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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Vaccine arguments are pulling us apart

390 replies

SmithCW · 28/12/2021 12:03

Hi everyone,

This is really hard for me to talk about as I know how judgemental some people are over anything COVID related. So, both me and my husband aren't vaccinated against COVID. At first it was because we weren't old enough (mid 20s) but when it became available for us we, like many of our peers, were hesitant to take the leap. The vaccine felt too new and we knew we would be TTC within the next few months and wanted to make sure it would be safe. My husband felt strongly that he didn't need it (98% survival rate for his age).

Over time there's so much more evidence about the side effects and whatnot and that coupled with the extreme pressures from society I've wanted to get vaccinated for the last few months. Problem is - he doesn't and really doesn't want me to either. His family (my in laws) have flipped and gone massive anti-vaxx in all the crazy extreme ways (they want us to promise we'd never get it) and although my husband isn't like that I can't help but feel he is heavily influenced by his family but he thinks I'm heavily influenced by mine (all had the vaccine and are desperate for me to).

It's hard to put this into words or to make people understand but I now feel CONSTANTLY anxious over this - it's like a dark cloud that follows me around. I feel like a black sheep in society and I HATE IT. But I'm also not ready to risk my marriage over it? I am so scared this will tear us apart and we are only newlyweds. We got married in Aug and have been TTC since. I just don't know what's right here. His family (especially his mum) are so full on about it that I genuinely think they'd cut me out for being vaccinated but I've been with him for 8 years and his parents are like parents to me - I'm so so scared of upsetting them. It's also sooooo hard when your husband is begging for you not to have it. He says he probably will get it eventually but not for a few years when he feels extremely confident that it won't have any future effects on our children and that we can't possibly know it won't for sure as it's not been around long enough.

I know he sounds OTT but he is honestly the most chilled guy - this is so unlike him. I have this fear that if I go and get it he: a) might just leave me. B) if I were to miscarry/ anything wrong with our child he'd blame me C) I'd tear him away from his family. They would bring this up at EVERY family gathering for years to come.

I know a lot of you will just say "your body your choice" and "good riddance" if he'd leave me but in reality that's a very, very different situation. I suppose I'm looking for some GENUINE advice here. I feel like it's breaking me apart and I can't cope anymore but I love him. I'm not stupid or naive here but I want a way to navigate and handle this in the right way.

Sorry for the long post and I hope I don't cause too much controversy- that's not my aim.

OP posts:

TeenyQueen · 28/12/2021 19:54

I had my 1st and 2nd jabs whilst breastfeeding my toddler, conceived a couple of months after my 2nd jab and had my booster whilst 4 months pregnant. No issues at all, and I work in quite a high risk environment where some of my colleagues became seriously ill with covid before they were eligible for the vaccine. The vaccine is highly recommended for pregnant women by health professionals and millions of pregnant or TTC women have had it around the world.

How does your husband feel about the flu vaccine, or whooping cough, or routine childhood vaccinations?

colourPink · 28/12/2021 20:02

@sosijrol

Thank you! Exactly this. I've already decided I'm getting vaccinated I just wanted advice on How best to handle it.

Original poster

SmithCW · 28/12/2021 20:07

@TeenyQueen

How does your husband feel about the flu vaccine, or whooping cough, or routine childhood vaccinations?

This makes me feel very reassured. He's happy with all other vaccines. I think he's just got caught up with all of this covid fear/rubbish spouted by his mum. He doesn't believe 98% of what she says but I think some part of it has stuck and he can't help but feel slightly worried.

I think he'll come around with getting his own vaccine. In the meantime he's accepted I'm getting it and there wasn't much fall out.

We're currently sipping on wine and having a lovely night together! Marriages have difficult bumps in the road and this was one of those for us.

OP posts:

colourPink · 28/12/2021 20:07

@SantaClawsServiette I just want to thank you for your compassion and advice.

milkieway · 28/12/2021 20:34

OP where I work we are mostly women and it's health care so we've all had all the vaccines it has absolutely not had any impact on fertility in fact everyone's going off on mat leave

I hope you can stand strong now on YOUR decision to get vaccinated and it really is none of his or his family's business and like another poster said you just need a stock phrase you'll repeat whenever they bring it up "eg Thankyou for your concern but I don't want to talk about it anymore or hear more about it" repeat your response if needed - if they can't respect those boundaries and keep going on about it with you then I really don't think they're the sort of people I'd want to be bringing my child up around

Sarahschild · 28/12/2021 21:13

Oh I see NannyOgg is up for an argument.
I chose to not have it because I don’t want it.

I don’t have to justify myself to a stranger in the internet.

OP I think you know the stance of pro vaccination on MN and that is why you posted. You want to be justified in your decision.
That’s why loads of people post on here so they can have their thoughts validated by a bunch of people that don’t know.
Maybe your husband is right, maybe you should wait. Only you can decide for yourself but you must have known pretty much everyone on here will tell you do it.
Let’s see if MNHQ delete this post too.
Can’t have a different view on MN.

MummyBearBoo · 28/12/2021 21:27

It's ok for him to say no to the vaccine he won't be pregnant and so have a lower immune system so he might have a 98% mortality rate but as an unvaccinated pregnant woman your odds won't be that high!
Most people in hospital high dependency units who are not elderly are unvaccinated people and don't forget any antibodies you create from the vaccine will pass to your baby to help them!!
Plus should you be unvaccinated and catch covid while pregnant, which is well known to cause fever, can result in birth defects as fevers and viruses are known to have the potential to do this!

Sedai · 28/12/2021 21:31

Gently agreeing that his behaviour sounds very unhealthy and controlling, OP.
Plenty of couples have one vaccinated and one not, because it is a personal medical decision that is yours and yours alone to make.

