Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband had a vasectomy and never told me 😭

590 replies

Berlyboo · 28/12/2021 11:44

I have children healthy and happy everything was going great perfect until I found out that my hubby had a vasectomy.... Its his body and his choice.... But he never discussed it with me.. I feel so angry and hurt by his choice. He wasn't 100% sure if he wanted more children and I wasn't sure if I wanted more children but he made up his own mind to have a vasectomy without speaking to me. . But since then I'm not sexually attracted to him anymore every time I look at him I feel sick that he took a choice away from me and him to have another baby.... We are both young and he took the choice away from us to have another baby he hurt me so much..... Anyways he is now sleeping on the couch the past three months I want him to leave and he won't I just can't forgive him for what he done it makes me sick everyday. He says it will take time for me to get my head around it but he wants to get it reversed as he doesn't feel good about himself any more? 😡 I want him out and I don't know if I'm just angry or what is happening with me but has anyone else gone through this and if they have does it get better?

OP posts:
ForagingForMullberries · 30/12/2021 09:33

I don't understand this "he took a choice from us". The moment he decided he didn't want more children, you no longer had s choice. Or are you basically saying you would have invalidated his feelings and tried to convince him to have more children sgainst his will if he had tried to discuss it with you?

That's exactly what she would have tried to do and she has admitted that much at least, even if she doesn't have the guts to admit to us how many children they have, which would also fill in a bit of the backstory as to why he was so adamant to have it done, so I think there is a reason why she won't say, probably 4 or 5 kids.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 30/12/2021 09:34

@Sandinmyknickers

That’s exactly right!
He took away the chance of them having more children together when he decided he didn’t want any more. Regardless of if he had a vasectomy, if she really respected his wishes, he didn’t want any more so they wouldn’t be having any more.

The only way to read “I’m just actually shattered that he took a choice from us both” is that OP was going to convince him to have more children.

NdujaWannaDance · 30/12/2021 10:41

I don't think he took a choice away because there was no choice to make - he was absolutely certain that he didn't want more children.

Exactly. The only choice that was taken away was the choice for the OP to try to change his mind using emotionally manipulative tactics.

And I think he did it with that very thing in mind.

OP please, please com back and tell us honestly, how many children you have and what their sexes are.

Original poster
Berlyboo · 30/12/2021 10:46

We have three children! It's not about how many children I have! Also I never said I wanted more i was unsure if I wanted more and so was he. That's why I would have asked him to wait if he had of spoken to me about it but he didn't. I am not annoyed about the vasectomy now it's the way he went about the vasectomy he never told me and if he did that would have been a whole other story at least I would have known. I was working a week of night shifts when he got the procedure done. So that's how I never knew about it. At the end of my thread I asked for advice not a made up discussion about my life including me being a bad mom. What is wrong with use. My children are my life I would never hurt them. Yes their father is staying on the sofa but they are non the wiser. I speak to him daily the children are in bed before us and we wake before them they don't know anything about it. Some people are so kind and others are very strange but thank you for all your kind comments some of you people need to get off your bums and get a job as sitting on this mumsnet site putting other people down is not healthy. I taught this was a nice site full of happy mams and dad's but I was wrong. I asked for advice and by the end of this thread I am abusive and controlling not nice things to say when there is adults and children out there every day being abused and controlled every single minute of their day. Please in future before putting up terrible and hurtful comments think of the other person on the other side. Everyone is entitled to their opinion but if its hurtful please do not post it as it can effect the other person on the other end. Thank you again to those people with kind comments ❤️

OP posts:
NdujaWannaDance · 30/12/2021 10:49

We have three children! It's not about how many children I have!

Well clearly for him it is!

What sex/es are your children?

Lennon80 · 30/12/2021 10:49

OP ignore the nasty comments here - there are some deeply bitter women on here who take delight in defending mens shitty behaviour and making the women feel bad- they have psychological issues. Take the advice and comments from the sensible people and ignore the rest - IRL these women must be very unhappy. The bitterness is palpable.

NdujaWannaDance · 30/12/2021 10:53

Also I never said I wanted more i was unsure if I wanted more and so was he. That's why I would have asked him to wait if he had of spoken to me about it but he didn't.

