To feel the rift from my family can never mend?

[YayDay]

My sister had her wedding recently. I had been invited, but a few weeks beforehand she sent a text asking me not to attend her big day.

The backstory is that things were going well between us, then over the summer I discovered through social media that she had a Henparty with my other sister (who she's very close to and was maid of honour), half-sister and our sister-in-laws, but had clearly not told me about it, let alone invite me. It came as a shock, I was very upset and felt really betrayed by all my family who knew about it but obviously kept it quiet from me.
My sister's defence was, 'It's my hen party, so suck it up.'

The family jury was split. Some thought, 'well, she's right it's her hen party and maybe she wanted a different dynamic'. Others thought my hurt was reasonable because, 'you're her sister and it would have been respectful to at least have spoken with you rather than doing things behind your back and for you to find out like that.'

The result meant my sister cancelled my wedding invite. She told me by text, rather any discussion or anything.

Photos have gone up on social media. The whole family had a great time. I guess I'm not supposed to be upset and complain about feeling estranged, because it was her big day?

But I just can't get over how rubbish it felt to be left out - again. Being visibly left out and marginalised suggests there's something wrong with me - and I'm not sure how to feel if it's my family who have done this.

I don't actually know how this family rift can actually mend. It just feels like a really big snub that has gone too far...

@beastlyslumber I agree, some people who know nothing about family dynamics and family systems cannot seem to comprehend that the existence of a scapegoat in the family is not rare. The insistence that there must be another side to the story rankled me too reading this thread. I know that what I have done to upset my family (which always results in a silent treatment or if I'm ''forgiven''' mere stonewalling) is that I challenged their right to disrespect me.

Things that i've done that have resulted in silent treatments over the years, eg, asking my mother why she went ahead and did something I had pleased with her twice not to do.

Also, asking her (and phrasing it so diplomatically) not to help me with my son unless I'd asked. She used to turn up at the school to collect him when I hadn't asked, and I had to ask so carefully that she not do that. But I didn't ask carefully enough and she got mad............

Anyway, you are right, in some families there will always be a trash can. All of the suppressed emotions get projected in to the trash can.

My parents identify with being good people and the weird thing is, they sort of are if you discount the damage done to me. Which doesn't exist. My perspective, my experience, that only exists in the context of an act of aggression perpetrated against them. So obviously they can never ever see me as an equal and there I was, challenging the family dynamics asking to be seen as their equal.

My naivety is funny to me now.

Wholeheartedly agree with @Fairylights25 post above. I would absolutely not follow the advice of @Suspiciousmind20 as it reads very much like you are taking total responsibility for everything.

Yes, perhaps you shouldn't have canvassed opinions but, to me, the actions of your family preceding this by knowingly keeping the hen party details from you is far far worse.

Your physical disability sounds fairly new so even worse that this was used as an excuse without ever having told you.

I imagine if your sister had approached you in the lead up and said "look, I'm so so sorry but my hen do centres around x activity which I know you can't partake in. Would you mind if you and I separately met for a nice lunch to celebrate my hen?" Then there would be no issue. And to be honest, this would be what normal families would do? I was heavily pregnant at my friends hen do a few years ago where they did white water rafter and all sorts. We agreed that we would have a separate afternoon tea (which I paid for obviously) and it was lovely!

What I find so super sad in your last post is this I think I've learned the hard way that I need to reassess my expectations. If I am invited anywhere by anyone, it's a bonus.
This is just so sad that you now feel this way with your own family. I do hope that some time will help to mend this for you and you eventually get the apology you are due.

@beautyslumber are you directing that post at those on this thread who are suggesting there are different opinions and 'sides' to this situation, as most threads have? So because posters aren't saying 'yes yes op they are all absolutely unequivocally horrific' these posters are 'threatened/unimaginative/inexperienced'?

I think that posters who have identified themselves (maybe correctly, maybe not) the scapegoat in an entire family of toxics, narcs and their enablers sometimes project a bit too much. They read about a family rift and start from the assumption that the person complaining of unfair treatment is always the scapegoat being persecuted in a toxic family themselves. This position is default and asserted strongly, based on scant info.

Any suggestion that there might just be more to it, is to be stamped on immediately because it's seen as an invalidation of their own experiences.

@blusteringboobies, I think that's a good bench mark isn't it.

Like when you were pregnant and the bride to be that you were friends with wanted to do white water rafting, sometimes you know that you're going to somebody hoping they will understand what you've decided to do having weighed up the possibilities. You're appealing to them to see things from your point of view.

And then, there's the dysfunctional way of doing things, ie, hurt now, deal with fall out later. ie, totally suppressing any acknowledgment that what was done might have been hurtful, so totally avoiding the need for any difficult conversations, and, if people are hurt afterwards when it's done and it's all too late, handling it with a mixture of extreme defensiveness, anger, martyred indignation, silent treatments, deflection....

It's not that hard to distinguish imo

@notanothertakeaway

I'd be interested to hear your sister's side of this story

It's awful when people are excluded due to poor health, but I gave a feeling there's more to this story

Yeah, this. You’ve clearly had a shit time. I’m genuinely sorry about that. But this dynamic hasn’t just sprung up out of nowhere, and I think maybe you’re glossing over your part in that… I could be wrong, in which case your entire family are fuckers of the highest magnitude and you’re better off without them.

