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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be potentially homeless when I’m old?

431 replies

Dogmummy1980 · 28/12/2021 12:46

I’ve been with DP now for 2.5 years and we moved in together a few months ago - me moving into his house. I was renting a property previously and also moved in with debts that are now almost clear. We have 4 kids, 2 each, none together. I’ve always said if it is that we split I would never claim for his house - I don’t own a property and his is mortgaged but in the instance we split it wouldnt feel right me doing so. He is divorced and it was their marital home. I pay half of the household outgoings each month

However my mind is niggling at me - if we are together until he dies then what then for me? When I’ve brought it up he has simply said to trust that his kids/family wouldn’t see me having to move out immediately. Whaaaattt??? He has also now claimed I am asking this as I am after money - I’m absolutely not as my only question has been if/when we were elderly. I am also aware I would never be in his will - the entire lot would be for his kids. I’m a benefactor in my mums will so eventually I would be ok money wise (as much as I hate to think of this idea)

So essentially for me to ensure I have somewhere to live when I am old I would need to buy a property and rent it out for the next goodness knows how long - something I really don’t want to have to do but I see no other way to protect myself when I’m old. I rented out my now sold (at a loss) property before and it’s been all manners of hassle.

AIBU to think this is ridiculous that I’m having to do this? That you either want to build a life with someone or you don’t??? And certainly if you are planning on spending to next 30+ years with someone you wouldn’t just expect your DP to leave their home at that sort of age in those circumstances?? I just feel lost/bereft - huge mix of emotions really!

OP posts:
BluebellsGreenbells · 01/01/2022 15:47

You have no idea what the courts will decide in 20 years. Laws change. Less people marry, more situations like this will occur.

You wouldn’t install a new kitchen in a rented property at your own cost and expect the owner to compensate you for it would you?

In fact renters have more rights than a live in girlfriend/boyfriend. They need to seek to look after their win futures.

SpaceshiptoMars · 01/01/2022 16:33

If you get a company car for work, it is because you are expected to use it. They want you to drive a lot, as fast as is legal, not break down and to arrive at the customer site looking fresh as a daisy. Not use your old banger, break down on the motorway and have to miss your meeting calling out the AA!

And who pays rent on a bedroom they share with the owner? Does he pay her for childcare and a housekeepers salary on top? Does he have to give her 2 months notice in writing that he wants her to leave? As for paying more than half because she earns more - they are not married, and she is paying off a lot of debt.

TatianaBis · 01/01/2022 16:45

You have no idea what the courts will decide in 20 years. Laws change. Less people marry, more situations like this will occur.

Well If you take long term contributions on the basis that the law might change you’d be taking a risk.

I wouldn’t install a new kitchen in a rental property full stop - what a silly idea.

That tenants have more rights than partners has been one of the themes of the thread.

3WildOnes · 01/01/2022 16:55

Stop paying for half the mortgage and use that money to buy yourself a flat to rent out now and live in in your old age.

VikingsandDragons · 02/01/2022 19:48

Once the shock has blown over I'd be less worried about what happens in 30 years time, and more about the next 30 years. You sound very strong and capable, think carefully about how and with whom you want to spend your one life.

Member869894 · 02/01/2022 20:31

Just get him to write a will leaving you the right to live in the property after his death and then when you die it goes to his dcs . I think it's called a life interest

gunnersgold · 02/01/2022 20:37

I know a few people in this situation and in the will it says they can stay in the house until they die . Both times thr children have contested it and want them out so they can get their money ! I would make sure whatever happens it's watertight !

Heronwatcher · 02/01/2022 20:43

Absolutely get your own place and let it out in the short term. Plus I would seriously reconsider paying anything towards his house either by way of mortgage or renovation (I’d just pay half of the bills like electricity etc). If he asks about it, give him the same treatment he’s giving you- say he sounds like he’s after your money and then stonewall him.

