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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nephew is dog phobic. Visiting dilemma

634 replies

DaughterOfEvening · 27/12/2021 21:50

I’ve kept this quite vague as my SIL is on here. DB has asked to come and visit us with their children, all three over 6. We don’t live close by, a few hours drive. We have room for them to stay. They have not yet visited our house as we moved during lockdown. Their eldest is 12 and has always been dog phobic (will scream, cry, run away)
Phone call today from DB asking for detailed layout of the house and where the dogs will be as “Billy” won’t be in the same room as a dog. We have two very lazy dogs who sleep for 20+ hours a day. The dogs are not barkers or jumpers.

I have reassured him that neither dog will be wandering around and that they will stay on their respective beds in one room downstairs. The dogs have never been upstairs. Ever.
Brother has said that it’s not enough, that’s it’s nothing personal. He’s just not willing to put Billy under any stress.
I’m not sure if he’s expecting me to shut the dogs outside but if he asked this then my polite response would be oh dear, you have long drive back then.
Should I be more accommodating?

OP posts:
DroopyClematis · 28/12/2021 17:15

You've said that, previously, Billy would stand at the stair gate watching the dogs.
You've also said that , culturally, your SIL doesn't regard dogs the same as you do.

There's clearly more at play here.

5zeds · 28/12/2021 17:15

If it’s only for a couple of hours a Dog Walker would solve the whole thing, but it seems OP has disengaged anyway so no need for any angst. I personally think having a kennels the dog now sand is comfortable in is part of very basic dog care. I also think accommodating people’s, but especially families and probably more so family children needs is the least I would attempt to do.

I’m perfectly happy for others to feel and behave differently but a bit shocked at being told You're absolutely batshit , Then that is selfish and unreasonable , how dare you even suggest that? , How about we lock you in a kennel or lock you away? , What you are saying is absolutely horrible! . OP is asking if she should be more accommodating, I think she should (because that’s what I would do), you don’t do try not to make personal attacks just because someone trains their dogs and treats them and their family differently to you.

RedHelenB · 28/12/2021 17:19

@DaughterOfEvening

Sadly I think there is more going on in their lives than I know. DB has really gone off on one. I’ve been accused of lacking compassion and bullying! I’ve been bombarded with aggressive messages and I’ve now muted him.

Regarding the proxy behaviour, I know SIL is not particularly enamoured with dogs for cultural reasons but DB, like me, grew up with family dogs.

Billy hadn’t visited our (previous) home for a long time even without lockdowns but he was happy to FaceTime and always asked to see the dogs. I wouldn’t ever want to force meeting the dogs upon him or engineer some kind of intervention 🙄
The dogs would be in a different part of the house that he would have no need to enter but this was not reassurance enough for DB. I still don’t know what I could have done to make it safe for him, short of removing the dogs from the house.

In that case you are no longer being unreasonable.
AllThingsServeTheBeam · 28/12/2021 17:24

@5zeds

If it’s only for a couple of hours a Dog Walker would solve the whole thing, but it seems OP has disengaged anyway so no need for any angst. I personally think having a kennels the dog now sand is comfortable in is part of very basic dog care. I also think accommodating people’s, but especially families and probably more so family children needs is the least I would attempt to do. I’m perfectly happy for others to feel and behave differently but a bit shocked at being told You're absolutely batshit , Then that is selfish and unreasonable , how dare you even suggest that? , How about we lock you in a kennel or lock you away? , What you are saying is absolutely horrible! . OP is asking if she should be more accommodating, I think she should (because that’s what I would do), you don’t do try not to make personal attacks just because someone trains their dogs and treats them and their family differently to you.
I stand by your suggestions being absolutely batshit. I see you haven't said you would pay for the kennels.
godmum56 · 28/12/2021 17:30

@5zeds

If it’s only for a couple of hours a Dog Walker would solve the whole thing, but it seems OP has disengaged anyway so no need for any angst. I personally think having a kennels the dog now sand is comfortable in is part of very basic dog care. I also think accommodating people’s, but especially families and probably more so family children needs is the least I would attempt to do. I’m perfectly happy for others to feel and behave differently but a bit shocked at being told You're absolutely batshit , Then that is selfish and unreasonable , how dare you even suggest that? , How about we lock you in a kennel or lock you away? , What you are saying is absolutely horrible! . OP is asking if she should be more accommodating, I think she should (because that’s what I would do), you don’t do try not to make personal attacks just because someone trains their dogs and treats them and their family differently to you.
@5zedszed and isn't it a good job we aren't all the same? Because if we were all like you we'd all be wrong.
5zeds · 28/12/2021 17:32

@AllThingsServeTheBeam yes I would (and have in a very similar situation not that that matters). We’re different people with different priorities, nobody is “wrong”.

