To feel the rift from my family can never mend?

[YayDay]

My sister had her wedding recently. I had been invited, but a few weeks beforehand she sent a text asking me not to attend her big day.

The backstory is that things were going well between us, then over the summer I discovered through social media that she had a Henparty with my other sister (who she's very close to and was maid of honour), half-sister and our sister-in-laws, but had clearly not told me about it, let alone invite me. It came as a shock, I was very upset and felt really betrayed by all my family who knew about it but obviously kept it quiet from me.
My sister's defence was, 'It's my hen party, so suck it up.'

The family jury was split. Some thought, 'well, she's right it's her hen party and maybe she wanted a different dynamic'. Others thought my hurt was reasonable because, 'you're her sister and it would have been respectful to at least have spoken with you rather than doing things behind your back and for you to find out like that.'

The result meant my sister cancelled my wedding invite. She told me by text, rather any discussion or anything.

Photos have gone up on social media. The whole family had a great time. I guess I'm not supposed to be upset and complain about feeling estranged, because it was her big day?

But I just can't get over how rubbish it felt to be left out - again. Being visibly left out and marginalised suggests there's something wrong with me - and I'm not sure how to feel if it's my family who have done this.

I don't actually know how this family rift can actually mend. It just feels like a really big snub that has gone too far...

Oh wow your update changes things!

Your family are dishonest and manipulative and toxic as hell!

I am sorry to say you are no better. It was sweet revenge after the hen party when you rediscovered your empathy and told your father about your sister's secret wedding. You did not care about your father you wanted to blow up the wedding and your sister's chances of happiness.

You were uninvited because of this reason and who can blame the bride?

Additionally she had to deal with on my her wedding day guests she had not even invited thanks to you.
Dad inviting people and 'being inclusive' was just his way of compensating for being so out the loop

You are estranged, and it is mostly your own doing. It was unkind to leave you out of the hen party (who knows there may be good reason for that too that you haven't told us) but the wedding is your own fault.

I have no idea how your parents manage their own relationship with the backdrop of lies and deceit but that is for them to sort out.

You should write to your sister with the most sincere apologies you can muster and hope she one days forgives you. Maybe it is a cultural/religious objection your father would have to the groom, but it was never your place to tell him op. It was your sister's choice.

@NdujaWannaDance

So are you saying that after you spilled the beans to your dad, you were then not invited to the hen party?

My understanding was that she spilled the beans to her dad after being snubbed over the hen party, which resulted in her sister disinviting her from the wedding.

It still seems unmind and unfair that she was excluded from the hen party, but at this point I am not making any assumptions that the OP is any more of an angel than her her sister is.

Ah, I had not read it like that. I've got confused with the timelines as there are multiple references to consulting the family jury about various incidents and I can't exactly figure out in what order things have happened. I agree about the OP being an angel. I think there may be more to the story because it really is such a dramatic step to ignore the sister's wishes in this way. It seems unlikely that the OP has never behaved in such a way to the sister before - though can't be ruled out. I don't agree that it is gaslighting to try and look at the whole complexity of a situation before sitting in judgement. I've known people who won't let their son into their house when he has no-where to sleep. It sounds awful but when you hear about the drug-fueled incidents including violent visits from dealers, you can see it in a very different light. In that instance, the parents are not without empathy or cruel.

OMG. The OP told her dad what was going on after she found out she'd already been excluded from the hen party. Isn't it fair enough in those circumstances, to think 'this is fucked up, let's get it out in the open'?

No. Not really. If she felt strongly that it was wrong to keep the wedding a secret from the dad then she should have either refused to collude in it from the outset, or said 'Look, this is your choice but I feel uncomfortable with it so I will not be attending the wedding. I won't dob you in, but when the shit hits the fan I'll be wearing my raincoat and I'll be able to look him in the eye.'

The whole thing was always fucked up. But her behaviour in telling the dad was purely an act of spite and that's wrong.

You reap what you sow.

Why on earth did your sister want to keep her relationship secret from your dad?!

Your family is a hot mess of secrets and toxicity.

Right late to the party, but I’ve read through all of it and can honestly say OP you’re all as bad as each other. Your disability is a red herring.
Your sister keeping the hen party a secret - bad, but you were happy enough preViously to collude in keeping the entire wedding a secret.