[quote NdujaWannaDance]**@beautyslumber are you directing that post at those on this thread who are suggesting there are different opinions and 'sides' to this situation, as most threads have? So because posters aren't saying 'yes yes op they are all absolutely unequivocally horrific' these posters are 'threatened/unimaginative/inexperienced'?

I think that posters who have identified themselves (maybe correctly, maybe not) the scapegoat in an entire family of toxics, narcs and their enablers sometimes project a bit too much. They read about a family rift and start from the assumption that the person complaining of unfair treatment is always the scapegoat being persecuted in a toxic family themselves. This position is default and asserted strongly, based on scant info.

Any suggestion that there might just be more to it, is to be stamped on immediately because it's seen as an invalidation of their own experiences.[/quote]
Thanks for the attempt at invalidation of my experience! Lol. As if to prove my point...

But yes, sure, it's possible that I'm projecting my own experiences on to the OP. However, I think there's really very little evidence to suggest that this is a case of deserved ill-treatment of OP by the family. No one has been able to give any evidence for the 'other side' except for their feeling/suspicion that this can't possibly be the whole story. The repeated assertion that this "can't be the whole story" and "we need to hear the other side" does not add up to evidence or reason to doubt the OP's version of events.

So, I feel fairly confident in what I've said on this thread. (But thanks for the nasty little sideswipe. Hope it made you feel good.)

Agree with @fairylights25 above do not follow @suspiciousmind20 advice - writing to the entire family would feed their narrative that you are the problem. I recommend writing down your own feelings and thoughts which really helped me make sense of my own situation and then burning these pages immediately. You are in shock as you didn’t know this was your family dynamic until quite recently - give yourself time.

There could be loads more information but also, it could be ''she had an emotional reaction to my hurting her''.

In some families the only acceptable emotional reaction to their behaviour is none, and any reaction at all to disrespectful behaviour is Their Side Of The Story.

How dare she hold a mirror up.......

What I do find strange is that the whole family kept schtum about the hen party.

I do think that if the sister really cared about Op she would have had a hen night that Op could have attended or done something with her separately.

She also seems to have found it really easy to have uninvited Op from her wedding.

@UserBot99

There could be loads more information but also, it could be ''she had an emotional reaction to my hurting her''.

In some families the only acceptable emotional reaction to their behaviour is none, and any reaction at all to disrespectful behaviour is Their Side Of The Story.

How dare she hold a mirror up.......

Agree wholeheartedly.

I find it strange that some posters can't believe that a family would react this way when you only have to look at Stately Homes to see this is normal for lots of people

To draw a very extreme example, would those same posters go into relationships board and comment on threads where women have been awfully treated by the men in their lives and say 'I'd be interested in HIS side of the story' or 'I wonder what you did to provoke this behaviour'?

Sometimes it is a simple as people being shits. And OPs posts are self reflecting enough that she admits she could have reacted differently but nothing warrants the treatment she has received.

@diddl

What I do find strange is that the whole family kept schtum about the hen party.

I do think that if the sister really cared about Op she would have had a hen night that Op could have attended or done something with her separately.

She also seems to have found it really easy to have uninvited Op from her wedding.

I suspect that some members of the family are scared of being the next target - so they keep quiet, under the radar and say nothing in self preservation.

Often it’s the inaction of these people to blatant wrongs that cuts deep - as well as their active silencing and enabling of the exclusion that feels like a betrayal.

Well OP, I think you've had a rough ride on this thread for expecting, completely reasonably, to be included in all aspects of a major family celebration. You are extremely articulate and perhaps that is quite threatening to both your sister (who knows there is no way to justify excluding you on the basis of a disability), and some posters on here, who prefer to concede at any cost in order to keep the peace.

You're not wrong to be deeply offended. I wouldn't want to heal the rift with your younger sister and potentially your mother. Others I'd consider remaining amicable purely for your own benefit because they clearly don't prioritise your wellbeing.

As for nitpicking about the use of language such as 'consult' and 'family jury' which is your articulate way of describing a very ordinary dynamic, really this is no justification whatsoever for what has happened to you.

Yeh she's just fucking rude!how horrible of her to exclude you and if your family to keep quite. Its my hen party and I will invite who I want is just a shity excuse!

"I suspect that some members of the family are scared of being the next target - so they keep quiet, under the radar and say nothing in self preservation."

Yes.

Sadly this can make it seem that Op must be in the wrong because seemingly no one is taking her side.

I really don't think that you have anything to apologise for, and like a PP said, writing letters to your family would just feed into their narrative. I hope you can find the strength to walk away and build a better life for yourself.

Yanbu at all. If your sister cared about you at all she would have cared about how you felt at being excluded. She could have chosen a hen do that didn't involve activities you couldn't do, she could have had two hen dos, but she should have talked to you about it. That's what good, kind people do.

Asking the rest of the family to lie about it and hide it is horrible too, really inexcusable.

