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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

"But we never confirmed" - - with voting option

228 replies

Coffeetree · 28/12/2021 05:30

I showed up at the house of a friend and she was clearly surprised to see me. We still had a visit-- coffee and food I brought. She seemed a little flustered at first and when I asked if everything was okay, she said, "Well I thought you weren't coming because we never confirmed".

I said, "Oh right but you invited me a while back and I said yes great, so..."

Her: "Right but that was a while back and we never confirmed".

We finally dropped it and had a nice visit but was left wondering whether I'd missed some convention.

YES: an invitation and acceptance made over a month in advance needs to be refreshed with a confirmation. Otherwise it expires.

NO: If some issues a specific invitation and you accept, it's reasonable to just stick the event in your diary and rely upon it.

OP posts:

cptartapp · 28/12/2021 10:13

Why was she flustered if you texted her an hour before?
Did she reply?

purpleme12 · 28/12/2021 10:15

You've done nothing wrong OP
The only reason I check with people a few days before the event if we're still going out is cos unfortunately so many times people let you down
But if it was with someone I know wouldn't let me down then I wouldn't do it anyway
It was her being wierd

PrinzessinCressida · 28/12/2021 10:15

@Coffeetree, I love this thread, I love you and I love your precise, no-bullshit nature. I'd hazard that you're German or Italian - apologies if that's already been said but I've only read your posts on the thread. I agree with everything you say about sticking to arrangements, confirmation fatigue and the fact that "confirming" can sometimes look like you're hoping for a cancellation (that is more often than not why I "confirm"). You are 100% correct and not in the slightest bit U. This woman was slack, had either forgotten she invited you or hoped you wouldn't turn up (perhaps because in her eyes you are a lesser member of the friendship group, and she is expecting you to be magically aware of this because that is how it works for some people). She was also extremely rude to make the inconvenience of your visit so plain. Make of all this what you will.

ashorterday · 28/12/2021 10:24

Hm, I'm on the fence a bit - yes she did invite you so obviously you weren't unreasonable to show up, but if someone invited me a month ahead I would always text to check "still ok for tomorrow?" In case they'd forgotten.

BoredZelda · 28/12/2021 10:29

I invited a friend and her family to stay with me as she needed somewhere to isolate when she came over at Christmas til she got her PCR results. Her plans were up in the air and her response was “lovely of you to offer” I followed up a couple of weeks later to see if she had decided what she was doing and she was confused as she thought her response meant it was clear she had accepted. I thought it was a brush off. Sometimes we aren’t as clear as we think we are.

idonthaveanyplans · 28/12/2021 10:31

I would always confirm and I get why your friend was flustered

Gatehouse77 · 28/12/2021 10:36

This really annoys me. If we’ve made an arrangement and it’s been agreed on then I see no reason to confirm plans unless there are details to check. Otherwise, as far as I’m concerned, we’ve made a plan.

All this nonsense of checking, etc. is is playing into the hands of flakey people and the like.

I don’t think it’s necessarily cultural. In the circumstances OP describes I’d expect the host to to clarify if they’d had cancellations, not the invitee.

334bu · 28/12/2021 10:39

I would always confirm and I get why your friend was flustered

Why would anyone confirm an invitation that they have already accepted? I know that things are different at the moment but surely it would be up to the host/ hostess to check and not the person invited.

gentlerainonthewindow · 28/12/2021 10:39

given it was a month ago you should have phoned the day before to confirm out of courtesy. In this pandemic things change rapidly.

DrGoogleSaysSo · 28/12/2021 10:42

I think the host should be the one asking a couple of days before if you're still coming, especially because your mutual friends had cancelled.

Gatehouse77 · 28/12/2021 10:43

I’m sorry but I don’t understand why it’s incumbent in the guest to confirm?

The host should be doing that.

Cuck00soup · 28/12/2021 10:45

We have people coming today. They messaged yesterday to see if we needed them to bring anything.

I would do similar. It's helpful and confirms arrangements.

rookiemere · 28/12/2021 10:46

Some people seem very intransigent. If I was the guest I would have messaged a few days before the event to check it was still on and was comfortable having me in the house, but the onus was more on the host.
I do think we need to cut people some slack because of covid as arrangements are more subject to last minute changes.

Aprilx · 28/12/2021 10:48

@Coffeetree

Why would she "say no"? She invited me and I said yes.

