Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 17 18

Original poster

To be potentially homeless when I’m old?

431 replies

Dogmummy1980 · 28/12/2021 12:46

I’ve been with DP now for 2.5 years and we moved in together a few months ago - me moving into his house. I was renting a property previously and also moved in with debts that are now almost clear. We have 4 kids, 2 each, none together. I’ve always said if it is that we split I would never claim for his house - I don’t own a property and his is mortgaged but in the instance we split it wouldnt feel right me doing so. He is divorced and it was their marital home. I pay half of the household outgoings each month

However my mind is niggling at me - if we are together until he dies then what then for me? When I’ve brought it up he has simply said to trust that his kids/family wouldn’t see me having to move out immediately. Whaaaattt??? He has also now claimed I am asking this as I am after money - I’m absolutely not as my only question has been if/when we were elderly. I am also aware I would never be in his will - the entire lot would be for his kids. I’m a benefactor in my mums will so eventually I would be ok money wise (as much as I hate to think of this idea)

So essentially for me to ensure I have somewhere to live when I am old I would need to buy a property and rent it out for the next goodness knows how long - something I really don’t want to have to do but I see no other way to protect myself when I’m old. I rented out my now sold (at a loss) property before and it’s been all manners of hassle.

AIBU to think this is ridiculous that I’m having to do this? That you either want to build a life with someone or you don’t??? And certainly if you are planning on spending to next 30+ years with someone you wouldn’t just expect your DP to leave their home at that sort of age in those circumstances?? I just feel lost/bereft - huge mix of emotions really!

OP posts:

LostForIdeas · 28/12/2021 14:30

his exact words were I could trust that I wouldn’t be asked to leave immediately. Having had a parent die,

He is deluded.
His dcs will want their inheritance, even more so if they need that money ASAP or the house is the only inheritance iyswim.
They will have no ‘strong’ attachment to you and certainly not strong enough to put you before them accessing the money they are rightly due.

LeifSan · 28/12/2021 14:31

If he’s happy to split the costs of things like changing cars, holidays, home improvements etc and also have you pay half his mortgage that seems pretty unfair given his reluctance to consider this issue. It’s like he’s happy to share finances when it benefits him for the short term but is making it clear he has zero interest in any sort of long term financial partnership.

Tbh I would make my finances 100% separate in this situation by getting my own place and not living together. I wouldn’t want to contribute 50% to a household, shared experiences and so on in these circumstances, i’d resent it massively.

StaplesCorner · 28/12/2021 14:31

@AnathemaPulsifer

If you’re paying half the mortgage you should have a share of the house.

That's also a consideration. So maybe you both need to get advice and then decide what to do. I presume you have a will OP seeing as you have children - are they still dependent or are they 18+?

Doodar · 28/12/2021 14:32

he could sell his house then you buy one together

Candlyflosss · 28/12/2021 14:33

Does he not realise that by you paying a percentage towards the mortgage is giving you a financial interest in the house? If he’s concerned you are after his money he should stop taking any payments towards it

mamaoffourdc · 28/12/2021 14:33

I would pay half the bills but nothing towards the mortgage - I would buy a small buy to let that is for you and your childrens future x

Annike4 · 28/12/2021 14:34

I have a friend who is 58 - "Ella".

She had been living with her partner for 26 years - he had one grown-up son from a previous relationship, who had his own independent life. Their house was in her partner's name. She treated the son as her own and they got on great.

Her partner had a sudden stroke in 2019, and died. He left everything in his will to his son. His son gave Ella two months to leave the house and sold it, leaving her with nowhere to live and no money. She had to live with us until she got a flat with a housing association.

She said her partner would have expected her son to let her stay in the house, but he wanted her out immediately so he could sell it.

Never trust that anyone will do what you think is the "right thing", or what the deceased person would have wanted.
Protect yourself.

Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas · 28/12/2021 14:34

And yes I'd definitely re tweak the current arrangement because your being there is making his life much cheaper!!
You shouldn't be paying the mortgage in these circumstances at all.
He's living in his own home and getting as pp said, sex, child care, cooking, cleaning And..half his bills paid!!

LolaSmiles · 28/12/2021 14:34

The issue with joint assets is that the surviving spouse can cut their partner's children out and leave everything to their own.
Agree with this.
Whilst I hope to never be in that position, reading threads on here means that I'd be very wary of remarrying in the event of a split and risking my DC being disinherited. In fact, I'd probably be very wary of entering into a future relationship with any man who didn't have comparable assets to me, even then I'd expect everything to be drawn up so that his assets go to his children, mine go to mine and genuinely joint assets are split.

TatianaBis · 28/12/2021 14:34

to be honest I now feel a little put out at making home improvements in his house as if I’m being honest it now doesn’t feel like a home, just his house.

Quite rightly. You must add up all that you have spent on mortgage payments and home improvements and see what it comes to.

Not saying you would pursue this path, but technically those payments give you the right to establish a beneficial interest in the property at the county court/high court. The longer you pay, the stronger the grounds for a beneficial interest becomes, as the more money you have invested in the home.

Is DP aware of this? If DP is not prepared to grant you a life interest in the property in his will, then you should explain to him legally where your payments are taking him, protect yourself and make payments on your own property instead.

ShrinkingViolet9 · 28/12/2021 14:36

The issue with joint assets is that the surviving spouse can cut their partner's children out and leave everything to their own.

@TractorAndHeadphones

The OP is not his "spouse". They are not married.

If the OP is in England, she does not have the same legal interest in the property that a spouse would have - whether she is paying towards the mortgage or not.

endofbluenight · 28/12/2021 14:36

I have a friend who has moved in with her boyfriend (both 50+) when he bought a house. He has adult kids. They have set up some sort of legal arrangement so that the house passes to her when he dies and then goes to his kids once she dies.

