Husband had a vasectomy and never told me 😭

[Berlyboo]

I have children healthy and happy everything was going great perfect until I found out that my hubby had a vasectomy.... Its his body and his choice.... But he never discussed it with me.. I feel so angry and hurt by his choice. He wasn't 100% sure if he wanted more children and I wasn't sure if I wanted more children but he made up his own mind to have a vasectomy without speaking to me. . But since then I'm not sexually attracted to him anymore every time I look at him I feel sick that he took a choice away from me and him to have another baby.... We are both young and he took the choice away from us to have another baby he hurt me so much..... Anyways he is now sleeping on the couch the past three months I want him to leave and he won't I just can't forgive him for what he done it makes me sick everyday. He says it will take time for me to get my head around it but he wants to get it reversed as he doesn't feel good about himself any more? 😡 I want him out and I don't know if I'm just angry or what is happening with me but has anyone else gone through this and if they have does it get better?

@FrippEnos

JustLyra

The issue is his decision to hide it from her.

and that brings up back to the questions that the OP never answered and what the 'discussions' were and how they responded to each other.

I don’t really understand the need to pick apart the OP like that, I either respond to what’s there - in this case that she didn’t know it was happening, he hid it and has said he doesn’t know when he’d have told her - or if I think the OP is bullshitting just not bother.

@Puzzledandpissedoff

A spouse knows something is a deal breaker so to have their choice and keep their marriage they should just hide it? Rather than allow their spouse the choice to walk away if it’s a deal breaker?

Personally I don't think this, but it's instructive to look at various threads where affairs are concerned

If a man's cheated there's an insistence that his partner has to know, which even extends to telling friends and family about their own OH's betrayal ... whereas if a woman's strayed we see "We all make mistakes, just put it behind you instead of burdening him with it" and so on

I’ve never seen that difference.

In fact the last thread I read where the woman had strayed she got properly ripped apart including comments about her parenting.

Let's face it, if a woman who already had at least two kids had got sterilised or had an implant behind her DH's back and he'd found and and was furious about it, NOT ONE person on here would side with him
The default assumption would be that no woman would do that without very good reason and that she was probably in a controlling and coercive relationship where she needed to protect herself from the prospect of an unwanted pregnancy, even if lying and deceiving was the only way to do it

Agree with all of this, except perhaps the "NOT ONE person"

Usually there's at least one brave enough to post that a woman would have done better to discuss it - and then they're howled down for even suggesting the OP should be expected to discuss something to do with her own body

@JustLyra No, she said she'd ASK him to wait 5 years, not that he initially agreed to wait 5 years.

Honestly if he had of spoken to me about it I would have asked him to wait my contraception is in me for five years. I would never ever even think of getting it taking out without him knowing...... He wasn't sure if he wanted more children either was I so why should he gets the choice to take the choice away from us both in the future as we are safe for five years.... After five years we could have spoken about it and made a decision together

I would have asked him to wait 5 years.

After 5 years we 'could have spoken about it and made a decision together'.

It doesn't sound like 5 years was initially agreed to, she is bringing it up now after the fact.

I’ve never seen that difference

Genuinely surprised about that, Lyra, but I'm willing to bet you'll now pick up on it the next time it happens ...

[quote ForagingForMullberries]**@JustLyra* No, she said she'd ASK him to wait 5 years, not that he initially agreed* to wait 5 years.

Honestly if he had of spoken to me about it I would have asked him to wait my contraception is in me for five years. I would never ever even think of getting it taking out without him knowing...... He wasn't sure if he wanted more children either was I so why should he gets the choice to take the choice away from us both in the future as we are safe for five years.... After five years we could have spoken about it and made a decision together

I would have asked him to wait 5 years.

After 5 years we 'could have spoken about it and made a decision together'.

It doesn't sound like 5 years was initially agreed to, she is bringing it up now after the fact.[/quote]
She did say they’d agreed that. She said she’d ask him to wait the five years if he’d brought up wanting a vasectomy after that

We both decided last year that we are not sure that we want more children so we agreed for me to get the coil inserted as its not permanent. When I asked why he didn't tell me. His exact reply was "I was just being a stupid @sshole it's the worst mistake iv ever made. We talk about everything I trusted him but I just can't get what he done out of my head... He got to make a permanent choice for us both never discussed it with me. But he went behind my back and made that choice for us. When the agreement was five years. Honestly if he told me that he was getting it done I would have asked him to wait as the decision that he was making is permanent.