You don't get it, do you? You keep on saying he was unsure but he WASN'T unsure.

You say you'd have asked him to wait because YOU were unsure. But that assumes that you get the casting vote on this and he has no choice but to go along with whatever you decide. This is where you just have a basic lack of understanding of his right to decide for himself that three children is enough, regardless of what you think.

CounsellorTroi · 30/12/2021 10:57

I don’t think he’d have had a vasectomy if he really wasn’t sure about having more children. I think you are in denial about this and refusing to hear what he was telling you.

StormzyinaTCup · 30/12/2021 11:03

You don't get it, do you? You keep on saying he was unsure but he WASN'T unsure.

He was unsure at the time it was discussed, he then changed his mind (as is his prerogative) but instead of discussing his change of mind with his wife/partner and how he wanted to address it he just went ahead behind her back and had an irreversible surgical procedure. The upshot being the approach he took may cost him his marriage. Lack of trust and communication is very hard to come back from.

mangowithasqueezeoflime · 30/12/2021 11:05

I totally get where you are coming from and why you are upset.

We have a very different situation. Could only get pregnant with IVF. Have two frozen embryos.

We both have to agree to use them. We both have to agree to destroy them. Clinic made us sign papers for what happens to them if one of us dies. Etc etc

Honestly, that whole structured agreement gives me such peace and there are no surprises- unless we go for one and then he changes his mind. (For exampe, if he refused to show up on implantation day, they couldn't go ahead)

You assume good faith, discussion, negotiation, agreement, consent, respect. And have every right to be hurt he didn't communicate with you about a decision that affects you both.

I hope you can work it out. Thanks

youvegottenminuteslynn · 30/12/2021 11:28

Some people are so kind and others are very strange but thank you for all your kind comments some of you people need to get off your bums and get a job as sitting on this mumsnet site putting other people down is not healthy

Whereas you sound very kind here...

ForagingForMullberries · 30/12/2021 11:33

So, (according to you if we can believe you), you already have 3 children. So why did it take you so long to tell us that? Also don't you think you've been very mean to your husband? You seem very mean and nasty yourself, it's ironic that you can't see your own self in what you accuse others of. And lastly, kids know. They might sneak down to the kitchen for something or see a bit of sheet or pillow tucked under the sofa cushion or a pillow behind the sofa during the day. Even if they don't, they sense the atmosphere, they know. And it's an atmosphere you've created.

VanGoghsDog · 30/12/2021 11:40

I taught this was a nice site full of happy mams and dad's but I was wrong.

Why would you think that? You're not happy. Why do you think everyone else is?

PomegranateRose · 30/12/2021 11:49

Children aren’t stupid. They know there’s an atmosphere and that something is going on with mum and dad, and having dragged this out for even three months already is unfair to them. He decided he didn’t want more children, and the fact that he had a serious procedure done to prevent his fathering any more without telling you suggests that, for one reason or another, your relationship is not one in which he felt he could be open about this plan. Whoever’s ‘fault’ that is isn’t clear here and isn’t what we’re here to decide. What is clear is that you need to decide if this is a dealbreaker for your marriage, and act accordingly. Stop drawing it out, it’s not fair on your kids.

FrippEnos · 30/12/2021 12:21

StormzyinaTCup

He was unsure at the time it was discussed, he then changed his mind

The point is that we don't know this at all. I have had many discussions where the other person has walked off with only want they want to hear.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 30/12/2021 12:25

@FrippEnos

StormzyinaTCup

He was unsure at the time it was discussed, he then changed his mind

The point is that we don't know this at all. I have had many discussions where the other person has walked off with only want they want to hear.

I think the evidence actually suggests otherwise.

The fact that his reason for getting a vasectomy was “I’m an arsehole” and he’s now suggesting a reversal, is evidence to me that she has far too much control over him. He still can’t find the courage to say he doesn’t want more children. Even after having a bloody vasectomy!

No man goes through a vasectomy if they think they’re are at all unsure about having more children.

