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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Vaccine arguments are pulling us apart

390 replies

SmithCW · 28/12/2021 12:03

Hi everyone,

This is really hard for me to talk about as I know how judgemental some people are over anything COVID related. So, both me and my husband aren't vaccinated against COVID. At first it was because we weren't old enough (mid 20s) but when it became available for us we, like many of our peers, were hesitant to take the leap. The vaccine felt too new and we knew we would be TTC within the next few months and wanted to make sure it would be safe. My husband felt strongly that he didn't need it (98% survival rate for his age).

Over time there's so much more evidence about the side effects and whatnot and that coupled with the extreme pressures from society I've wanted to get vaccinated for the last few months. Problem is - he doesn't and really doesn't want me to either. His family (my in laws) have flipped and gone massive anti-vaxx in all the crazy extreme ways (they want us to promise we'd never get it) and although my husband isn't like that I can't help but feel he is heavily influenced by his family but he thinks I'm heavily influenced by mine (all had the vaccine and are desperate for me to).

It's hard to put this into words or to make people understand but I now feel CONSTANTLY anxious over this - it's like a dark cloud that follows me around. I feel like a black sheep in society and I HATE IT. But I'm also not ready to risk my marriage over it? I am so scared this will tear us apart and we are only newlyweds. We got married in Aug and have been TTC since. I just don't know what's right here. His family (especially his mum) are so full on about it that I genuinely think they'd cut me out for being vaccinated but I've been with him for 8 years and his parents are like parents to me - I'm so so scared of upsetting them. It's also sooooo hard when your husband is begging for you not to have it. He says he probably will get it eventually but not for a few years when he feels extremely confident that it won't have any future effects on our children and that we can't possibly know it won't for sure as it's not been around long enough.

I know he sounds OTT but he is honestly the most chilled guy - this is so unlike him. I have this fear that if I go and get it he: a) might just leave me. B) if I were to miscarry/ anything wrong with our child he'd blame me C) I'd tear him away from his family. They would bring this up at EVERY family gathering for years to come.

I know a lot of you will just say "your body your choice" and "good riddance" if he'd leave me but in reality that's a very, very different situation. I suppose I'm looking for some GENUINE advice here. I feel like it's breaking me apart and I can't cope anymore but I love him. I'm not stupid or naive here but I want a way to navigate and handle this in the right way.

Sorry for the long post and I hope I don't cause too much controversy- that's not my aim.

OP posts:
wannabeamummysobad · 28/12/2021 17:25

@Nanny0gg @GoodPrincessWenceslas this is the great thing about freedom of choice- I and many others have made ours.
I agree the media is reporting about unvaccinated pregnant women dying however 15 ICU deaths in 8 months is not a stat given the number of unvaccinated pregnant women there are. Personally I know many women who chose not to have the vaccine and had heathy babies. I also know one who will get boostered. Right now I'd prefer to hedge my bets being that I wfh, don't spend time around school age kids (super spreaders of most diseases), wear a mask everywhere and limit my social activities. I also test twice a week.

How many people can honestly say the same.

DukkaTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 28/12/2021 17:29

Thing is, if your mil has this much influence already, how much worse do you think it will be when you actually have children?

Kudupoo · 28/12/2021 17:29

If you conceive, your foetus has no choice about which body is their home. Give it the best chance and the best environment it can have - this includes vaccinating yourself now against a disease that could be incredibly dangerous for both you and you unborn baby if you get it while pregnant.
There are heartbreaking stories from the ICU that I don't want to go in to. They don't need to be your story. Vaccinate yourself so if you get pregnant your body can concentrate on growing your baby, rather than having to fight off a disease as well. Just the thought of a baby stuck in a mum who can only pump blood without enough oxygen to it is so saddening, for all concerned.

Kshhuxnxk · 28/12/2021 17:30

You have to take responsibility for yourself and if you can't well honestly, you shouldn't be trying to bring a child into this world until you're grown up enough to do so. I am vaccinated and DP is not. I made my choice he made his and that's all there is to it. It doesn't matter what he thinks or what I think, we're both adult enough to accept each person should make their own decision.

Winter2020 · 28/12/2021 17:30

As catching Covid is very dangerous in pregnancy if you don’t want the jab delay getting pregnant by a year or two.

You can then wait for the pandemic to subside/normal life and NHS service to resume thanks to all those people that were willing to do their bit and get vaccinated. This approach will allow you to benefit without having to put yourself out.