Feelingoktoday · 02/01/2022 21:19

@Member869894

Just get him to write a will leaving you the right to live in the property after his death and then when you die it goes to his dcs . I think it's called a life interest
And how do you know that he hasn’t changed his will by the time he dies?
Umamiwed · 02/01/2022 23:22

My mouth dropped open wider with every update. He saw you coming, @Dogmummy1980. Was he interested in living together prior to your recent doubling of salary?

Newestname002 · 03/01/2022 11:23

@Member869894

Just get him to write a will leaving you the right to live in the property after his death and then when you die it goes to his dcs . I think it's called a life interest

A Will is no guarantee, as the Will-writer can change it at any time without anybody knowing anything about it... 🌹

Bauble1234 · 03/01/2022 13:01

What's missing for me in this scenario is how much is OP actually paying as half the mortgage? If it works out significantly cheaper than paying rent, it could work out financially beneficial for OP if she can put substantial savings in the bank for her own future use and financial security . I wouldn't be paying towards home improvements on someone else's house. Nor would I be helping the partner finance a more expensive car for them to be the main driver of said luxury car. However, I would equally not expect to live in the DPs house completely free of charge (other than bills).

Jessie75 · 03/01/2022 13:07

My father is in exactly this position and my stepmother has made provision in her will to ensure that he can stay in the house as long as he’s alive basically and then it gets sold and given to her daughter is fine. I’ll be honest I’m slightly peeved that it’ll be his pension that allows them to stay in that house because she couldn’t afford to run it on her own but that’s life.

SpaceshiptoMars · 03/01/2022 16:56

@Jessie75

My father is in exactly this position and my stepmother has made provision in her will to ensure that he can stay in the house as long as he’s alive basically and then it gets sold and given to her daughter is fine. I’ll be honest I’m slightly peeved that it’ll be his pension that allows them to stay in that house because she couldn’t afford to run it on her own but that’s life.
What do you see as unfair about this situation? Does she not have any pension of her own?
Jessie75 · 03/01/2022 16:58

@SpaceshiptoMars no she just has the basic state pension. So obviously he’s contributed towards the bills throughout their relationship but as I say to be fair it was her house so he hasn’t had to pay out for mortgage or rent. And that’s the deal they’ve agreed so fine.

I guess the bet that feels a little bit on fair is is that she has an asset to leave to her daughter where is he won’t have anything to leave.

SpaceshiptoMars · 03/01/2022 17:05

@Jessie75

If he died, you wouldn't benefit from his pension, probably, even if he didn't have a partner. You could ask him (depends on your relationship!) if he could take out an insurance policy for you to benefit from - but then, he does have to make some provision for his elder years. Perhaps he is expecting her to nurse him until she drops from exhaustion...

Jessie75 · 03/01/2022 17:08

[quote SpaceshiptoMars]@Jessie75

If he died, you wouldn't benefit from his pension, probably, even if he didn't have a partner. You could ask him (depends on your relationship!) if he could take out an insurance policy for you to benefit from - but then, he does have to make some provision for his elder years. Perhaps he is expecting her to nurse him until she drops from exhaustion...[/quote]
Hardly she’s the one that’s more of a risk of needing nursing given her health issues bless her.

I appreciate the situation with pensions however as I say it’s an agreement they both came to so fair enough it’s just a shame he doesn’t have his own house any more which he did have when they got together.

Original poster
Dogmummy1980 · 04/01/2022 13:53

Further update…..

So in answer to anyones questions on what I’m paying him - it’s less than 25% of my income post tax. In addition to this I also get child benefit and child maintenance.