Well because things change, there is a pandemic, you could b isolating, she could, everyone else cancelled. All kinds of reasons really, that is why normal people would confirm an arrangement made a little while back.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 28/12/2021 10:49

Aside from the question of whether you need to confirm, the hostess was incredibly rude to make the OP feel so uncomfortable. Some friends once turned up a day late to a party we were having (their fault- they had misread the invitation). DH and I still tried to make them feel comfortable and did everything we could to minimise the awkwardness. It’s basic manners.

Russelhobskettle · 28/12/2021 10:49

Some people do this and I don't get it. It's in the diary, I'll turn up, no need to re-confirm an arrangement already made. Got really pissed off at a friend before Xmas. We had arranged to meet, date and time agreed. There I was waiting for her - in an area with poor phone signal - she didn't turn up. I found a signal, then saw some missed calls from her. Rang and she was still at home, she'd rung me earlier to confirm that we were still meeting up... and because I didn't reply just not left the house. By the time she rang I would have been en route anyway.

melj1213 · 28/12/2021 10:51

If I make plans more than a week or so in advance then I will always confirm the day before, especially if there has been no/minimal communication in between, just as a reminder - in exactly the same way as my doctor/dentist sends me a reminder a few days before for the appointment I made 6 months ago, when plans are made so far in advance it is easy for it to slip people's minds.

Especially at this time of year, and with covid, I would always reconfirm a get together before the day of, as its easy for things to be overlooked if other plans are changed and they haven't considered the knock on effect. A simple "Is 12:30 still the time for tomorrow's lunch? Do you need me to bring anything with me?" That way the other person has the reminder and that is the point at which they can speak up if their situation has changed and either ask to change/cancel plans before someone wastes their time. Even if its just an "Actually, can we can make it 1pm instead, I have to drop DD off at her dad's at 12 and don't want you to be sat outside waiting in the cold if the roads are busy or I'm running a little late"

A lot of my extended family contracted covid over the Christmas period, they were so busy arranging PCR tests, trying to get food delivered, changing travel and accommodation plans for the family who were meant to be coming home (they were meant to be staying with family for Christmas that were now isolating) that there were a couple of events that totally slipped their minds - if it wasn't for people messaging to confirm then they would have been turning up on the day to find the event not happening and their time being wasted.

AnxiousWeirdo · 28/12/2021 10:51

It sounds like everyone cancelled and she forgot to tell you.

Nanny0gg · 28/12/2021 10:53

@Coffeetree

Even if she were surprised she didn't have to mention it. If I were in her shoes I'd have just played it off like I was happy to have it just the two of us. Tbh I felt awkward.

If I was the host and everyone else had dropped out, I would definitely have checked if you were still coming.

Gonnagetgoing · 28/12/2021 10:53

Neither of you are wrong, but with everyone else cancelling for the same date due to covid maybe she assumed the same with you? I’d have and mostly do double check via text or a call beforehand to see if we are still on with plans like these.

maddiemookins16mum · 28/12/2021 10:54

I would have double checked if the ‘arrangement’ was made weeks earlier.

newname12345 · 28/12/2021 10:55

@Gatehouse77 It doesn't need to be the guest who confirms, but as a guest I would ensure that an event that could easily have been changed/cancelled is still on (the host could be in bed with covid) if I am traveling an hour to it. Hence if I hadn't heard I would check the day before.

thewhatsit · 28/12/2021 10:58

I think etiquette has changed on this in recent times.

A generation a go - pre texting, WhatsApp, email - I think you would have just made a plan in advance and stuck to it. If someone turned up as per-agreed and you weren’t expecting them because you’d forgotten you’d be very embarrassed.

Nowadays I think sending a text around 2 days before to check all still ok for the visit is pretty standard.

ChiefStockingStuffer · 28/12/2021 10:59

I think in the current climate (pandemic, rapidly spreading covid), it's only sensible to confirm closer to planned events. I do think covid has changed the norms for now. Hence YABU, but understandably so.

HotMummaSummer · 28/12/2021 11:02

I probably would have forgotten if it was arranged a month ago and a few people had cancelled anyway. I'm trying to get better and write things down on my calendar so would have texted my guest or been happy for them to text me and confirm!
I'm 6 months pregnant through so I feel baby brain is a good excuse now

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