Nanny0gg · 28/12/2021 17:36

@vickyp0llard

I get it, I was in a very similar situation myself. Family are anti-vaxx and not the stupid moron type, my mum spends hours every evening reading academic papers and listening to lectures and basically convinced us we would be harmed if we had it (we also both had covid and are young/healthy). We put it off until about 2 weeks ago, as we want to go to a friend's wedding abroad so in the end it came down to that. However I never told my husband that he couldn't have it done, so I think it is wrong that your husband is dictating to you what to do with your body. It should be your choice and yours only.

You don't have to tell his family if you get it - we're not telling mine as it would be endless grief and shouting.

So, initially you wouldn't have it because it's 'harmful'

But because you wanted to go off on a jolly, suddenly it wasn't?

As an old friend of mine used to say: 'Why should England tremble?'

Nanny0gg · 28/12/2021 17:39

[quote wannabeamummysobad]**@Nanny0gg* @GoodPrincessWenceslas* this is the great thing about freedom of choice- I and many others have made ours.
I agree the media is reporting about unvaccinated pregnant women dying however 15 ICU deaths in 8 months is not a stat given the number of unvaccinated pregnant women there are. Personally I know many women who chose not to have the vaccine and had heathy babies. I also know one who will get boostered. Right now I'd prefer to hedge my bets being that I wfh, don't spend time around school age kids (super spreaders of most diseases), wear a mask everywhere and limit my social activities. I also test twice a week.

How many people can honestly say the same. [/quote]
As I'm of the age that remembers TB, polio, diphtheria, rampant whooping cough etc I'm very glad our parents weren't quite as worried about 'freedom of choice' as they were about the safety and wellbeing of theirs and everyone else's children

MissMaple82 · 28/12/2021 17:40

Just so you know, I am mid 30's and had the Pfizer back in early September and I never got my next period so I’ve chosen not to have anymore. I've still not had a period 3 months on, and so signs or symptoms of one arriving anytime soon. If its halting periods, what else is it doing to our internal organs, more importantly our reproductive organs. I'd be wary for a whole host of reasons if your wanting to conceive.

MissMaple82 · 28/12/2021 17:42

I can sympathise with the devide its causing, I'm not allowed around family as I've chosen not to be vaccinated.

MissMaple82 · 28/12/2021 17:44

@Gettingoldandgrumpy I think its the other way around, the vaccinated need to stop telling the uncaccinated to get vaccinated. I've never told anyone not to be vaccinated but can now count on 2 hands how many times a vaccinated person has ordered me to get vaccinated as I'm being selfish

offtothebeach · 28/12/2021 17:51

Have the vaccine and just don't tell him. I am unvaccinated but tell people I am, for an easy life and to avoid unwanted advice. It's your body so is your decision and really is no nothing to do with any one else.

chinabumps · 28/12/2021 17:54

I'd probably do the same as him and just wait a little while to get the vaccine tbh. However it's your body, even if you didn't want the vaccine at all and DH wanted you to get it, no one should be pressured especially to this extent. I personally don't think it's worth losing your marriage over either

Original poster
SmithCW · 28/12/2021 17:59

@MissMaple82

Just so you know, I am mid 30's and had the Pfizer back in early September and I never got my next period so I’ve chosen not to have anymore. I've still not had a period 3 months on, and so signs or symptoms of one arriving anytime soon. If its halting periods, what else is it doing to our internal organs, more importantly our reproductive organs. I'd be wary for a whole host of reasons if your wanting to conceive.
And this is the reason he wants to wait until we've conceived. He knows many people (and so do I) who have had this side effect.

We're still discussing!

OP posts:
CambsAlways · 28/12/2021 18:00

It is your choice and yours only! Do not be bullied either way op, both my husband and myself have had disagreements over the vaccine, but I stand my ground and go with my gut instinct everytime, this vaccine is causing so many disagreements, but at the end of the day do what you feel is right for you

Veryverycalmnow · 28/12/2021 18:07

If you let this go, what other decisions about your body and health will he and his family be making for you in the future?
The pressure on unvaccinated people is probably going to get worse to be honest.
Sorry you're going through this

Branleuse · 28/12/2021 18:12

Theyre not the boss of you. If your marriage wouldnt survive this then your marriage wouldnt survive anyway. Would they be this controlling over your childrens heathcare too.
You need to stand up for yourself. Youre not a child