Offmyfence · 28/12/2021 17:33

@5zeds

I think she should put her dog in kennels, lock it away in a way that causes no angst, and talk to her brother. Perhaps it’s all bullshit an db just doesn’t want to come, perhaps there are bigger issues, perhaps db is the anxious one, who knows? I don’t think this is a big ask, though I have very disabled son so perhaps “scared of dogs” doesn’t really seem an insurmountable problem to me. I personally wouldn’t dream of never having my own nephew to my house because of this. He’s part of your family, and a person in his own right not a favour to your brother. Sad
Batshit!
AllThingsServeTheBeam · 28/12/2021 17:34

[quote 5zeds]@AllThingsServeTheBeam yes I would (and have in a very similar situation not that that matters). We’re different people with different priorities, nobody is “wrong”.[/quote]
I'd have to say no even if you offered as it wouldn't be fair on my dog. And keeping the dogs in one part of the house is more than accomodating anyway

ForagingForMullberries · 28/12/2021 17:46

@5zeds

If it’s only for a couple of hours a Dog Walker would solve the whole thing, but it seems OP has disengaged anyway so no need for any angst. I personally think having a kennels the dog now sand is comfortable in is part of very basic dog care. I also think accommodating people’s, but especially families and probably more so family children needs is the least I would attempt to do. I’m perfectly happy for others to feel and behave differently but a bit shocked at being told You're absolutely batshit , Then that is selfish and unreasonable , how dare you even suggest that? , How about we lock you in a kennel or lock you away? , What you are saying is absolutely horrible! . OP is asking if she should be more accommodating, I think she should (because that’s what I would do), you don’t do try not to make personal attacks just because someone trains their dogs and treats them and their family differently to you.
A boarding kennel is not something a dog should have to get used to.

What you are asking is batshit and it is very unreasonable. The OP has gone above and beyond, where as the brother has done NOTHING. The onus is on the BROTHER to do something, not the OP, and I'm shocked that you think the OP - in light of the abusive and bullying and gaslighting texts from him - should do even more when she has done far more than most people would do. It is NOT her problem to solve! She has more than done her part, suggesting she send the dogs away or lock them up somewhere is abusive and animal cruelty. What you are suggesting is horrid and not right. The brother at this point anyway, is proving the dogs were never an issue, and the OP was RIGHT in not agreeing to send the dogs away. That you dare say the OP should 'do more' when she has gone way above and beyond shows that you don't think the abusive brother should take any responsibility for his son at all whatsoever. The OP is a saint for doing as much as she did, and suffering the abuse from her brother who refuses to parent his child. The brother sure as shit doesn't care about 'accommodating people' or about families does he?

ForagingForMullberries · 28/12/2021 17:48

@AllThingsServeTheBeam and @godmum56 well said!

CMZ2018 · 28/12/2021 17:51

Tell them not to come, he will be sure
Little billy wont be upset by your dogs then. Absolutely pathetic pandering to this BS

AmIgoinghomeforXmas · 28/12/2021 18:04

We have this in our wider family and I put our dog into kennels for a couple of days.
We use kennels when we go away and I don't mind a couple days.
Phobias aren't pleasant and I want to see my family.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 28/12/2021 18:05

@AmIgoinghomeforXmas

We have this in our wider family and I put our dog into kennels for a couple of days. We use kennels when we go away and I don't mind a couple days. Phobias aren't pleasant and I want to see my family.
All well and good, if you can A afford it and B your dog is ok with it
Offmyfence · 28/12/2021 18:07

@AmIgoinghomeforXmas

We have this in our wider family and I put our dog into kennels for a couple of days. We use kennels when we go away and I don't mind a couple days. Phobias aren't pleasant and I want to see my family.
That's great, but maybe not good for OP? Also this is all last minute, so no time to research.
worriedatthemoment · 28/12/2021 18:08

@Ritasueandbobtoo9 yes my dog is an animal but he also is part of our family and actually lives in our house
The OP has already said the dogs will be in one room and they don't ever go upstairs , what else can she do
Chuck them out ?
People can visit and stay in hotels too if they really can't even be in the same house as a dog

Electriq · 28/12/2021 18:08

You did more than enough, keeping the dogs seperated from Billy.
At the end of the day, your dogs are in their home, your DB needs to appreciate that.