Let's face it, if a woman who already had at least two kids had got sterilised or had an implant behind her DH's back and he'd found and and was furious about it, NOT ONE person on here would side with him.

An implant is reversible.
Being sterilised as a woman is a MAJOR abdominal surgery, no where comparable to a vasectomy. So yes of course, she would think twice. Plus she wouldn’t be able to hide it iyswim.

It would still be utterly wrong in a relationship that was ‘perfect’ (OP description) or even good enough.
I cannot think about any situation where a woman should go behind her partner’s back to have an implant for example, unless the relationship is abusive and he is likely to remove a condom when he said was using one (Aka Rape) for example. But in that case, that woman would be better LTB rather than have an implant tbh.

so we agreed for me to get the coil inserted as its not permanent.

That does not mean they agreed to "5 years", @JustLyra . Getting the coil fitted really does not say anything, certainly nothing like you suggest that they 'agreed' to a specific "5 year" period. I doubt very much they did. Given the OP's histrionics and overwrought overreaction in the first post and her avoidance of questions, I think she unilaterally decided in her head, and didn't tell him or get his agreeance. I really don't put much stock in anything the OP says anyway given her communication style. There is a lot, and I mean a lot she is leaving out and avoiding. A man does not decide on something like this out of the blue. Most men would run a hundred miles rather than get something done down there. She is fixated on having more children, he clearly doesn't want more. There is far more to this than she is admitting. And given she admits she'd try to twist his arm not to have the vasectomy, I suggest he knows her and knew she would become emotionally manipulative and overwrought over it. I judge her very much on her OP, she just doesn't seem stable to me and perhaps her DH fears that (maybe for the DC they have, too), yes, I am making many assumptions, but her OP really has made up my mind for me.

The OP also said she’d ask him to wait. Not demand, not going into hysterics, not pressure him. Simply asking him, which really is a quite normal thing to do in a normal relationship

And given she admits she'd try to twist his arm not to have the vasectomy

Where did you get from?

And she said 'we agreed to it' many posts later, after many questions. Originally it was just I would encourage him to wait, I would ask him to wait 5 years as I am good for 5 years. Then she changed it to 'we agreed'. Rather conveniently. I just don't buy it. I don't believe anything she says, especially as that 'we agreed' came out so late in the thread. I do not believe 'they' 'agreed' at all.

@ForagingForMullberries

so we agreed for me to get the coil inserted as its not permanent.

That does not mean they agreed to "5 years", @JustLyra . Getting the coil fitted really does not say anything, certainly nothing like you suggest that they 'agreed' to a specific "5 year" period. I doubt very much they did. Given the OP's histrionics and overwrought overreaction in the first post and her avoidance of questions, I think she unilaterally decided in her head, and didn't tell him or get his agreeance. I really don't put much stock in anything the OP says anyway given her communication style. There is a lot, and I mean a lot she is leaving out and avoiding. A man does not decide on something like this out of the blue. Most men would run a hundred miles rather than get something done down there. She is fixated on having more children, he clearly doesn't want more. There is far more to this than she is admitting. And given she admits she'd try to twist his arm not to have the vasectomy, I suggest he knows her and knew she would become emotionally manipulative and overwrought over it. I judge her very much on her OP, she just doesn't seem stable to me and perhaps her DH fears that (maybe for the DC they have, too), yes, I am making many assumptions, but her OP really has made up my mind for me.

Well given that further down she specifically said But he went behind my back and made that choice for us. When the agreement was five years

You’ve clearly decided that the Op is lying and making things up. I don’t agree. I don’t believe in writing the story myself in posts.

She also does not admit that she’d try and twist his arm. She said she’d ask him to wait. That’s not the same thing at all.

To start spouting that he perhaps fears for their children is just ridiculous. That’s some extrapolations indeed.

You are indeed making many assumptions, as you’re entitled to do. Each to their own.