And rescinding your wedding invitation by text? Just nasty.

It sounds like your family are too scared of her to tell her when she's being a shit.

If you think some of the family don't know the real story, you could forward your sister's text on a family WhatsApp group so that they know. Or you could talk to a couple of trusted family members.

I'm not surprised you feel as upset as you do. Sure, it's your sister's wedding, but that does not allow her to ride roughshod all over people's feelings. She sounds like a right bitch.

I hope you can move on from this. You sound very strong.

@ChristmasPlanning "You were right not to attend on the sissy invited by your Dad, that would have made things worse. He should have acted before then, so bizarre to think he could just invite you & others on the day"

Right. I didn't want to go into this because I feel it deserves a thread of its own and would just complicate this one, but Dad only found out my sister was even in a relationship or getting married after I consulted the family jury about what to do (I was so confused and upset by how messed up things felt). It's not like I spoke to the family jury behind my siblings back - I told them I was doing it because we needed someone other than just mum overseeing things because I was fed up of the secrecy, especially since I got the butt end of it for the hen party too.

Dad has high standards and expectations of the family, however he has a caring heart and means well. My mum assumed Dad just wouldn't approve of my sister's groom, so it was best he just didn't know 'to prevent arguments or drama'. Even I went along with this in the name of 'keeping the peace'. I felt I was doing the right thing, because I was fed that Dad wouldn't cope, he'd be upset, it would be bad for his health, etc. etc. etc. So, I thought I was protecting him.

When I found out about the hen party I felt like my siblings were treating me like they were treating Dad - and I knew how that felt. Like I said, I don't know what my siblings and mum have been saying about me to others, but I have a good idea based on what they said about Dad behind his back.

My siblings did feel a bit pressured to have a face-to-face chat with Dad to tell him what was happening after I spoke to the family jury. From what Dad tells me he was shocked, but he readjusted and he found out in time to attend the wedding. My siblings resent me for being the catalyst for getting the truth out because in their view "it wasn't your place to tell, it was your sister's business", but it had a good outcome for Dad so I'm not exactly sorry for being the Family Whistleblower.

My siblings said they were planning to tell Dad after the wedding, then it would be easier to make my Dad accept my sister's groom. However, I don't think they would ever had told Dad of their own accord in the name of "preventing arguments or drama".

Dad inviting people and 'being inclusive' was just his way of compensating for being so out the loop. The others he invited were other close family members that been hadn't considered, that's all. That's why I had to be cautious about Dad's invite the night before, because for the invite to be legit it had to come from my siblings. Mum probably blames me for being the reason Dad found out in time, but it was really a good outcome that he did find out because he was able to attend his daughter's wedding, even if the groom wasn't someone he was likely to have approved of.

Sounds like the family are all happy now. Dad is in the loop too. He looks happy in the wedding pictures.

I've reasoned that maybe Dad realises his inclusion was at the expense of my exclusion. On balance, I prefer it that way because it's more important he attended than me. However, I do feel like he's doing a lot to fit in with mum and sibling, so is influenced by them.

Yes. A mess. But whilst they are all happy enjoying themselves, I'm paying the price for estrangement. After the hen party, I feel maybe estrangement was inevitable anyway. Just because it was the easiest thing to do.

I think your dad needs as much support as you to escape this lot. It sound like your mum might be the root of the problem. Your siblings are either acting in the same manner or too scared to rock the boat. I'd keep up with your dad but I'd build a new support network without the rest of them. They sound awful.

Are your parents divorced?

I’m trying to imagine how your sister and the rest of the family thought she could get married with everyone there without him knowing about it?

Tbh this adds a huge extra layer and perhaps explains events a bit more clearly.

My siblings said they were planning to tell Dad after the wedding, then it would be easier to make my Dad accept my sister's groom. However, I don't think they would ever had told Dad of their own accord

A whole family wedding was planned and going to be attended behind the father of the bride's back and his own wife colluded in that, to avoid drama? And eveyone would have continued to keep it a secret for as long as they could?

Blimey. On the back of all that I'd say the Hen party thing is the least of anyone's problems.

Why would you dad not accept your sister's groom and yet it was perfectly possible for him to turn up to the wedding at the last minute with other uninvited relatives in tow?

Is there a cultural or religious element to this? It all sounds beyond weird to me.

Unless the bride is very low contact with her dad and your parents are divorced?

Sounds like she really didn't want your father there though, so I'm not surprised that your sister has estranged herself from you, if you went behind her back and told her dad about the wedding just to spite her for the hen party snub.

I'm thinking there is more than one mad frog in this box.

Why would excluding you mean that Dad could be included?

Why would he invite anyone?

The whole thing is so messed up!

"Sounds like she really didn't want your father there though, so I'm not surprised that your sister has estranged herself from you, if you went behind her back and told her dad about the wedding just to spite her for the hen party snub."*

Sadly that makes sense.

Why would excluding you mean that Dad could be included?

Why would he invite anyone?

I'm guessing a seat and a meal was reserved for the OP before her invitation was withdrawn at short notice, so the uninvited father took it instead?

Although where the people he took along with him fit into this I have no idea.

It's all gone a bit weird.