]@GatoradeMeBitch they won't let the house fall down. But people can still end up living in a house that they cant afford to heat and without the adaptations needed as someone gets older, and looking very shabby. I doubt the adult kids will want to pay for decoration, new carpets, heating bills, or stairlifts and wet rooms.
I say this not to be negative, but because I have seen this happen.[/quote]
That’s another thing - this house is big enough for 6 people (assuming everyone lives in it together now)
How likely is it that the OP/DP are going to continue to live it in until they’re old?

I know we’ve established that the point is really the DP’s cavalier attitude but it’s highly unlikely they’d be in the same house 😂😂😂

TatianaBis · 28/12/2021 16:04

@CavernousScream

You should both have taken legal advice before moving in. If he wants you to have no legal claim on the house, you should have a cohabitation agreement in place and you shouldn’t be contributing towards the mortgage. You will legally have a claim on the house as you’ve been paying half the mortgage. That’s whether you split up and move out or if he dies. He’s been very stupid thinking he could have everything his own way.
This.
CleansUpPenguinPoo · 28/12/2021 16:05

DH owns our home outright and I pay about 2/5 of the running costs - his pension is bigger and I do all the organising / management of the house, car, garden, pets and taxes. And family gift buying ;-) His two sons will inherit the house if he dies before me, but it's written into the will that I have right of abode until I either die or remarry, whichever comes first. I don't have children and rented before. Both DSS (they're in their thirties) have been made aware of this and are quite happy with DH's decision. The house we live in was never their family home, he bought it when we decided to get married, he had a smaller house before that where his children would visit, they lived with their mum and inherited the big family house when she died.

There are legal options in OP's situation without disadvantaging her DP's children, but it depends on her DP's willingness - or not - to make provision for her.

Seedandyarn · 28/12/2021 16:11

I wouldn't be happy paying 50% towards his mortgage year after year to see others profit out of it.
I would be renegotiating with him to pay a lower % if not I would make sense to live apart otherwise you are going to be paying two mortgages.

IrishMama2015 · 28/12/2021 16:14

Op did he ask you you to move in or did circumstances make it the best option? You should not be paying half the mortgage. He was presumably covering it totally before you moved in. Make a new agreement. You both pay half the bills. He pays the mortgage and all home repairs and improvements. You then pay an agreed 'rent' to him to reflect way and tear and use of house and items in house. It should be less than half the mortgage.

You didn't get a fair deal from the start but now want rights that aren't there for you.

Redburnett · 28/12/2021 16:17

Marry him, problem solved.

SunshineCake1 · 28/12/2021 16:21

You're a fool to be half the mortgage.

I wouldn't stay with him. No way. It's not that you want the house. You want breathing space ffs.

supermoonrising · 28/12/2021 16:24

Paying his mortgage with no formal contract regarding …anything … is crazy. You’d be better off just spending that money on a rental property yourself. At least a normal landlord has to give you legal notice.

billy1966 · 28/12/2021 16:29

Paying half his morgage, bills and house improvements?

You are out of your mind.
He is being a LOT cleverer than you in this transaction.

Be glad he was honest and now you know.

I would think paying half the bills and a nominal rent would be fair and absolutely no contribution to maintenance or improvements.

You need to buy a small property so start saving as soon as you can and start looking now.

A bungalow might be a good idea or an apartment.