You’re also clearly as manipulative as they are in soliciting opinions from the entire family - very political, trying to see who was on your ‘side’. I also find this family jury thing very strange, as though you’re all in some sort of cult.

You didn’t suddenly develop empathy (in fact as a disabled person you should have a better understanding of exclusion from the start). You made sure your father knew out of spite.

The bride wasn’t great but I can see why she uninvited you from her wedding.

There’s wrongs being done all around…

I don't agree that it is gaslighting to try and look at the whole complexity of a situation before sitting in judgement. I've known people who won't let their son into their house when he has no-where to sleep. It sounds awful but when you hear about the drug-fueled incidents including violent visits from dealers, you can see it in a very different light. In that instance, the parents are not without empathy or cruel.

Exactly. I'm sure that son does a good job of telling everyone he is the scapegoat and the victim in that family.

Sorry OP but it very much reads like you only told your dad to get back at your sister for not inviting you to the hen do, and all this nonsense about the 'family jury' very much sounds like you stirring drama within the family and trying to get them to take sides - from what you've said I'd be surprised if you are as blameless in all this as you are making out, so you may want to take a look at your own actions

How would your Mum have managed to attend the wedding all day without your Father noticing?

What does high expectations in relation to your Father mean exactly?

What is the perceived issue with the groom?

Is there a backstory? And why would your dad not have coped with the groom?

Well as there is now a 'cultural dynamic' to this, I'm guessing it's because the groom is the wrong colour/caste/religion/sect or bride has managed to swerve an arranged marriage.

If my white British father were to object to a groom on any of those grounds it would be called racism, bigotry, xenophobia or religious intolerance.

The OP's father objects and it's just a 'decent man with high standards and expectations' being 'cultural.'

@NdujaWannaDance

Is there a backstory? And why would your dad not have coped with the groom?

Well as there is now a 'cultural dynamic' to this, I'm guessing it's because the groom is the wrong colour/caste/religion/sect or bride has managed to swerve an arranged marriage.

If my white British father were to object to a groom on any of those grounds it would be called racism, bigotry, xenophobia or religious intolerance.

The OP's father objects and it's just a 'decent man with high standards and expectations' being 'cultural.'

Yeah off topic but a lot of the racism/prejudice I've seen is between non-white people. The prevailing narrative is "white vs 'POC' " but depending on area that's not the biggest issue...

@NdujaWannaDance

I don't agree that it is gaslighting to try and look at the whole complexity of a situation before sitting in judgement. I've known people who won't let their son into their house when he has no-where to sleep. It sounds awful but when you hear about the drug-fueled incidents including violent visits from dealers, you can see it in a very different light. In that instance, the parents are not without empathy or cruel.

Exactly. I'm sure that son does a good job of telling everyone he is the scapegoat and the victim in that family.

He absolutely does and when he tells those stories with judicial removal of the contexts, it does sound convincingly like he actually is.

@BitterTits

OMG. The OP told her dad what was going on after she found out she'd already been excluded from the hen party. Isn't it fair enough in those circumstances, to think 'this is fucked up, let's get it out in the open'?

There are some really unpleasant gaslighty, disablist attitudes on this thread. People do not have to roll over and concede to being treated as if they don't matter. Why the hell shouldn't OP bring it all out on the open if no-one will give her the courtesy of being honest with her and her dad?

@BitterTits Thank you for getting it.

I might get accused of "revenge", but the truth is that it was a mess and something had to change. It was so messed up. And I did not know what to do. I say Family jury (as opposed to 'judge'), because I wanted a resolution that was fair (as fair as they can be in what was a minefield).

That's the thing. It's easy peasy to judge. But if you were in my shoes, what would you do?

Are you telling me that if you found yourself in a scenario of keeping something as huge as a marriage from Dad because it's our sister's business", then finding out secrets are being kept from you too with the hen party, that you would continue to remain silent? Are you a doormat?

I felt bad for Dad when he used say things and was oblivious to the truth, but I had promised my siblings not to tell him. When they betrayed me too, then they broke their promise to have me part of their secret. It's a two-way street.

I was fed up.

Why do I think it's unfair that my sister cancelled the wedding invite? Because having Dad on board was a good outcome for her too and I genuinely (and naively) believed we could all have the wedding out in the open. No more secrets.

Clearly, my sister was Ok with Dad being at the wedding, otherwise he would not have been allowed to attend.