OnlyAFleshWound · 28/12/2021 18:12

@Skippykangaroo

So sorry you're going through this..you're right, the vitriol from both sides is utterly destroying society and families.. We are on the opposite side of the fence. My husbands family are trying to bully my DH into getting jabbed (I've had the first two)..what they need to stop and realise is that if they keep on at him, he will disregard them forever and the relationship will be over. They're being vile about it. My sis in law is also being a twat about it but frankly I'll be glad of an excuse not to see her again..wouldn't want to infect her now would I? Grin

It's incredibly sad. You need to research and research some more (not just MSM), dig deep and ultimately have a proper heart to heart with your husband about how this is tearing you up. Disregard the wider family in this. If they are decent human beings and care for you, they will not judge you for a personal medical decision and they will respect your decision.

You need to research and research some more (not just MSM), dig deep and ultimately have a proper heart to heart with your husband about how this is tearing you up.

What qualifies you and your husband (or the OP and her husband) to 'research and research some more'? Are any of you virologists or biologists or even medical doctors? What are your academic credentials and experience? How do they qualify you to override the advice from scientists and virologists and epidemiologists?

As a bare, bare, minimum you don't even have access to the journals and papers that would enable you to read the current research, even if you had a chance of understanding the science.

milkieway · 28/12/2021 18:13

You need to do your research properly rather than relying on anecdotal facts from "people you know" having disturbances with their menstrual cycles

There are also lots of reported disturbances with menstrual cycles from people contracting covid 19 / suffering with long covid so unless your willing to shut yourself away for the entirety of ttc or being pregnant you need to also consider that

www.rcog.org.uk/en/news/rcogfsrh-responds-to-reports-of-30000-womens-periods-affected-after-covid-19-vaccine/

OnlyAFleshWound · 28/12/2021 18:19

We know that the COVID-19 can cause severe illness in pregnant women with a disproportionate number of unvaccinated pregnant women in intensive care. If a woman contracts COVID-19, evidence shows they are more likely to have a preterm birth or stillbirth.

so your husband is convinced by people you know saying they've missed periods because of the vaccine, but not bothered about the hard evidence that unvaccinated pregnant women are more likely to have their babies die?
www.gov.uk/government/news/unvaccinated-mothers-urge-pregnant-women-to-get-jabbed

What a hero

justasking111 · 28/12/2021 18:20

Glad you're talking, I wouldnt tell his family one damned thing about your health going forward nor any children you have

OnlyAFleshWound · 28/12/2021 18:21

Nearly 1 in 5 COVID-19 patients who are most critically ill are pregnant women who have not been vaccinated. Of those pregnant women in hospital with symptomatic COVID-19, 98% are unvaccinated, and no fully vaccinated pregnant women were admitted to intensive care with COVID-19 in England between February and the end of September 2021. Around 1 in 5 women who are hospitalised with the virus need to be delivered preterm to help them recover and 1 in 5 of their babies need care in the neonatal unit.

DukkaTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 28/12/2021 18:22

What qualifies you and your husband (or the OP and her husband) to 'research and research some more'? Are any of you virologists or biologists or even medical doctors? What are your academic credentials and experience? How do they qualify you to override the advice from scientists and virologists and epidemiologists?

Research usually means 20 minutes of furious Googling doesn’t it?

SweetBabyCheeses99 · 28/12/2021 18:22

“ My husband felt strongly that he didn't need it (98% survival rate for his age).”

But he’s in his mid 20s? The survival rate is greater than 99.9%? Assuming he has no co-morbidities? I have no idea where you got 2% from but if you actually looked into the risks you might feel differently.

MargosKaftan · 28/12/2021 18:22

It might be worth you telling his parents though- big smile and "yes I know you looked at the info and decided not to have it, I decided it was right for me." They need to learn early they get an opinion, but you are free to ignore it. If you have dc with your dh you dont want them thinking they get to decide things about your medical decisions or your dc's.

OnlyAFleshWound · 28/12/2021 18:27

@DukkaTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly

What qualifies you and your husband (or the OP and her husband) to 'research and research some more'? Are any of you virologists or biologists or even medical doctors? What are your academic credentials and experience? How do they qualify you to override the advice from scientists and virologists and epidemiologists?

Research usually means 20 minutes of furious Googling doesn’t it?

I think that's optimistic tbh. Usually it's watching an Instagram story and sharing a meme that was forwarded on WhatsApp.
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