SpeedRunParent · 28/12/2021 21:40

Your DH can disagree all he likes but it should have no bearing on your decision. He doesn't own you and nor does his family. Allowing his family to dictate to you in this way is wildly unhealthy and makes you sound like a scared little doormat. You have the brains to make up your own mind, stand firm - make your own decision. No one will respect you for 'doing as you are told' in this way. It'll just make you more of a target.

PoloMintHum · 28/12/2021 21:50

OP I don't think your dh is trying to be controlling. He loves you and is fearful of the impact a vaccine may have on you and him. It's up to you whether or not you have it, I wouldn't be harsh on him though. People have died following the vaccine as well as covid, choose the path that's right for you.

Jarbed · 28/12/2021 21:53

@Sarahschild

Oh I see NannyOgg is up for an argument. I chose to not have it because I don’t want it.

I don’t have to justify myself to a stranger in the internet.

We can just ignore the issue of whether OP actually gets the vaccine or not and focus on the fact that she's basing a medical decision on the perceived reaction of her husband and his family. Doesn't sound like a good relationship.

thepeopleversuswork · 28/12/2021 22:03

@PoloMintHum

You would have to have been living under a rock for two years to think the risks from having the vaccine are equivalent to those from having Covid. I can’t comprehend that there are still people out there who think this.

RampantIvy · 28/12/2021 22:09

People have died following the vaccine as well as covid, choose the path that's right for you.

A miniscule number of people have died from the vaccine, compared to 148,000 deaths from coronavirus. How anyone cannot understand the difference in risk is utterly beyond me.

Sedai · 28/12/2021 22:15

@PoloMintHum

He doesn't get to take away her decision. OP gets to research and decide what's best for her.

Cornnuts · 28/12/2021 22:19

I am early 30s with no health problems and covid nearly killed me last year. I was in the ICU and it took me 10 weeks before I could start to function again. Even now 20 months later I need an inhaler and two lots of medication daily because of the damage that was done to my lungs.

It is your body and your choice. Don’t let anyone make a decision that could potentially endanger your life and to me that isn’t hyperbole.
Do not act to please other people. If your DH does not support you in your choice then you really should not be having children with him, what happens if he doesn’t want your children vaccinated? Or he doesn’t want you to have medical interventions during childbirth? Would you allow him to make those decisions for you?
I agree with other posters. Your body, your choice.

Briarshollow · 28/12/2021 22:19

My brother is a doctor. He works in ITU and intubates patients in the Covid wards. One young man (mid 30s) was unvaccinated and was brought into the ITU to be put on a ventilator. His family were antivaxxers. Not on of them had it and believed all the usual bollocks. As their son lay unconscious with a machine breathing for him, they asked my brother if he could have the vaccine then. He was so incredulous and told them it was much, much too late. Vaccines prevent you getting seriously ill.

That young man did not survive and the sheer needlessness of it deeply upset my otherwise pragmatic brother. He couldn’t tell the family what he really thought of them but he did tell them to get the vaccine.

sosijrol · 28/12/2021 22:21

@RampantIvy

People have died following the vaccine as well as covid, choose the path that's right for you.

A miniscule number of people have died from the vaccine, compared to 148,000 deaths from coronavirus. How anyone cannot understand the difference in risk is utterly beyond me.

Is that deaths actually solely caused by covid, or deaths within 28 days of a positive test and/or comorbidities…?

amicissimma · 28/12/2021 22:31

My friend's DD caught Covid when her baby was a few days old. She was terrified for the baby until the midwife pointed out that, having been inside the DD when she was vaccinated during pregnancy, the baby was double vaccinated. Or, had the mum been vaccinated previously, the baby would have received mum's antibodies via the placenta.

The DD was unwell for a few days, the baby was fine. But the DD was so relieved that she had been vaccinated so that the baby had some immunity because the birth and the days after are a time when mum and baby are in contact with a large number of people, indoors.

ExcaliburBaby · 28/12/2021 22:36

I wouldn’t want to have children with someone so controlling and who felt they had the final say over my body and medical treatments. Same for his family. I’d get out now.

violetbunny · 28/12/2021 22:36

The bottom line is that he needs to respect your decision whatever that is. Anyone who doesn't is not someone you should be in a relationship with. This is pretty fundamental for a relationship and if he can't respect your choice then there's absolutely no way I'd be contemplating having kids with him.

justasking111 · 28/12/2021 22:38

Stories like this are heartbreaking sorry can't link

Fatandfifty49 · 28/12/2021 22:39

For now, just get vaccinated. You Don't have to tell anyone. Just go. I would do the same with any children we had (if our relationship survived this).

Stop worrying about upsetting people. You are upset. By them and their attitudes. Value your own opinions and do what's right for you

thing47 · 28/12/2021 22:40

People have died following the vaccine as well as covid, choose the path that's right for you.

9, I believe, is the number of deaths attributed to the vaccine. Even a simpleton should be able to work out that that is a smaller number than the number of people who have died either from or with the virus itself.

Really I don't know why MN is allowing people to draw equivalence between the two. While not factually incorrect to say people have died of the vaccine, people who bring it up are either wilfully misrepresenting the truth or are so spectacularly stupid that they should be ignored.

JanisMoplin · 28/12/2021 22:52

@thing47

People have died following the vaccine as well as covid, choose the path that's right for you.

Every day I see this equivalence being drawn. And people being urged to do their own research. There are people with decades of experience and with a better grasp of stats who have already done that research.

Fatandfifty49 · 28/12/2021 22:54

No vaccine is 100% safe or effective . The risks of disease are higher. They'd have to be or the vaccine would be useless.

I wasn't sure about the vaccine at first but Ive seen every man and his dog have it now and they've been Ok. Those I know who have been really ill with Covid were unvaccinated at that time

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