Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"But we never confirmed" - - with voting option

228 replies

Coffeetree · 28/12/2021 05:30

I showed up at the house of a friend and she was clearly surprised to see me. We still had a visit-- coffee and food I brought. She seemed a little flustered at first and when I asked if everything was okay, she said, "Well I thought you weren't coming because we never confirmed".

I said, "Oh right but you invited me a while back and I said yes great, so..."

Her: "Right but that was a while back and we never confirmed".

We finally dropped it and had a nice visit but was left wondering whether I'd missed some convention.

YES: an invitation and acceptance made over a month in advance needs to be refreshed with a confirmation. Otherwise it expires.

NO: If some issues a specific invitation and you accept, it's reasonable to just stick the event in your diary and rely upon it.

OP posts:
Essexmate · 28/12/2021 09:33

It could be that instead of trying to make you feel awkward, she was trying to cover up for her own awkwardness with not having anything prepared for an invited guest. Although had it been me, I’d have been honest and said make yourself a brew and relax whilst I whip us something up

maddening · 28/12/2021 09:33

Ps I voted yanbu as the op was not unreasonable to go without reconfirming.

KissedintheDark · 28/12/2021 09:36

It's certainly normal/polite nowadays in the UK to reconfirm a day or two before, but it's not your fault that you didn't know that - I guess it's one of those cultural things you learn by doing, since no-one explicitly states it

That's not the case in my experience.

ddl1 · 28/12/2021 09:36

If it was some weeks ago, I would phone/text/e-mail to confirm a few days in advance. Especially right now, with so many people pulling out of events for Covid-related reasons.

What I find more puzzling are the occasions where an arrangement is made just a few days in advance, agreed by both parties, and then one party says on the day 'but you didn't confirm, so I thought it wasn't happening'. This hasn't happened often, and on reflection I think it's always been with German friends, so may reflect some differences in customs. But a few weeks in advance is a bit different.

I don't think either of you were unreasonable.

Everydaydayisaschoolday · 28/12/2021 09:39

That sounds incredibly awkward. She was rude to say what she did. I'd have been very embarrassed by the situation - which is why I generally text the day before a meet up or event 'Are we still on for tomorrow?/Just checking final plans for tomorrow" or some such. And I do that whether I'm going to them or they are coming to me or if we are meeting elsewhere. I'm sure it's very rarely necessary but it means I will never be put in such an awkward spot.

Hotyogahotchoc · 28/12/2021 09:41

I think she was rude

If I was her and thought it wasn't happening I'd have texted to check

Given you arrived it was rude of her to tell you she wasn't expecting you

godmum56 · 28/12/2021 09:44

@KissedintheDark

It's certainly normal/polite nowadays in the UK to reconfirm a day or two before, but it's not your fault that you didn't know that - I guess it's one of those cultural things you learn by doing, since no-one explicitly states it

That's not the case in my experience.

not for a definitely agreed date time place. Your circle may do it but that doesn't mean its a requirement or normal.
SilverPeacock · 28/12/2021 09:46

Maybe I have particularly useless friends or something but I would always confirm a couple of days before a longstanding arrangement whether host or guest. I would have no problem asking if we are still on for Saturday or whatever. It has never occurred to me that there would be a problem with doing that.

She was rude to make you feel awkward and should have made sure everyone knew it was cancelled.

LostForIdeas · 28/12/2021 09:46

I would always double check with an invite made more than a week ago.

I only do that with people who are flaky and cancel at the last minute (or a good friend of mine who has a chronic illness and often doesn’t know until the morning if she will be able to get out of the house).

If someone felt they had to check with me every time if we are still meeting up, I’d think they saw me as unreliable tbh.

rookiemere · 28/12/2021 09:49

I think as other people had pulled out the onus was on her - the host - to either cancel the event entirely, or reconfirm with the remaining visitors. I suppose it has been a busy and unsettling time with regard to arrangements so it's fine that she forgot, but it sounds like she greeted your arrival in an ungracious way.

Ceramide · 28/12/2021 09:50

YANBU

MsAgnesDiPesto · 28/12/2021 09:52

For me, you did nothing wrong at all, OP.

The host had invited a number of people to a specific lunch party, with date, time and venue all clear.