@LostForIdeas

And given she admits she'd try to twist his arm not to have the vasectomy

Where did you get from?

I judge that based on her OP where she is constantly feeling sick and crying and is emotional and overwrought and etc.... She screams very coercive to me.

It's not just about the vasectomy, it's the trust. He's broken your trust. I would never be able to look at him in the same way. For me, we would be done.

I would be exactly the same as you. It's the fact that he never discussed it or told you about it😡I would never be able to trust him again.

i don’t really understand the need to pick apart the OP like that, I either respond to what’s there

I don’t think it’s beyond the realm of possibility that OP’s children may not have been planned. OP refuses to answer this. The only way the husband can take control and make sure it didn’t happen again would be to have a vasectomy.

The are a few warning flags that there may be some coercion within the relationship. There’s nothing wrong with inferring a bigger picture from facts that are glaringly omitted and small pieces of information which stand out.

@ClaryFairchild

This isn't about a vasectomy - this is about trust. He took your trust in him and destroyed it. That can't just be fixed. A vasectomy reversal doesn't fix that. Once the trust is gone it's incredibly difficult, if not impossible, to get it back again.

^^ this. 100%. I wonder what the responses would be if a woman unilaterally decided she wanted a child and didn’t tell her husband/partner that she’d stopped taking the pill? It’s okay apparently for the man to have a vasectomy without telling his wife but not for her to decide to have a child without talking about it with him?

Well , @YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp

The OP refuses to disclose if this has actually happened

If that had been me, I would have gone the whole hog and turned him into a eunoch!!

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

i don’t really understand the need to pick apart the OP like that, I either respond to what’s there

I don’t think it’s beyond the realm of possibility that OP’s children may not have been planned. OP refuses to answer this. The only way the husband can take control and make sure it didn’t happen again would be to have a vasectomy.

The are a few warning flags that there may be some coercion within the relationship. There’s nothing wrong with inferring a bigger picture from facts that are glaringly omitted and small pieces of information which stand out.

There are some warning flags from the husband as well - sneaking around, hiding the vasectomy and admitting he didn't know when he'd tell her, talking about reversing it. The man will clearly say anything to stop his wife making the decision to leave him

Again missing the point that the issue isn't the vasectomy - it's the hiding it. He could have taken control, had it and told her.

Unlike many men out there, he took responsibility so should be praised for that alone.

He could have passed it by you first though.

There are some warning flags from the husband as well - sneaking around, hiding the vasectomy and admitting he didn't know when he'd tell her, talking about reversing it. The man will clearly say anything to stop his wife making the decision to leave him

Again missing the point that the issue isn't the vasectomy - it's the hiding it. He could have taken control, had it and told her.

But all this can be explained by him being the victim of coercive control. It can also be explained by him having had previous unplanned pregnancies.

I wonder what the responses would be if a woman unilaterally decided she wanted a child and didn’t tell her husband/partner that she’d stopped taking the pill?
Yet another poster who seems to think that an adult making a decision not to become a parent again is the same as one adult lying and tricking another adult into becoming a parent and bringing a child into the world who they are responsible for for at least the next 18 year.

The creation of a whole new human life and a baby being born into the world seems to pass some posters by.

@Berlyboo I would be devastated if my husband had done this. Deeply deeply betrayed. Probably as much as infidelity, it would upset me so much.

You enter into marriage together. Decisions that will affect you both and your family are made together or at the very least with care, consideration and consultation.

I think I'd be feeling exactly like you are now. Probably needing him to leave so I could get some head space to sort out where this goes next.

So sorry for you.

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

There are some warning flags from the husband as well - sneaking around, hiding the vasectomy and admitting he didn't know when he'd tell her, talking about reversing it. The man will clearly say anything to stop his wife making the decision to leave him

Again missing the point that the issue isn't the vasectomy - it's the hiding it. He could have taken control, had it and told her.

But all this can be explained by him being the victim of coercive control. It can also be explained by him having had previous unplanned pregnancies.

It could equally be explained by him being controlling and wishing to remove the choice to walk away from her.

It's very interesting that the suggestion he might never have told her was shut down early doors in the thread as speculation, but endless speculation about the OP is apparently ok.