His kids will almost certainly not delay their inheritance until you die. You need to protect your interests as he and his kids are clearly not going to do so.

Wrongaddress · 28/12/2021 14:37

I would not be paying half of your partner's mortgage in your situation

BluebellsGreenbells · 28/12/2021 14:37

He’s much better off with you paying half the bills and mortgage.

If you go on holiday then effectively you are paying. He’s saving the money you contribute and using that for any holiday for fun stuff. He really is winning here.

Personally I’d buy a property and he can rent his out - see if he likes That idea? Be interested to hear how he feels about that.

LolaButt · 28/12/2021 14:37

What @Animood said.

Legally factual.

Pepperama · 28/12/2021 14:37

Stop paying off his mortgage - yes, do pay half the bills and a bit for living there but no more. If you weren’t living together you’d be paying off your own mortgage and have a house at the end. So either treat it as a joint purchase / at least lifetime rights to live in, or let HIM continue paying off HIS house.

Flapjak · 28/12/2021 14:37

Are you married? If you bought somewhere solely in your name , could he potentially have a claim on that if you died first. How many decades of working life do you have before retirement? Wouldnt it be best for you both to consider starting afresh with a joint mortgage and he could rent out his current home? I can understand he currently wants to ensure his childrens inheritence but if you are to continue as a couple then how do you go about making a home together if financially you are only a lodger? At the moment it sounds like a tenant would probably have more rights then you to stay if he was to pass away whether thats in 3 years or 30 years. You both need financial advice

LessTime · 28/12/2021 14:38

I don't think he is doing anything wrong. You are both better off living together but I don't think you should have a right to live in his house if he were to die.

I think it's up to you to save and buy your own place to rent out. You've not been dating that long tbh

Pinkdelight3 · 28/12/2021 14:39

I actually hadn’t anticipated that I would have to when I moved in and on another side of things, certainly for a while whilst I sort out a property for myself it would stop us doing things that we had planned - holidays, change car etc - to be honest I now feel a little put out at making home improvements in his house as if I’m being honest it now doesn’t feel like a home, just his house.

Again, this is all a lot after only moving in for a few months and from you've said already being better off from having moved in with him. And you still don't say exactly what you had anticipated or what you expect now? You keep saying you don't expect a legal share of the house now, but you will in 30 years, well then, what do you expect him to do now? And how many improvements have you invested in when you've only been there a few months? I don't know, OP, you're very quick to point out what you've put in and what you want out, but it sounds like on balance you're doing fine out of it and are just annoyed at having to buy somewhere if you want to own somewhere and that this will stop you having holidays and cars. As others have said, you can take legal advice and have the conversation about not contributing to his mortgage. But really all the emotional 'build a life', 'his house not our home' stuff feels to be masking the fact that you do actually seem to expect to own the house in some tangible way. If that's not the case, please be clearer.

TatianaBis · 28/12/2021 14:43

But really all the emotional 'build a life', 'his house not our home' stuff feels to be masking the fact that you do actually seem to expect to own the house in some tangible way. If that's not the case, please be clearer.

She has at no point said she expects to own the house. She is simply concerned that if he died suddenly in 20 years she would be turfed out with nothing to show for the payments towards it. Quite rightly as it’s not a sensible thing to do.

TractorAndHeadphones · 28/12/2021 14:43

@ShrinkingViolet9

The issue with joint assets is that the surviving spouse can cut their partner's children out and leave everything to their own.

@TractorAndHeadphones

The OP is not his "spouse". They are not married.

If the OP is in England, she does not have the same legal interest in the property that a spouse would have - whether she is paying towards the mortgage or not.

Yes, I know what I meant was that if assets are joint the half belonging to the deceased might pass on to the other joint owner, who could then do what they liked what it. For example money in a joint account usually passes to the surviving owner, unless an agreement is signed to the contrary. For a house there are several ways (joint tenants, or tenants in common).

CPL593H · 28/12/2021 14:44

Didn't you give this any thought or have any discussion before moving in only a few months ago? It's hardly like you're a couple of teens.

IMO, half bills only right of course. It may be unfair you are paying half his mortgage (and best to take legal advice about this) but some sort of rent for occupancy wouldn't seem unreasonable, especially if it still allows you to save up enough to get property of your own, thus solving the problem of your penurious and homeless old age (which if your user name is anything to go by is a way off, could be wrong of course)

I certainly wouldn't be contributing to household maintenance or improvements though, as the house is very much his asset and responsibility as things stand.

Flipflopblowout · 28/12/2021 14:44

If he sees you as a gold digger why are you still with him?

Morechocmorechoc · 28/12/2021 14:45

I have a family member in same situation and this works foe them.....she pays half bills for food electric etc. He pays for the house as it is his incl any maintenance. If an appliance breaks they split the cost as its general use of something that wont be worth anything after how ever many years.

Also in his will it is clear that she cannot be made to move out as it is her home too. It's hers to live in until she dies or closes to move out. Upkeep of house is on kids, appliances etc on her as are bills (no mortgage if there was mortgage would be on kids).

This is far more logical. You are being taken advantage of. If you buy a house now you will also have extra stamp duty, so quite frankly if he says he is saving you rent, then thats where a large chunk of it goes. You need to sit and work this out properly....trust my kids won't make you move out immediately stands for shit all. Have an adult.cinversation. if he wont you must move out.

Rainbowqueeen · 28/12/2021 14:47

You should not be paying half the mortgage. Half bills only. Nothing towards home improvements.
You need to save that money and invest it for your future and for your kids.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 17 18

Swipe left for the next trending thread