Page 5 | To be potentially homeless when I’m old?

Mrstamborineman · 28/12/2021 14:49

Whoever the solution you are dependent on him!
Fuck that ! Buy your own property and rent it.

NotIdeal · 28/12/2021 14:50

I'm in a similar situation @Dogmummy1980 - except we're married but it's his house, bought before we met and mortgage paid for by him entirely. Now, I know if we split, I'd be entitled to 50/50 as per the law but I do wonder what will happen if he dies before me. I've tried to have a conversation but he's a bit avoidant of stuff like that.

We've been married 25 years, 2 adult DC, so obviously he'll ensure they inherit but not sure what provision, if any, he has made for me. I have always worked p/t in low paid employment due to his (very well paid) job and needing to be available for the DC.
I am close to retiring, have about 20k in savings and doubt I'd get a mortgage. My pension is non existent. It's hard to save in a pension when you don't earn much to start with. I paid for childcare when DC were small and I was working and I mainly bought food. That was my financial contribution.

When we met, I had just been bought out of a property by my ex. It was a short marriage, so not much equity.
I paid for a new kitchen in this house but when it became obvious after a long time that he wasn't adding me to the deeds, I refused to pay anything towards the house or any maintenance for it. I still continue to buy food but only us 2 here now.

Tbh, it's not been a great marriage & we should have divorced years ago but have plodded on.

It will be interesting to see what happens if he goes first. My DC may need their inheritance at that point.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 28/12/2021 14:50

Stop paying his mortgage and buy a property of your own, however small
Don't contribute to any improvements on his house as you will not get any benefit.
In your position with 2 children of your own, I'd move into your own property and " date" him
You then have an asset to leave your children
He doesn't appear to be a kind man, at all
Protect your own interests, as he won't

Oblomov21 · 28/12/2021 14:54

"I’m just a bit bereft that I’m having to do this just to safeguard myself when I’m elderly."

What did you expect? How do you see it?

You must have history and have made choices to not have a property yourself. Did you not get 1/2 the equity when you split from Dh or dp? And debts. How did those come about? So the fact is you are very vulnerable. What is your plan to change that?

Snugglepumpkin · 28/12/2021 14:55

You should not be paying towards his mortgage if it is not your home.
He could consider adding that you have the right to live in it until you die & then it becomes his childrens to do with as they choose to protect you from being homeless.
He is either your partner for the long haul or not.

However, if you've only been together a couple of years & you came into the relationship with debts which you still have (I know you are clearing them - good on you) while he has none I can see why he might not want to tie himself financially to you in any way right now.

Original poster

Dogmummy1980 · 28/12/2021 14:56

Thanks all - financially I am better off now but simply because my job has changed (think double what my previous salary was) so hence my debts are being paid off rapidly - 6 more months or so then debt free. He was more than aware of what my debts were before I moved in and also my job had changed the week before I moved in

As other have said - I’m not after a financial settlement if he died - but having that something would be in place where I wouldn’t have been made homeless, at least not immediately, would have been much appreciated but it feels that that isn’t an option

Sensibly I’ll be saving for a house deposit once debts cleared, potentially back end of next year I’ll be able to buy something small to give me some security - and who knows I might not need it - I could die first!!! Lol.

I’ll be reassessing what I am paying towards HIS house - given I am paying essentially more than half (as currrntly I’ve seen no evidence that the bills have increased) he is indeed the one in a much better situation with me living there

OP posts:

TractorAndHeadphones · 28/12/2021 14:58

@Dogmummy1980

Thanks all - financially I am better off now but simply because my job has changed (think double what my previous salary was) so hence my debts are being paid off rapidly - 6 more months or so then debt free. He was more than aware of what my debts were before I moved in and also my job had changed the week before I moved in

As other have said - I’m not after a financial settlement if he died - but having that something would be in place where I wouldn’t have been made homeless, at least not immediately, would have been much appreciated but it feels that that isn’t an option

Sensibly I’ll be saving for a house deposit once debts cleared, potentially back end of next year I’ll be able to buy something small to give me some security - and who knows I might not need it - I could die first!!! Lol.

I’ll be reassessing what I am paying towards HIS house - given I am paying essentially more than half (as currrntly I’ve seen no evidence that the bills have increased) he is indeed the one in a much better situation with me living there

Yeah OP i think it's his dismissiveness that's an issue. Definitely stop paying as much as you are.

