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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Vaccine arguments are pulling us apart

390 replies

SmithCW · 28/12/2021 12:03

Hi everyone,

This is really hard for me to talk about as I know how judgemental some people are over anything COVID related. So, both me and my husband aren't vaccinated against COVID. At first it was because we weren't old enough (mid 20s) but when it became available for us we, like many of our peers, were hesitant to take the leap. The vaccine felt too new and we knew we would be TTC within the next few months and wanted to make sure it would be safe. My husband felt strongly that he didn't need it (98% survival rate for his age).

Over time there's so much more evidence about the side effects and whatnot and that coupled with the extreme pressures from society I've wanted to get vaccinated for the last few months. Problem is - he doesn't and really doesn't want me to either. His family (my in laws) have flipped and gone massive anti-vaxx in all the crazy extreme ways (they want us to promise we'd never get it) and although my husband isn't like that I can't help but feel he is heavily influenced by his family but he thinks I'm heavily influenced by mine (all had the vaccine and are desperate for me to).

It's hard to put this into words or to make people understand but I now feel CONSTANTLY anxious over this - it's like a dark cloud that follows me around. I feel like a black sheep in society and I HATE IT. But I'm also not ready to risk my marriage over it? I am so scared this will tear us apart and we are only newlyweds. We got married in Aug and have been TTC since. I just don't know what's right here. His family (especially his mum) are so full on about it that I genuinely think they'd cut me out for being vaccinated but I've been with him for 8 years and his parents are like parents to me - I'm so so scared of upsetting them. It's also sooooo hard when your husband is begging for you not to have it. He says he probably will get it eventually but not for a few years when he feels extremely confident that it won't have any future effects on our children and that we can't possibly know it won't for sure as it's not been around long enough.

I know he sounds OTT but he is honestly the most chilled guy - this is so unlike him. I have this fear that if I go and get it he: a) might just leave me. B) if I were to miscarry/ anything wrong with our child he'd blame me C) I'd tear him away from his family. They would bring this up at EVERY family gathering for years to come.

I know a lot of you will just say "your body your choice" and "good riddance" if he'd leave me but in reality that's a very, very different situation. I suppose I'm looking for some GENUINE advice here. I feel like it's breaking me apart and I can't cope anymore but I love him. I'm not stupid or naive here but I want a way to navigate and handle this in the right way.

Sorry for the long post and I hope I don't cause too much controversy- that's not my aim.

OP posts:
godmum56 · 28/12/2021 16:29

ok genuine advice. If he'd leave you for expecting to have agency over your own body, then I'd rather know sooner than later. Wouldn't you? Whatever the reasons, whatever the background and whatever the issue. What if eg you are advised to have a specific medical intervention...maybe a caesarean...transfusion...IDK.....is he going to listen to his parents instead of you? Is he going to control what you do then? I mean do you REALLY know this man? I am not saying oh leave...he's an abuser and so on but please please think about what his attitude means about your future life together.

waterlego · 28/12/2021 16:31

Thanks @TeaAndStrumpets. So sorry you have had that experience too. It is indeed an awful illness, as many cancers are. I feel awful for anyone currently waiting for investigations or treatments which are being delayed thanks to Covid.

I never expected to see Stage 4 cancer being linked to the Covid vaccine. It’s such a strange leap that I can only assume @sosijrol was perhaps not aware that advanced cancers can seem to appear very suddenly out of nowhere. I think there are quite a few cancers which fit this description, purely because there are no symptoms (or only very vague/mild ones) until it’s far too late for any treatment. Stomach cancer is another (my Mum had this) and I believe Ovarian cancer often doesn’t make itself apparent until too late. All dreadful diseases which are extremely unlikely to be caused by vaccines.

ravenmum · 28/12/2021 16:31

This is actually great for you, few woman who end up in controlling /abusive marriages with dcs get a chance to see how bad it can be before they are stuck
I agree with this. And it's not even just about abuse or being controlling. Having a child is stressful, and makes a huge change to your life that being gf/bf or even married doesn't prepare you for. My exh wasn't abusive or controlling, but when we had our first child it was the first time I got a proper taste of how inconsiderate he could be. We'd been together 5 years by that point, and had some minor ups and downs, but no real crisis. Parents need to be able to put someone else first, and they need to be supportive to their partner in a stressful situation. What a great opportunity this would be for your husband to show you he has your back.