I sincerely just wanted some sort of fair outcome. And being estranged might be the price I paid to help my siblings and mum let Dad into the loop. Fine. But are you honestly telling me you would not have said anything after discovering that you too were being betrayed when you were excluded from the hen party?

It's easy peasy to judge. But if you were in my shoes, what would you do?

I dunno, OP. I was pretty solidly on your side before the update and even though I could see you hadn't behaved perfectly, I wasn't judging you because I know how cruel and hurtful it is to be left out of family events. However - I honestly don't think I would have participated in the secret-keeping OR if I did participate in it because I agreed with it on principle, I don't think I would have then broken the secret just because I felt excluded myself. If you had wanted your sister to be honest with your dad, there are ways you could have brokered that sensitively and compassionately.

I know what it is to be the truth-teller in a toxic family dynamic and that is not what you've done here. You took part in a secret and revealed it when you thought it would benefit you to do so. That's manipulative.

However, I do agree that the whole family dynamic sounds like a toxic mess. And maybe you felt that you had to go along with excluding your dad in order to be part of the family, but then you painfully found out that nothing you did was going to make you part of things. I think you should be honest with yourself about your own lying and participation in something you believed (or believe now) to be wrong. If you went along with it because you thought it would make your family care about you, then you have learned a big lesson here.

The main thing I would take from this, if I were you, is the need for more honesty in your life.

Why do I think it's unfair that my sister cancelled the wedding invite? Because having Dad on board was a good outcome for her too and I genuinely (and naively) believed we could all have the wedding out in the open. No more secrets.

It's not for you to say whether having your dad on board was a good outcome for her or not.

Clearly, my sister was Ok with Dad being at the wedding, otherwise he would not have been allowed to attend

There are other explanations for this so I don't think it's right to make this assumption.

I sincerely just wanted some sort of fair outcome. And being estranged might be the price I paid to help my siblings and mum let Dad into the loop. Fine. But are you honestly telling me you would not have said anything after discovering that you too were being betrayed when you were excluded from the hen party?

I'm not sure I would see it as betrayed TBH. That does suggest that you see it as your right to be there whilst actually your sister gets to decide who she invites and she may see your relationship differently. I don't know if I might have said something - possibly. I might have shared that I was hurt though would not have done so until after the wedding I think as there was no need to do so immediately and of course being honest could generate bad feeling. I would also have thought about whether I was doing anything which was causing problems for others. For example (not saying this was the case for you) expecting adaptations to my needs when they were so significant as to make the party much less enjoyable for others. I do say this as someone also physically restricted BTW. I am always keen for others not to lose out just because I can't fully join in.

People aren't necessarily judging btw and I think you might want to move away from that narrative. It's not all about who's right and who's wrong. It's about recognising the complexity of a situation and the bits of that to which you contribute. If you are looking for 'who's right' then either it is you, in which case you are just the victim and anyone who does not see that is the victimiser or it is your sister, in which case you need to profusely apologise. In reality you are both aggressors and you are both victims. If you want to forge a better relationship with her you need to stop seeing things as so black and white.

OP your family sound really odd! Is your sister exceptionally young? Was it a very short engagement? I cannot fathom how you all colluded to keep this secret from your father

OP the main thing is you're seeing all of this as a court of law. With 'fair outcome, 'jury' (as opposed to judge) and whatnot. When it's really an issue with your own immediate family, what other people think is irrelevant.

I wouldn't have involved other people - I would have told sister,mum and siblings how hurt I was. Maybe told Dad AFTER the wedding. So clearly not a 'doormat' but haven't spoilt the wedding either. Why compound other people's bad behaviour with your own.

I would never been complicit in secret keeping in the first place. If only to say that Dad had to be told, and also told he was not invited and why.

Also to add you were clearly looking for revenge - they 'broke their promise' so you merrily went ahead and 'broke yours'.

If anything why did you just say you wouldn't be attending the wedding?

So all your family were fine with keeping this a secret from you. All of them were also okay with you being uninvited to the wedding. There's a common demononater here. I feel there's a huge backstory you aren't telling. This is just too strange.

