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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband had a vasectomy and never told me 😭

590 replies

Berlyboo · 28/12/2021 11:44

I have children healthy and happy everything was going great perfect until I found out that my hubby had a vasectomy.... Its his body and his choice.... But he never discussed it with me.. I feel so angry and hurt by his choice. He wasn't 100% sure if he wanted more children and I wasn't sure if I wanted more children but he made up his own mind to have a vasectomy without speaking to me. . But since then I'm not sexually attracted to him anymore every time I look at him I feel sick that he took a choice away from me and him to have another baby.... We are both young and he took the choice away from us to have another baby he hurt me so much..... Anyways he is now sleeping on the couch the past three months I want him to leave and he won't I just can't forgive him for what he done it makes me sick everyday. He says it will take time for me to get my head around it but he wants to get it reversed as he doesn't feel good about himself any more? 😡 I want him out and I don't know if I'm just angry or what is happening with me but has anyone else gone through this and if they have does it get better?

OP posts:
Isababybel · 29/12/2021 20:43

Im on your husbands side sorry. Yes in an ideal world though it should have been something you discussed first, but he obviously knows that he doesnt want any more and doesnt want you to have tried and talked him out of it.
I absolutely do not want any more children and theres nothing my dh could say to stop me from getting my tubes tied (its something i want to have done and would do it without his 'blessing'!!).
Id be thrilled if my dh went and got a vasectomy.

Offmyfence · 29/12/2021 20:44

@Isababybel

Im on your husbands side sorry. Yes in an ideal world though it should have been something you discussed first, but he obviously knows that he doesnt want any more and doesnt want you to have tried and talked him out of it. I absolutely do not want any more children and theres nothing my dh could say to stop me from getting my tubes tied (its something i want to have done and would do it without his 'blessing'!!). Id be thrilled if my dh went and got a vasectomy.
Have you discussed this with your husband?

Why won't he have a vasectomy?

Original poster
Berlyboo · 29/12/2021 20:50

Sorry I had to stop reading comments on this it went from me being abusive to abortion its just mental. But a lot of people wanted to know if my other children were planned.. We had our first at 17 and wasn't planned the rest of them were planned while I was studying and when I was on my internships. Also I would never trick a man into pregnancy that is just sick we were always a team until recently. I'll say it again I wasn't sure if I wanted more neither was he. I actually posted desperately looking for advice to see if any other person has gone through this?

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 29/12/2021 20:51

How many is "the rest of them"?

OP he was sure. He doesn't want any more kids.

Original poster
Berlyboo · 29/12/2021 20:54

I also said it on my first post it's his body and his choice on what he does with it. If I knew he was getting it I would have ASKED him to wait not TOLD him to wait.

OP posts:
JustLyra · 29/12/2021 20:57

@Berlyboo

Sorry I had to stop reading comments on this it went from me being abusive to abortion its just mental. But a lot of people wanted to know if my other children were planned.. We had our first at 17 and wasn't planned the rest of them were planned while I was studying and when I was on my internships. Also I would never trick a man into pregnancy that is just sick we were always a team until recently. I'll say it again I wasn't sure if I wanted more neither was he. I actually posted desperately looking for advice to see if any other person has gone through this?
You're unlikely to find anyone who has been through it as it's really not normal to do something like that and hide it from your spouse.

And in many ways it's not going to be massively helpful because everyone's feelings and take on things are different. I would feel massively betrayed despite the fact DH and I both desperately have argued for either me to be sterilised (I'm too young apparenty) and him a vasectomy (he has a blood clotting issue so they wouldn't), but quite a few people on this thread would see it as a nice Christmas present if their DH surprised them with it. Everyone is different.

Couple's counselling could be a good idea if you both genuinely want to attempt to save the marriage, but there is obviously a massive lack of communication and lack of trust between you both, as well as your sense of betrayal.