Sounds like you dodged a very big stressful bullet.

He invited himself and declined his own invite so no worries, ignore the abuse, you did enough.

XenoBitch · 28/12/2021 18:08

@AmIgoinghomeforXmas

We have this in our wider family and I put our dog into kennels for a couple of days. We use kennels when we go away and I don't mind a couple days. Phobias aren't pleasant and I want to see my family.
My dog wont eat at all in kennels. She once spent a week in one, and she looked like an abuse case when I picked her up. It was awful.
AmIgoinghomeforXmas · 28/12/2021 18:10

I haven't said it would work in every situation.
I have merely stated that in a similar situation to OP this is what I do and it works well.

Electriq · 28/12/2021 18:10

My dogs don't eat or toilet in kennels either, they stayed once, never again would I put them through it.

WaltzingBetty · 28/12/2021 18:13

Your DB sounds abusive and insane @DaughterOfEvening

It's clear given the child's previous behaviour that his phobia isn't so crippling as not being able to enter a building where a dog is closed away

If it were he'd struggle with basic life in the uk such as going to the park or doing the school run

Your brother sounds like a nobber.

SpilltheTea · 28/12/2021 18:17

It sounds like Billy doesn't have a phobia at all and DB is whinging on behalf of SIL.

WaltzingBetty · 28/12/2021 18:19

In Japan dogs are still bred and kept for fighting and in China they are eaten. Part of that is killing them slowly or beating them before death as its belived that it makes the meat more tender.

Managed to crowbar in some racist generalisations there @godmum56 - well done!

Might be worth mentioning that the Yulin festival in China has been outlawed and that dog-eating was only every a very localised tradition in China (associated primarily with Korean immigrant populations and some communities around the Yangtze). Also that pet ownership is incredibly common, just like the UK.

Also that in the UK dogs are still bred and kept for fighting - does that mean that we're a culture that doesn't like dogs - like the Japanese?

Outdated national stereotypes help no one.

Deisogn · 28/12/2021 18:26

DB is a twat. It's a shame OP but I'd just leave it. Honestly this one might be a case of you seeing your brother in a low contact way outside of your house if you even want any kind of relationship. He sounds batshit.

TrashyPanda · 28/12/2021 18:37

@AmIgoinghomeforXmas

We have this in our wider family and I put our dog into kennels for a couple of days. We use kennels when we go away and I don't mind a couple days. Phobias aren't pleasant and I want to see my family.
My first dog hated kennels and barked non-stop. He came back with absolutely no voice.

So I would never do that again.

Plus, it’s not exactly cheap, and has to be booked in advance.

TrashyPanda · 28/12/2021 18:39

@DaughterOfEvening

Sadly I think there is more going on in their lives than I know. DB has really gone off on one. I’ve been accused of lacking compassion and bullying! I’ve been bombarded with aggressive messages and I’ve now muted him.

Regarding the proxy behaviour, I know SIL is not particularly enamoured with dogs for cultural reasons but DB, like me, grew up with family dogs.

Billy hadn’t visited our (previous) home for a long time even without lockdowns but he was happy to FaceTime and always asked to see the dogs. I wouldn’t ever want to force meeting the dogs upon him or engineer some kind of intervention 🙄
The dogs would be in a different part of the house that he would have no need to enter but this was not reassurance enough for DB. I still don’t know what I could have done to make it safe for him, short of removing the dogs from the house.

Oh dear.

Is there any chance your brother has lost the plot because you dared to stand up to him?

From previous posts he sounds jealous of your new home.

Quite right to mute him - he sounds like the type you can never win with.

You offered to keep the dogs away from his kid, but that wasn’t good enough. Let’s be honest, nothing you suggested was going to be good enough.