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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband had a vasectomy and never told me 😭

590 replies

Berlyboo · 28/12/2021 11:44

I have children healthy and happy everything was going great perfect until I found out that my hubby had a vasectomy.... Its his body and his choice.... But he never discussed it with me.. I feel so angry and hurt by his choice. He wasn't 100% sure if he wanted more children and I wasn't sure if I wanted more children but he made up his own mind to have a vasectomy without speaking to me. . But since then I'm not sexually attracted to him anymore every time I look at him I feel sick that he took a choice away from me and him to have another baby.... We are both young and he took the choice away from us to have another baby he hurt me so much..... Anyways he is now sleeping on the couch the past three months I want him to leave and he won't I just can't forgive him for what he done it makes me sick everyday. He says it will take time for me to get my head around it but he wants to get it reversed as he doesn't feel good about himself any more? 😡 I want him out and I don't know if I'm just angry or what is happening with me but has anyone else gone through this and if they have does it get better?

OP posts:
Cherrytart23 · 29/12/2021 17:44

He decided he doesn't want children send done something about it. He should of atleast told you tho.

thedancingbear · 29/12/2021 18:12

@IceIzzy69

I would be so angry!!! I don’t blame you at all. When I wanted to be sterilised my GP would not even refer me for the consultation until I had brought my DH along to discuss it too. GP explained too many people ask for this type of surgery without their partners knowing. I do see this as a huge betrayal. Time to either get counselling or leave.
More disgusting evidence that men only have bodily autonomy on MN with their spouse’s consent.

His body, his rules. He cans do what he likes. If the OP wants to end the relationship over it, then equally that’s her choice. But the idea that a man should only be able to have procedure if his wife signs it off is frightening.

thedancingbear · 29/12/2021 18:14

[quote girlmom21]@LostForIdeas she said she would've tried to convince him not to have it so I'm gonna hazard a guess that they'd spoken about it more than once and his choice was ignored.

If he had the slightest concern she'd go against his wishes he did the right thing IMO. Obviously he shouldn't have hid it but it sounds like the vasectomy was the right decision. [/quote]
100% this. The information vacuum from the OP speaks volumes

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 29/12/2021 18:18

@AffableApple

I don't understand why he wants to get it reversed if he's being as super responsible as everyone seems to think he's being? (Rather than just being a knob.) What happens when OP's contraception runs out in five years? Does he get it done again? This man is all ego. Not feeling manly enough after the snip, eh? Fair enough to not want any more kids, but tell your life partner FFS.
I don't understand why he wants to get it reversed if he's being as super responsible as everyone seems to think he's being?

Coercion?

OP, have all your children been planned?

JustLyra · 29/12/2021 18:34

@girlmom21

But now he wants to have it reversed! So what does that man actually want?

He wants to say the right thing to stop her ending the marriage... that's quite clear.

He doesn't want more kids because he wouldn't have had a vasectomy if he did.

He didn't tell OP because he knew what her response would be like. And he was right, wasn't he.

He was right not to tell her because he knew she’d end the marriage if he did?

Really? That’s ok to you?

A spouse knows something is a deal breaker so to have their choice and keep their marriage they should just hide it? Rather than allow their spouse the choice to walk away if it’s a deal breaker?

Wow.

girlmom21 · 29/12/2021 18:35

@JustLyra I didn't say that. Stop making things up.

JustLyra · 29/12/2021 18:41

It’s quite staggering the number of people calling the OP controlling or coercive for him being on the sofa, yet his decision to trick her into believing they’d agreed on a stance is somehow ok because “most people wouldn’t leave anyway”…

FrippEnos · 29/12/2021 18:49

JustLyra

There is not enough information to know whether they had agreed on a stance.

FrippEnos · 29/12/2021 18:54

And the bit about him not leaving.

Many in the legal profession say not to leave the marital property.

JustLyra · 29/12/2021 18:54

@FrippEnos

JustLyra

There is not enough information to know whether they had agreed on a stance.

There is. The OP has stated that she had the coil with the agreement that they’d review the situation in 5 years when it needed changing.
JustLyra · 29/12/2021 18:55

@FrippEnos

And the bit about him not leaving.

Many in the legal profession say not to leave the marital property.

I didn’t say anything about leaving the home

I was talking about his decision to hide the fact from the OP so she didn’t have the choice whether to end their marriage over the issue or not.

JustLyra · 29/12/2021 18:59

Ah that was badly worded. I was meaning more that it’s not controlling of the OP to not want to share a bed. In three months they could have properly sorted the split that the OP wants (sort other rooms, our house up for sale etc) is what I was meaning - not specifically him leaving.