JustLyra · 29/12/2021 20:58

*I would feel massively betrayed by the secrecy

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 29/12/2021 21:01

@Berlyboo

I also said it on my first post it's his body and his choice on what he does with it. If I knew he was getting it I would have ASKED him to wait not TOLD him to wait.
And if he’d said “no. I’m getting a vasectomy” what would you have said?
loveisanopensore · 29/12/2021 21:07

You keep saying he wasn't sure but he must have and didn't want to tell you.

Maybe it varies by NHS trusts but when my husband had his he had to go to a council in session a few weeks before.
He got the procedure which he had to consent to and then a month later gave a sample to confirm there was no sperm.

How did he hide all this from you?

Greensmoothie1 · 29/12/2021 21:09

@Berlyboo

I also said it on my first post it's his body and his choice on what he does with it. If I knew he was getting it I would have ASKED him to wait not TOLD him to wait.
Why would you ask him to wait? Why not respect his decision? When would you “allow” him to have the snip? After you accidentally fall pregnant? He is not a sperm bank.
PomegranateRose · 29/12/2021 21:34

I understand your feelings of betrayal that a serious decision impacting your future together was made without your knowledge. What I think is unreasonable is your continuing this current stalemate when you have children in the house. If you do not want to sleep in the same room, take turns on the sofa, whatever. But the way you have handled this is showing your children that as far as you’re concerned, their father is in the doghouse and you can’t both handle it like adults. Seek counselling or split up. Whatever the reasons, whether it was fair or not, the fact that your husband did anything major without discussing it with you first speaks to serious issues in your “perfect” relationship.

Original poster
Berlyboo · 29/12/2021 21:59

**Why would you ask him to wait? Why not respect his decision? When would you “allow” him to have the snip? After you accidentally fall pregnant? He is not a sperm bank.

Sorry but we accidentally fell pregnant once when we were both young.. I would never ever trick us into pregnancy NEVER that's disgusting. We were unsure of children in the future but in five years time he could want another one or I could want another one it was a choice that he took away from us both on his own. If he told me he was getting it done I would have asked him to wait but I don't no because it was never discussed. I don't care about the vasectomy now it's how he done it. Either way he should have told me.

OP posts:
thedancingbear · 29/12/2021 22:04

@Berlyboo

**Why would you ask him to wait? Why not respect his decision? When would you “allow” him to have the snip? After you accidentally fall pregnant? He is not a sperm bank.

Sorry but we accidentally fell pregnant once when we were both young.. I would never ever trick us into pregnancy NEVER that's disgusting. We were unsure of children in the future but in five years time he could want another one or I could want another one it was a choice that he took away from us both on his own. If he told me he was getting it done I would have asked him to wait but I don't no because it was never discussed. I don't care about the vasectomy now it's how he done it. Either way he should have told me.

So the only way he could’ve had a vasectomy now was without your agreement.

Which is what he did.

LolaSmiles · 29/12/2021 22:08

Sorry but we accidentally fell pregnant once when we were both young.
That might explain why he was keen to make a major decision to prevent himself becoming a father again. He knows first hand that contraception isn't 100%. The idea of waiting another 5 years and hoping there's no contraceptive failure is basically expecting him to cross his fingers that an unplanned pregnancy doesn't occur and if it did that you'd end the pregnancy (which he wouldn't have a say on as woman's body, woman's choice at the end of the day).

He should have told you, but the last few months don't sound like a positive environment for your existing children to be honest, and the fact the conversation about family planning couldn't be had suggests all was not perfect before.

youkiddingme · 29/12/2021 22:32

What's all this, 'his body his choice' bollocks? Of course it's his choice, but choosing to keep it secret from his wife, whom it also affects is totally out of order. You might as well say, 'shagging the neighbour and keeping it secret - his body, his choice.'
It's not about his right to own his fertility, it's about the honesty of what you both bring to the relationship. And no, I don't think a woman should secretly get sterilised and not tell her partner.
The Op has a right to ASK him to consider waiting and he has a right to refuse. The secrecy is not acceptable.