Since this post - he has mentioned cars and holidays again!!! In fact on one occasion brought his DS into the conversation and has quoted holiday prices to me

I have in turn showed him properties in the area as BTLs that would be great for me to start thinking of planning towards. In fact, was really surprised at what I could get. Don’t get me wrong, these aren’t houses I would usually select as options for me to live in in terms of their exact location but they are all done, ready to rent out immediately and let’s be honest, having anything that gives me security is better than nothing - and a smaller cheaper property means I can do it quicker

He knows to an extent that he has really blown it in terms of where my financial priorities will now lie - trust comes in many forms but simply trusting that people will do the right thing isn’t something you can rely on

In fact one of the other conversations he had was changing his car for a nicer one - which I know from my calculations he cannot afford to do for years unless he took out another loan - almost an attempt to guilt trip me into changing mine but no - I refuse to.

Paying off my debt and getting that security has to come first now!

OP posts:
Anystarinthesky · 04/01/2022 14:01

So glad to read your update and that you have a plan in place for your security.

I am in the same position as you, I kept the cottage I bought before meeting DP, it is rented out.

Glad you have wised up re cars, holidays etc too.

CrimbleCrumble1 · 04/01/2022 14:14

He keeps his house in his name and he can get a car loan in his name and pay for it himself. Same with expensive holidays.

SleepingStandingUp · 04/01/2022 14:21

I'm glad you're getting yourself sorted op but can't help but wonder if you'd be better off just leaving. You don't sound like a couple in love, he either doesn't trust you wholly or is just not very good at hearing you (I did wonder if it was just male "oh it'll all be fine, don't worry" Ignorance rather him not caring but obv not caring is for it feels to you. You now want to not just be secure but best him and punish him but making sure he gets aa little from you financially as possible Inc refusing to holiday with him and leaving him over Xmas to go away with your mom.
It all just sounds incredibly bitter

greenwichvillage · 04/01/2022 14:34

I'm on his side, the house was his and his ex wife's and so the children should get it after he dies. Why don't you save up and buy your own BTL so that at least you have something that is yours.
Why would you want to be dependant on someone that you are not even married to.

billy1966 · 04/01/2022 14:55

@CrimbleCrumble1

He keeps his house in his name and he can get a car loan in his name and pay for it himself. Same with expensive holidays.
This.

He's not wrong to prioritise his children's inheritance at all.

He's wrong to want to do it at the expense of his partner.

He's wrong to want you to fund his lifestyle and that of his children.

I'm an actions not words person.

He can say he adores you but his actions prove otherwise.

His actions have absolutely been those of someone well aware of how to work a situation to his advantage.

Unfortunately a huge number of women appear to fall for these types of men, to their cost.

The bottom line in all of this OP is that you have zero business buying anything or going anywhere when your living situation is at the mercy of any man.

Save like man and protect yourself.

It will be interesting to see how your relationship progresses now that you won't be funding his wish list for the coming year.

Rather than him realising how he has fxxked up being honest with you, which was in fact great, I'd be wondering exactly how dim he thought you were to think this was ok.

SleepingStandingUp · 04/01/2022 15:15

@greenwichvillage

I'm on his side, the house was his and his ex wife's and so the children should get it after he dies. Why don't you save up and buy your own BTL so that at least you have something that is yours. Why would you want to be dependant on someone that you are not even married to.
It's like you didn't read the posts, just every 10th word and made up your own story.

She doesn't want the house.
As a grieving woman in her 80s who's about to marry the man she spent half her life with, she'd like more than "ah I'm sure it's fine" to know she won't be kicked out on the street the minute the will is read. He could put something in to protect her bed for accommodation and still ensure she doesn't get a penny.
Even WITH THE BTL SHE'S ALREADY SAID SHE'S GOING TO BUY packing up decades of your life at 80, giving tenants notice (what if they've just signed a 12 month lease?), looking for a temporary rented accommodation to move to before moving back into the BTL is a lot of top of grief. I don't blame op for wanting the person who CLAIMS to love her to want to protect her from that.

AcrossthePond55 · 04/01/2022 16:16

@SleepingStandingUp

Where does the OP state that she's 80 or that they're on the verge of marriage? Or are you referring to another poster?