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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nephew is dog phobic. Visiting dilemma

634 replies

DaughterOfEvening · 27/12/2021 21:50

I’ve kept this quite vague as my SIL is on here. DB has asked to come and visit us with their children, all three over 6. We don’t live close by, a few hours drive. We have room for them to stay. They have not yet visited our house as we moved during lockdown. Their eldest is 12 and has always been dog phobic (will scream, cry, run away)
Phone call today from DB asking for detailed layout of the house and where the dogs will be as “Billy” won’t be in the same room as a dog. We have two very lazy dogs who sleep for 20+ hours a day. The dogs are not barkers or jumpers.

I have reassured him that neither dog will be wandering around and that they will stay on their respective beds in one room downstairs. The dogs have never been upstairs. Ever.
Brother has said that it’s not enough, that’s it’s nothing personal. He’s just not willing to put Billy under any stress.
I’m not sure if he’s expecting me to shut the dogs outside but if he asked this then my polite response would be oh dear, you have long drive back then.
Should I be more accommodating?

OP posts:
Original poster
DaughterOfEvening · 28/12/2021 16:22

Sadly I think there is more going on in their lives than I know. DB has really gone off on one. I’ve been accused of lacking compassion and bullying! I’ve been bombarded with aggressive messages and I’ve now muted him.

Regarding the proxy behaviour, I know SIL is not particularly enamoured with dogs for cultural reasons but DB, like me, grew up with family dogs.

Billy hadn’t visited our (previous) home for a long time even without lockdowns but he was happy to FaceTime and always asked to see the dogs. I wouldn’t ever want to force meeting the dogs upon him or engineer some kind of intervention 🙄
The dogs would be in a different part of the house that he would have no need to enter but this was not reassurance enough for DB. I still don’t know what I could have done to make it safe for him, short of removing the dogs from the house.

OP posts:
DroopyClematis · 28/12/2021 16:23

Glad the issue is now sorted OP.

Some very surprising posts on here, including some batshit ones too.

RampantIvy · 28/12/2021 16:26

I know SIL is not particularly enamoured with dogs for cultural reasons

I'm curious to know which culture dislikes dogs.

Lockeddownagain · 28/12/2021 16:26

Being dog phobic is horrendous I've been live that since I was 3 people takethe piss and think it doesn't matter dpg owners are among the most selfish people and always say he won't hurt you even reading the posts on here you can see the ignorance of people that aren't scared of dogs qnd qct like it's it's big joke. You'll find people who are s are of spiders get more sympathy if I was you I'd be accommodating I'd make q plan with your brother to help your nephew and maybe the more he visits because they know how kind you are he might start to feel less scared. I've lived my life likethat it's awful x

XenoBitch · 28/12/2021 16:27

You offered a good compromise, and your DB threw it back in your face. That is now his problem, not yours.

Relax, and enjoy your dogs Smile

MzHz · 28/12/2021 16:29

People with phobias don’t ask to see what they are phobic of!

Arachnophobes ASKING to see spiders

Phobia is irrational fear, not something you can pick and choose! My father is terrified of snakes, proper phobic - I recall me and my sister being picked up into the air once while he ran from a swimming adder.

My mother - bats… (and terrified of them too 😂🤣 arf) there was no rational at all and no way they’d stand and look at them,

Something isn’t right in all this @DaughterOfEvening and I think you know this.

Tell your brother to back the fuck off - for real - and don’t allow HIM to bully you.

He’s bonkers… there is clearly a shit load going on…

DreamerSeven · 28/12/2021 16:30

Have you asked him flat out what solution would be acceptable to him? Otherwise, you’re wise to mute him then pull him up on his aggressive messages when the dust has settled.

MzHz · 28/12/2021 16:30

Was your brother the golden child? Used to letting you be the one that was always in the wrong…

ForagingForMullberries · 28/12/2021 16:31

@5zeds

I think she should put her dog in kennels, lock it away in a way that causes no angst, and talk to her brother. Perhaps it’s all bullshit an db just doesn’t want to come, perhaps there are bigger issues, perhaps db is the anxious one, who knows? I don’t think this is a big ask, though I have very disabled son so perhaps “scared of dogs” doesn’t really seem an insurmountable problem to me. I personally wouldn’t dream of never having my own nephew to my house because of this. He’s part of your family, and a person in his own right not a favour to your brother. Sad
Then that is selfish and unreasonable of you @5zeds. She should NOT have to 'put her dogs in kennels' or 'lock it away', how dare you even suggest that? Do you know what you're asking? How about we lock you in a kennel or lock you away? You can't can't just lock a dog up like that! What you are saying is absolutely horrible! And do you know how hard it is to get a dog into kennels at this time of year?

The problem is all the brother's doing. He can come for a visit for an hour or 2, then there is no need for the dog to go to a kennel.

You're all about what the OP can do when she's bent over backwards to try to accommodate - but clearly sending a dog away to a kennel (like as if you can access one at this time even!) or locking it up for a day or two are simply NOT options.

So the rest is up to the brother. The OP has more than done her part. It's the brother keeping the nephew away.

erinaceus · 28/12/2021 16:34

Your most recent post suggests that something other than Billy is behind your brother’s behaviour.

It is possible to that your relationship with Billy can unfold of its own accord in the future. I don’t think you should stage any sort of intervention!