I think that as people dropped out (probably covid related) she didn’t remember or realise that she had invited OP, and therefore didn’t think to tell her that it was off - which it clearly was. If I had planned to host a party and all but one guest dropped out, I would cancel - but never, never without telling that person! Throwing a lunch party is different from an intimate lunch one on one.

The host was wrong not to remember OP hadn’t cancelled, and therefore let her know it was off, and equally wrong to have made OP feel awkward when she was caught out.

Tal45 · 28/12/2021 09:54

If it was cancelled it was her responsibility to let you know. However I've had a very flaky friend so I've learnt to always double check.

CharityDingle · 28/12/2021 09:55

I would have checked a few days beforehand by text, tbh.

CharityDingle · 28/12/2021 09:55

...as the guest, I mean.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 28/12/2021 09:56

@kickupafuss

This happened to me recently but I was hosting. Sent a text to confirm a long standing invitation a couple of days before the event and friends said they were doing something else. It was a birthday meal for DP and I knew he’d have been disappointed so I had to rearrange the time to accommodate them. If I hadn’t texted to confirm they just wouldn’t have shown up.
That's bliddy bad mannered of them! If you make arrangements you stick to them, even if something "better" comes along - but if it was something they felt they had to do(eg visit a sick relative), all they need to do is pick up a phone.
WhenwillIlearntoadult · 28/12/2021 09:57

I sound like an old dinosaur saying this but it’s part of life today. People don’t make plans the way they used to. Everything has to be double checked in case a better offer has come along.
I assume it’s because we all have mobile phones now, so can get hold of each other any time.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 28/12/2021 09:58

@Tal45

If it was cancelled it was her responsibility to let you know. However I've had a very flaky friend so I've learnt to always double check.
Yes - I have a friend like this. I always send "Really looking forward to seeing you on Friday" or whatever.
BarkminsterBlue · 28/12/2021 09:58

@Coffeetree

See if I were hosting a meal and people had RSVPed, I'd be surprised to receive "Are we still on?" messages the day before. Like, I didn't cancel, I'm here preparing food, of course we're "still on". I'd think they were looking for excuse to pull out.
You don’t say ‘are we still on?’ You say something along the lines of ‘looking forward to seeing you on Monday. Can we bring anything?’

I would always confirm a six-week-old arrangement in normal times but especially at the moment.

Normandy144 · 28/12/2021 10:00

As the host she is really the unreasonable one. She should have managed her guest list better and realised that you hadn't formally cancelled. It's not like your RSVP was in any way vague. Having said that I would have double checked the day before with her especially as the host hadn't sent any message out in the week before the event. As a host I would always send out a note closer to the time reminding people of the arrival time, if they need to bring anything.

RoseGoldEagle · 28/12/2021 10:00

Haven't read the full thread, but going on the original post, I think you're in the wrong. You should never show up unannounced at someone's house, even if there's a vague and unspecific invitation from a month ago. What if she had plans that morning?

It wasn’t a vague and unspecific invitation though! It was ‘do you want to come to lunch on this day?’ to which the OP replied ‘yes!’

I feel the same as you OP when someone texts ‘is Saturday still going ahead?’ or whatever- I feel like- well of course, because otherwise I’d have told you it wasn’t! And it does feel like they might be looking for a way out of it. I DO tend to confirm now though (well actually it depends a bit on which friend if is, some I know are like me and would tell me if they’d cancelled)- I tend to phrase it as ‘can’t wait to see you on Friday! I will bring cake!’

WonderfulYou · 28/12/2021 10:00

I do think a text a day or 2 before is normal so it very much could be a cultural thing.

However if I hadn’t heard from the other person then I would send a confirmation text just to say are you still planning on coming? So I do think it’s odd that she just assumed you weren’t coming without confirming it if she’s the type of person that usually likes to double check closer to the time.

starfishofbethlehem · 28/12/2021 10:02

When you set off/an hour before is not enough notice.

The OP had been invited and had already accepted, notice of arrival is not required!!

Changes17 · 28/12/2021 10:04

When I text to confirm, I always think I'm giving them an 'out' if needed, in a considerate kind of a way. Because I don't want them to have to stick to an arrangement just to be polite but because they want to. But it's almost always still on...

WheelOnTheBus · 28/12/2021 10:10

If I make plans well in advance, I do usually send a text to the other person (or persons) to say “are we still on for xxxx this weekend”. However, I don’t think it’s essential if everyone has already said they’re coming.