FrippEnos · 30/12/2021 12:28

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

I think that we are both agreeing but saying it in a different way.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 30/12/2021 12:31

@FrippEnos

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

I think that we are both agreeing but saying it in a different way.

Yes sorry! I wasn’t contradicting you. I was disagreeing with the quote you included and adding to your point. I read it back and realise how badly worded my reply was. Apologies
UniversalAunt · 30/12/2021 12:38

His body, his choice.

However, the relationship between you is an emotional contract & the marriage between you is a legal contract. You are both equal partners in either of these relationships. It is reasonable to expect that if one of you considers/undertakes an action that directly impacts the expectations within the relationship &/or marriage between you that the other person is properly consulted beforehand & is no agreement or compromise can be found then the relationship &/or marriage has broken down.

For example, vasectomy, female sterilisation, moving abroad, leaving to live with another etc.

You have a stalemate here, neither of you is getting to grips with this & this is making you both miserable (& no doubt affecting your children).

Two paths, either

Make an appointment with marriage guidance to get help talking this over. This will take some time to get an appt & you cannot make him go.

Or see a family law specialist at a local solicitors & get advice about his action/alienation are grounds for a divorce. Get advice & facts. Make sure you know where you stand. As this is a very busy time for lawyers, you need to make an appointment for the advice soon.

He has done what he wanted to do.
The ball is now in your court.

I think he knew very well what he wanted to do & did so to provoke the end of your relationship/marriage.

Me, I’d make both appointments today, at the lawyer so that I am better informed & at the marriage guidance so that you both have impartial trained support for you both to understand WTF is going in between you, & you are both prepared either to stay together & rebuild or make a clean healthy break.

I’d say the same to your husband if you’d had an elective sterilisation without consideration between you, & circumstances were the same.

StormzyinaTCup · 30/12/2021 12:45

Fripps there is a lot we don't know so are all fumbling along and interpreting it as we read it. I'm all for putting in a word/point of view on behalf of the other side (usually the man) if I think it warrants it, however, I'm not getting the vibe that the OPs DH is in a controlling relationship.

Maybe he is saying he has been an 'arsehole' for going about it the way he has and being 'found out' (and I'd have to agree) The reasons for him doing it this way are very unclear. Would he have ever told her he had had it done? Was he going to tell her at a time of his choosing? I'd be inclined to say if he had it done secretly then the assumption could be that he had no intention of telling her (however, he was happy to tell his friends). Way more info needed.

FrippEnos · 30/12/2021 12:53

StormzyinaTCup

I agree that we are all reading various things into this.
That there is such a split in what people are taking from what is written is unusual on this forum.

And yes more information would be better.

JustLyra · 30/12/2021 13:28

I think he knew very well what he wanted to do & did so to provoke the end of your relationship/marriage.

It shows how differently people see things as I think the opposite. I think the secrecy was because he knew it could be a deal breaker for the OP and wanted both the vasectomy and the marriage. And was willing to hide things to get both.

rainbowstardrops · 30/12/2021 14:56

It shows how differently people see things as I think the opposite. I think the secrecy was because he knew it could be a deal breaker for the OP and wanted both the vasectomy and the marriage. And was willing to hide things to get both.

That is so incredibly deceitful! There is no way on this earth that I could ever trust him again.

girlmom21 · 30/12/2021 15:08

Yes their father is staying on the sofa but they are non the wiser. I speak to him daily the children are in bed before us and we wake before them they don't know anything about it.

This isn't true OP. I'm sorry but there'll be an atmosphere even if you're talking. It won't be 'normal' with the anger you're feeling right now (understandably).

The lies and deceit are clearly the issue. Do you think you can forgive that?
Is the marriage worth saving?
Were you happy before this?

DivorcedAndDelighted · 30/12/2021 15:53

@Lennon80

OP ignore the nasty comments here - there are some deeply bitter women on here who take delight in defending mens shitty behaviour and making the women feel bad- they have psychological issues. Take the advice and comments from the sensible people and ignore the rest - IRL these women must be very unhappy. The bitterness is palpable.
Seriously, does any response other than "Yes, you're completely right OP, he is a bastard" mean someone is bitter? I think it's a bit more complicated than that.