Op you need to focus on what exactly it is you are angry about and what you want to do about it. Is it the loss of a chance of children - which your OH has a perfect right to deny you, and which you either accept or not. Or the deception? - and what does the deception mean for you and your relationship? Get help working it out if you need to. I wish you well.

SweetPotatoDumpling · 29/12/2021 23:12

How many children do you have OP?

Blue4YOU · 30/12/2021 00:03

Op - I posted a lot earlier in this thread.
I get it.
Ignore the comments about you ignoring his bodily autonomy etc etc.
He did something you didn’t even get to discuss and regardless of whether you’d ever want more children or not, he decided- Willy Nilly (if you’d excuse the pun) to make it all about him.
What did he say when you found out? I mean, his first reaction?

NdujaWannaDance · 30/12/2021 04:53

'the rest of them'?

OP why didn't you say how many 'the rest of them' are?

Is it two?

It's sounds to me like it's at least three.

You keep saying 'he was unsure' about more children in the future and 'we agreed' I'd have a coil for five years and then discuss it some more then.

It sounds to me as though he was sure, but you just had your fingers in your ears.

It's not just about the vasectomy, it's the trust. He's broken your trust. I would never be able to look at him in the same way. For me, we would be done.

This is being said over and over, but I'm not sure I agree. Of course the trust has been broken and that's not good, but for this OP I actually think it is all abou the vasectomy and the trust thing is secondary.

'I'd have asked him to wait. I would not have TOLD him to wait.'

And what would you have done if he'd refused to wait? He'd still be on the sofa either way, wouldn't he?

ForagingForMullberries · 30/12/2021 09:10

OP why won't you answer how many children you have? You answered a post after someone again asked you how many you have. Why won't you say how many children you have?

Dailywalk · 30/12/2021 09:20

This would be the end of the line for me. Whether i wanted more children or not is only part of the issue. He has deliberately kept a huge secret from you. Something that should have been discussed. (He now wants to reverse it too??) I’m sorry OP but the trust has gone and I don’t think you’re going to be able to trust him again.

gamerchick · 30/12/2021 09:21

This is one of those threads where i want to hear his side of it.

Yuledo · 30/12/2021 09:22

I get you op. It’s not even about the op. It’s the fundamental value of trust.
He kept something secret from you. A decision that should have been made together. He took choices away from you. His right, but you needed to be part of that process.
It goes far deeper than just the vasectomy.

Sandinmyknickers · 30/12/2021 09:29

@Berlyboo

My birth control plus a condom from his end.. I'm sure it would equal to 99.9% because nothing is ever 100% so I'm told not even I vasectomy 🤷‍♀️ I'm just actually shattered that he took a choice from us both
I don't understand this "he took a choice from us". The moment he decided he didn't want more children, you no longer had s choice. Or are you basically saying you would have invalidated his feelings and tried to convince him to have more children sgainst his will if he had tried to discuss it with you?
twominutesmore · 30/12/2021 09:31

I don't think he took a choice away because there was no choice to make - he was absolutely certain that he didn't want more children.

I wonder whether he tried to convey this but your talk of choices and decisions made him think that you didn't realise how tightly the door was closed?

He should certainly have told you, no question. But I am curious as to why he didn't. The fact that you are so furious, want to end the marriage, made him sleep on the sofa for three months, does make me think that you may not have taken his choice not to have more children very well. Even now, do you think he really wants a reversal or is just trying to placate you?

Briarshollow · 30/12/2021 09:33

How many children do you have @Berlyboo? One at 17 and then ‘the rest of them’, sounds like you have three or more? Maybe he felt his child rearing days were over. You got started very young.

The way he did it is strange for a loving marriage but at the end of the day, it’s his health, his body and you really don’t get a say on that.