Themumroom1991 · 28/12/2021 16:32

I'm sorry you're going through this.

However, 98% of hospitalised pregnant people with covid are unvaccinated.

1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. The numbers haven't gone up since the vaccine roll out.

user1471442488 · 28/12/2021 16:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted as it quotes a deleted post.

ScabbyHorse · 28/12/2021 16:33

Go and get it and then mention it to him later.

TheGrinchsDog · 28/12/2021 16:35

@MargosKaftan

Op - from what you've posted, it does seem like you want the vax but worried about the reaction. I would say this is the perfect test to see if those saying you might be in thr early stages of an abusive marriage are right.

So go on the NHS website now and book a jab. Then tell him you've got your vaccine booked for tomorrow /Thursday/whenever you can get (take the soonest appointment you can). See his reaction. If its "ok. Im not getting it but fine." Then you've been worrying about nothing. If he tries to talk you out of it or gets angry you've not got his agreement first, then you know you have not a vaccine problem, but a controlling dh problem. If he accepts your choice, then fine. If he doesn't thats a sign he think he should have a say in what happens to your body. Huge problem.

If he tells his parents, then that's also a great big warning sign he doesn't see you as having the right to medical privacy from his parents.

This is actually great for you, few woman who end up in controlling /abusive marriages with dcs get a chance to see how bad it can be before they are stuck. Book a jab. Tell him. Sit back and see what happens.

This so very much and then once more for those in the back!
Allsorts1 · 28/12/2021 16:35

Just test him. If he would leave you over you getting the vaccine then you know he doesn’t truly love you and is massively controlling. If you calmly tell him that you’re following guidelines and getting it and you hope that he can accept your decision - and he accepts this - then you know that you do after all have a keeper. Easy peasy.

DracarysThis · 28/12/2021 16:41

I think you both sound terribly immature.

The last thing you should be doing is TTC, particularly when the big decisions that come with being a parent rarely have the luxury of time, or being an expert. If you've taken this long to come around to wanting the vaccine, you're in for a rude awakening in having a child.

Does your DH have a background in immunology or virology? What scares me is not only his controlling behaviour, but also the fact that he thinks he knows better than scientists involved in the development of the vaccination programme.

thepeopleversuswork · 28/12/2021 16:42

@SmithCW

Woah... I would not say I'm in an abusive relationship at all. That's a strong presumption from one post.

Sorry but with respect and as gently as possible, he's trying to control your medical decisions and those relating to an unborn (and as yet unconceived) child. That's as close to a textbook definition of abuse as you can get. I understand that you're relatively newly married and disappointed but the scales need to fall from your eyes as far as possible. He's not a good man and his family are unhinged.

You need to leave him.

chilling19 · 28/12/2021 16:44

If you are so worried about other people's opinions that you would put your own life, and potentially, a new one at risk, you are not mature enough to even think about having a baby. Giving birth is only the beginning of the lifetime of fighting their corner.

JustDanceAddict · 28/12/2021 16:46

Get the vaccine! It’s none of your dh’s or his family’s business.
V good point re the immune system and pregnancy. I had an awful throat infection in my first pregnancy which I couldn’t shake off and felt so bad I remember crying on the GP - in my 2nd I had really bad sinusitis! Lord knows how bad you’d potentially feel with covid

milkieway · 28/12/2021 16:48

If you want the protection from the vaccine in pregnancy and you are TTC you need to get it ASAP you will have very little protection with just x1 dose - hence why most people are now on x3 doses to even provide some level of protection - and you do realise you need gaps between doses ?

It shouldn't even be a discussion with him if you want it you go and get it - end of

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 28/12/2021 16:51

Are his family planning to not go on holidays, eat out........ please dont ttc until you are vaccinated.

Skippykangaroo · 28/12/2021 16:57

So sorry you're going through this..you're right, the vitriol from both sides is utterly destroying society and families.. We are on the opposite side of the fence. My husbands family are trying to bully my DH into getting jabbed (I've had the first two)..what they need to stop and realise is that if they keep on at him, he will disregard them forever and the relationship will be over. They're being vile about it. My sis in law is also being a twat about it but frankly I'll be glad of an excuse not to see her again..wouldn't want to infect her now would I? Grin

It's incredibly sad. You need to research and research some more (not just MSM), dig deep and ultimately have a proper heart to heart with your husband about how this is tearing you up. Disregard the wider family in this. If they are decent human beings and care for you, they will not judge you for a personal medical decision and they will respect your decision.