Blimey, what a peculiar family! I totally get your sister wanting a certain hen do, but not at the expense of excluding you. You should have been consulted and if she still wanted to out a fun activity ahead of your inclusion, then the very least she could have done was included you for part of the day or had a smaller alternative do for sisters. It sounds like she is lacking any empathy at all. Then excluding your Dad is just weird. It's natural that you would seek out an ally in such a situation. At some point in the future your other family members may well find themselves excluded for other reasons (for having children, for not having children, for getting divorced, for marrying someone else etc) and then they might just get it. I would write a letter to them setting out what you have written about above as feeling excluded and sidelined and that, whilst you respect it was her decision to do what she wanted, with actions come consequences, whether unintentional or not and that you now feel extremely hurt and low at a time when you are also facing other hurdles in your life. Tell them that you have felt low and worthless by their actions and that, as much as you miss them and being part of the family, you currently are not sure that you can overcome them. Tell them that one day you hope that they are able to put themselves in your shoes and understand. And then I would cut contact, at least for now. I wouldn't want to be around people that made me feel like that! Your best friend's mother was right!

@BitterTits

OMG. The OP told her dad what was going on after she found out she'd already been excluded from the hen party. Isn't it fair enough in those circumstances, to think 'this is fucked up, let's get it out in the open'?

There are some really unpleasant gaslighty, disablist attitudes on this thread. People do not have to roll over and concede to being treated as if they don't matter. Why the hell shouldn't OP bring it all out on the open if no-one will give her the courtesy of being honest with her and her dad?

Totally agree.

OP I have just one question, if you were so uncomfortable and found it so difficult to keep the wedding a secret from your 'poor Dad', why on earth didn't you tell them from the very beginning? Why not say you will not be part of their lies? Why wait until you are on the receiving end of their lies with the hen party before finding your conscience?

Even if what you said is true and you did feel so very bad, then why wait and go along with it all until the 11th hour? It looks like resentment and bitterness if what you say is true, and an opportunity to try and ruin her wedding, surely you can see that.

I am afraid you may be fed up, but this is on you op.

I think you have the option of speaking to your sister and trying to put this right, but quite honestly I would reevaluate the whole dynamics of your family and probably choose not to be a part of it, and prefer life on the side lines. Too much deceit and too many lies seem to be the norm, and the foundation for any healthy functioning relationship is trust, and it seems entirely missing.
I am sorry you have health issues, you may find better support from charities and friends.

Are you telling me that if you found yourself in a scenario of keeping something as huge as a marriage from Dad because it's our sister's business", then finding out secrets are being kept from you too with the hen party, that you would continue to remain silent? Are you a doormat?

No, I would not have agreed to attend the wedding and certainly wouldn't have been upset, at my invite be revoked. That is, assuming your Dad is actually a good man.

If its because yours sister groom isn't the right background, ethnicity, class etc then I would have supported my sister.

Are you seriously suggesting you had no clue excluding this 'good man' from all this might hurt him, until you were excluded. You couldn't imagine being excluded, is hurtful until it happened to you? And you have never been excluded from anything, ever. So never experienced it before?

That suggests a huge lack of empathy. Most people know something could be hurtful, even if they haven't directly experienced it.

When they betrayed me too, then they broke their promise to have me part of their secret. It's a two-way street.

They didn't break a promise to you. Its w different issues. But this sentence really does suggest that it's revenge. Not because you felt it was unfair to your dad.

I sincerely just wanted some sort of fair outcome. And being estranged might be the price I paid to help my siblings and mum let Dad into the loop. Fine. But are you honestly telling me you would not have said anything after discovering that you too were being betrayed when you were excluded from the hen party?

Your aren't entitled to a fair outcome. No one is.

But you were happy to run along with family secrets that excluded someone. Then a family secret (the hen party) excluded you and all of a sudden its not ok. So you creared more drama and involved everyone else. And you didn't even have the courage to just tell your dad yourself. You manipulated the situation so he would find out.

You didn't help anyone. You created some drama, involved the whole family and it happened to have a good outcome. A good outcome, by your own admission, wasn't what you were trying to achieve. You, apparently, were trying to not exclude your dad. Regardless of the outcome.

No, I wouldn't have done what you did.

I would also guess you have history of creating drama. Just like here, you left huge chunks of information out you appear to try and manipulate people into viewing you as a poor victim of your family. Except you are exactly the same as they are.

When they betrayed me too, then they broke their promise to have me part of their secret.

Sounds a bit mafioso to me!