FrippEnos · 29/12/2021 19:00

JustLyra

If you read it back the OP has never stated that.

She has stated that her birth control is "safe" for 5 years
and
"if" they had of had the conversation she would have said etc.

FrippEnos · 29/12/2021 19:02

JustLyra

I am all for the OP not sharing a bed and ending the relationship as that is her choice to make.

JustLyra · 29/12/2021 19:07

@FrippEnos

JustLyra

If you read it back the OP has never stated that.

She has stated that her birth control is "safe" for 5 years
and
"if" they had of had the conversation she would have said etc.

She did.

We both decided last year that we are not sure that we want more children so we agreed for me to get the coil inserted as its not permanent.

JustLyra · 29/12/2021 19:09

@FrippEnos

JustLyra

I am all for the OP not sharing a bed and ending the relationship as that is her choice to make.

And that’s the choice his hiding his decision was attempting to take away.

That’s what so many people are missing in the whole “how many children have they got?” “Are they all boys etc?”

It doesn’t matter if they’ve got 2, 6, or if they’re rivalling the Radfords. She had the right to choose what she wanted to do when he said “I’m having a vasectomy as I’m never having more children” and his sneakiness was an attempt at having his way re children and keeping his marriage in the way he wanted.

FrippEnos · 29/12/2021 19:10

Apologies I missed it

But it still doesn't change my mind that this isn't the full story.

jenneferw42 · 29/12/2021 19:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

JustLyra · 29/12/2021 19:16

@FrippEnos

Apologies I missed it

But it still doesn't change my mind that this isn't the full story.

That always the way though. You only ever get one side of the story on here.

Fundamentally though the main issue isn’t the actual vasectomy, IMO. It’s one person making a permanent decision about fertility and then hiding it from their spouse because they know they won’t like it.

That’s never acceptable. It’s not acceptable in this case any more than it would have been for the OP to have her coil removed and not tell her husband.

FrippEnos · 29/12/2021 19:16

JustLyra

The choice that he has taken away keeps changing/being added to.

The question that you are missing out is the happy little accidents one.

As others have said once the accident has happened it takes away his choice and the response would be "shouldn't have had sex" or "should have had the snip."

and this brings us full circle.

NdujaWannaDance · 29/12/2021 19:17

@Puzzledandpissedoff

Have you completely overlooked the fact that he has been deceitful to his life partner by not even discussing this life changing event and then hiding it from her?!

I don't think anyone's "overlooked" that; in fact practically everyone's agreed that it's really not the thing to do

What some of us are wondering, however, is WHY he did it and what the backstory leading to this might be ... but answers come there none

Let's face it, if a woman who already had at least two kids had got sterilised or had an implant behind her DH's back and he'd found and and was furious about it, NOT ONE person on here would side with him.

The default assumption would be that no woman would do that without very good reason and that she was probably in a controlling and coercive relationship where she needed to protect herself from the prospect of an unwanted pregnancy, even if lying and deceiving was the only way to do it.

JustLyra · 29/12/2021 19:18

@FrippEnos

JustLyra

The choice that he has taken away keeps changing/being added to.

The question that you are missing out is the happy little accidents one.

As others have said once the accident has happened it takes away his choice and the response would be "shouldn't have had sex" or "should have had the snip."

and this brings us full circle.

The choice he has taken away is simple. The choice of the Op to stay or not in the marriage with children 100% off the table.

She’s got a coil fitted, as they agreed, and said they also used condoms.

Again though - the issue isn’t the vasectomy. She could, nor shouldn’t, have physically stopped him having it.

The issue is his decision to hide it from her.

JustLyra · 29/12/2021 19:19

*couldnt, nor shouldn’t

Puzzledandpissedoff · 29/12/2021 19:20

A spouse knows something is a deal breaker so to have their choice and keep their marriage they should just hide it? Rather than allow their spouse the choice to walk away if it’s a deal breaker?

Personally I don't think this, but it's instructive to look at various threads where affairs are concerned

If a man's cheated there's an insistence that his partner has to know, which even extends to telling friends and family about their own OH's betrayal ... whereas if a woman's strayed we see "We all make mistakes, just put it behind you instead of burdening him with it" and so on

FrippEnos · 29/12/2021 19:21

JustLyra

The issue is his decision to hide it from her.

and that brings up back to the questions that the OP never answered and what the 'discussions' were and how they responded to each other.

Swipe left for the next trending thread