HelpIcantfindaname · 28/12/2021 14:59

My DP & I are the other way round. Him & his DS moved into my house. His house belongs to his son as it was put in his name when his mam was dying so he has that house to inherit. My will leaves my house to my 4 kids, but when DP moved in I changed it to give him a lifetime interest in the house, so the kids can't just chuck him out. They wouldn't anyway but just in case. He doesn't pay towards my mortgage but does pay other household expenses, & I earn a lot more than him.
Maybe your DP could give you a lifetime interest in his house, so if he dies you will not be homeless.

Dindundundundeeer · 28/12/2021 15:06

@NotIdeal

I'm in a similar situation *@Dogmummy1980* - except we're married but it's his house, bought before we met and mortgage paid for by him entirely. Now, I know if we split, I'd be entitled to 50/50 as per the law but I do wonder what will happen if he dies before me. I've tried to have a conversation but he's a bit avoidant of stuff like that.

We've been married 25 years, 2 adult DC, so obviously he'll ensure they inherit but not sure what provision, if any, he has made for me. I have always worked p/t in low paid employment due to his (very well paid) job and needing to be available for the DC.
I am close to retiring, have about 20k in savings and doubt I'd get a mortgage. My pension is non existent. It's hard to save in a pension when you don't earn much to start with. I paid for childcare when DC were small and I was working and I mainly bought food. That was my financial contribution.

When we met, I had just been bought out of a property by my ex. It was a short marriage, so not much equity.
I paid for a new kitchen in this house but when it became obvious after a long time that he wasn't adding me to the deeds, I refused to pay anything towards the house or any maintenance for it. I still continue to buy food but only us 2 here now.

Tbh, it's not been a great marriage & we should have divorced years ago but have plodded on.

It will be interesting to see what happens if he goes first. My DC may need their inheritance at that point.

@NotIdeal if there is no Will, you get the house. You’re married, the law is in your favour.

If his Will cuts you out you have a valid dependency claim.

Billandben444 · 28/12/2021 15:06

My partner moved into my property 20 years ago. We both have separate adult children and grandchildren. His work history has been intermittent and he brings in enough so that it doesn't cost me any more with him living here. We talked early on about how my property and savings would go to my children and he totally agrees. We discussed it all in great detail and I then went to a solicitor and rewrote my will to leave him a lump sum on my death and to say that he'd have 6 months to vacate the house on my death. He has health issues so the will may not be necessary but I wanted to guarantee my family benefitted whatever the future holds. It sounds cold and calculating but really it's just good financial planning - we've never fallen out over it. He will have time to find somewhere else to live, some cash to keep him going and adult children all with their own homes.

CanIPleaseHaveOne · 28/12/2021 15:09

@Dogmummy1980

I’ve been with DP now for 2.5 years and we moved in together a few months ago - me moving into his house. I was renting a property previously and also moved in with debts that are now almost clear. We have 4 kids, 2 each, none together. I’ve always said if it is that we split I would never claim for his house - I don’t own a property and his is mortgaged but in the instance we split it wouldnt feel right me doing so. He is divorced and it was their marital home. I pay half of the household outgoings each month

However my mind is niggling at me - if we are together until he dies then what then for me? When I’ve brought it up he has simply said to trust that his kids/family wouldn’t see me having to move out immediately. Whaaaattt??? He has also now claimed I am asking this as I am after money - I’m absolutely not as my only question has been if/when we were elderly. I am also aware I would never be in his will - the entire lot would be for his kids. I’m a benefactor in my mums will so eventually I would be ok money wise (as much as I hate to think of this idea)

So essentially for me to ensure I have somewhere to live when I am old I would need to buy a property and rent it out for the next goodness knows how long - something I really don’t want to have to do but I see no other way to protect myself when I’m old. I rented out my now sold (at a loss) property before and it’s been all manners of hassle.

AIBU to think this is ridiculous that I’m having to do this? That you either want to build a life with someone or you don’t??? And certainly if you are planning on spending to next 30+ years with someone you wouldn’t just expect your DP to leave their home at that sort of age in those circumstances?? I just feel lost/bereft - huge mix of emotions really!

Regardless of what may or may not happen you have a duty of care to yourself.

A small place in an area that you would not mind living in should be the highest thing on your list of priorities. Rent will pay the mortgage and that dreadful worry will be lifted.

Your reading of the situation is both pratical and smart. Your advantage is that you can do something about it.

dalrympy · 28/12/2021 15:10

You were renting before so you'd have to again if you split (or he died).

It's no different to you paying rent elsewhere.

If you are bothered by the concept of paying him rent then you have to stop paying the mortgage part of the monthly outgoings and get your mortgage.

I own my place. If anyone ever moves in with me there is no way in hell they get a share on my death. Why should they?