ForagingForMullberries · 28/12/2021 16:35

Tell him he's got a cheek since he 'invited himself' and you've bent over backwards to help, OP. Ask him flat out what more does he suggest you could possibly do, before you block him permanently. (muting is no good it just encourages him). I'd also tell him unless he apologises you refuse to have anything to do with him again.

Also, @DaughterOfEvening How far away does he live? Is it possible he could come for a few hours and not overnight? Although with the abusive (I was right all along, to that poster who rolled their eyes at me saying he was abusive), manipulative and gaslighting texts from him, I would be of the mind to block him permanently. I'd shoot him a text to 'step up and be a father and get your son some help' jibe before I blocked him.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 28/12/2021 16:36

People with phobias don’t ask to see what they are phobic of!

I have a needle phobia and I have forced myself to look at the pictures in the press of people having their vaccines. It didn't help at all when I actually had mine and I've gone back to avoiding the pictures but I tried.

Original poster
DaughterOfEvening · 28/12/2021 16:37

@erinaceus

Your most recent post suggests that something other than Billy is behind your brother’s behaviour.

It is possible to that your relationship with Billy can unfold of its own accord in the future. I don’t think you should stage any sort of intervention!

You have misunderstood what I have said. I said that I would NOT want to stage an intervention.
OP posts:
Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 28/12/2021 16:46

Phobias can be disabling - yes, absolutely if not treated, they can feel completely overwhelming and disabling and restrict life to great part.

or part of a disability Anxiety disorders are not a disability in the same way physical things are. Anxiety is a normal part of life, and anxiety disorders can be treated. There is no need for it to become restricting. But there are people who feel that they should never feel distressed, challenged or uncomfortable and these people can go on to feel permanently disabled by their anxiety. A parent would not be doing their child any favours if they enabled this.

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 28/12/2021 16:50

At 2 yo my dd didn't like ddogs after a spaniel knocked her over in a play area of our local park. Got the usual he is just playing story. After dd managed to pull free of my hand one day to avoid a ddog I took drastic action.. We got a dpuppy. A Rottweiler dpuppy. Took a few weeks but dd loved her.. Your db has had 12 years to address his ds's phobia.... His problem. Not yours and actually not dn's either... Db is the parent. So parent. Mh needs helping too not just chicken pox and coughs..
Glad he isn't coming op.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 28/12/2021 16:51

@5zeds

I think she should put her dog in kennels, lock it away in a way that causes no angst, and talk to her brother. Perhaps it’s all bullshit an db just doesn’t want to come, perhaps there are bigger issues, perhaps db is the anxious one, who knows? I don’t think this is a big ask, though I have very disabled son so perhaps “scared of dogs” doesn’t really seem an insurmountable problem to me. I personally wouldn’t dream of never having my own nephew to my house because of this. He’s part of your family, and a person in his own right not a favour to your brother. Sad
So you'd choose to have a dog distressed? I'm also assuming you'd pay and organise the kennels?

You're absolutely batshit

DogsandCatsB4u · 28/12/2021 16:53

My nephew is the same and my sister tries to discourage this. It’s really toxic to allow and entertain children to be scared of dogs, dogs are a part of this country.
They need to stop entertaining this screaming, jumping over dogs and tell him to stop being silly he’s 12 ffs

RoseAndRose · 28/12/2021 16:53

Perhaps it’s all bullshit an db just doesn’t want to come,

Then why did he invite himself? Surely if he didn't want to come he wouid never have created the circumstances in the first place Xmas Confused

DogsandCatsB4u · 28/12/2021 16:54

And op your dogs live there if they don’t like it they don’t need to come to your home

TractorAndHeadphones · 28/12/2021 16:59

@RampantIvy

I know SIL is not particularly enamoured with dogs for cultural reasons

I'm curious to know which culture dislikes dogs.

Dogs are impure animals for Muslims
1forAll74 · 28/12/2021 17:04

I would tell him not to visit, or to even ask about the layout of your home. It might have been a good chance, as you are a dog person, to carefully try and give the frightened 12 year old, a bit of therapy, and gently get him used to two calm dogs.. as this would be the way a so called dog expert,or therapist would deal with things.

ChiefStockingStuffer · 28/12/2021 17:04

I suspect this is more about the SIL than her son who is perhaps trying to please his mother by not liking dogs either.

Not liking is not the same as fear.

RampantIvy · 28/12/2021 17:04

Thank you @TractorAndHeadphones. Off to google (which I could have done in the first place Smile).

Maybe this is the real reason.

godmum56 · 28/12/2021 17:06

@RampantIvy

I know SIL is not particularly enamoured with dogs for cultural reasons

I'm curious to know which culture dislikes dogs.

certain cultures in Spain and Europe regard dogs as tools for hunting and have no interest in treating them well. Google Galgo or Podenco abuse if you have a strong stomach. Some Muslim communities believe that dogs are unclean although recently there has started to be a change of heart over guide dogs for people who are blind. In Japan dogs are still bred and kept for fighting and in China they are eaten. Part of that is killing them slowly or beating them before death as its belived that it makes the meat more tender.
RampantIvy · 28/12/2021 17:12

Erm. I'm not sure I wanted so much horrible information @godmum56, but thank you anyway.

I have just found this website that does a good explanation.

I wonder what these cultures make of our dog loving culture. I don't mind dogs, but I find the idea of having dogs on furniture and on the bed rather unsavoury.

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