Lalliella · 28/12/2021 16:57

He has no right to tell you what to do with your body, and neither do his family. He sounds very controlling. Please don’t have children with this man.

SantaClawsServiette · 28/12/2021 16:58

I am not sure that the idea of insisting the husband not share with the family will be practical.

In an ideal world, maybe, but in reality if he has a nosy family and he is not a natural liar, it just may not work.

Op - something that's occured to me is that maybe your dh is actually having some more serious obsessive or anxiety related issues about teh vaccine. He wouldn't be the first person to do this, there are people both pro and anti vaccine who are taking extreme views not so much because that's where their thinking has taken them, but because it has become the focus for all the stress and anxiety that has been building up over the past two years. If he's not typically been like this on topics like vaccination that could be a real possibility.

If so, a somewhat different approach might be best, more helping him to step back from the issue and find better outlets for his fears.

RampantIvy · 28/12/2021 16:59

My nephews have decided not to vaccinate, my niece has been advised not to, and SIL had the first one but won't have any more. DH said "I don't agree with your decision, but I'm not going to argue with you over it"

I don't agree that they won't, but I just don't discuss it with them.

fruitbrewhaha · 28/12/2021 17:03

Jesus OP it's not great is it.

Imagine a different scenario, driving too fast. You could easily say

"When I was younger I drove too fast and thought I was invincible, I didn't wear a seat belt because I thought it would never happen to me. I now take my time driving, but my DH still drives too fast and refuses to wear a seat belt. He also makes me drive too fast and his parents would never speak t me again if they knew I wore a seat belt. I'm trying to conceive and I'm concerned for my future children in a car with him or his family because they will never use seat belts and will force me to drive too fast."

I know it's not exactly the same but why the fuck would your own family not want the safest and best for you. Don't get pregnant with this tool. I would wait and spend some more time working out if this was a marriage worth saving.

DillDanding · 28/12/2021 17:03

Assuming you're in possession of your faculties, why are you letting this man and his peculiar family dictate to you?

He sounds controlling and idiotic. If I were you, I'd be questioning his suitability as a father and husband.

SofiaMichElf · 28/12/2021 17:11

@SmithCW

He is happy for our children to get the normal vaccines but his mum isn't - she has gone completely anti any vaccine.

With all due respect, WTAF has it got to do with her?

You need to distance yourself from this family. If it wasn't vaccinations it would be something else they'd be trying to control.

Get away from them while you can. If that means splitting up with your husband, you need to think very seriously about doing it. Your life is going to be extremely difficult if you allow others to control you.

Nanny0gg · 28/12/2021 17:13

[quote Piggyk2]@SmithCW I'm vaccinated but if I was trying for a baby I think I would hold off and then have the vax after.

Regarding your DH you should be able to voice your own choices and ask him for advice but the final say is down to you and that should be for all things. Its your health OP, your choice.[/quote]
I think it would be best to take advice from medical professionals.
(Who do seem to think the vaccine is the best for mother and baby)

BrotherHelp · 28/12/2021 17:13

In your OP you said My husband felt strongly that he didn't need it (98% survival rate for his age)
So that’s a 1 in 50 chance of dying. Look at it that if you took everyone from your class in school, and his, they’d make about 50. If you all got covid with your maths and were healthy one of you would die, doesn’t that seem like a huge risk now?
Also have a friend who is learning to walk and be human again after having covid during pregnancy and baby delivery prematurely to save mothers life, and by default babies.

Nanny0gg · 28/12/2021 17:18

@steppemum

sorry, just seen that he would rather wait until you are pregnant. That is NUTS. Surely much better to get it BEFORE you get pregnant
Quite. If he actually thought there was something harmful in the vaccine why is he suggesting that the baby is exposed to it?

It's just another delaying tactic

Inabitoftime · 28/12/2021 17:19

I am glad you had an open discussion @SmithCW but I have to say it makes no sense waiting until you are pregnant to get vaccinated. Surely if he is worried about the impact on children of the vaccine then being fully vaccinated before getting pregnant makes more sense. I would worry like others that it’s just a ruse to get you to wait then once you are pregnant it will be , oh not during first trimester due to risk of miscarriage, not during second just in case then oh the baby is nearly here you don’t need it..