LittleLadyCece · 28/12/2021 15:11

My DH's uncle's girlfriend got kicked out of the family home after DH's uncle died. It was absolutely awful what the adult children did to her. She had been with him for around 5 years and nursed him until he died. The uncle hadnt made and will and the adult children clearly didnt give a damn about her.

If you anticipate a future with your DP can you not remortgage and put your name on the mortgage thus protecting yourself? As it stands you have no rights if he dies. Its horrible to have to think about it but you do need to protect yourself and he should be understanding that.

LostForIdeas · 28/12/2021 15:13

Yes but the question the OP has is that, when that time comes and she is retired, maybe on a basic pensions, she might well found it very hard to rent anything (income too low blablabla).

It is true that renting let alone getting a mortgage isn’t the same when you are 40yo than when you are 70yo

Phrenologistsfinger · 28/12/2021 15:15

I’m in this position (minus kids although we are doing ivf) and I bought myself a little house to rent out.

LostForIdeas · 28/12/2021 15:16

I’d also question the half and half if

there is a big difference in income between you
what you are paying is more than what you were paying living alone.

LostForIdeas · 28/12/2021 15:18

@Phrenologistsfinger

I’m in this position (minus kids although we are doing ivf) and I bought myself a little house to rent out.

I think the situation is different from the Op in that you are planning to have children together. Unlike the OP who has done all that already., you are then likely to have some ML. You might not want or be able to carry on with the job you are doing atm. The dc(s) might take up a lot more time than you think.

In that case, I’d actually look at getting married tbh. For your own safety.

blisstwins · 28/12/2021 15:25

@rifling

Please don't put your money into running a house you have no claim over. It probably won't end well, especially as his children will consider it their family home.

So he has a lodger and sex? I understand his point of view, but you need some protection. The financial advantage seems entirely his.

RoyalFamilyFan · 28/12/2021 15:26

Lots of women end up homeless in this situation. You could find yourself homeless at 80 years old and forced to live in a small rented bedsit.
And people can be grabby over wills, so never rely on someone doing the right thing. The chances are they won't.
Personally, in your shoes, I would move out and buy my own home to live in. You either make a life together and that includes financially, or it is a more casual affair altogether.

2bazookas · 28/12/2021 15:30

He has an asset and kids, you're not married and have only been together 2 years.
OF COURSE he's going to leave the house to his kids not you.

If you're still together in 10 , 20, 30 years time when his kids are independent adults, then perhaps he'll rethink it. But right now, such a short relationship is not your lifetime security. So yes, you should make your own provision for your old age. A pension that can cover rent.Or, invest in property that you could either live in or let to provide an income.

GrazingSheep · 28/12/2021 15:33

If you were not living in his house you would be paying rent and bills in another house.
Are you expecting to live rent free in his house?

RoyalFamilyFan · 28/12/2021 15:33

@2bazookas that is true that it has not been long. But there are plenty of women who live with a man for 20 plus years who find themselves homeless. It is too big a gamble to take that things might change. Not one I would take.

LostForIdeas · 28/12/2021 15:34

@2bazookas

He has an asset and kids, you're not married and have only been together 2 years. OF COURSE he's going to leave the house to his kids not you.

If you're still together in 10 , 20, 30 years time when his kids are independent adults, then perhaps he'll rethink it. But right now, such a short relationship is not your lifetime security. So yes, you should make your own provision for your old age. A pension that can cover rent.Or, invest in property that you could either live in or let to provide an income.

The problem is that when you are 40~50yo waiting to see of you are in it together in 20 or 30 years time is a bit late isn’t it? I mean by that time, the OP and I imagine her partner will be 70~80yo and one of them might well have died before that anyway….

Pinkdelight3 · 28/12/2021 15:38

If you anticipate a future with your DP can you not remortgage and put your name on the mortgage thus protecting yourself?

This might be something he'd consider a couple of years down the line, but seems a bit soon to be remortgaging with a partner who only moved in a few months ago. There's currently nothing to protect herself from as if the relationship failed, she'd be no worse off than she was before she moved in. This is a long term issue with the long term solution she's honing in on of paying less towards his house and buying her own property.

Isseywith3witchycats · 28/12/2021 15:39

My partner and i live in a mortgage free house that belongs in his name only but we have been together longer than you he has one daughter i have three children all grown ups and has written his will so i get a lifetime tenancy on the house and when i go it goes to his child not mine and as im only 13 months younger than him his daughter wont have to probably wait too long, him and his ex wife own another house 50/50 paid of house which his ex wife lives in, if she dies before him house will revert to him and he will be able to sell it, if he goes before ex then his daughter will have that house as well